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6 months of NC later ex-gf still angry at me (even though she left)

machoman

By machoman
in Breaking Up Advice

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machoman Apprentice

machoman

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We broke up 6 months ago, i wanted to work it out but she wanted to end it. She was set on that idea. It was hard on me but i decided to go NC, at first for the sake of getting back with her but later on it dawned on me the real purpose of NC. I ignored her messages, which made her angry and about a month in I decided to message her. BIIIG mistake on my part. Her responses, were long angry dissertations, condemning me for using something as 'manipulative' as NC to get her back, and basically putting as much blame as possible on me for the end of our relationship. I sent a short message saying i didnt mean to hurt her and wished her the best in life--completely non responsive to her emotion, no begging, no questions, nothing. I wasn't getting drawn into another battle. At this point I got another angry response, but I didn't respond. Clearly a lot of emotions on her end and I figured that saying anything more would be superfluous-- no point in forcing the issue. Now we fast forward 6 months, I have no idea what shes up to, and versa vice. This is where it gets interesting. My parents still keep in touch with her sister, and a few days ago they met up. Her sister out of the blue, says how she talked to her sister (my ex) the night before and she said all sorts of things about me. She went off, placing all the blame on me, telling her about all the teeeeerrible things I'd done. It felt like some political smear campaign. My parents of course had my back, and when I heard about this I found it comical. 6 months later, this person is still talking about the relationship in such a way, even though says shes over it and ready to start dating again? Why? Where is all this negativity coming from? I had never once bad mouthed her to anyone after the relationship ended, and as time went on, any feelings I had --good or bad subsided (thank you NC

 

I do not want to be in a relationship with this person, but I would like to understand what she's going through. Why does she still carry all this anger? Because I didn't beg on my knees to have her back? I thought she would be the one to get over it sooner than me, but she seems to be perpetually stuck in the anger stage of the grief cycle. Whats next for her?

 

Thanks in advance

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thejigsup Experienced

thejigsup

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I'm only hearing one side of this. Maybe you were not the best bf? I have ex bfs I hate to this day from many years ago. They thought they were nice guys, but they were selfish, manipulative, controlling jerks. Not saying you are any of these, but SOMETHING has made her angry and it wasn't you messaging her.

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machoman Apprentice

machoman

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Hate is a powerful word, just as love is. Neurologically speaking, they are the two closest feelings that humans can have, hate is closer to love than anger, or any other emotion. I suppose thats where the old saying comes from-- the opposite of love isnt hate, its apathy. Of course I'm human-- I wasn't the best bf by any means, I had my flaws, she had hers and our relationship suffered as a result. She had been in faaaaar more abusive relationships before me, we were pretty vanilla as far as that goes. But would I ever conceive the idea to blame her for everything? No chance, I never even talked about it to my friends or family. I had long nights to think about my role in the breakup and it took a while before I could actually work through my part in the whole issue, it was 50-50. We fought, the relationship ended. I tried to offer the olive branch and it was thrown in my face. No point in forcing the issue. Thing is, I always thought that she was 2 steps ahead of me, but now I realize that she still has residual anger. She hasn't moved on as I thought she would. My thought is that this is a coping mechanism to prevent her from feeling guilt and sadness, and facing the rest of the grieving process. Thoughts?

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Jeffbobo Collaborator

Jeffbobo

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By sending that initial short message that you did only served to reaffirm why she left you. What's done is done and there is absolutely no way to go back and change things nor is there anything you can do or say that will change her mind. If you truly did treat her like crap, then take that as a lesson and learn from it. It could be the case that maybe you weren't abusive toward her but she thought that maybe she was putting more into the relationship than you were and felt neglected and taken for granted. Who knows... Stick to no contact, reflect and learn from the experience so that next time you don't make the same mistakes. Reflect on what worked and what didn't work. Ultimately, what she does or says doesn't matter anymore. Be in a place where it matters more to her than you.

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machoman Apprentice

machoman

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It isn't coping, it isn't guilt. It's ego. You didn't beg for her back. You walked away and she didn't expect that.

 

This is very much a possibility. Most of her boyfriends came about at some point trying to get her back. To clarify, I'm not interested in a relationship with her, I don't have feelings one way or another, but I do find it interesting that shes still playing the same tune as she was months back. Whats the end game here?

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Heavy Contributor

Heavy

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This is very much a possibility. Most of her boyfriends came about at some point trying to get her back. To clarify, I'm not interested in a relationship with her, I don't have feelings one way or another, but I do find it interesting that shes still playing the same tune as she was months back. Whats the end game here?

 

I'm laughing at this as this sounds like my ex. Question for you.... How much did you do for her during your relationship?? ie: romantic gestures, dates. presents etc etc....

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machoman Apprentice

machoman

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I'm laughing at this as this sounds like my ex. Question for you.... How much did you do for her during your relationship?? ie: romantic gestures, dates. presents etc etc....

 

I did as much as I could to show her I cared. In the beginning I almost exclusively paid for everything, and we would go to the movies/dinner excursions all the time. When we moved in, things changed obviously but we still hung out 24/7 and did everything together. A month before our breakup we even went on a vacation together and did all those cute couple things haha. Thinking back, it wasnt all that bad

What makes you ask ?

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machoman Apprentice

machoman

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it sounds as if neither one of you have moved on.

All this verbal retrospect on your part would be mute point had you really moved on because all these questions wouldn't matter.

It's ok . .it just makes you human too.

 

Maybe its premature for me to say, but I don't believe anyone ever fully moves on. There'll always be a part of you that would turn back the hands of time to a better place. What she says is inconsequential to me. We have no mutual friends, and no means of running into each other. Months ago, hearing this would've been a different story, but now I'm trying to understand a side I'd never seen of a person who I thought I knew very well. We both loved each other very much, but now I don't feel powerful emotions one way or another for this person. I would've thought that this would be the case for her an hour after we broke up-- after I got the whole i love you, not in love with you speech. She was particularly cold in that breakup haha. I'd read that dumpers move on quicker because they'd already gone through phases of the grieving cycle while in the relationship but this really surprised me.

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boltnrun Grand Master

boltnrun

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I don't wonder why my ex does this or that. He just does what he does. And what he does or does not do has no effect on me. I spend zero time wondering.

 

Methinks you protest too much. I think you interpret her anger as a sign she still cares.

 

Does she care? Who knows.

 

The bigger question is...why does it matter to you?

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Heavy Contributor

Heavy

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I did as much as I could to show her I cared. In the beginning I almost exclusively paid for everything, and we would go to the movies/dinner excursions all the time. When we moved in, things changed obviously but we still hung out 24/7 and did everything together. A month before our breakup we even went on a vacation together and did all those cute couple things haha. Thinking back, it wasnt all that bad

What makes you ask ?

 

It seems to me that she still has feelings for you that she has not resolved. As one poster put up "Hate is very close to Love". I did the same to my ex, did everything for her but she broke up with me and then came back trying to fix things (which I very much wanted, but I was not going to allow her to have it all her own way). We went back and forth for about 2 months and I told her that she had to stop the games, she didn't and I showed my self respect and walked out of her life. She got angry, blocke dme on all social media then came back again 2 months later. As soon as the lies started again I was out of there. She has now 11 months on reblocked me on social media again and she hates me????? I just find it very interesting why they do as much as you.

 

I say keep doing what you have done, don't look back, keep going forward. Take the drama out of your life or as my phycologist told me "Get off the rollercoaster", life is so much more simple when you do....

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machoman Apprentice

machoman

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I don't wonder why my ex does this or that. He just does what he does. And what he does or does not do has no effect on me. I spend zero time wondering.

 

Methinks you protest too much. I think you interpret her anger as a sign she still cares.

 

Does she care? Who knows.

 

The bigger question is...why does it matter to you?

 

It could be. Why it matters? I think its obviously a part of me which was hurt, and now my ego is creeping in. That and I've always been interested in the psychology of people. I hadn't heard anything about her since it all ended, only to realize that months later I have the emotional upper hand? Its childish, I know, but at least I can say that I'm aware of it. Fully moved on, nah, but I am in a place where if she were to come back, I could say no. Also, not wanting to stir a hornets nest I find that women have a much easier time moving on from relationships than guys--bigger support networks.

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machoman Apprentice

machoman

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Jesus man, sorry to hear that. I'd been blocked too until recently haha. They actually showed that going through a breakup has the same effect as coming off drugs does on your brain. Its crazy how love hotwires your brain like that. In these situations, a quote from war games comes to mind--the only winning move is not to play. How was your relationship otherwise-- fights,jealousy, infidelity?

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Heavy Contributor

Heavy

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Jesus man, sorry to hear that. I'd been blocked too until recently haha. They actually showed that going through a breakup has the same effect as coming off drugs does on your brain. Its crazy how love hotwires your brain like that. In these situations, a quote from war games comes to mind--the only winning move is not to play. How was your relationship otherwise-- fights,jealousy, infidelity?

 

No issues with any of the above, she was a hard case to break but we both fell for each other, she likes a heap of attention from guys and we had a mutual friend (male) in our group whom she would msg day and night. I had spoken to her a few times about how I felt about it and she just said we are friends. Well that was not such the case as they are in a relationship now and living together. I suspect there may have been something going on but to what content not sure, her friends (some very close) are all pissed off at her but I distance myself from the whole group went out restarted my life and worked on myself. I have 2 boys from a failed marriage that are my world so I spend a heap of time being the best dad I can be. On top of all that I started a business, finshed my car project and am having a heap of fun with mates and taking a trip to Spain and Ireland next year.

 

Don't be sorry about my past, that is what it is but I'm happy to help and share my story in the hope that it can clear a persons mind. Just remember "GET OFF THE ROLLERCOASTER".

 

PM me if you want to chat anytime

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JaredTheGhost Newbie

JaredTheGhost

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Your username got the macho man commercial stuck in my head for some reason. Anyways, I'd have to say that your ex was expecting you to do everything humanly possible to win her back. You ignoring her first message sent her soaring off the deep end with rage and possible regret. I think she messaged you, because she wanted to hear from you and she wanted the upper hand. She was curious if you were still hurt and if you still wanted her back. Your lack of response probably makes her feel like she never mattered and that you've moved on. Her anger is most likely because she hasn't moved on and is concerned that you have. This is from a females perspective, by the way. I think that you're doing what is right for you by ignoring her advances. If she had no compassion for your feelings knowing you were hurt just shows that she is not a nice person deep down and does not deserve you anyway. I don't have answers to your silly question "how long does is take for a person to miss you after a breakup" etc.. Because every one is different and has their own ways of dealing with things like that. For me, I could break up with someone and still love them for years, maybe not the same way but that takes time to fade. You'll know your over someone when you go weeks without thinking of them and then when they finally cross your mind you'll feel nothing, but you'll still have the memories and care about that person ... In my experience anyways haha hope that helps

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machoman Apprentice

machoman

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Sorry, I've been busy with exams! Thanks for all your responses, I'll take you up on that Heavy! Jared, what you say resonates the truth always good to hear a womans perspective

Her message came after 3 days and was somewhat apologetic, and talked about a possibility of reconciling in the future, however, it went on into blaming me for pretty much everything that went wrong. I think what she expected was for me to alleviate her own pain/guilt, and I couldnt give that to her after how she treated me, not then anyway. When I didn't respond she was furious, and sent another message. When I finally tried to get in touch later, it was just bad haha, her response included how i was trying to manipulate her with NC, how i hurt her by making my fb public profile open (did it at first to hurt her back, then forgot about it, silly, i know), how she didn't want to reconcile-- happy being single--blame game--if you loved me let me live my life. I responded with a message that was short and to the point apologizing if hurt her, that it wasn't my intention, wishing her the best of luck. To this I got another (less) angry message iterating how happy she was now and reverberating the points of her message prior. From my perspective, this was her attempt at trying to convince me that a) she was happy without me and b) the breakup was my fault. In truth, she was really trying to convince herself of those things.

 

After six months I came a long way, but I figured at this point her healing was looong over.

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