Boyfriend asking women for dirty pics

[louisew]

Im on the verge of leaving my partner of three years because of his lies. I really need a bit of perspective on this before I take the next step. Advice from men would be great.

 

Overall we have a happy relationship, except that he seems unable to stop interacting sexually with women online when i am not at home. It doesn't happen often, maybe once a year, maybe more that i don't know about.

 

On monday i found dirty selfies on his phone of two girls. One could have just been straight up porn - fine. But one picture i believe he actually got by contacting the girl and paying for the pic by paypal. When i caught him out doing something like this in the past, he swore it was a stupid mistake, a moment of madness, that he would never do it again. I asked him to be honest with me if something were lacking in our relationship. He said there wasn't. I guess he was lying.

 

This time after I spoke to him, he told me he thinks he has a problem, an addition, and needs professional help. He says he sometimes feels unable to control himself, and then feels disgusted with himself afterwards. He says it is something he does when he gets really stressed and needs to escape. To me no excuse is good enough. He could have talked to me.

 

I've told him i can't carry on this way. I'm heartbroken that he would break a promise to me. I've ever said that I've got no problem with porn, but just want him communicating with any other women directly - even if he has no intention of meeting them and never speaks to them again. I now wondering if that is true.

 

I feel like my relationship is a lie and i don't know whether to leave with the children or give counselling a go. His mum knows what has happened and she made him tells her all about it (maybe of his stress issues are related to her). I don't know if this good or bad.

 

I feel so lost. Can people ever really learn to control themselves after doing things like this? I assume it is something he's done for his whole adult life. Any advice much needed.

[fantom1399]

If he thinks the problem is an addiction, then yes there is something he can do about it. But if he continuously talks to girls and asks them for pictures because he is bored or stressed, then he dumb because he can do something else to relieve stress. He does this because he likes the feeling of being promiscuous imo

[Ms Darcy]

He is crossing your boundaries because he can. Your boundaries are not his boundaries. You are incompatible. I think it's very unwise to try to make it work just because he trots out age old excuses. It's just unfortunate that you have children with him. But yeah, he's a liar and not faithful and I think leaving is the wisest course of action.

[DoF]

You need to tell him that he crossed the line and show him WITH ACTION that you are not willing to put up with it.

 

Accept him and recognize him for EXACTLY who he is TODAY. He is a dog/pervert and not a good Long Term Relationship material.

 

Leave him and never look back.

[greta96]

I notice this quite a lot lately, so many posts on this same issue - boyfriends asking women online for naked pictures. Technology has made cheating too easy, every perv out there is only a couple of clicks away from satisfying their nasty desire. And when confronted, they all claim addiction and that it's their way of dealing with stress. I can't think of a bigger lie. I understand addiction to porn (although I don't think it's as common as they make it out to be), but porn is different than asking girls in real time for their nude pictures and...what else? Sexy talk? Live online sex? This is not an addiction or a way to deal with stress, it's desire to cheat, desire for variety. Not something a loyal boyfriend should ever do.

 

If he continues to claim he is oh so addicted, you won't be able to change him. All you can do is remove yourself from the equation, because as long as you stay, he'll take it as a sign that you've accepted it. Leave him with his nasty little habit, and move on to a guy who has more intelligent ways to cope with stress.

[mhowe]

If he is addicted, he isn't doing this once a year. He just remembers to delete his history most of the time.

[Knot2loud]

Have you tried counseling yet? It would and could be a viable alternative for your relationship.

 

You said "partner." So I'm assuming you're not married - I could be wrong. You also stated children. Is he the biological father? If you leave him, you have a lot to think about and plan.

 

Three years isn't a long time - long enough, but not really that long. My gut tells me he's either cheating or really close to cheating. Whatever the case; you're at your wits end and tired of the mental stress. You do what you have to do for your own mental health. I wish you the best.

[ParisPaulette]

He's done this before, he's doing it again, he'll keep doing it as long as you keep putting up with it and stay. I'm sorry, but I've been through all that song and dance and yes he was looking to cheat on me. It never got better, he was simply the most "I got hacked" "my friends played a joke" man I ever knew. Until the day I had proof positive he was making a date with another woman a week after telling me I was the love of his life.

 

I'm sorry, your guy is cheating. This isn't simply "porn" and if he's addicted all you can do is tell him to go get therapy, so he stops ruining his relationships as you're walking out the door. It's disrespectful and he's not going to change, not when you catch them at it more than once, and they are defensive and then pull some excuse about it out of their backside.

 

Plus wayyyy too many people lately seem to be pulling the whole "I'm an addict/had a bad childhood/am having a really rough time right now" as IF that gives them a get out of jail card to misbehave. BS. He knows what he's doing is wrong. He knows it upsets you. He thinks or knows you won't leave him over it. He's going to do it anyways. And it adds insult to real addicts who are trying to get clean everywhere by trying to make you feel sorry for him over his bad behavior. "Oh poor man, so rough to be addicted and not able to stop doing something that jeopardizes your so-called love. Oh how very truly terrible it is for you, it must be so so hard."

 

Take a step back. Stop waxing lyrical about how great the past was when you didn't know what he was doing. Deal with the here and now. Is this the guy you want to be with for the rest of your life? The one who advances from nude pics to perusing Craigslist ads for hookups and then hooking up behind your back. And yes, that is the progression. Anyone who says it isn't is lying through their bloody teeth.

 

When you catch them twice it's done. I do believe cheating behaviors can be fixed on a one-time basis if the partner who is cheating changes their behaviors drastically, makes amends, and gets some sort of therapy or help to stop. It's just that's not what you're describing here, so nope he ain't a gonna change no matter how much he cries about how terrible he's having it, poor thing.

[Man with Dog]

I've heard some funny stories where people were hacked by friends but I agree it's a lame excuse.

 

P0rn addiction is as real as the tooth fairy.

 

Having said that, I find eNotAlone addictive.

[lucidious]

He says and recognizes that he has an addiction, but he hasn't taken the next step to try and fix it (counseling, therapy, cut himself off from those sites/people where he is getting the pics from). I think you should suggest him get help for it. If he doesn't then I don't think the pattern is going to change and you need to decide whether you want to put your happiness first or his; to stick around or leave.

[Man with Dog]

Is it possible to use aversion therapy where he gets electrocuted whenever he sees porn?

 

Can I get it once I make more than 10 posts a day?

[ParisPaulette]

I don't think this is an addiction, because I didn't see any real evidence of that--I.e. he hasn't lost a job, other relationships, doesn't want to go out or interact with anyone in favor of porn, won't touch his partner, etc. In one case of a poster on here the OP's husband was downloading and watching porn during the birth of their child. That's a serious problem. But it's not the same as a serial cheater or someone looking to cheat who goes around cheating, gets caught, and then says he has a porn addiction. And in my books contacting live women, sexual chatting and asking for spank bank material from them is not porn, it's cheating. Unless OP agreed to it and is allowed to do the same behavior herself. If that were the case there'd be little problem and they could happily trade pics and stories all day long and be fine in an open relationship. But that's not what we have here.

 

And yes, I can be wrong since I do not know this guy at all. But the big thing here as lucidious pointed out is that if indeed has an addiction he has taken no steps to address and end that addiction. And it's my sense he won't. Most addicts don't truly quit though until they're at rock bottom and that means they lose major chunks of their life over the addiction. You know, like jobs and relationships.

 

It would be very easy for me to tell my husband I spent our money on another horse then blame it on a shopping addiction. You know, I need new horses to fill that hole in my life. Problem is it wouldn't be true, it would just be me selfishly wanting to buy another horse simply because I like them. I could use the addiction excuse if I wanted though, I just choose not to do so.

 

And OP regardless here's the kicker. If he were serious about saving your relationship there are so many treatments, treatment facilities, online therapy, books and plenty of other tools galore that your boyfriend could avail himself of if he really wanted to fix the problem. But he hasn't done that and that's kind of why I cry BS on him. Saying you're addicted is not an excuse for then not getting it treated. It does not excuse his actions. If anything, now that he's admitted to an addiction it triples his responsibility to go get it fixed. He knows he has a problem. He knows it hurts you. He knows talking to live women is very different than simply looking at glossy pics of women he will never interact with or usually even have a prayer of interacting with.

 

And yet all he can come up with is "I'm addicted." It's not really a defense under those circumstances. Call him on it. Tell him you want him in therapy and to immediately have him off the computer in much the same way an alcoholic trying to get clean doesn't go to a bar. Put a child lock on the thing then if he wants to fix it all I'm sure he'll be more than happy to get some outside help for his addiction. You wouldn't let him bring alcohol home if he were an alcoholic or go to bars, so why would you let him have access to electronics, why would he want access to electronics then, if he is trying indeed to get clean.