I'm 20 he's 47

[emilyrose12373]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. I am 20 and he is 47. It did start as an affair, he has two grown up children and left his ex-wife for me. As bad as this sounds the affair was nothing more than some innocent meets for coffee etc until he left the marital home, I understand this was still wrong. Anyway we are looking into buying our first place together, he would love to marry at some point in the future but is sketchy about kids again, he said if its something I want then we can but I want him to want them too. Any advice on how to approach this with him?

I honestly believe he is my soul mate and I could not imagine my life without him. Age does not matter to us.

[Seraphim]

Very few people by the time they're 50 want to raise more babies. They don't want to be in the old folks home when their kid graduates from high school.

[Jewels7]

Yeah you really have to think of it this way. Say you waited 10 years to have kids. That would make him 77 by the time they are 20. I wouldn't want kids that late either. You need to really be careful about this though. If he did it to his wife he could do it to you eventually. Plus you are so young and have your whole life ahead of you.

[Seraphim]

Something that you really have to put thought into is this ;kids require vast amounts of energy to raise and then there's the question of money. How many years in earning potential does your boyfriend have left?? Really at this stage he's thinking about retirement. I am 48 and we are counting down our years now to 60 for retirement. So think about the earning potential that your boyfriend has left for raising children. They say one child costs about 300,000 to raise once you put them through college or university. So do you both have that much earning potential over the next 20 years for just ONE child? Another thing to consider since your boyfriend is older you could have a child with disabilities. A child with disabilities costs more. And then your retirement will not even be possible.

 

I know these are not even things a 20-year-old even contemplates but if you want to be with somebody who's middle-aged you're going to have to.

[Batya33]

If you two were going to have children within the next 5 years I could see that but think about how you feel about being a single mother and/or the sole provider much earlier because of the age gap. Also the risk of birth defects goes up when the man is over 40 so check into that as well. I know many people who do not retire at age 60 (we don't plan to) so talk to him about that. If he is not 100% enthusiastic about having more children I would not go down this path. Also consider whether you want to have children with a man who cheated on his wife -especially when he had children with her. What basis do you have for believing his values have changed so he would not repeat that behavior (values -not "because he loves me").

[Seraphim]

And if you don't have children of your own yet you don't understand the amount of energy it requires to raise them. You will be asking somebody who is now slowing down in energy to raise more children and what should be their restful years. You will be asking somebody who has built up their retirement to spend it on more children, so effectively they will have no retirement at all. When it's time for him to hit the old folks home he won't even have two shekels to support himself.

[Batya33]

My husband and I are 48 and we have plenty of energy for our very active/energetic 6 year old - I cannot say if that would decrease in 5 years but based on our health/lifestyle I would doubt it. In 10 years or more with a young child, yes, maybe. Very individual.

[Seraphim]

If you two were going to have children within the next 5 years I could see that but think about how you feel about being a single mother and/or the sole provider much earlier because of the age gap. Also the risk of birth defects goes up when the man is over 40 so check into that as well. I know many people who do not retire at age 60 (we don't plan to) so talk to him about that. If he is not 100% enthusiastic about having more children I would not go down this path. Also consider whether you want to have children with a man who cheated on his wife -especially when he had children with her. What basis do you have for believing his values have changed so he would not repeat that behavior (values -not "because he loves me").

My husband's career has mandatory retirement at 60. But he will work after that, just not at the same thing.

[Batya33]

My husband's career has mandatory retirement at 60. But he will work after that, just not at the same thing.

 

Cool! I know very few people who retire at 60 but I know of certain jobs where it is mandatory or nearly so.

[Seraphim]

My husband and I are 48 and we have plenty of energy for our very active/energetic 6 year old - I cannot say if that would decrease in 5 years but based on our health/lifestyle I would doubt it. In 10 years or more with a young child, yes, maybe. Very individual.

 

That's very individual though and this guy has already raised a family to adulthood. I have to say raising a child to almost 18 myself now you get pretty tired. We also most likely won't retire as our son has mild autism and may need continued support his entire life.

[Batya33]

Yes, OP I completely agree that his energy after raising a family (while having an affair) might not be enough to embark on a new marriage and a new family.

[1a1a]

In the same way that the op should consider that her partner is too old to raise another child. Perhaps her partner too should consider he is too old to give her what she wants in life. Maybe you two are actually incompatible. This is a pretty valid and irreconcilable difference, more than enough grounds to break up.

[1a1a]

Double post

[HeartGoesOn]

I would consider not only the age difference, but the fact that he left his ex wife for you. This alone, could possibly be a strong indicator of what lies ahead. Having said that, I would give this more thought.

[chickadeedee]

He may really really love you, or he may have a thing for very young girls, and as soon as you are not so young and those tender hips stretched out by a couple kids, he may go looking for his teenager again.

 

47 is still vital and can be quite attractive. 57 notsomuch, and 67 definitely is grandpa territory in terms of looks, vitality, and health issues. You will be peaking and he will be declining.

 

I think age gaps of 10 years are really not a concern at all. 15 years is a stretch but can be OK. You're looking at 30 years which is a serious stretch/gap. So you need to think long and hard before yoking yourself to him with children, or you'll be taking care of children at the same time you are dealing with all the health issues in your husband as he declines with age (i.e., you can get into the 'double diaper' scenario, where you have babies in diapers, while your husband is also in diapers too because he is infirm and incontinent due to health issues). It can be exhausting trying to caretake both children and your spouse at the same time.

[Saures]

I would be extremely sensitive with this.

 

I am the youngest child, my Father is coming up to 65 and I can't lie that it doesn't cross my mind that maybe he won't be there for him to give me away at my wedding, or hold my first child in his arms. If he wasn't there through any of the big things in my life, it would destroy me.

 

I suppose... you have to look at it from all kinds of angles.

 

When you're finally ready, in 5 or 10 or even 15 years, will he be okay with having children? (And honestly, will be physically able to?)

 

What about the kid? Dad might not be well enough to play football, or even just put the kid on his shoulders.

 

You just have to think, you're only 20! I know people are having kids a lot younger, but what if you're just not ready in 5 or 10 years?

 

And also, the fact he is a fully grown man, who has was unloyal to his wife of however many years, who he raised children with. That's a huge factor to take into account. What happens when you grow up a bit, and there's another 20 year old who walks his way, and you've got a child with him?

 

Just think of the bigger picture, it's not just about yourself and him wanting kids, there would be a kid involved.

 

I know I've been quite morbid, but being the youngest child of parents who were quite old when they had me, I would just suggest thinking about what could and could not happen.

[shessofly]

hi op...i know you didn't ask for this, but considering your age you will most likely feel differently about this scenario some years from now. hopefully there's no rush to get "tangled up" for the long term with him. please take your time and think about this, because with this large of a gap, age will eventually matter. Perhaps not in your mind/heart...but physically there is no getting away from the differences that are very likely to arise in the coming years.

 

to answer your original question, it sounds like he would do this to keep you, but isn't really interested in starting over. i would be very cautious about having a kid with someone who is basically giving in just to keep you.

[agent1607307371]

the affair was nothing more than some innocent meets for coffee etc until he left the marital home,

 

Ok, no it wasn't. You need to stop lying about that. He was married, you were meeting. That's not innocent.

 

but is sketchy about kids again, he said if its something I want then we can but I want him to want them too.

 

Tbh, he's giving you as much as he can here. if you want them, he will. You can't make someone want something. You can't make someone want something as much as you do.

He's had kids, he's raised kids. He left his family for a twenty year old. Old men don't leave for younger women to start being domestic again. They leave because they want to be young. And children are not how you do that. He's been through all this, it's just not going to be as exciting the second time.

[AnalyzeThis]

He probably will become a grandfather in the next ten years or so. He will feel obligated to help his own kids and grandkids. You just don't know. I have seen dads feel guilty about leaving their kids' mother, and they try to make up for it financially when the kids are older. I have a friend who is married to a grandfather. It is not a good situation for her financially. She works and contributes to the house. The house is in his name. His grown kids sometimes are unemployed and need money and a place to live.

 

I would run from this man who is old enough to be your father. He is not your father. He is not obligated to take your best interest to heart. He could be in the throws of a mid life crisis, realizing he is getting older. You make him feel young. Be careful.

[lostandhurt]

Age doesn't matter to him because he was dating a 17 year old when he was 45 and married. It should matter to you though.

 

He does not want more kids. He will simply continue to be vague about it until it is too late and then you will have put in say 5 more years with him and he will hope you will stay even though you really wanted children.

 

You were still a child when he pulled you in so perhaps you should find out who you are as a young adult before you go much farther with this guy. Marriage and children are a big step for a guy that dumped his wife and kids for you. Spend some more time to make sure you won't be the next victim.

 

Lost

[Andrina]

Excerpt on an age gap article: While there’s “no perfect age gap, an age gap is more beneficial to men than women,” says Wendy Walsh, who runs a relationship site called link removed.

 

Actually, for women, no age gap is better than even a small one, says Walsh. Big age gaps take years off a woman’s life, according to research. “The best choice for a woman is to marry a man of exactly the same age; an older husband shortens her life, and a younger one even more so.”

 

Odd couples abound, but you can bet you’ll eventually being playing nursemaid, says Debra MacLeod. Age differences always catch up and a 60-year-old woman will likely lose interest in playing nursemaid to an 80-year-old spouse.

 

“Seven to nine years in either direction is doable without any big issues, but once you start getting to 15 or 20 years age difference, it’s naïve to think that problems aren’t going to arise,” says the relationship expert at link removed.

 

“For every one couple that makes it work, there are many more who don’t,” she says, adding that these pairings come with problems. “We often see a parent-child dynamic occur.”

 

Call it what it is, says therapist, sex educator and author of Love Between Equals, Dr. Pepper Schwartz. When it comes to May-December relationships, “the men are captivated by the woman’s beauty and energy, and the women are captivated by the men’s achievement, fame or power or more mature personality then they encounter with same-age mates.”

 

Age is not only a number, stresses Schwartz. “Age is having grown up in a certain culture, having certain shared experiences and also having certain kinds of bodies. While some lucky people escape the ravages of age effects, it is a very rare individual who is 60 who has the body of a 30 year old.”

 

Once the sex hormones die down, people far apart in age can lose their emotional connection, says relationship expert Walsh. Additionally, in a May-December marriage, Miss May may soon tire of Mr. December not pulling his weight.

 

As aging takes its toll, “the original bargain may not be so sweet,” agrees Schwartz.

[abitbroken]

The bolded part is the main point here. If he had never been married, or was divorced for quite some time, I wouldn't say anything negative if he wanted to be a father. But he doesn't.

[Ronniesgirl]

'..I honestly believe he is my soul mate and I could not imagine my life without him. Age does not matter to us.'

 

Oh baby girl. This is such a baby girl thing to say. He's your soulmate...now. You can't imagine your life without him..now. What about 5 years from now? 10 years? 15 years? How do you know that 35 y old you will still want 62 y old him? How do you know that the person you'll have become by then will still want to be with someone who's 27 years older? Age doesn't matter to you now because you're a little kid and you don't yet know much (anything?) about life. Age doesn't matter to him because he can't believe his UBER SUPER lucky stars that a little thing like you for some incredible reason wants to be with an old(ish) goat like him. Age WILL matter to both of you in 10 years time..if you are still together in 10 years time which is highly highly unlikely.

 

My advise to you - and this is based on my experience of briefly dating someone who was 44 when I was 21 - is to treat this as a very short term thing. You WILL grow out of this big big 'luuuuuuve', and very soon. I would strongly advise you against buying houses/having babies/making any kind of permanent commitment to this man because as little as a few years from now you will grow into a different person and that person won't want what you think you want now.

 

I won't even go into reasons why a 47 y old bloke would be wanting a r-ship with a 20 y old girl. My partner is 47... to him, a 20 y old is a tiny little baby..he'd be bored talking to a 20 y old in about 10 mins flat, no matter how mature or clever or anything else. Oh he'd be happy to have a quick fling with a 20 y old - if he was single, obviously! - but that would be it. What one's lived through by the time they get to 47..omg, you haven't got the first idea..you're not anywhere near the planet that he lives on.

 

Sorry.. had to share my thoughts on this. If you're mature enough to date a 47 y old, you're mature enough to not get mad at this.

[Sportster2005]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. I am 20 and he is 47. It did start as an affair, he has two grown up children and left his ex-wife for me. As bad as this sounds the affair was nothing more than some innocent meets for coffee etc until he left the marital home, I understand this was still wrong. Anyway we are looking into buying our first place together, he would love to marry at some point in the future but is sketchy about kids again, he said if its something I want then we can but I want him to want them too. Any advice on how to approach this with him?

I honestly believe he is my soul mate and I could not imagine my life without him. Age does not matter to us.

 

When you marry an adulterer you're just a place holder.