"Your life is over when you have children".

[tattoobunnie]

My feet have not had a pedicure in more than a year, and my hair (geez), forget about it. And you want a full day to do whatever you want? Geez. I don't know about you, but if my hubby was requesting this, I'd cry. Between working 50 to 60 hours, all the housework, and taking care of the kid, I barely have time to shower.

 

I know you want to think it's not big deal, but I hate to break it to you, being a parent is really hard and taxing, even when your kid is the light of your life.

 

When the kid gets older, and are at least able to use the potty, put on their own clothes, or feed themselves, it gets easier, but until then, you really do need to make sacrifices. It's also hard, when you don't see them all week, and weekends are all you have for quality time, and getting things done around the house.

 

But but but, I think it's important to maybe phrase it differently. "I'd love it if you would join us." Is the place cool to have your son there? Is there an adequate changing area for him? Places to sit. Can she play with you like a tambourine, and bring your son? It's only about how you involve your partner.

 

Life is not the same when you have a kid! As much as you want to feel like it can be, it's not. And it's not about you anymore!

[jimthzz]

Don't get suckered into not having a life besides the baby.

 

That said, are the practice sessions held at your house? If so, that may be too loud for the kid.

 

If you're reasonable about your time spent with your GF and kid, there is plenty of time for your other interests.

[tattoobunnie]

I wish she would just leave me and if I would've known then what I know now

 

Sorry - didn't read through. Wow - what you wrote was so hurtful. I would have been crushed if you wrote that about me. I would be devastated. Yeah, you're kind of a giant jerk right there. Even if you meant it differently. I would be so hurt, and upset. And to top it off, you told your bandmates! Not communicated with her about how you're feeling. I would be so betrayed.

 

I think it really comes down to, you gotta get your stuff together, because, guess what, you probably don't spend enough time together, you get 8 days out of the month, but 1 out of 8, you prefer your bandmates, while she is home alone watching the kid. If you love your family, I would go and grovel.

 

Insisting on being right all the time with a I can do whatever I want attitude does not make you a winner.

 

Even though you may have been venting, what you just texted is saying you regret being with your family.

[tattoobunnie]

I told her that it was no biggie and I really didn't care, but the truth is I am bothered by quitting. I'm afraid to even voice my concerns because her first reaction is anger, so I just stuff it down and forget it.

 

You do realize you are the problem here. Communication is key to any healthy relationship. Even if she gets angry, you need to talk to her. Maybe try writing a letter. But you can't just blame her and the baby - talk to her. But first, apologize, apologize, apologize how stupid you were for that text.

[InvisibleWound]

I do not have kids but me and my boyfriend have been together 8 years. We do our own thing from time to time. For instance this Saturday gone by I went to my parents to help them plant the seeds in the trays for the garden. He got off work at 7am slept until 12pm and had to work from 1pm-5pm for some clean up then he went to his dads. I ended up home earlier then expected and he walked in with his sister and invited me to go and I said no, that I had a headache. Okay I didn't have a headache but just wanted some brief alone time.

 

For boyfriend has guns and goes hunting, he has missed some seasons but did go when he could. He will be taking up Archery next. My hobby is working at home, video games and music. Working at home is a hobby because when work dries up I spend time looking for more.

 

I think even if kids were involved we still would make a date night even if at home or do our own thing sometimes. I feel a person would go shack whacky if they couldn't do something outside the home. Couples should have at least 1 separate hobby in my opinion. Ask for her she really needs to calm down, you were not doing anything wrong by spending some time in your band. Considering it was cut down to playing once a month or so... I think shes being selfish myself and maybe is going through some depression like someone else mentioned.

 

I know you don't want to lose your son but she is having full reign here and will keep that attitude up if you let her I think. Surely to god she will be *okay* with you having a hobby once a week or more? I don't think I could be able to handle that. Unfair for no reason... I hope you two can talk through this and find a solution.

[InvisibleWound]

oops I should read this whole thread before posting lol. Anyways um.... Holy what is her problem? Seriously... This reminds me of my neighbor I was in the first room attempting to get back into painting and I had the window open letting a breeze in and I heard my neighbors ex yelling "WHERE IS MY SON? WHERE IS MY SON?" He had his new gf had taken the kids out to a thing at work. He was my supervisor at work one of them. Anyways someone actually called the cops on her from in the apartment building because of the ruckus she made and no one is even home at his place. According to him she was there 2 days early to get her kid after finding out her ex had a new gf.

 

Stuff like this just drops my jaw. When people break up its kind of common sense that eventually their going to move on don't drag the kids into it and then say crap like "You can't see your son now" blah blah. I think your right on the child as leverage and I have seen it with other couples its pretty stupid.

 

She seems like shes trying to trap you now. I mean really can you call this a relationship at this point?

[tattoobunnie]

If you want a whole day for yourself, make arrangements for your wife, so you have a baby sitter so she can relax. You work opposite schedules, barely have little time together, and texting behind her back how you regret being with her.

 

The fact that you think doing whatever with such a young child, if you separate, say goodbye to any free time you could of had.

 

You're a dad with a family that should come first. Parenthood doesn't work where you get to do what you want all day.

 

Speaking as a working mom and wife, talk to your partner! Share how you feel. And keep in mind, these sacrifices you make are necessary, but lighten a bit in the next few years, but not when they are actual babies!

 

They don't stay little forever. And either would your girlfriend, considering you rather go hang with your friends than spending regular quality family time together.

[Iggles]

That is so awful!

 

It's really bad OP's girlfriend is using threats of moving out with the son to control him. Maybe he should speak with a lawyer to assess his rights for custody if they do split. Since he takes care of the little one during the day, he could be considered the primary caregiver and may have a good shot of 50/50 joint physical custody.

[Snny]

Tattoobunnie,

 

Normally I would agree with it being a communication issue, but most controlling people do not want to talk. The Op has already tried talking to her, but she is behaving unreasonably. She wants to pick and choose his friends- by eliminating them. Even if you choose to have children it doesn't mean getting rid of your friends.

 

She is in the wrong here. She is making demand and threats. It is at a point where counseling or an attorney needs to settle the disputes in their relationship now that there is a child in the picture.

[tattoobunnie]

I told her that it was no biggie and I really didn't care

 

I think there's more going on here than his need to relive his teen-hood days. Some people incessantly need to play victim. Instead of working on his communication issues, they make their partner out to be villians who are putting them in jail. They never once stop to consider to check in to see if they're partner is overwhelmed with taking care of the baby and working. And vice versa. I guarantee she's upset with his choices is because they spend very little time together, and things aren't getting done. He never tells her how she's feeling, and he's bottled it all up, until it's about to explode.

 

Instead of doing the hard work it takes to make the relationship work, he will carry the exact same issues over to the next relationship, and the next, and the next! He needs to open up his mouth and talk about what's he's got pent up. And he also needs to wake up, try on some gratitude for a change, and do things that are best for the child.

 

Anyone who thinks life can be the same after having a kid are people who DON'T HAVE KIDS. I know this, because I use to be one of those people!

 

And the BIGGEST reason is why she keeps saying, I'm gonna leave with the kid, is that fact that she wants to know what's up, what's going on with the relationship? Are they gonna get married? If she didn't get pregnant, would he still have chosen her? I guarantee her dumb comments are knee jerk statements she's making because she's afraid, and sad that the relationship hasn't progressed. Sure you have a kid, and a mortage, but there's not actual committment to her. The OP can just take it all away, and she's got nothing. That's scary for her. And that text message he wrote about her to his bandmate. HIS BANDMATE! Only is the giant nail is the coffin as to why she should hate them - I guarantee it makes her think that when he goes to band practice that he talks behind her back the whole time.

 

The both should tryyyyyyyyy counseling. They obviously got a lot to get off their chest.

[Snny]

You are cherry-picking and twisting the OP’s words here. Let's look at it in full context:

 

Is it unreasonable for me to want to continue the only hobby I had that involved me not being home? I told her that it was no biggie and I really didn't care, but the truth is I am bothered by quitting.

 

She suddenly hated the band and my bandmates. We practiced Sundays for four hours and played out once or twice a month. Then, at some point before she had our son, we scaled it back to every other Sunday for four hours and maybe one gig a month. It was the only hobby I had.

Your first post in this thread mentioned about him wanting a full day without her. Here he says he wants a few hours to himself.

 

Has he not bent over backwards to make this chick happy? I'm curious as to what she is sacrificing or cutting back in this relationship. This is the only hobby he partakes in. She knew this from the getgo before getting together. She is trying to change him rather than accepting that his band is apart of his livelihood. You should never walk into a relationship expecting to change someone- you respect them for who they are.

 

Now, I don't do anything besides work. I don't even bother making plans with friends because that as well causes a fight. I tell her that she is able to do as she pleases and I really don't mind if I'm alone for a Saturday night with the little man.

Here he is making compromises by giving the girlfriend time for herself as he watches the kid. You mentioned somewhere in one of your posts that it's unfair for the guy to go off and do whatever with mommy being stuck with the kid, and that he should grow up. This is not the case here.

 

I try to talk to her about things, but she either gets angry, or just says "I don't want to talk to you".

You mention that he needs to work on communication skills and try to talk to her even if she is angry. Unfortunately you cannot make someone talk to you if they are unwilling to listen. Based on the OP’s descriptions, she is throwing her weight around to get what she wants. She has anger and control issues.

 

I agree with counseling, but they BOTH have to agree to it for it to happen and work. Unfortunately I do not see it happening if she is resorting to threats like “taking the kid.”

[tattoobunnie]

Lots of people say they are trying to talk to someone, and can wind up not saying anything.

 

All I read is a very one sided version when he's a saint, and his girlfriend is an evil meanie. I guarantee there's a lot more going on.

 

His issues are normal issues all parents have to work out. I can tell he doesn't have many or any friends with kids. Cuz if he did, they would telling him to "grow up." People who don't have kids don't get the sense of overwhelming responsibility that is now on a parents shoulders. It's hard, and I doubt this is about having a few hours to himself.

 

If he needs to text others his regrets, and not his girlfriend, the mother of his child, it could be he regrets having a family with her.

 

Think of it this way, he is thinking of life without her, as a single dad. Say goodbye to any free time he would of ever had.

[Batya33]

"People who don't have kids don't get the sense of overwhelming responsibility that is now on a parents shoulders."

 

I don't agree. It depends on the individual - some people don't have children but their career or profession is the same amount of responsibility, or they take care of an elderly parent who lives with them, etc. Some people are able to empathize and even if they have not walked in your shoes they get it -or do their very best to walk in your shoes- those are called "close friends" (not all close friends get it but I've seen friends without children get it far more than certain friends who have kids). I've found that the view of "unless you have kids you don't get it" results in sabotaging good friendships and needlessly isolating oneself ("I won't even try to explain because they just won't get it").

 

 

And then there are parents who don't get it because they have live in help or the grandparents/family are on call so they don't have to pick and choose "sorry I can't meet you for a quick coffee because Snowflake woke up with the sniffles and missed the bus" because "yes I can meet you - my mother will be over soon to watch Snowflake".

 

Obviously the buck stops with the parents, I get that, as a parent, but it means that the sacrifices are fewer, the juggling less stressful if you choose to have reliable paid help or have family on call. People can deal with the level of responsibility differently and still be good parents. But those parents likely won't see it as overwhelming in the same way.

 

So, sure, take advice with a grain of salt and if the friends do not have children and say things an hour in advance like "just call a sitter and come out for a drink!" or "Too tired?? Just sleep when the baby sleeps!" then you know they don't get it. Harder to do individually but worth it in the end to maintain good friendships.

 

To the OP -I know of at least one guy who voluntarily (or mostly) gave up his band when they had kids because of the time needed to practice/perform and more commuting time because they had to move. People who have children often have to radically change their lifestyles-especially if you have a child in your 20s I would add - but she shouldn't escalate it to the ultimatum she is.

[chitown9]

I would like to hear from the OP? chi

[tattoobunnie]

Okay, let me rephrase a bit. Taking care of plants, or of pets, working a challenging job, being a caregiver, being in a band, being a loving partner, all has it craziness, but being a new parent of a baby, it's life changing, whether they are your own flesh and blood or not.

 

You can choose to not water plants, to not get a pet (to not send them for training lessons), to have them sleep on the floor, change jobs, get promoted or fired, or have insurance cover for a part time nurse, but a baby has you locked down for 18 to life even legally until you give it up for adoption.

 

Between working full time, and being a pregnant mom with a cray cray toddler, I have zero hobbies at the moment. Because my kid needs me. My family needs me. I want to be with them. And I get my kids will be self sufficient soon enough to go do their own thing. And I get back to a bit of my thing.

 

Don't get me wrong, I have tons of interests with hobbies and love and have traveled. I was that party girl with an entourage. In fact my hubby and I are foregoing a trip to Italy this Fall where our villa was already covered. Why? Because of our kid.

 

You can take time off work, hire a visiting nurse for a week, but I love how Vicks put it:

 

 

I've grown up with bands, been in bands, have friends who are in bands now, and there's practice, and getting together to have a jam session. All involve getting a lot of flack for not sticking around for social hour afterwards, which I have never heard of, or known to be just an hour.

 

I am so grateful that my husband is as hands-on and active as I am as a parent. I have no idea how I could do any of this without him or family. And gosh, if we weren't married, I (and I emphasize "I") would really question if he was there for me, or if it was just for the kid, and I'd probably act and say dumb things like his girlfriend has been doing.

 

And I hands down do not think I'm better than anyone else in this world because I'm a mom. But I do know what being a parent is like, because I am one. I'm not saying that his girlfriend is right - It's not about who's right or who's wrong. There's just things they really need to sit down and talk about. Hire a babysitter, and go on a date, just them, and talk. Talk about goals, life goals, life dreams. If you want to know why the girlfriend is nasty about time, I get the sense it's probably been since the kid was born that they've gone on a date. And probably prior to the tail-end of her pregnancy.

 

Are you two regularly having sex? Don't need to be so TMI'ey, but that also plays a huge part in things.

 

And it could be she's lashing out at the OP because she's feeling insecure about the relationship, about being a parent.

[faraday]

I agree. I didn't know how involving parenthood was until I had a child. It's great to say, "he had this hobby first" or whatever, but life changes the instant you have a child....and stays in chaos for a few years. I didn't get my hobbies back until my daughter was 4 I don't believe in sacrificing yourself for your children...becoming one of those parents that only lives for their child...but when they're small, they're all consuming.

 

My bf and I talk about when we have kids. I have a 6 year old...and I know how hard it is...and my bf came in when my daughter was 5...so he doesn't really get it...he thinks he'll have his life still...that he'll go rock climbing 4 times a week still and play ultimate once a week....I told him that's fine...as long as we still get a weekly date night alone...and he does his hobbies after baby bedtime. I joke all the time that you're life is over (for a few years) after you have a baby...and he doesn't believe me...but...man...it's tough. It really does take everything you've got.

 

I don't think the OP should have to necessarily give up his band time...but I think he's going to have to stop sending back stabbing texts to his bandmates about his gf...and act like he's her partner...like he's on her team. I can't imagine if my partner was texting someone things like that...I would want to leave too. She probably feels trapped and regrets her life choices as well. Date nights will probably go far in helping him gain a bit of freedom.

 

It's time to grow up. Your life is over. For a couple of years anyway.

[Batya33]

I agree that taking care of a new baby is unique in several ways -I did it 6 years ago and without outside help or family help and there were people who had kids and people who didn't have kids who just didn't get it because not all newborns are the same, not everyone has the same amount of help -or not- etc. . I'd suggest talking to someone who has to provide 24/7 to a parent with alzheimers or a similar mental illness on your own (no not everyone can hire a nurse or wants to because of the severity of behaviors/symptoms -you can hire a baby nurse for a baby, too and I didn't want to). For example. My previous career prepared me well because I could not just walk away and I did suffer sleep deprivation and have unpredictable hours and couldn't eat a meal or use the bathroom in peace on a regular basis - I wasn't one of those new moms who secretly wished to be back in an office because it was "easier".

 

I just think especially for a new parent any limitation on where you will ask for help/support or having the biased view that "only a parent will understand" could limit resources (or raise expectations "because she is a parent and should understand") and is not an attitude I support for that reason. People need not have exactly the same experience to be able to relate. That's what's so cool about humans!

 

 

 

In the OP's case it might very well be that his friends don't get it if they do not have children or a similarly 24/7 responsibility for another human being. It sounds like they do not. When we had a baby we knew we'd have to give up most of our evening social life, my going to my husband's out of town business events, etc. I didn't look at it as a sacrifice because of all I got in return but I might have in my 20s.

 

OP - you can look at is as your life is over because you have to curtail or give up certain activities for a few years or you can work on finding within yourself a different perspective on this new chapter/adventure/blessing in your life. I know the prevailing view is a lot of moaning and complaining about life being "over" but it need not be that way. Maybe that might help the way you interact with your girlfriend.