Why do women crave marriage so much??

[mhowe]

Programming is not social conditioning.

 

We all have been given a voice and a brain. Whether we use them is a choice.

[Hermes]

Yes, MHowe. You are quite correct.

 

Problem is that a lot of people don-t think with what's between their ears, but with what's between somewhere else.

 

Certainly the media is at fault for portraying a totally false view of relationships (and of nearly everything else as well.) You know the kind of thing. Front cover of trashy magazine: "Jennie and Wayne married today after a whirlwind courtship of one week. The deliriously happy couple pictured here smiling."

Fast forward a few months, same magazine: Jennie and Wayne are in court. Wayne and/or Jennie have already been booked for assault, neighbourhood disturbance, etc. etc.. The delerious smiles are nowhere to be seen.

 

And as other posters have remarked there are other factors. Some women get married in order to have another "father". There are a group who marry for money. And believe it or not in this day and age there are couples who marry out of convenience, i.e. to keep two family fortunes together.

[journeynow]

I never craved marriage, nor did the man I married. When we chose marriage it was because we felt it was a meaningful celebration and public recognition of our love and commitment, and it took our relationship to a new level. It turned out our vows were very powerful in a way I didn't foresee or understand before we made them. It's not a piece of paper, it can be something deeper and more profound.

[Hermes]

Yes, Journeynow! Yes.

 

My mother was 34 when she married my father, and he was 40 (first and only time for them both). They had both lived, worked and seen life before getting married.

[rosephase]

Programming is not social conditioning.

 

We all have been given a voice and a brain. Whether we use them is a choice.

 

I think it's less of a choice then you think it is. So many people get married because that is what our culture tells us to do when you love someone. It's what our culture tells us to do when you want to have kids. We are very much shaped by the media and the society we see. It doesn't make us dumb it just shapes us very deeply in ways we don't fully comprehend.

 

Much like sexism and racism and ableism... people who think hard about these topics still hold these ideas deep inside themselves. It's not as simple as "Think!". It's not as simple as a choice. Our culture shapes our desires. It makes us who we are. It makes choices for us. And I say that as a person who actively resists marriage. Marriage is still given more weight as a "real relationship". Marriage is a "mature relationship". Marriage in our culture is considered above other kinds of commitment. And that influences people. Are they individual choices? Sure. But we are products of our culture. Do some people reject what the culture feeds them? Yes of course! Are they still shaped by the culture? Yes of course!

[Hermes]

Rose:

 

I think there are different attitudes in different cultures. Arranged marriages are still the norm in several parts of the world.

 

All that said, certain characters are not as strong as others. Why would one person be influenced by a media advertisement, or show, where it would take no effect on another.

 

IMO it isn't even about society or the media, and going by what I read here, and what I hear and see in 3D, there are far too many who marry out of sheer fright, so so scared of being "alone" as in "loneliness". Marry someone, anyone, but don't be alone.

 

I am trying to remember, ...heard some time back about a couple who had lived together 40 years or so and then decided to marry! Often that step is taken to smooth out any estate matters and so on.

[mhowe]

Society can "tell you" or "condition you" all it pleases. You have a choice.

 

I have loved a fair few men. Spent anywhere from a year to 8 years in a relationship. Society didn't tell me I should marry.

Or if it did, I guess I just didn't hear it.

[rosephase]

Society can "tell you" or "condition you" all it pleases. You have a choice.

 

I have loved a fair few men. Spent anywhere from a year to 8 years in a relationship. Society didn't tell me I should marry.

Or if it did, I guess I just didn't hear it.

 

You did hear it. You pushed back against it. So did I. That doesn't mean it didn't shape us. Hell maybe if marriage wasn't the giant symbol of oppression to me because of it being forced down my throat as the only real kind of long term relationship I would be more open to it? I'm not saying you can't resist culture but even in resistance you are being shaped by it.

 

Who knows how many women would want to be married if we showed a lot of different options. If kids grew up around poly families, happy single folk and we had art/entertainment that showed and normalized the wide range of relationships, who knows what would happen socially? I think it's already changing with more vocal non-mogamous people, more vocal child free people, more visible options make for a more diverse society.

[journeynow]

Combined, we all make up "culture" and "society". As we grow up, we choose which part of the old culture and society to perpetuate, and which to change, revise, or replace. Each generation changes things, rebels in some way. I think to blame difficult choices on our culture or society is a waste of energy. Decide what you value in your life and the world around you, consider why, and exemplify those values.

[Hermes]

Heh heh MHowe. I am with you on this. Certainly in my family no one ever asked if and when I would marry. Being sensible people they left it up to me, although I am sure they thought at times I never would. Heh heh. I surprised them and I did! But when I felt I wanted to. In fact I think I surprised myself......

 

No way, no way, would I have married in my teens or twenties. I can say hand on heart I was never lonely, I had too much to do anyhow, and life was good. I liked living on my own then, and have always enjoyed my "own" time, in my own company.

But I also know that the outlook I have and had came from a stable and steady upbringing.

[mhowe]

You did hear it. You pushed back against it. So did I. That doesn't mean it didn't shape us. Hell maybe if marriage wasn't the giant symbol of oppression to me because of it being forced down my throat as the only real kind of long term relationship I would be more open to it? I'm not saying you can't resist culture but even in resistance you are being shaped by it.

 

Who knows how many women would want to be married if we showed a lot of different options. If kids grew up around poly families, happy single folk and we had art/entertainment that showed and normalized the wide range of relationships, who knows what would happen socially? I think it's already changing with more vocal n

on-mogamous people, more vocal child free people, more visible options make for a more diverse society.

 

I didn't hear anything! I was brought up to be independent and self sufficient. I never met a man who loved me/I loved him the way I saw with my parents and as that was my model, I refused to settle for less.

 

That doesn't mean I didn't love, but it does mean that I held marriage sacred.

 

If my Boyfriend and I decide to marry or not....I know I have found that "special" love that makes one want to marry.

 

Again....society has squat to do with it.

[Fudgie]

It's not universal. I am a woman and the older I get, the more ambivalent I am about marriage. The reason you crave it is because there is something about it that you want in your life. For some, it's love. For others, it's about status, being seen as "adult", and being seen as normal. I've longed believed that the reason why gay marriage has exploded in demand is because marriage is sort of society's way of making a relationship "legitimate". Couples who marry, right or wrong, are seen as fundamentally more solid, more committed, more connected than unmarried couples.

 

You crave marriage because there is something or things about it that you want in your life. This is not universal. Men crave it too. They just aren't as vocal and it's not as driven into them from a young age that they need a partner to be complete.

[Hermes]

And then we have folks who marry multiple times. Did I read on here a few days back about someone who had married and divorced FIVE times?

 

Where, I ask, would one get the ENERGY to do all that?!!

[Fudgie]

And then we have folks who marry multiple times. Did I read on here a few days back about someone who had married and divorced FIVE times?

 

Where, I ask, would one get the ENERGY to do all that?!!

 

I don't know but boy, when some people want something, they really, really, really go for it.

[itsallgrand]

I've never craved marriage. I've known about equal men and women who have, I would say.

 

To say I haven't craved it, doesn''t mean I've never seen what could be appealing about it. The longer I live though, the longer I feel I could get all those things with or without marrying.

 

What I want, personally, is that one person to share and love with and go the distance with.

[wilyone 11]

Programming is not social conditioning.

 

We all have been given a voice and a brain. Whether we use them is a choice.

 

I am using my brain to analyze the cost/benefits of marriage. Logically, I cannot explain what is so valuable about it. I couldn't care less about status or being provided for. I have enough money to live comfortably and I love my work.

 

Yet something deep inside me desires it.

 

I'm just trying to pinpoint what that is and where it comes from. The responses have given me food for thought.

[Hermes]

One must not also forget the legal side of matters. Because of the way society is constructed (and I speak in general terms) the legalities have to be taken into account. Estate upon death, one example.

[journeynow]

I am using my brain to analyze the cost/benefits of marriage. Logically, I cannot explain what is so valuable about it. I couldn't care less about status or being provided for. I have enough money to live comfortably and I love my work.

 

Yet something deep inside me desires it.

 

I'm just trying to pinpoint what that is and where it comes from. The responses have given me food for thought.

 

I think it's a matter of the heart, not the head. Emotions, not logic.

[wilyone 11]

One must not also forget the legal side of matters. Because of the way society is constructed (and I speak in general terms) the legalities have to be taken into account. Estate upon death, one example.

 

In the US, I'm pretty sure that all the legalities can be handled in the same manner without being married, for example through a will. I can leave my entire estate to you if I choose. In any case, I wouldn't marry someone to get his money when he dies.

[wilyone 11]

I think it's a matter of the heart, not the head. Emotions, not logic.

 

Good point. I've been reading so many men's blogs that I'm starting to analyze everything logically lol. I'm falling into their mindset and still not understanding it!

 

Why can't my heart be satisifed with a verbal, heartfelt commitment and no piece of paper. I don't understand that either. It must be fear of loss of love.

 

Good night everyone.

[dave_1966]

An interesting thread, twenty or so years ago I found myself (once again) sleeping with a woman I had studied with whom I had an on-off attraction to for several years. I was newly single, but she was now engaged. It just happened. She was very attractive, late twenties, though I always thought her a little cold and emotionless. The guy she was engaged to was quite a bit older, overweight, and let's say not the greatest looking guy. He did, however, have a very well paid job and a large house just outside London.

 

She said to me one day 'You know, I don't love 'John' but who else could offer me all this? What are the laws about divorce? Could I take him for half of this after a while?'. I was blown away by this, I thought she'd always been a bit of a cow to be honest but I thought this was pretty horrible. A short while later she said to me that we couldn't carry on, as though she would be a major loss in my life. I thought to myself, get out of here and let this trollope get on with things, and duly disappeared from her life permanently. Bumping in to one of her friends I was told I wasn't invited to the wedding because she'd 'lost my number', and then several years later received an email out of the blue from her saying that she was now divorced and a single mother living up north 'and it would be great to speak to you'. I never got back to her ever again, any woman who can be such a blatant user has no part in my life ever.

 

The point I make is that this was the most brutally honest statement about marriage I've ever heard in my life.

[pippy longstocking]

I am not against marriage ---- I am baffled at "marriage as a goal", as in "I want to be married".

And yet do nothing to prepare themselves to be an interested, independent and compassionate partner.

 

 

Too many young women view it as a day, not a commitment. And that is absurd.

 

yep that probably summs up my feelings better than I could say

[Hermes]

Wilyone. I would not marry someone for his money either. And that is NOT what I was implying. And every jurisdiction is different.

 

I see absolutely nothing wrong with wishing to marry in the same way as I see absolutely nothing wrong with NOT wishing to marry. Once again (I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall lol) there are certain legalities to be considered.

[Seraphim]

Wilyone. I would not marry someone for his money either. And that is NOT what I was implying. And every jurisdiction is different.

 

I see absolutely nothing wrong with wishing to marry in the same way as I see absolutely nothing wrong with NOT wishing to marry. Once again (I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall lol) there are certain legalities to be considered.

Exactly both views are valid.

[mhowe]

In the US, I'm pretty sure that all the legalities can be handled in the same manner without being married, for example through a will. I can leave my entire estate to you if I choose. In any case, I wouldn't marry someone to get his money when he dies.

 

You can leave your entire estate to anyone you please, but there will be estate tax paid on it.

 

A spouse, and only a spouse, receives the entire estate (if it is designated that way) TAX FREE.

 

HUGE DIFFERENCE.