Need a little help.

[cameron327]

My roommate introduced me to a woman in November and we started talking. After about a week of talking and just hanging out we went on our first date. The whole time she was smileing and laughing, so i thought things were going well. Later the next week her sister got sick and went into the hospital. She told me she needed some space, so i gave it to her. i went to visit my parents for christmas and came back early to spend New Years with her. however she went home to see her sister; of which i have no problem with. she came back early january and we went out again. again she smiled and laughed; i again thought things were going well. a few days later her sister passed away. she went to the funeral, but when she came back she was distant. she gradually withdrew and and now she will not return any of my texts, trying to talk to is like pulling teeth, anytime she sees me she stops smileing, and if i knock on her door i hear her come to the door look through the peep hole and try to sneak away.

 

Normaly I would let it go and move on; but for some reason i cannot get over her.

 

Thoughts?

[mhowe]

She is grieving and in no place to entertain a new person in her life. Please stop showing up at her door uninvited.

[abitbroken]

I think that you are coming off as a little self centered. She is clearly grieving the death of her sister and the only thing you should have sent was a "I am so sorry. If there is anything I can do, please let me know." Do not send that now. That ship sailed. And not have sent her "what's up" texts or chatty texts and just left her alone unless she reached out to you. You hadn't been dating long enough to be involved and she is not coming to the door because she just cannot face you right now. You are not a comforting presence, you are someone who is chasing her for a date. The other thing you could have done is found out from your roomie if there are people planning to send meals to her and sign up but don't deliver it. Do it anonymously or only have your roomie tell her if she asks who did it.

 

Anyway, I think you should just move on and date someone else. She is not interested in dating anyone right now. in some ways, I am surprised that it didn't occur to you that she needs to focus elsewhere now.

[Jackyboy]

Now, I'm just a humble...uhhh student? But I see it as one of two things.

 

Option A:

She doesn't want to be happy right now, and you make her happy. If she feels happy in her time of mourning, she'll feel guilty about it and that's no good.

 

The good news with this though, is that odds are, she just needs time. If you don't forget about her, and show her that you care, she'll come around.

 

Option B:

Sadly, option B is that you are now imprinted with the memory of her sisters death. This sucks, because if you're the kind of guy I think you are, the LAST thing you want to do is hurt this girl.

 

Now, though she can get back from option B, it's much less likely, and will probably take longer.

 

don't loose hope, and keep on truckin' brother

[abitbroken]

Now, I'm just a humble...uhhh student? But I see it as one of two things.

 

Option A:

She doesn't want to be happy right now, and you make her happy. If she feels happy in her time of mourning, she'll feel guilty about it and that's no good.

 

The good news with this though, is that odds are, she just needs time. If you don't forget about her, and show her that you care, she'll come around.

 

Option B:

Sadly, option B is that you are now imprinted with the memory of her sisters death. This sucks, because if you're the kind of guy I think you are, the LAST thing you want to do is hurt this girl.

 

Now, though she can get back from option B, it's much less likely, and will probably take longer.

 

don't loose hope, and keep on truckin' brother

 

Option A ...just no.... She would LOVE it if she were happy. She would love to have her sister back. Or she would like to be a little past her grief down the line. But telling someone that this poster makes her happy and she is pushing him away because she doesn't want to be happy is not doing him a favor - it is fostering the idea that he is just this awesome guy and he shouldn't be sensitive to the feelings of others and "justifying" himself. He has acted insensitively towards her and its a learning experience for him. Things that normally make someone happy don't always make them happy when they are in fresh grief. When I was grieving someone very close that died too young, I could barely get my head off the pillow. Your whole body aches.

[mhowe]

Now, I'm just a humble...uhhh student? But I see it as one of two things.

 

Option A:

She doesn't want to be happy right now, and you make her happy. If she feels happy in her time of mourning, she'll feel guilty about it and that's no good.

 

The good news with this though, is that odds are, she just needs time. If you don't forget about her, and show her that you care, she'll come around.

 

Option B:

Sadly, option B is that you are now imprinted with the memory of her sisters death. This sucks, because if you're the kind of guy I think you are, the LAST thing you want to do is hurt this girl.

 

Now, though she can get back from option B, it's much less likely, and will probably take longer.

 

don't loose hope, and keep on truckin' brother

 

Ahhh.neither A nor B.

 

He doesn't have a place in her grief...period. Contacting her is disrespectful of what she is going through.

[Dcgent]

I would say you are idiotic for thinking it fine to show up on her doorstep uninvited and you have portrayed yourself as a creep...because you are creeping up on her during a time of grief. Give the respect she deserves and some space...like she originally asked for. Leave her alone...chalk this up as a screw up on your part and be more compassionate to others in the future.

[abitbroken]

I would say you are idiotic for thinking it fine to show up on her doorstep uninvited and you have portrayed yourself as a creep...because you are creeping up on her during a time of grief. Give the respect she deserves and some space...like she originally asked for. Leave her alone...chalk this up as a screw up on your part and be more compassionate to others in the future.

 

Even if she wasn't grieving - two dates and just show up doesn't work in real life. It works in movies, but not in reality.

[Capricorn3]

Ahhh.neither A nor B.

 

He doesn't have a place in her grief...period. Contacting her is disrespectful of what she is going through.

Totally agree. Jackboy, you seem as clueless as the OP. OP, show her some respect and give her space. She needs time and the last thing on her mind right now is dating you. When she's ready, she'll contact you.

[Jackyboy]

Ahem, in both options, I'm sure you noted, I did tell him to give her space.

 

However, I don't believe that you are taking the right course.

 

I get what you are trying to do here, but agree to disagree. Here is why:

 

One of my friends lost his mom a few Christmas's ago. Wanting to give him space, I just left him alone until he wanted to talk to me.

He moved way a few months ago. I hadn't really spoke to him at all. I just kept waiting, and now hes gone.

 

On the other hand, same scenario but with a near stranger in my Psych class.

Instead, I made an effort to let her know that if she need someone to talk to, I was there.

It wasn't working for a few weeks, and she kept brushing it of with "maybes" and what not. (And I didn't hound her about it. Just gentle suggestions.

 

Me and her are very close friends now, and I would have regreted it forever if I didn't speak to her.