ally2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Hi all, Sorry to post again but i am now faced with another dilemma! My ex fiance and the father of my child walked out 4 months ago.. a few weeks after he left I reached out to his family saying that anytime they want to see my daughter they are welcome to do so, that no matter what happens i want them in her life etc... I reached out to them all several times in a 2 month period and recieved no response. Yet one of his sisters would message me saying that I am basically at fault that her brother cant see his child and basically blaming me for everything and believing everything he was telling her... which is lies. So for 4 months his family haven't seen my child, haven't asked about her... just nothing at all.... UNTIL yesterday! I recieved an SMS from his sister (the one that previously was nasty and blaming me) yesterday saying this: Hi *my name*, just wondering if you would be willing to bring *childs name* to a local Park in 2 weeks to have a play with her cousins and so her aunties, uncles and grandparents can see her. We all miss her and enough time has passed for things to settle down. We understand if you don't want to but this request is out of love for our niece, cousin, granddaughter. It's especially upsetting her cousins. They really miss her and ask when they can see her all the time. I was shocked when I recieved this... I want them to be in my child's life they are her family, I would be happy to meet up with them even once a month so they can see her etc... but do you think it is reasonable for me to request my daughters father does not attend.... I feel that if he wants to see his child he needs to ask me himself... rather then get other people to ask me and he tags along? Considering he also hasnt asked to see her in coming upto 3 months. I dont feel that is an unreasonable request... also when i do see them i will just be myself, not talk to them about my life or anything just try to avoid any real conversation and keep it about my child. Another issue is.... I have told my ex 2 months ago that i have changed my mobile number, so techniqually I never would have recieved the text message from his sister... I am actually getting my number changed this weekend there was a delay as I had several organisations calling me this month and it was too hard to have to give out my new number... So i am going to go to his sisters work this weekend and when she asks if i got her message i will tell her my mum changed... this is what i find odd.... 1. If my ex's sister had told him she was going to be messaging me about seeing our child.... wouldn't he have said she actually changed her number so you have to email her...? So maybe my ex doesn't know his family are reaching out? 2. His whole family met his new 'gf' on the weekend at a family wedding.. now 5 days later after 4 months of nothing they are reaching out to me for my child... i find that a bit of strange timing.... especially when i saw his sister 1 week before the wedding and she said nothing about wanting to see my child... How does everyone deal with their exes families when the ex isnt really in the picture anymore? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 OK, so first of all, DO NOT contact his family. You need to get in touch with a lawyer and get child support, a custody agreement and visitation arrangement set up. He has responsibilities as a father; don't let him shirk them. Link to comment
Zuri Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 My response is dependent on your daughter's age. Sorry if you mentioned it your OP and I missed it. Link to comment
ally2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 My response is dependent on your daughter's age. Sorry if you mentioned it your OP and I missed it. She is 1.5 years old Link to comment
Zuri Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Were they involved/close to her before the BU? Link to comment
Mari Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Hi all, How does everyone deal with their exes families when the ex isnt really in the picture anymore? So I'm kinda confused, is this how it is: Him: has to ask permission from you, your phone is being changed, you're difficult to reach. His family: You welcome them to see your child, they don't really have to even ask. If it is that way, would it be reasonable to assume you don't want the father to see the child? Anyway, perhaps thinking of them as people that love your kid would be a way to deal with them. If he's out and he doesn't want to do anything then that's not a big deal. The advantage to your child to see her cousins is there so might as well make use of it. Eventually when you get remarried then perhaps you may live somewhere else and not have time for them. But for now, since they do love your daughter, might as well see them. Also, the custody, lawyer thing, and all that may need to be resolved but it's pretty much up to you when you want to get started. Even if you weren't going to court I would recommend hashing something out with the father. Link to comment
ally2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 Were they involved/close to her before the BU? My daughter was close with the kids... not so much the adults.. they only really saw her on birthdays or christmas.... and the kids saw one another all the time as they were minding by the grandparents... Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 As I read it you were trying to do the right thing by your child by having your exs family in her life but when you contacted them they ignored you & then blamed you for the breakup. I wouldn't try anymore. It really isn't your responsibility, it is his. He should be organising visitation with his child, then organising to see his family with her. I wouldn't go to the park with them. If they contact you again, I would be telling them to organise any future play dates with your ex. Link to comment
ally2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 Ive tried! He left and basically that was that.. he refuses to speak to me about anything. But anyways lets not get into that just keep it about his family Link to comment
Zuri Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Good advice from Shlley (for now) given the age of the baby. Link to comment
ally2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 As I read it you were trying to do the right thing by your child by having your exs family in her life but when you contacted them they ignored you & then blamed you for the breakup. I wouldn't try anymore. It really isn't your responsibility, it is his. He should be organising visitation with his child, then organising to see his family with her. I wouldn't go to the park with them. If they contact you again, I would be telling them to organise any future play dates with your ex. The thing is her father hasnt seen his daughter in almost 3 months and hasnt even attempted to, hasnt even asked how she is... nothing. So telling his family to organise seeing her through him isnt going to work because he isnt even seeing her... I am happy to meet up with them even after how they have treated me and my child because i feel it is important to try and let them be in her life for my child. I of course wouldnt go by myself because who knows i could be walking into an ambush. I just question... why now? Why wasn't she loved and missed 4 months ago... what has changed now that they want her in their lives? I also have a strong feeling that my ex doesnt know his family have reached out Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Honestly, I do not think this will potential meet-up will go well for you. Your ex has abandoned his daughter. Now his sister, who just a few weeks ago, was blaming you for everything, is attempting a play date at a park where it sounds like many members of his extended family will be in attendance. Whether they mean to or not, I predict that they will attempt to defend him/blame you. Even if you bring a friend with you, I think it would be an awful situation, and potentially very upsetting to your daughter. I have seen MANY women in your situation bend over backwards in an attempt to smooth things over with their ex’s family, and it really never works. Blood is thicker than water, and they will always be on his side, and now they need a way to explain his horrible behavior. The way they will try to explain it is to blame you. They have already shown this by allowing him to bring his new gf to a family wedding. Believe me, if my brother or any relative of mine walked out on their partner and abandoned their child, they would not be welcome to bring their brand new gf to a family event. It’s not right, and yet they were OK with it. I think there are 2 things you should do: 1) If you haven’t already, see a lawyer and immediately start proceedings for child support and sole custody. This is the BEST thing you can do for your daughter right now. 2) Let his family know that you would prefer their time with your daughter be arranged by her father, during his time with her. Say that if he does not plan on being a father to her (and has truly abandoned her), you would be open to them visiting with her, but in a smaller setting (i.e, one of two members of the family, not the whole clan at once). Their response to this will tell you a lot. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 1) If you haven’t already, see a lawyer and immediately start proceedings for child support and sole custody. This is the BEST thing you can do for your daughter right now. Agree with this one. Ally - why are you still trying to understand the motivations? Your daughter deserves swift action. Are you not interested in seeing a lawyer and getting child support and a custody agreement/visitation schedule? Link to comment
derroax Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I know this was not your question, but I think the other posters are right: if you haven't already started legal proceedings to get child support, you should do. He needs to get his finger out and take parental and financial responsibility for her. As for the family, it's quite normal they will side with him at least initially. I don't really find their behaviour odd - yes, perhaps a bit inconsiderate towards you, but not surprising. If I was you, I'd text the sister back to say of course they can see her. As for the father, you would ask that he requests visitation personally if he wants to spend time with her. By the way, I am changing my number this weekend and it's going to be x. Link to comment
Zuri Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I just glanced at a prior thread of yours, Ally. You MUST remove your hurt, romantic, whatever feelings for the ex from this equation. This is about your daughter. Get things legally straight first. Be diplomatic. My greatest lesson (from a friend who advised me) was to keep any emotion out of any conversation with my ex (father if my two kids... 2 and 7 at the time). Answer only direct questions. Keep opinions to yourself. That goes for his family, too. Like Shelly advised, once ex gets established visitation they can visit, too. She's just a baby. My advice would be different if she was an older child. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I agree with everyone here. Honestly, if my Son walked out on his partner & baby then started seeing someone straight away I would be livid. I would tell him to man up & take his parental responsibilities seriously. I would expect him to be organising time for me to see my Grandchild, not the poor mother who is still grieving. That is just a huge expectation that has been placed on you. Not sounding harsh, but they aren't your family now, your ex has seen to that by leaving you. It is his family, and his responsibility to have his daughter visit them. Link to comment
Mari Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Ive tried! He left and basically that was that.. he refuses to speak to me about anything. But anyways lets not get into that just keep it about his family Would it be possible to focus on the benefit to the child? I recommend not worrying about what their motivations are, not worrying about why they came around after 4 months, not worrying if the father will be there. Your child probably doesn't worry about these things at all. To her all it is is a bunch of kids that she likes to play with, there to play with her, and a bunch of grownups who aren't playing as well. If a play date can be had with your daughter, then go for it. Suing your ex, getting a settlement, and all the drama associated with that is separate. I recommend not worrying about what they think, what they think they know and the rest of it. As long as your daughter has a good time for the time she has it, it should still be pretty good Sorry to hear he's not talking to you. If you need support and his involvement and he's not talking, you may need to talk to a lawyer. Friendly path is usually better, so a warning to his family would be nice before lawyering up. Something like, hey I need this support, I prefer not talking through a lawyer but I can't get a hold of him. Otherwise, people prepare for war and both sides make it as ugly as possible. Just a thought, maybe your situation is different. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 If the child was 8 years old - I think not seeing the cousins would be tough and I would have taken her to see the family if she had relationships with them. But a 1.5 year old is too young to really be missed as an integral part of the extended family. I am not trying to be cold, but your child lives day to day and not seeing the cousins doesn't probably affect her one bit. I would go to court for sure. All he cares about is the new gf. Also, I think it would be a better idea for you if you not agree to meet somewhere where you can be ganged up on. If they were already having an annual bbq that you knew was happening and they invited you to stop by thats one thing, but if they are all planning to be there just to see the daughter - you will most likely feel attacked and ambushed and be outnumbered. I think that your daughter should see her grandparents one on one )well, actually two on one), but not the whole crowd descending on you at once. Its going to be a big attack and inquiry on you. That's all i see. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 You need to legally get custody of your daughter from the courts before you even consider having contact with his family (or him). If you do not have a custody order in place, you could go to this outing, your child be sitting in his sister's lap playing, your attention turn elsewhere for a moment, then the sister hand the baby off to her brother who is hiding in a car or behind the bush and he could take off and legally you can't do a darn thing about it because he is the father and hence it is not considered kidnapping unless you have a court order giving you custody of the child. You would then have to go to court to try to get her back from him, and he and his family could lie and drum up all kinds of lies against you to try to get him custody. You need to STOP focusing on him and his new GF and his family and 100% focus on getting your custody issue settled immediately in court. And do NOT have any contact with his family until you have that custody order in place and can legally have the police retrieve your child if anyone tries to make off with her to hand her over to her father or not return her to you after a visitation. You are way WAY too focused on him and his family and need to focus on yourself and your child. He is long gone, living with another woman, and doing drugs. It is time to let him go and get on with your life and protect your child by getting custody of her legally established by the court. I would have been in the court filing for that 20 minutes after he walked out, and you should be there YESTERDAY to protect yourself and your child. Don't be naive about this! And don't agree to see him or his family until you've protected yourself legally from the possibility he might file for custody himself or snatch her and run. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Also, how do you know he hasn't convinced his family to help him get your child so he can get out of paying child support? Link to comment
ally2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 Well im not responding to her message but if they ask again.... I will say that i dont feel that it is my obligation to make a time to see his family, that i want them in her life BUT it needs to be on her dads time, if and when he ever asks for it. Because what he has told them is that he asks me all the time to see his child and i just flat out say no... to punish him for leaving me... which is utter s***! I was the one reaching out to him asking if he wanted to see her when he first left, he has asked 1 time in 4 months to see her and that was on HIS birthday! And we were out of state on that date and i said that to him and he didnt ask to see her another date, he just wanted to play dad on his birthday but every other day of the week she doesnt matter... makes me sick! Link to comment
ally2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 I just glanced at a prior thread of yours, Ally. You MUST remove your hurt, romantic, whatever feelings for the ex from this equation. This is about your daughter. Get things legally straight first. Be diplomatic. My greatest lesson (from a friend who advised me) was to keep any emotion out of any conversation with my ex (father if my two kids... 2 and 7 at the time). Answer only direct questions. Keep opinions to yourself. That goes for his family, too. Like Shelly advised, once ex gets established visitation they can visit, too. She's just a baby. My advice would be different if she was an older child. Ok let me just say that I know all of this is about my child. When I write on here I am hurt and have emotions but when I deal with him it is the complete opposite. I was his fiance and when he left... I never.. not once have messaged him anything about me and him... it has only been about our child. And I 90% of the time would get no response EVEN when she was in hospital for 3 days!!!!!!! Not 1 text back, not one returned call, not 1 visit...absolutely nothing! Like... I should be the one that doesnt want to speak to him BUT i am mature enough to put how i feel aside and do the right thing by my daughter. He is treating me as if I was the one that left and betrayed the family... But anyways... When i would message him to see his child it would be blunt to the point and no emotion. and if he replied i would say the time and place and thats it. When he emailed me asking to see his child on his birthday, i replied with no emotion just the facts which he responded to with name calling, lies and blame. But i didnt acknowledge the name calling, i stated the facts regarding his lies and placed the blame back on him but simply stating the facts... which of course he responded yet again with the same blame, name calling and lies... so i just said it is pointless speaking as he is dellusional and perceptions of reality are untrue so its is getting us no where. And yes i do the same when dealing with his family.. just keep it brief and try not to speak at all. Its a hard situation because it seems that he wont be seeking visitation rights anytime soon, as much as i dont want my daughter to go with him i do want him in her life but only once his life is stable and she becomes a priority. He seems more concerned with the new relationship and doing whatever he wants and i doubt the old gf that has already had her kids and now has grandkids would really be pushing him to try hard for his child...rather just blame me... and i doubt she would want him having visitation with our child because that would mean he has to spend time around me. it is just a messed up situation... I want what is best for my child and i dont want to be viewed as being like spiteful or nasty by denying access to her but she is a little person and they are strangers even her dad is now... i feel like i am doing the right thing but can only imagine how yet again everything will be my fault and he is the victim yet again! Link to comment
ally2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 I agree, its really unfair that they are asking me, especially after how they have been treating me and when he left us they basically cut myself and my child off, thats not what a family does or a decent person.. but as i said his family arent good people, i said that even when we were together. The thing is he is telling everyone lies about what is going on so that he can play the victim and say tht im crazy and wont let him see his child... if that were true then file in court! He just wants to play the victim because it suits his current lifestyle, but what happens when the lifestyle stops or changes.. then what..? its so frustrating and i hate that i am getting the blame!! Link to comment
ally2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 I have his contact details but whenever i have attempted to speak to him about our child... he makes it about me and him, name calls me, lies and blames me... everything he writes it actually dellusional and he actually believes it is true... Id like to sort this out in a civil manner without lawyers but he cant manage to be adult enough to maintain an actual conversation its just pathetic... i hope maybe in a few more months things will change... time will telll Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I have to ask why you're dodging the question/advice in seeking legal counsel? At this point, it seems to be the first step in getting all your ducks in a row, as well as protecting the well being of your child. It doesn't matter what he and/or his family think, what matters is what is best for the child, and what's on paper through the legal system. Link to comment
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