Dealing with HIS side of the family after breaking up

[ally2015]

Yeah I agree, there would be 15 of them there... thats overwhelming for me let along a 1.5year old... I did attempt to meet up with her grandparents almost 2 months ago and it was all organised then her dad found out and made the grandparents cancel. I think it should be done in smaller groups, i dont want to speak to them... ill be polite but am not interested in having a conversation or being friends.. i didnt even really want to even when i was with him as they arent genuine or nice people. I am a nice person and i hate the way i am being portrayed and being made out that i am the bad person and to blame for his leaving and his abandoning his child... but it is what it is all i can hope is the truth comes out and karma comes into play

[ally2015]

I understand your concerns 100% and there is no way i would put my child in a position where he could take her, I hope that he does file because that atleast shows he cares about her and his priorties are in order. the Australian family law system is very different to the USA, and it is very hard to get sole custody of a child

[ally2015]

Also, how do you know he hasn't convinced his family to help him get your child so he can get out of paying child support?

 

I know nothing... who knows if they are genuine or if its a plot... im not responding to the message and if it is asked again later on i will say to organise it through her dad... and if he wont etc.. i will say they can see my child but in small groups at a location i choose.

[ally2015]

I have to ask why you're dodging the question/advice in seeking legal counsel? At this point, it seems to be the first step in getting all your ducks in a row, as well as protecting the well being of your child.

 

It doesn't matter what he and/or his family think, what matters is what is best for the child, and what's on paper through the legal system.

 

I havent avoided or dodged the questions/advice... like i just replied to another member the Australian family law system is very different to the USA:

As I have said I have been told to legally do nothing, I am in Australia and it is VERY difficult to get legally custody.. If i was to file in court I am doing all the work for him and he will be granted custody to her which i do not want at this stage. So legally I have full custody of her until he files and he has absolutely no access to her so there is no way he could take her.. Legally I was also told the longer it takes him to file and that he has no contact with me the better as I will then be able to dicate the terms of visitation. Obviously I wont leave it like this forever, i know it sounds odd but it is what i have been advised to do by several different legal/lawyers

[chickadeedee]

>>While the amended Family Act contradicts the traditional view that mothers win child custody in unmarried couples, research has shown that from the amendment’s implementation to 2010, only 15% of fathers have been given shared parenting rights. Unmarried fathers usually have the burden to establish their fatherhood. This can be addressed by providing proof of the father’s involvement in the child’s life and paternity tests.

 

I think you are being given bad legal advice. You at the moment have prime evidence that he is a bad father, not seeing his child, a drug addict and running around with a woman old enough to be his mother. If you go to court now rather than waiting, you have a far better chance of showing that he is being a bad father and shouldn't have shared rights to the child and that you should be given custody. No court is going to grant custody to a drug addict who is not even showing interest in seeing his child.

 

He could however in a year or two get a new GF who wants to play happy family and marry and decide he should go after you to get his daughter half time or more. You'll be regretting that you didn't take this oportunity when he was showing he wasn't a fit parent to establish your rights to make decisions for the child and get child support.

[abitbroken]

I think that even if you cannot get sole custody - you can't do nothing. I would record everything. I would seek your attorney out and talk about establishing your rights and establishing a visitation schedule. That way, no one can see your daughter at a moment's notice and when they want. And if he violates the agreement or doesn't ever show up or show interest to see her, then you have proof when you want to go for sole custody. Courts don't care if the other party has a girlfriend, etc. And they won't act based on hurt emotions. Maybe in your country if you are a single mom, you don't have to go for sole custody because you were never married to the father - it is automatically yours unless he contests. I don't know how that works, but check.

[boltnrun]

I agree, establish a written visitation schedule. Even if he doesn't exercise his rights to see the child, it's important to have a schedule in place. That way he can't claim you "refuse" to allow him to see her. Because if he doesn't, it's because HE decided not to and not because you said no.

[shellyf62]

I am in Australia & I know I am talking 15 years ago, but I was working part time & getting a part pension, so had access to getting full day to day care and custody of my children by filing paperwork with the local court house for free.

 

I really think you are getting wrong legal advice here, and if I were you I would ring a few lawyers in your area to confirm this.

If you cant afford to pay for one, try Legal Aid. I am sure there is something that can be put in place.

[Mari]

I have his contact details but whenever i have attempted to speak to him about our child... he makes it about me and him, name calls me, lies and blames me... everything he writes it actually dellusional and he actually believes it is true... Id like to sort this out in a civil manner without lawyers but he cant manage to be adult enough to maintain an actual conversation its just pathetic... i hope maybe in a few more months things will change... time will telll

 

Well if you're ok with it and your only concern is that there would be 15 of them then ask your daughter who she would like to see and request those people for the visit. Just say "She would like to meet, this, this, and this person this time. Perhaps if this goes well we could meet again next week with this, this, and this person. I would like to keep to smaller groups if possible. Thanks for offering."

 

If you have a concern for going into an ambush where they steal your child you can mention that too and check your rights with the local police. If the police say it's ok for them to steal your child as you don't have legal custody then you can respond to this family by letting them know you want to ensure custody first before seeing them.

[ally2015]

Yeah I agree and I am speaking to a different laywer today regarding this to see when is my best opportunity to get what i want... which is in the best interest of my child. I dont want to be one of those women that keep the child from the father to be a b**ch... or spitful thats not me... he 100% doesnt deserve to see her or be in her life but if its only limited access then thats fine, he needs to grow up and change A LOT before I would think he is a decent father. I will speak to my laywer tonight and ask what the best plan of attack is

[ally2015]

I think that even if you cannot get sole custody - you can't do nothing. I would record everything. I would seek your attorney out and talk about establishing your rights and establishing a visitation schedule. That way, no one can see your daughter at a moment's notice and when they want. And if he violates the agreement or doesn't ever show up or show interest to see her, then you have proof when you want to go for sole custody. Courts don't care if the other party has a girlfriend, etc. And they won't act based on hurt emotions. Maybe in your country if you are a single mom, you don't have to go for sole custody because you were never married to the father - it is automatically yours unless he contests. I don't know how that works, but check.

 

Thanks for your advice. I have been documenting everything since July and am speaking to a lawyer again today about what to do next... I know courts wont care about him having a gf but they would IF the gf has caused issues and she isnt a very nice person when i met her so time will tell what her character is like. The way it has been explained to me is until we have legal orders it is 50/50 custody BUT because I have the child in my care, i can dicate what happens with her (basically i can keep her from whoever i want and do whatever i want) like i could move overseas with her and there is nothing he can do about it until he files to see her. Thats why the police etc have said just do nothing until he files because then techniqually you have full custody of her, you dont have to let her see anyone you dont want and thats why when i have seen her dad i always have people with me so he cant take off with her.

[ally2015]

I agree, establish a written visitation schedule. Even if he doesn't exercise his rights to see the child, it's important to have a schedule in place. That way he can't claim you "refuse" to allow him to see her. Because if he doesn't, it's because HE decided not to and not because you said no.[/

 

He can claim all he wants to I have all the proof, I changed my number so that we couldnt have phone conversations so that all communications are via email... so he can say all he wants that he tried to see her and i said no but i will be like here are all the records etc... get phone statements, screenshots etc... to prove yet again he is a liar... and i have not actually told him once that NO he cant see her. I have been the one to offer him to see her a lot and i get no response. It was only recently when he asked to see her on his birthday (*roll eyes* after 2 months of zero contact) to which I said to him we were away (which we were) and when we got back if he wanted to see her, he needs to organise it at a visitation center because i dont feel we would be safe around him.... that was 3 weeks ago... SOOOOO if you really miss and love your child wouldnt you think he would have done that by now..? He would rather just blame me for him not seeing her... which is just an utter joke

[ally2015]

I am in Australia & I know I am talking 15 years ago, but I was working part time & getting a part pension, so had access to getting full day to day care and custody of my children by filing paperwork with the local court house for free.

 

I really think you are getting wrong legal advice here, and if I were you I would ring a few lawyers in your area to confirm this.

If you cant afford to pay for one, try Legal Aid. I am sure there is something that can be put in place.

 

I am speaking to another lawyer today to work out the best course of action... im just freaking out because i dont want him to get her... like the 50/50... all i would ever want to give him is every 2nd weekend and not overnight. but that wouldnt be for ages... id want to do supervised visitation for atleast 6 months to know he is stable, can look after her, she feel comfortable, she knows who he is and i feel comfortable letting him take her etc... I want him in her life but when he deserves and proves he is a good father.

[ally2015]

I have replied to her and if later on they ask again i would suggest a small group of them so my child isnt overwhelmed and can enjoy some time with each other them... i just found the timing a bit odd... and if they love and care about her... why havent they made 1 single attempt to see how she was or to try and see her before... ? Its not like i have been causing any issues with him or his family, i reached out a few times adn when i got no response i just left it at that. If it was me... and this happened to my brother, I wouldnt care... id be doing all i could to have a relationship with my niece, doesnt mean i have to be best friends with the ex but i would be mature enough to say this is about the child not you and him... so get over it. But that is what a normal family would do with morals... which they dont have.

[Mari]

It's difficult to say why they haven't responded earlier without knowing them or what you wrote to them. NC based tools are difficult in this situation as you have a child and it seems both sides are relying on NC to help them out. So then they try NC with you but it's not like the 1 year old is going to schedule anything so then the have to go through you. Also, just as you wish to know why they suddenly care, they would have similar questions about what your motives were when you were asking them to come see her. With a 1 year old you will be present obviously, so they have to see you and talk to you. I'm sure if your 1 year old took a bus by herself and saw them they would be overjoyed. It's the inevitable conversation with you, unless I guess if everyone wore bags over their heads, nah, but yeah the conversation with you is what would've stopped them.

 

Also, whether or not they wanted to see your daughter, your ex wants to see her too so he would be probably be there behind a tree or something. I'm kinda out of advice at this point, cause I don't even know if 1 year olds miss their cousins. I thought babies at that age thought that the person left existence when they left their sight. Maybe I'm wrong. Good luck to you though.

[ally2015]

I highly doubt she misses them because well she wouldnt remember them... she loved them 4 months ago because she saw them a lot but now they are non exsistent. I just find the timing of everything a bit odd... like they just met his new gf and now they want to see my child and are reaching out and being kind to me... seems a bit fishy! But I havent responded and my phone number has changed but in the future if they ask again. I will say "I don't feel it is fair you are asking me to see her, we are no longer family, so you need to organise this through your brother when he sees her... and he isnt trying to see her so until he wants to you will have to wait. As it is unfair to put all the pressure on me when HE is the one that walked out on us." Its just a crap situation and because her dad cant be an adult, things arent sorted out... and i am made out to be the bad person... when im actually being a responsible parent looking out for my childs best interest. Thank you for your reply and advice!