Signs of obsession or am I overreacting?

[Misskitty16]

Paris, I do occasionally meet "good" ones, but like with anything else, I guess - they are better catches and therefore probably dating more women, possibly very attractive and educated women. It makes sense that a guy who is 6'4 and has a master's degree probably is not going to sustain interest in an average looking financial clerk with two years of college - I use this only as an example, but it did happen and I liked him a lot. Not saying being 6'4 matters, only that they will get hit on more on-line.

 

However, the criminal who is not good-looking and has little education and a low wage job is going to be less likely to have so many women.

[Hollyj]

You need to think more of yourself. The losers you are attracting can sense your low self esteem.

 

Nothing is sexier than confidence. Be proud of who you are.

[JA0371]

Threads like this make me glad Im dating someone 'normal'....normal is so underrated lol!!

[Misskitty16]

You need to think more of yourself. The losers you are attracting can sense your low self esteem.

 

Nothing is sexier than confidence. Be proud of who you are.

 

Makes sense, but I don't see anything in my profile that shows me as someone with low self-esteem. I never get contacted by the classy guys (well, almost never). I do not know why this is. I am not looking for Richard Gere, just a normal guy with no record, who does not drink in excess and can keep his emotions in check.

[abitbroken]

I have read your other threads. I would take a break form online dating. You are looking to fill a hole right now. I would, as I said on another thread, go to grief counseling and support, meetup groups, take a fun class, etc. If you happen to meet someone that way - great - but if not, fine too. But based on your grief that is really raw right now, I would take myself off the market and focus on making friends and developing a new extended support network.

 

Makes sense, but I don't see anything in my profile that shows me as someone with low self-esteem.

 

No, maybe there isn't (although we have not read your profile - there could be something that you don't realize.) but maybe its the messages from guys you are choosing to respond to, to give weight to, or to ultimately meet. Or maybe its the amount of emotional sharing you do before you meet up for coffee.

[Sportster2005]

If you're uncomfortable with his pace, then it's too fast. Keep fishing.

[Misskitty16]

If you're uncomfortable with his pace, then it's too fast. Keep fishing.

 

Definitely uncomfortable - and this is coming from someone who can be needy. I was trying to write an email to a gf of mine who was distraught because her cat died and he called three times before I could finish it. It really annoyed me.

[browneyedgirl36]

Definitely uncomfortable - and this is coming from someone who can be needy. I was trying to write an email to a gf of mine who was distraught because her cat died and he called three times before I could finish it. It really annoyed me.

 

YIKES! Definitely needy. A good rule of thumb: If you have a bad/uncomfortable feeling about someone, it's probably for a very good reason. He sounds WAY too pushy!

[Misskitty16]

YIKES! Definitely needy. A good rule of thumb: If you have a bad/uncomfortable feeling about someone, it's probably for a very good reason. He sounds WAY too pushy!

 

I agree. It would be easier if he weren't so nice, though. He is very kind to me. But nonetheless, I'll just tell him - whatever - not sure what I will tell him yet. He is very sensitive.

[Misskitty16]

UPDATE: I emailed him that I thought he was very kind, but I was not ready to date (he knows I lost my mom). I told him I knew he would understand.

 

We'll see how that goes. He already has emailed me on the dating site, but I have not logged on. I have hidden my profile, but people you have communicated with can still make contact, which is stupid.

[boltnrun]

Of course he's love-bombing you! He knows not many other women would accept his criminal past and his obsessive behavior.

 

Good job telling him it's not going to happen.

[Misskitty16]

Of course he's love-bombing you! He knows not many other women would accept his criminal past and his obsessive behavior.

 

Good job telling him it's not going to happen.

 

Thanks - I wanted to be kind but firm at the same time.

[Misskitty16]

He is still calling (my land line). I did not pick up.

 

So he has emailed and called since I sent him the email about two hours ago.

[pippy longstocking]

oh no ....well really it is no surprise ..he was too full on and I said right at the start , my pal has had a few like this and they also did this when she ended it ..chased her like they had been together 50 years . They all got the hint in the end .

[Misskitty16]

oh no ....well really it is no surprise ..he was too full on and I said right at the start , my pal has had a few like this and they also did this when she ended it ..chased her like they had been together 50 years . They all got the hint in the end .

 

I'm just glad he doesn't know where I live.

[pippy longstocking]

oh god can you imagine ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[abitbroken]

UPDATE: I emailed him that I thought he was very kind, but I was not ready to date (he knows I lost my mom). I told him I knew he would understand.

 

We'll see how that goes. He already has emailed me on the dating site, but I have not logged on. I have hidden my profile, but people you have communicated with can still make contact, which is stupid.

 

You are giving them too much of a glimmer of hope - she thinks I am kind and she is not ready - but because she thinks I am kind, I will hang around until she IS ready. She will feel better in her grief eventually. See the logic? I would just shut people down. Just tell him thanks for the date but "i don't think we are the right match - good luck in your search." Or someone might be able to word it better.

 

Also, do you have a cell phone - like even a prepaid one that you can use instead of giving out your landline number to guys? Or use Google Voice that you can change if someone is harrassing you?

[Misskitty16]

You are giving them too much of a glimmer of hope - she thinks I am kind and she is not ready - but because she thinks I am kind, I will hang around until she IS ready. She will feel better in her grief eventually. See the logic? I would just shut people down. Just tell him thanks for the date but "i don't think we are the right match - good luck in your search." Or someone might be able to word it better.

 

Also, do you have a cell phone - like even a prepaid one that you can use instead of giving out your landline number to guys? Or use Google Voice that you can change if someone is harrassing you?

 

I agree with this 100%, but had not thought of that as I was writing. It DOES give that glimmer. It was TOO nice. Ughh.....

 

I thought that was awfully b*llsey of him to call me right afterward - like he thought it was a joke or something?

 

If he calls or writes again (and he will) I will say exactly what you wrote - "Thank you, but I don't think we are a match. Good luck to you." Of course, it will sound bogus since I already wrote the song and dance about "not being ready".

[abitbroken]

I agree with this 100%, but had not thought of that as I was writing. It DOES give that glimmer. It was TOO nice. Ughh.....

 

I thought that was awfully b*llsey of him to call me right afterward - like he thought it was a joke or something?

 

If he calls or writes again (and he will) I will say exactly what you wrote - "Thank you, but I don't think we are a match. Good luck to you." Of course, it will sound bogus since I already wrote the song and dance about "not being ready".

 

Don't tell anyone that your mom just died before you date them. When you are dating and they start to ask about your family, you can say that. That's just my take. You will not attract men wanting to fix women, men looking for vulnerable women, "rescuers'. Find out if you have enough common ground to get past the first date rather than that.

 

Also, I know the feeling of wanting to tell people about something like that - but tell other people.

[Misskitty16]

Don't tell anyone that your mom just died before you date them. When you are dating and they start to ask about your family, you can say that. That's just my take. You will not attract men wanting to fix women, men looking for vulnerable women, "rescuers'. Find out if you have enough common ground to get past the first date rather than that.

 

Also, I know the feeling of wanting to tell people about something like that - but tell other people.

 

I agree. Well, it's done, anyways - I've not heard from him since that day (he emailed me on the site once and called once). So that is good. For some reason, I thought he would keep contacting me. Probably "latched onto" someone else.

[Misskitty16]

UPDATE: He has already called and emailed me today on the site. Abitbroken, I am going to reply exactly as you put it - "thank you, but I don't think we are a match. Good luck to you". I am nervous that he says "he still wants to see me". I am also incredibly uncomfortable that he has my last name. Ergo, he probably has already found my address.

 

I KNOW that was stupid to give out my last name so soon, somehow it just came up - and he seemed so harmless, initially.

[Misskitty16]

I just blocked him. That is only the second time ever I have had to do that to someone. I don't like it, but it had to be done.

[abitbroken]

Oh, I know its water under the bridge - but next time - hold off on talking about mom - talk about things you are into.

(Or if you find yourself defaulting to it - take a break on dating. Meet people you naturally run into - but take a break from online dating, being set up by friends, etc, until you don't feel the want to lead with it) I used to "lead" with a hidden disibility i have. Anyone who I met (not just dates - classmates - new business contacts) would know about it the first time they met me, before they officially met me, or with a short time of knowing me. Maybe it was me making a disclaimer about myself. I know thats not like a mom dying - but it relates to whatever your biggest issue is at the time. About ten years ago I decided I was telling nobody. People who get close to me know after quite awhile know because it comes up in a situation where it needs explaining - but at that point they already want to be around me.

 

UPDATE: He has already called and emailed me today on the site. Abitbroken, I am going to reply exactly as you put it - "thank you, but I don't think we are a match. Good luck to you". I am nervous that he says "he still wants to see me". I am also incredibly uncomfortable that he has my last name. Ergo, he probably has already found my address.

 

I KNOW that was stupid to give out my last name so soon, somehow it just came up - and he seemed so harmless, initially.

 

Take a deep breath. And do it. If the worst thing that can happen is he tells you he wants to see you anyways - then that's not that bad. All you have to do is say no or don't respond.

 

You gave your last name most likely as a sign of trust. You really want someone to like you and trust you that you are treating them like you already know and trust them so they might reciprocate. I know its not something you are consciously thinking about. And if it worked out and you hit it off it would have been no big deal.

[Misskitty16]

A "disclaimer" is a good way of putting it! I felt I was damaged somehow, and that I should disclose this info asap. But I will not do that anymore (until I know someone better). And I did block him from the dating site and my email, but I don't know how to do it from my home phone.

 

I don't think he will come by the house (assuming he found my address), but if he does, I am calling the police.

 

Yes, my profile is currently hidden on POF.

[abitbroken]

A "disclaimer" is a good way of putting it! I felt I was damaged somehow, and that I should disclose this info asap. But I will not do that anymore (until I know someone better). And I did block him from the dating site and my email, but I don't know how to do it from my home phone.

 

I don't think he will come by the house (assuming he found my address), but if he does, I am calling the police.

 

Yes, my profile is currently hidden on POF.

 

Losing a parent is an unfortunate part of life as we get older. Its not "damage" per se that is unusual or that involves a disclaimer. Its a sad thing that happened. Saying that you are leaving for a 2 year mission trip in Timbucktu in four months is an important disclaimer.