Post Sex Anxiety

[haliescharlie]

I am 21 and, as the title suggests, I have post sex anxiety. Specifically, I have an irrational fear of accidental pregnancy after sex. Sorry, this will be long, but what I'm asking is bolded down below.

 

Background

 

I’m sure I’ve developed it after years of my parents instilling fear of early pregnancy. Near the end of last year, I finally knew why they pushed the concept so hard on me. It was because an accidental pregnancy happened to my father when he was a couple years younger than me. He let this secret slip after I had stayed over my past boyfriend’s house overnight. Upon my return, I came to him in a fit of rage and the unveiling I had a sister I’ve never known about. This scared me to death, as I had been intimate with my boyfriend for the first time; I got an emergency contraceptive even though we were safe using multiple forms of protection.

 

I've been through formal sex-ed training in middle and high school. Plus, I am almost finished in a biomedical science degree with honors. I know the biology of how females get pregnant, meiosis, and have talked to my general practitioner before about the pill, among other contraceptives. I even know how freakin plants “get it on”! I always use multiple forms of protection.

 

Even so, all this education and protection has not calmed my fears because of the anxiety I face after I have sex. The fear has made me become irrational because of the realistic traumas I’ve come to face with through my parents.

 

After an act of intimacy, I have sporadic episodes that range from the day of up until a month after. It manifests itself as paranoid thoughts, hyperventilation, crying, and the belief that I might be pregnant. My fears don’t calm until I either get several at home pregnancy tests or a serum blood test by a physician. I have mostly resorted to the serum tests due to accuracy.

 

I have my testing done through my school because it’s free. However, my physician there has grown increasing concern since I’ve been peculiarly cautious more than other females. I use my birth control right, and also use condoms, with the occasional emergency contraceptive when I feel needed. She asked why and I told her in a burst of emotion. She was quite surprised, probably due to my composure before up until this point. She referred me to another physician that was more specialized in the science behind contraception, a counseling service, and an outside sex therapist, who all may be able to help me overcome my fears. The first two specialists are free until I get out of school in May. I have told my physician it would make me feel so much better if I could get a copper IUD while staying on the pill, along with my partner using condoms. She said that was overkill but it feels to me like a guarantee I won’t get pregnant, as I would have my own backup if one contraceptive fails. Plus, I would get regular periods (kind of-heavier maybe). But my insurance can only cover one and paying for one of these forms is something I can’t afford.

 

Also, I think using the internet has worked to my disadvantage. I have looked up many things and come accross some pretty scary stories, which make me extra paranoid. Such as pregnancy scares (even on this site), medical cases of people not knowing they’re pregnant and going into unexpected labor (even when they’re not obese), statistics of each form of contraceptive (the percent failure rate makes me paranoid + possibility of outside factors affecting protection), and medical advice that says there is a small possibility you could get pregnant if X, Y, and Z happens….even someone who has said they conceived after the pill, condoms, and an emergency contraceptive all failed to stop pregnancy. I know these cases are very unlikely, but my anxiety makes me believe I could very well be that 0.0000001% that this does happen to in a population of billions.

 

Why I’m here

 

I want to make the most out of the limited number of sessions I have until I’m done with university. I get free counseling for a certain number of sessions and can talk to a specialist in the field of contraceptives. I plan to make appointments with both.

 

I was hoping to hear from people who had similar fears themselves or from a partner and how they coped with post sex anxiety. As in, what was your experience, what questions did you ask doctors, counselors/therapists, did you/your partner get over it, the free services provided by planned parenthood (I’m broke because of uni)? I’ve called PP and they’ve told me to contact insurance for billing…….I have yet to make an appointment because I’m broke and I’ve been screwed over by doctors’ appointments before. They never tell you payment upfront. I have blue cross blue shield insurance, fyi.

 

I know my fears are irrational, but they won’t go away. I’m not crazy or stupid. I am just interested in dating right now. I’ve met a nice guy and I don’t want to let my own insecurities get in the way of a relationship. I don’t want to cut out sex from my life. Despite my fears, I enjoy it. It’s the aftermath I have trouble with. It burdens me that I’ll find someone I really like, will become closer to them through intimacy, and then afterwards I will fear that I’m pregnant. I don’t want to feel sad after sharing this experience with a significant other nor do I not want to be intimate. I want to conquer this, not shy away from it.

 

I am young, want to explore my sexuality, but my fears are getting in the way. I want to finally feel safe afterwards. I don’t think abstaining would be the right choice to get over my fear. It feels as if I’m avoiding it just so I won’t get hurt; like I’m a coward and won’t face this challenge I have to overcome. You know, face your fears and you’ll get stronger. If you don’t, you will always fear it.

 

If this information helps, I have been intimate with a boyfriend and a trusted friend. However, I have been meeting with potential guys to date. I don’t know if I should use the friend I trust (of course with his consent) before trying to date someone I feel a connection with first. Or if I should try to overcome my fears with a guy I want a relationship with first; work on them with him. I feel it’s not my friend’s responsibility to help me out with my fears, but I won’t be potentially compromising a relationship with him because there wouldn’t be one I would want with this guy. If I try this with a boyfriend, I fear it will compromise our relationship. By the way, I haven’t told anyone besides my physician about my fear. Not even my partners. I’m not sure if this will get better over time, but I want to make use of the time I have with the help offered to me and the options of people I have available.

 

I’m sorry this is so long! Any feedback is much appreciated, even if you don’t agree with my convoluted logic.

[mhowe]

I suggest never using a friend to deal with your insecurities and to stop having sex until you have spoken to a therapist. Frequent use of the morning g after pill is going to wreck havoc with your hormones and may be ascerbating your anxiety.

[Batya33]

I was very concerned and sometimes anxious about getting pregnant accidentally (never happened). I dealt with it by abstaining and when I did become active (when I was older than you are now, in part because of my pregnancy concern) and then I was on the pill and used a condom. I agree with Mhowe that it is not worth having intercourse if you are going to do the morning after pills to the extent you are - that seems excessive and might be harmful to your health.

[Birdie]

I know you don't want to abstain from having sex, but the reality is that that's the only way to 100% ensure you do not get pregnant. Birth control can fail. I would say hold off for now until you make progress with the counsellor your physician has set you up with.

 

Emergency contraceptions (ie the morning after pill) are serious drugs and I believe there is a recommendation for how often you should take them...messing around with your bodies hormones so much is going to create side effects and possible increase stress.

 

You can still be sexual without penetrative sex as well, again until you work more with a therapist. Right now it would probably be best to put sex on hold, putting yourself in a situation that stresses you out so much isn't healthy either. Right now you're probably not someone who can be wild sex wise, it may be temporary by you need to accept your limits.

[haliescharlie]

With the friend thing, I was only throwing it out there. Just grasping straws at this point. It's not really a good idea. I guess that kind of arrangement doesn't work for me due to this anxiety. I will make those appointments soon, it's just hard to work around my schedule when they're available. I will abstain until I can get a hold on this, that much seems clear. It's funny, I'm not a compulsive person in the least, but I get very sexually frustrated even with this anxiety. Ugh, I feel cursed.

 

I've never been to therapy before. What could I expect or what should I ask? I'm not sure how it will help me since it seems a better medical understanding is what I'm lacking. It may help though.

[Ms Darcy]

What is wrong with abstinence? I personally abstained until I was financially ready for pregnancy.

[haliescharlie]

Nothing wrong with abstinence. I just don't think it is for me because despite my fears I naturally have a high sex drive. In a committed relationship, I will eventually want to because I chose to be with that person and love the intimacy. I just don't want to be sad afterwards because of my irrational fear of pregnancy. I want a normal sex life with a significant other. And I won't be ready for a baby for a very long time. Ideally, 15 years or even never. I really don't want one, especially now.

[HeartGoesOn]

Nothing wrong with abstinence. I just don't think it is for me because despite my fears I naturally have a high sex drive.

 

Given your situation at the moment, what is the alternative? Having said that, if you feel comfortable enough to be having sex, you should also be comfortable with the both of you discussing a plan, if this should result in an unexpected pregnancy.

[haliescharlie]

At the moment I would be abstaining. I don't know what the future would hold, but I'll decide when might be a good time to take the relationship further sexually. It doesn't mean I want to have a baby with that person though. I assume I would be comfortable enough discussing a plan. However, I want to avoid it as much as possible. It is my goal in life to improve healthcare and improve the lives of others, not to take them away. I am not against abortion, but for now it would be my only option if there happens to be an unwanted pregnancy.

[Batya33]

Nothing wrong with abstinence. I just don't think it is for me because despite my fears I naturally have a high sex drive. In a committed relationship, I will eventually want to because I chose to be with that person and love the intimacy. I just don't want to be sad afterwards because of my irrational fear of pregnancy. I want a normal sex life with a significant other. And I won't be ready for a baby for a very long time. Ideally, 15 years or even never. I really don't want one, especially now.

 

There are many ways to be close and intimate without intercourse. We all have to balance our desires and urges with what is in our best interests. You can have a high sex drive (or a high chocolate drive, or whatever) and as a human being make a choice with head and heart/emotions to abstain until you can find a way to manage your anxiety response especially since you seem to be ingesting pills that can potentially harm you long term.

[WithLove]

I have always had that sometimes irrational fear, also. I mean, I would get downright paranoid about it. In the end, I got an IUD and I use condoms. The chances of me getting pregnant now are very slim, but I also understand that the only guaranteed prevention is abstinence. But, again like you, I have a very high sex drive.

 

By the way, I'm 26. When I was your age, I had a huge amount of fears about unplanned pregnancies. But as I got a little older, and took the precautions that I did - well, I guess I've made peace with myself that I know I've done everything I can do avoid any accidental pregnancies, so if it happens, then someone must have decided it was my time.