Married man supposedly separated, but living with his wife. Hang in or run?

[abitabove]

So a guy friended me on Facebook. His site looks like he is completely single. He meets out and tells me he is separated, but still living with his wife. We have been dating for about two months now. We go out all of the time with my friends and his friends. Having the best time! The wife supposedly cheated on him twice and they tried to reconcile for a second time last summer, but it just did not work out again as he found her having sex with another man. Everyone seems to feel they are separated, but living together for the daughter. He is an attorney and they have a really large house and lots of assets and a daughter who is 16 years old and two older sons. He wants to stay in the house and wait for his daughter to go to college when he feels they could then sell it in 2 years. He rather stay in the house than exit and have to purchase another home and pay her $14,000 a month in alimony as she never worked and they were married 25 years.

 

His wife contacted me on facebook saying that he and I would never last and that she was sure he was giving me money. I didn't respond. I have a great job and he does not give me money. She then showed up on a date last week. I left and she supposedly visited two divorce attorneys last week. She wants to work out their marriage, but he is done and says if she files he will move out.

 

I am seeing other men as well until his situation resolves.

 

What should I do? Hang in there a few more months and see if she ends up filing for divorce which would force the situation? Or should I exit the situation? But, I really like him a lot and we have already talked about a future together.

[mhowe]

Exit stage left. Tell him to call you when he is divorced AND no longer living with wife.

[Misskitty16]

I could not date someone who was still living with their wife. It would just be more than I could handle. But I can certainly see 14K a month as a motivator for him to stay in the house.

[PaintWithLight]

Seriously? The wife has sent you messages and shown up on one of your dates? This guy is far from single and far from having the ability to date other women. You do not need this drama or accusations from the wife. Pursue your other options and give this one a miss.

[relevart]

Most of the advice given here is to not date separated people. Seperated = married, they say. And I agree. In this case, they're still living together, so they're not even legally seperated. Never mind what he says; look at what he does. If he was really "done" with the marriage, he'd move out. And he's in no position to talk about a "future" together with you when he's still married and living with his family. Me thinks you're being played.

[Misskitty16]

Most of the advice given here is to not date separated people. Seperated = married, they say. And I agree. In this case, they're still living together, so they're not even legally seperated. Never mind what he says; look at what he does. If he was really "done" with the marriage, he'd move out. And he's in no position to talk about a "future" together with you when he's still married and living with his family. Me thinks you're being played.

 

Yup; and since the daughter is only 16, he will be with her for two more years at least, when the daughter goes to college.

[DancingFool]

Soooo.....he is not divorced, his wife contacts you, tells you off and shows up on your date with him.....and you wonder if you should run? Sweetie what more do you need to understand that this man is a perpetual cheater using the oldest lines in the book to hook you? Would a flashing neon sign help?

*flashing neon sign* HE IS A CHEATING SCUM*flash flash flash*

 

His wife has probably e-mailed and showed up on who knows how many of his "dates" and affairs and for whatever reason she is not leaving him. They live in their own drama world and have probably been doing this since even before they got married. You are the side chic and she is probably even correct in the fact that you won't last. As in she knows that he will move on as soon as you start acting like a wife and stop being "fun" or the wife gives him enough heck about it or whatever their deal is. In short, this is not the first time he has pulled this and won't be the last.

 

You should be running away screaming.

[mhowe]

And getting tested for STD's.

[abitabove]

Most of the advice given here is to not date separated people. Seperated = married, they say. And I agree. In this case, they're still living together, so they're not even legally seperated. Never mind what he says; look at what he does. If he was really "done" with the marriage, he'd move out. And he's in no position to talk about a "future" together with you when he's still married and living with his family. Me thinks you're being played.

 

My instincts say the same, but we sure do have a lot of fun and he treats me really well. I have also thought about just slowing the relationship down and forcing myself to go out with the other men I am seeing more often. Maybe just keep the married guy on the back burner. Is that too crazy??? lol

[WithLove]

You're just going to involve yourself in really awful drama. You've already been subject to some of it. I'd bow out and stay NC unless/until he moves out and begins the divorce process. If he's an attorney that worries over paying his wife $14k (!) a month in alimony, then he makes enough to live modestly for awhile.

[LoveSoDeep]

RUN!

 

This happened to my best friend....guy said they were only staying together for the kids and he also made tons of money so the child support and alimony was a factor as well. It doesn't sound to me like he and the wife were on the same page about their separation if she was contacting you and jealously showing up on your dates and causing drama.

 

He hasn't left her yet and says he won't for 2 years.....do you want to wait 2 years and then some? He's not going to leave her anytime soon. I'd run.

[HeartGoesOn]

Another way to look at it is, take the word "separated" out of the equation, which leaves you with a married man who is living with his wife. On a lighter note, I'll take a bet that he's telling you they're sleeping in different rooms.

[boltnrun]

My friend was involved with a married man who was living with his wife. He told my friend he "couldn't" leave yet because the kids were too young. Then it was because the kids were involved in activities and it would be "too hard" on them if he left. Then he said he couldn't leave his wife because it would "devastate" her.

 

This went on for over 5 years. My friend even left her husband (yes, she's married too), I guess hoping to force her AP's hand? Well, it didn't work.

 

Then one day, surprise! He left his wife! Happy day! Except...when he finally did leave his wife he ditched my friend and started dating someone else. Now he's in a "happy relationship" with the new woman. My friend had to go back to her husband with her tail between her legs. She's embarrassed and feels foolish for having waited for this guy for 6 years.

 

Unless you want drama and heartbreak...I'd recommend you date single men.

[mhowe]

His cheating wife showed up. Hmmmm....makes you wonder who the cheater really is in their relationship. He's a lawyer...and doesn't want to pay alimony and child support due to HIS cheating ways.

[relevart]

Unless you want drama and heartbreak...I'd recommend you date single men.

This is the best and most direct advice given so far. Can't argue with the logic. Married folks have a long history of lying and stringing their side lovers along.

[itsallgrand]

Another way to look at it is, take the word "separated" out of the equation, which leaves you with a married man who is living with his wife. On a lighter note, I'll take a bet that he's telling you they're sleeping in different rooms.

 

Exactly. You have been 'dating' a married man.

 

I don't see the point of putting a married person on a backburner. They are totally off the stove. Unavailable.

 

It really is that simple.

[SoulTaker]

Exit, stage left. You are way over your head in this one. He said that his wife has cheated on him, but what do you think he's doing with you? You want to give it a few months, but he's told you that he has to stay in their house for at least two more years with a woman who doesn't have a job. The numbers don't add up, and you know it.

 

Because they're not legally separated, the wife can now blame you for the breakup, and involve you in the divorce actions (to cancel out what she's done, if he told you the truth). How did she know where the two of you were meeting (probably is having him followed)? You need to run away from this one.

[chitown9]

Regardless of what is really going on with this guy and his wife, it sounds like the wife is absolutely crazy, and crazy people do crazy things. She might even do something as crazy as to harm you. She has been getting increasingly more aggressive. Don't play with fire. Get out of this.

....chi

[wilyone 11]

I'm embarrassed to say that I was in a similar situation for several months, except my married man spent weekdays living in his own house 2 hours from family, and weekends with the family so he could be with his kids. He's been doing this for years and claims he is "separated." Married men are absolutely notorious for wanting to have their cake and eat it too. They use the affair as a way to endure their loveless marriage. As long as you are available to him on the side to make him feel better, he will never leave his marriage and incur the embarrassment and financial ruin. It is well known that married men rarely if ever leave their wives for their mistresses. That is not just an old wives tale, the statistics bear it out. The more fun he has with you, the more he enjoys your company, the easier it makes it for him to endure his marriage.

 

As long as you're on the sideline, his wife will be first string on the playing field. Your only hope of landing this guy is ironically to completely walk away and go no contact.

[mhowe]

You might want to rethink a strategy that includes "landing" this loser.

[Ms Darcy]

He's living with his wife AND she wants to work on the marriage. That's NOT anywhere near separation. That's a married couple fighting while the guy is cheating.

 

Be smart and stop immediately.