Depressed in London

[MissF]

I just moved from New Zealand to London about one month ago with my boyfriend on a two year working visa. I sold my car, left behind a good and stable job all for the experience of what London and Europe has to offer. This all sounds very exciting and adventurous.. however, I am only 25 and feel like I'm experiencing a quarter life crisis. I'm not sure if it's the transition of coming from such a quiet, green country to the large metropolis of London or the fact that I haven't found a job yet but I am getting more and more sad every day.

 

A little bit about me - coming from New Zealand, I thoroughly enjoy the great outdoors, hiking, rocking climbing, abseiling and am so used to having this all on my door step. I was able to hike/climb outdoors every weekend within only an hours drive. I am extremely passionate about the outdoors as it helps me to destress and unwind from work and I enjoy the thrill and adrenaline of it. My life revolved around doing this kind of thing - eating healthy, exercising during the week at my local indoor climbing gym, going for a run around the block.. etc. But now... I haven't seen a mountain or large open space in weeks and it's killing me. I'm struggling to find anything to love about London and feel like I'm here just for the sake of an 'experience' and because everyone told me I would have a brilliant time. Unfortunately, I don't find drinking and going to pubs/bars very exciting and it seems to be the thing to do here.. I enjoy being healthy, getting a good night's sleep and preparing for a weekend of outdoor adventures.

 

I'm not sure where to go from here, previously I worked in design/marketing but I'm struggling to find a job here. My boyfriend is a software developer and found work almost immediately. He was head hunted and didn't have to apply for any jobs as they all came to him. He also enjoys climbing and hiking but isn't as obsessed with it as I am I suppose.. so for him, he's content doing the 9-5 and living city life. I feel like this may tear us apart as I've been thinking about going back home if I don't find work within the next month. I've told him I don't want to rely on him as I'm so used to being independent and supporting myself. He said he's happy to support me and that I shouldn't give up so easily. I hate giving up and I'm not one to do this but I'm not sure if I just really miss doing the things that make me happy or if I am actually giving up?

 

Should I stay or should I see it through? Deep down I know I don't belong here but usually if I have a goal in mind I am set on achieving it. I had a goal of advancing my career and getting overseas experience here but it is depressing getting rejected from jobs and giving up what I enjoy. My boyfriend suggested we work and save money for 6 months and then go backpacking around Europe for 3 months then either go home or back to London depending on how we feel. This sounds like an ideal plan if I manage to last 6 months here but I feel like I've fallen in a deep dark hole and there's no escape. I feel like he doesn't understand as he didn't have to go job hunting and with his salary he doesn't need to worry about money. Most of the jobs within my ability are about half of his salary so even if we stay here there's only so much I can save after paying the sky high rent. I'm at a crossroads and I don't know what to do.

[Clinton]

Stay or go but realize that if you go your relationship is probably over.

[Hermes]

MissF.

 

You are missing your homeland. A huge metropolis like London (I lived there once for a time) is vastly different from the countryside of New Zealand.

However, there is marvellous countryside not that very far out of London. Get on a train and go exploring, and you will be impressed by the beauty of the country. There are some truly beautiful places. So many people who live in the big city get out of it at week-ends to go hill walking, to the coasts (example go up to Norfolk, it is stunning). That aside London is blessed with great and very large parks....

 

I don't think there is any shortage of gyms of all kinds in London......

 

As it is only for two years perhaps just make the best of it, explore the country, and maybe just take a part-time job.

[MissF]

Hi Hermes, yes you're right, I am missing it immensely and feel very homesick which is making it hard to commit to the decision of staying here. I guess it's just a dramatic change for me as I was so used to hopping in my car and driving to the bush/beach within an hour. I miss that freedom and feel quite suffocated by all the people/traffic/buildings here. I have been to a few parks and markets but I get very bored very quickly hence the need for outdoor adventures in the mountains as such. It's hard because my friends here don't understand and sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me that I feel the need to go hiking etc every weekend... I will make the effort to hop on a train and explore the countryside as per your suggestion Thank you!

[Man with Dog]

Funny, I had a quarter life crisis, too!

 

Not to tell either of you off BUT ...

 

You should have both considered this a bit more carefully. I hate the idea of stereotyping but I have met a few Kiwis and Aussies who wished to experience the "Great European Adventure". Now what you haven't mentioned is things like boat rides on the Thames and visiting places of interest. Maybe it's not "fun" to do on your own but, perhaps, your b/f could show you places at the weekend. True, I'm twice your age and more but London has a lot more to offer than alcohol!

 

I sort of get your b/f's stance but maybe you should have both applied for jobs and had some interviews lined up BEFORE travelling. Easy to be wise after the event. I think if you find work in your field, even if it is lower paid it is worth it. At 25 (not 50+) I think it is important to have some sort of employment regardless of the financial situation. I could suggest that you write magazine articles about London for "back home" but I don't think that's what you really want.

 

Being cut off from your interests is hard. I was without some hobby equipment for a week and nearly went mad(der???). It just isn't practical to hop on a train to Wales, N England or Scotland every weekend, especially if your bf has had a hard week at work. On the other hand, you have a right to do more than sit and drink!

 

I hate to be pessimistic BUT I don't think there's any cast iron guarantee that your bf will leave a high paid job after 6 months if he cannot get permission.

 

I don't really know what the answer is. Would it be possible for you to move out of London and he can long commute or find a job away from London? E.g. there are jobs in Wales.

 

Could you live away from London during the week and get a job at an "outward bound" centre? It isn't ideal but better than doing full LDR from Kiwiland.

 

I agree with Clinton that returning home alone puts your relationship at high risk.

 

Abseiling down buildings is not encouraged here.

[appies]

Hi Hermes, yes you're right, I am missing it immensely and feel very homesick which is making it hard to commit to the decision of staying here. I guess it's just a dramatic change for me as I was so used to hopping in my car and driving to the bush/beach within an hour. I miss that freedom and feel quite suffocated by all the people/traffic/buildings here. I have been to a few parks and markets but I get very bored very quickly hence the need for outdoor adventures in the mountains as such. It's hard because my friends here don't understand and sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me that I feel the need to go hiking etc every weekend... I will make the effort to hop on a train and explore the countryside as per your suggestion Thank you!

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Having lived in the Canadian mountains most of my life, I fully understand what you are saying. Personally, I know I would find living in london very difficult at first.

 

That being said, I think what we look for in the mountains is a sense of adventure or challenge. You can find these experiences in different things. It just takes a while.

[Hermes]

Absolutely nothing at all wrong with YOU, Mss F. I assure you. And equally I can assure you that many many from the big city can't wait for week-ends to head into the countryside. There must be any number of walking and hiking groups. Got an idea: go into the tourism office, in London, and they will have masses of information on all these country activities, you'll be swamped!

 

Here are a few links who may have info.

 

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[MissF]

Hi Man with Dog, yes we are looking for that "Great European Adventure" which perhaps we were looking at with rose tinted glasses as so many of us do. I was not expecting it to be all flowers and sunshine upon arriving here but I can't deny that it has most definitely been a challenge so far.

 

We did discuss moving to Manchester/Leeds/Ireland/Scotland instead but thought we would be faced with a similar issue anyway. As we have never travelled anywhere in the UK we weren't sure what these places were like.. and most of our friends are in London too.

 

I do understand that moving home would put our relationship at risk however we are both young and I believe we shouldn't hinder or influence one another's decisions. Yes, it may mean that we end up breaking up but I think we should do what is best for our careers and our wellbeing while we are still young.

 

I'm not sure if there is a black and white answer for my situation right now, I am merely looking for advice but I think the best thing for me is to keep on trying.

 

Hopefully I won't have to resort to abseiling down buildings

[MissF]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Having lived in the Canadian mountains most of my life, I fully understand what you are saying. Personally, I know I would find living in london very difficult at first.

 

That being said, I think what we look for in the mountains is a sense of adventure or challenge. You can find these experiences in different things. It just takes a while.

 

I really like what you said in those last few lines. Finding adventure and challenge is what I'm passionate about and yes maybe I just have to look at things differently.

[MissF]

Absolutely nothing at all wrong with YOU, Mss F. I assure you. And equally I can assure you that many many from the big city can't wait for week-ends to head into the countryside. There must be any number of walking and hiking groups. Got an idea: go into the tourism office, in London, and they will have masses of information on all these country activities, you'll be swamped!

 

Here are a few links who may have info.

 

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Thanks Hermes! It does help getting ideas from someone who has experienced London before and it's also great to know there are plenty of hiking and walking groups I will take your ideas on board.

[DoF]

Moving from New Zealand to is probably one of the worst ideas EVER. New Zealand is one of the best and beautiful places on this planet. Especially if you are outdoorsy person like me.

 

Jesus what I would do to be able to live there.......

 

Where were you thinking? And to London/England out of all the places? Jeees, that just sounds miserable (but again, i hate cities and love outdoors/peace and quiet).

 

Write this off as "learning the hard way" OP and as a confirmation of what you love/enjoy.

 

It's important to know what makes you happy and you enjoy in your life. Many of us don't learn these things about ourselves until 30s or so. Learning it at 25 is a good thing.

 

Now take action and steps to get back to what you love.

 

Good luck

[Man with Dog]

I know more about moving countries than I let on, as it would blow my "cover". I think it is best to do a lot of research about potential jobs/expensive/lifestyle, etc.

[MissF]

Moving from New Zealand to is probably one of the worst ideas EVER. New Zealand is one of the best and beautiful places on this planet. Especially if you are outdoorsy person like me.

 

Jesus what I would do to be able to live there.......

 

Where were you thinking? And to London/England out of all the places? Jeees, that just sounds miserable (but again, i hate cities and love outdoors/peace and quiet).

 

Write this off as "learning the hard way" OP and as a confirmation of what you love/enjoy.

 

It's important to know what makes you happy and you enjoy in your life. Many of us don't learn these things about ourselves until 30s or so. Learning it at 25 is a good thing.

 

Now take action and steps to get back to what you love.

 

Good luck

 

I'm not sure what I was thinking to be honest. We want to travel and see the world so our plan was to use London as a base so we can travel to Europe on long weekends etc.. New Zealanders are able to easily obtain a two year working visa in the UK which is why we chose to come here. If I could live and work in Switzerland on the same visa, I would most definitely be doing that instead!

 

Once upon a time I did love the city and the idea of the big smoke excited me but now that I've come to learn what I love.. it's hard to find the city exciting anymore.

 

Yes this is learning the hard way and is confirmation that I come from a beautiful, unspoilt country. But I do feel obliged to at least do some sort of stint overseas for the sake of an experience.. a story to tell one day.

[melancholy123]

I've been to London 5 times and I love it there. I haven't lived there for any amount of time but as cities go it's my fave big city. You can hop a train to anywhere in the whole country! Go out to Windsor and see Windsor Castle and walk around the town, it's lovely there! Head north for a weekend, see Liverpool and area. Go down to Brighton, some great restaurants and it's on the water, so lots to see there.

 

Regents' Park is in London, it's huge and great for a jog or just sit and watch the ducks and swans in the water there. You have an amazing city at your fingertips, check it out before you throw in the towel! There's also boat rides on the Thames, all the touristy things you can do. A huge city to walk around as well. I get that it's very different from New Zealand but it's a wonderful city! I've wanted to live there for about 6 months to get a good feel for it, and hopefully one day I can.

[Man with Dog]

Sorry if I've got this wrong BUT it seems to be that your bf is more interested in alcohol than exploring the UK and Europe. I get that, after a long working week, he might not feel like packing and travelling on a Friday evening but, surely, once a month is not unreasonable plus a few shorter trips in between.

[dave_1966]

Sorry to hear about how difficult you're finding London. I'm not a Londoner by birth but have lived here for many years, it is an amazing place to live in so many ways. Yes, the rents are high, but there's reasons for that which aren't difficult to figure out. If you're in to things like rock climbing, the closest you'll get here are places like the Castle climbing centre at Green Lanes. Take a look if you're in North London, you may meet some interesting people there rather than just hanging out in Soho pubs with tourists. There are also beautiful places a train ride away from London, I would recommend the Peak District, Yorkshire Dales, The Lake District, Purbeck, all offer great outdoor activities for a long weekend away. Take the time to go to Edinburgh, Bath, and just walk around taking in the history. Theses are beautiful historic places. For things to do in London check 'Time out', not everything costs and a walk on Hampstead Heath or along the Thames at Richmond is free, as are all the major museums and galleries. Fifteen quid will get you a return on the boat from Westminster pier to Greenwich, which is wonderful. Ironically, I have a friend in New Zealand aching to get back to London as his mindset is the direct opposite of yours. He compares New Zealand to rural Wales in the fifties in comparison to London.

 

Oh, and don't bother with Stonehenge, it's crap.

[Hermes]

Agreed, Dave!

 

There is so much to do.

[Man with Dog]

I think you'll find many of these places are a long (5-6 hr) train journey from London and quite expensive, too. Budget flights to Paris are much cheaper by comparison.

 

Sorry to sound negative.

[Man with Dog]

Incidentally, Stonehenge is not that pretty (I agree) but is about the sense of history. Not everyone's cup of tea. I think Windsor has already been mentioned. Bristol is a couple of hours, still quite long but closer than many places.

[MissF]

Sorry if I've got this wrong BUT it seems to be that your bf is more interested in alcohol than exploring the UK and Europe. I get that, after a long working week, he might not feel like packing and travelling on a Friday evening but, surely, once a month is not unreasonable plus a few shorter trips in between.

 

Uhh my boyfriend doesn't drink... at all. He hasn't had a drink since last year. Not sure how you got that?

[MissF]

Yes I have checked out the Castle climbing centre which is great I have also heard the Peak and Lake District is lovely so will look in to that.. I have friends back home in NZ who have also said the same thing about wanting to return to London. The city life in NZ is not comparable to London so I can understand why they miss it. But I guess it does depend on the individual.

 

Ahh I was looking forward to Stonehenge haha.. perhaps I will move this further down the bucket list

[Hermes]

MissF.

 

Another link:

 

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