I'm at my ends with this girl. Losing my mind

[mhowe]

She isn't baiting you. And there was no response called for.

 

You have got to stop contacting her. NOW.

[Aeropro]

She ended up responding to the last text I had already sent. I've realizing that there is nothing more I can do and need to stop contact per what you just said mhowe.

 

" you don't have anything to be sorry for. I understand where you're coming from. If a friendship isn't gonna work for you, I'm not gonna ask that from you. You gotta do what you need to do too."

 

I laid it all out again because I'm losing my mind.

 

"I am sorry though. I've replayed the last few days and I've been over pressuring and that's because man oh man I don't want to ruin a future chance with you because you've seriously been the brightest thing in my life since I went through what you're going through. I can just talk to you and be open with you and I really appreciate all you've done. It's just scary letting go not knowing. I want to stay in contact with you, but I need to know you're okay with that knowing that I view you romantically and not in a friend kind of way. If you're okay with that then awesome... if not... I just gotta know because I don't want to let myself down. No more pressure from me if we keep in contact... it's just the that you've hung out with. I want to be a positive in your life."

[mhowe]

Each time you lay it out AGAIN, you are pushing her further away.

 

You keep saying "no pressure" when ever single time you respond when there is no call for a response.

[Aeropro]

Each time you lay it out AGAIN, you are pushing her further away.

 

You keep saying "no pressure" when ever single time you respond when there is no call for a response.

 

So she will respond and I should simply just not respond? Regardless of what she says if there is no direct question? I just don't want to do anything anymore to ruin any chances more than I already have.

[mhowe]

Stop contacting her. Period. You have told her the same thing a dozen times. I am sure she is clear on where you stand.

[reinventmyself]

Wow. . you need to learn to pick up on queues. Apparently you aren't able to read them. So in the meantime if you ever uncertain, don't act on it until you are get more information. Taking a moment to breath and get some clarity isn't going to hurt you.

 

From what you've shared, we picked up this girls possible lack of interest and pull back. We advised you accordingly.

It is however your choice, but instead of picking up on her queues and/or stepping back to gather more information you continue to act on it which in turn forces her to be more direct and possibly say something hurtful to you. Because I think that's the only thing that will get your attention.

 

Honestly, as a woman your persistence as you describe it would cause me concern. You've been here before with similar situations. . Please take something away from these experiences.

[Aeropro]

But that's the thing; I am a direct person. She hasn't directly told me that she doesn't want to be in contact with me, or that she completely ruled out dating me in the future. If I was in her shoes, I would do that as a favor to the other person. I don't want to lead anyone on. It's just that this all happened so fast... right when she and I had a heart-to-heart at her apartment and I finally felt at ease this all happened. It's like that feeling of being woken up RIGHT after you fall asleep... there is that panic that happens and I don't know why.

 

I would rather her tell me straight up to stop contacting her because she doesn't want to hurt me than to end up getting hurt in a month because she just used me for attention and that's that. I just can't stand it.

[mhowe]

She isn't you and cannot be expected to act as you wish her to act.

 

And I don't think you should count on her contacting you in a month. She isn't leading you on. You keep trying to insinuate yourself into her future.

[reinventmyself]

Everyone has a different way of dealing with things and saying `I am no longer interested' doesn't come naturally for some.

She actually may have wanted a moment to think about things and was on the fence about you, yet you forced her hand.

 

You got your answer. Problem solved!. . Had you stepped back I can't help but wonder how else this might have played out.

 

""I would rather her tell me straight up to stop contacting her "' How about you make a conscious informed choice based on words and actions on how you want to handle the situation next time?

 

And most importantly, get a handle on the panic you describe. You are acting without thinking. All this takes is the self control to step back for however long it takes to make a better choice.

[JustWishing]

reinventmyself is right. Also I wanted to ad... don't wait until she straight up tells you to not contact her anymore. Take self control and stop contacting her. Don't send her any more of these "sappy" texts. You corner her with those and the only outcome is that she breaks up contact with you completely. If I got those texts, I would feel nothing but sorry for you. I think she either still has stuff going on with her old relationship or she changed her mind about wanting to be with you. Pull back, relax, lean back and see what happens.

[browneyedgirl36]

But....she isn't you. Some people CAN'T be that direct; they're too polite, they don't want to hurt you, they were raised not to be TOO direct, whatever the case may be. Some people's feelings and thoughts are revealed a bit more indirectly, and from an (objective) third party's perspective here, you are absolutely applying pressure to her. Her responses to you were closed-ended. There were no questions in them -- just affirmation that she received your messages and understood. That's all.

 

Again, I did some of the stuff that you did -- wrote those "supportive" texts, got the same types of answers you got, kept pushing, kept trying to show that I was understanding, that I was leaving the door open (though I never actually told my ex I was leaving the door open, I'm sure it was clear that I was). Yeah, eventually he came back around, but...then he pulled the same thing again. And again. And again. It turned out he was just using me in a sense as a "transition person" until he was over his previous ex and found someone he really wanted to be with. Once he did both of those things, I was history.

 

Sometimes, no answer IS the answer. Another poster posted this quote on another thread, and I think it applies here: "If there is any doubt, then there is no doubt." In other words, if you have to ask, you already know the answer. At this point, she doesn't want to pursue anything with you. Whether that will change or not down the road is anyone's guess, but the ONLY thing you can do now is back off. To do anything else will just further complicate things and push her away even more. You have to learn to be OK with whatever happens -- or doesn't happen -- in this situation.

[boltnrun]

Stop replying to her texts with a book about how crazy you are about her and how you just feel this awesome connection and how great you two would be together and how great you are for her and how you'll wait for however long she wants,etc.

 

If I were the recipient of your texts, I would be thinking to myself "Gah! What do I have to do to get him to calm down and back off!!??"

 

Please, try to salvage some dignity and stop with the sales pitch. you don't need to unload your panic onto her. Try to find a way to deal with it that doesn't involve texting her.

[snf23]

If I were the recipient of your texts, I would be thinking to myself "Gah! What do I have to do to get him to calm down and back off!!??"

 

Please, try to salvage some dignity and stop with the sales pitch. you don't need to unload your panic onto her. Try to find a way to deal with it that doesn't involve texting her.

 

As a woman who is (presumably) around your age, this is exactly what I've been thinking reading this thread. We all have baggage, we all have issues. Maybe the timing wasn't right, maybe it was this or that etc etc. Unfortunately I've learned that no matter the circumstances, if someone wants to date you they will. They will put aside their issues, they will take a chance. I know I've done it.. god knows I had trust issues and the timing wasn't perfect when I met my last boyfriend. But he was so special and we had such a connection that I took a risk with everything for the fear that if I didn't he would be gone.

 

I hate to reiterate what everyone else has said, but I just don't think she's into you enough to have that feeling. The timing may not be right, but neither are her feelings for you. And the texts you've sent have not only confirmed her choice, but I think have compromised a future chance with her. Not everyone is as direct as you (and girls appreciate guys like you!) so you can't expect her to act that way. Everything she has replied has said "Please leave me alone while I figure this out, why are you making this so complicated" without actually saying it. Either you see that and ignore it, or you honestly can't read her signals. I believe that you two just aren't meant to be more than it was, and you need to pick up and move on from her. You deserve someone who wants to be with you for you, not because you've presented reasons to be with you.

[shessofly]

you're messages sounds very desperate...and i think even if she wanted to say it, it would be hard after receiving those texts to just say leave me alone. i do understand you are hurting, but you must stop texting her. post your thoughts here, if that will help.

[Aeropro]

Thanks for the replies guys. I toned it back... she ended up replying to my texts and I quickly changed the subject to a joke I heard at work and from there we've lightly texted about her cat's birthday (I was supposed to bring my cat tonight; something she wanted me to do before the guillotine came down) and I've just been playful ole' me. I'm done with the heavy texts... from here on out I am not initiating anymore and she knows more than well enough that the ball is in her court. Hopefully the distance makes her realize who I truly am and who I can be for her. Texting is not my forte I've learned... I'd much be better suited in the dating world twenty years ago, haha. Texting just makes me seem so desperate and I can't hide my feelings very well. I went out with my coworkers tonight and had a very good time. I just have to keep focusing on keeping my mind off things and hopefully things will turn out for the better. I know she will contact me again, but I just HAVE to play it cool from here on out. I can still salvage something with her once she comes around, but the only chance I have is by being 100% cool from here on out. Any slip now and the ice is shattered and in I go. I realize that now.

[Aeropro]

Woke up today after a long night's sleep of dreaming about her. I don't feel as... torn as yesterday for some reason though. I was in the shower realizing how crazy relationships with other people can be and how vulnerable someone actually DOES make themselves when they take the plunge. I remember she I texting back and forth for three months... having a great 5 weeks together in person... talking about the future and things. That's why it hurts so much, you know? I'm sitting here just wondering what will happen next; wondering if what I've done has ruined everything or maybe I pulled back the reigns and found some clarity just in time. I just don't know. We wander around in life focusing on ourselves, our careers, and our hobbies and then these certain people just cross our paths and make things that much sweeter. All I want is to have that. I am comfortable being alone... I have a lot of hobbies and friends and support that I am okay... but I just want to have that special person to amplify it and the last few months have been the best I've experienced since my ex cheated on me about a year ago now.

 

I know that some people say women think emotionally and men rationally, but I've learned that it really does vary from person to person. I think I have a heavy stream of both... I've tried to reason her emotions and then react upon my findings with emotions of my own. I just can't do that anymore. I drive past this beautiful young girl, someone I thought I could really have a future with, every day I drive home from work and have to act like she is some sort of stranger now in a weird way. No more texts from her of "I just saw you! =)" or me flirtatiously saying "I just drove past this super cute girl. I wish I could have grabbed her number...". Just... nothing. Blankness between us until she gives me a sign that she wants to be with me again. All the signs before were heavily saying 'yes', and in a spur of a moment that has knocked me down everything is heavily saying 'no', but there is just a glimmer of hope. I know she spent last night with her roomate, sister, and one of their guy friends who doesn't strike me as someone she wants to date based on what she's told me. It just hurts thinking I was supposed to be there with her.

 

Our brief conversation last night went as such; I'll just post it here so you guys can pick at it and help me out. Seriously, you have all been so helpful. Again, I am not planning on initiating anymore texts to her. If I don't hear back from her ever... then that sucks, but what more can I do?

 

Me

"Hahaha nooo I just called and at the very end... "Thanks ... I give up"

 

Her

" you might as well change your name"

 

Me

"Gonna change it to like do it... get called by everyone..."

 

Her

" that's exactly what would happen too"

 

Me

"No it wouldn't ! You take that back this instant and apologize"

 

Her

"Hahahah nope"

 

Me

"Did like my super amazing gift?"

 

Her

"He really does lol"

 

Me

"Good I'm glad"

 

Her

"He's playing with all your guys' presents, he's so happy

 

Me

"I really liked meeting the little guy I'm glad he's having a great first bday"

 

Her

"He is. My sisters cat isn't having it tho lol"

 

Me

"Haha I wonder how would have been. I bought her some new toys the other day to keep her busy... she loves them"

 

 

At least she kept the conversation going at times. Who knows what will happen?

[Aeropro]

She sent me a text this morning saying she had a response typed up but forgot to send it and apologized. She said she had her hands full with her cats. She wished me a good day...

 

Odd as my text didn't warrant a response. Not sure if she's just trying to be nice or showing me flashes of still having feelings as each morning for the last two months we've wished one another a good day etc.

 

Confused.

[fifregister]

Hands full with her cats?

 

I once responded to a guy's invitation to go on a date by saying that I had to get my cat's anal glands expressed and I was busy. But I digress.

 

It sounds like she is interested. BUT HER INTEREST IS VERY LOW. It doesn't have to do with you necessarily. It could be that she's not over her ex, she's not over her last relationship, she's not over herself, she doesn't want to date a coworker, etc.

 

This conversation seems to be idle chit chat that goes nowhere. The sort that I would amuse myself with when I'm bored.

 

You're trying to think too hard of what she wants, what she's feeling, how she wants to progress with you.

 

What do YOU want? Is this the sort of scenario or beginning of a relationship that you'd like? If you think it's worth it, then by all means you can continue until one of you gets fully bored and stops responding all together. Or you can tell her firmly that you're not looking for friendship and when she gets herself sorted then you can start hanging out and progressing towards a meaningful relationship.

 

It sucks to have such a good time with someone to be at the end of such wafty behavior. Believe me, probably EVERYONE here has been through it. But a little bit of focus and firm knowledge of what you're looking for will help you big time.

[Aeropro]

It was her cat's bday "party" and her roommate and sister were there with her as well as their mutual friend who is some other guy. She said she had a text typed up but forgot to send it... my guess is that she was waiting for me to send my usual "other" text because I was acting a bit needy the past few days but instead I just did my own thing. This morning I also didn't send any text and she sent me that text just before she started work so my guess is that I was being tested but who knows, haha. Who freaking knows. I just don't want to be a text pal/ego booster so I'm trying to play this cool. She had a tweet today that reads "#mixedsignals" and I am wondering if it is referring to her ex. For some reason I feel there are unresolved issues there and that they are still in contact somehow. Who knows.

 

Also I agree that I think she is interested... otherwise she wouldn't be texting me still. I think her interest is low due to things outside of my control. I think she had a lot of fun with me, realized what I had to offer... but as someone else said... she still has some things to deal with with her ex and herself and what I have to offer can't out-weigh that value right now. There has to be a reason she is keeping in touch with me though after all of the drama.

[Aeropro]

Update

 

We texted lightly when I was at work. I never proactively kept the convo going... just remained polite and conversational. To sum it up... she initiated texting in the morning and also in the evening. I had drove passed my work-place to show her my office over the weekend and today she texted me and said she drove passed and saw me in there. Odd, right? That started a text exchange that lasted about two hours and I ended it with a simple smiley and a confirmation of what she said last. "Ikr? =P"... We haven't texted since.

 

I feel more in control now. I obviously am still bummed... but today I just feel I stood a bit taller and held my ground and it has set the tone with how I will act in the future with her. If she doesn't initiate the texts, then I will never speak to her again. The ball is in her court... if our texting leads to hanging out again; awesome. If not... she's just not that interested at this time. I have to be in control here. She has been a mess on Twitter this evening. Tweeting about wanting her next relationship to be like characters in a TV show... about eating icecream and crying, etc. I'm pretty damn sure that this is all stemming from her break-up and she is still battling those emotions. I don't know where my place is in her mind right now, but I'll only know by backing off which is what she asked. Time to do my own thing because I can't be an ego-boosting text pal anymore.

[lostandhurt]

WOW!

 

That was a lot of reading. It took a lot of people telling you the same thing until it soaked in. Glad you ar seeing the light.

 

What I see is a woman that broke up with a guy she spent a long time, a guy she was staying with because she was comfortable. Then she meets you and probably starts to see that there is life after her ex so she broke up with him.

 

I didn't see anyone mention that her ex may not have given up so easily and may have contacted her again especially if he saw her tweets about you and her.

 

You were the rebound guy plain and simple. You really need to back way off and let her miss you. Go back to your life and enjoy the new job and coworkers.

 

This may work out yet but it has to be her choice, not quilted into anything, talked into it or rushed. Let her find her way like you did when you healed from your breakup.

 

 

I am sorry

 

Lost

[Aeropro]

That has been my assumption as the other time she took a time-out and told us to "take it slower" it was the same line. "I was with him for 2 years..." yadda yadda. I understand that. Something had to have happened between them and her twitter is the bait... because it is set to public and anyone can see it. She did have a tweet about me which is gone so she either removed it because he A) Called her out about being "loose" already hanging out with a guy, B) Knew he could see it, has feelings for him still, and removed it to not upset him... there's just no real way of knowing. It can warp someone's brain just thinking about it.

 

He tweeter last night confirmed that she was not over her last relationship. Yesterday evening was the first time I wasn't in regular contact with her proactively giving her attention and she had tweet after tweet with quotes about feeling lost, tomorrow being a better day, song quotes about the past and links to songs about "remembering the good times". This was all bad timing and I shouldn't have followed my gut and trusted someone who wasn't able to lend her trust quite yet. I remember initially she had even told me that she wants to take it slow because she doesn't want to ruin things with me... and now who knows. I took a leap of faith with her and at least I am on her radar... we just had such great times together. I just don't know if she will want to try again with me or look at me as, "too much too soon. We got off on the wrong foot maybe I should try with someone else."

 

Just not sure, but again not contacting her. Just going to let her sort through her emotions until she feels like she's ready to hang out with me again.

[lostandhurt]

Stay busy and stop checking her social media pages!!! That stuff will drive you crazy for sure.

 

You have a life so stop dwelling on what ifs. Do not contact her and if she contacts you be aloof but not a jerk. A few texts back and forth but no marathon texts and you need to be the one to cut them short. "hey it was great hearing from you but I have some stuff to take care of, ttyl" Always make sure you cut them short and end them yourself. Also no more expressions of your feelings or undying love or whatever. That stuff just lets her know she can have you anytime she wants so she will keep you firmly planted on the back burner.

 

Good luck and stay busy

 

Lost

[Aeropro]

I'm just worried I'll scare her off. Like... today there has been no contact. The logical side of me knows that is okay... she has things to sort out and I'm not a priority in her life at the moment. The emotional side of me is thinking, "Well... she initiated the last three times. If I don't... she'll think I've lost interest and I'm done". But of course that's not the case because if she truly cares about me she won't let me drift away.

 

Man it sucks being a human sometimes.

[Aeropro]

Annnd a text from her with a picture of her cat playing with the toy I bought him for his birthday. What gives... how could she not be interested in me? I hate this, haha.