36, divorced, and clueless...

[pfc78]

So, you'd think at my age and with two marriages (divorces) under my belt that I'd be a little better at talking to the opposite sex, but I'm not. I started dating somewhat late in life compared to the average person, and I've been single now for almost five years. I feel like I lack a lot of the experience required to really be comfortable and adequate when it comes to dealing with women.

 

I started a new semester in college in January and there happens to be a girl in one of my classes who I'm interested in. I was attracted to her the first time she walked into the room, and slowly it's gotten to the point where we usually have a conversation about something before class starts. When the semester first started, I was still in the state of mind where I didn't really want to date at all, but as time has gone by, I've begun considering it more and more, and I've started to think about asking her out.

 

The thing is, I'm a big-time introvert and that's something I've been working on really my entire life, but moreso recently. I have a hard time talking to anyone, let alone a girl I'm attracted to. I also have a lot of negative feelings towards relationships resulting from my divorces. I know that if I give it a shot and meet someone that I enjoy being with, those feelings could subside. There's also the fact that I'm not exactly a spring chicken anymore at 36, and I'm not quite sure how old she is. I'm guessing early to mid-20s. I don't have much of a problem with that, but I don't know that she'll feel the same way.

 

She almost always initiates conversation and even moved over a seat so that we now sit side by side in class, even though there was really no need to. This could all mean nothing, but it's hard to dismiss. The idea of asking someone out after all this time is nerve-wracking, but I feel like I have to at least give it a shot. I don't meet a lot of people and can be a bit of a hermit, so when a female who I find attractive shows me attention, I feel like I have to at least try. It just feels like there's this thick cement wall in between myself and taking that step. I haven't asked a girl out on nearly 10 years. Yeah. Any feedback and/or advice would be much appreciated.

[Scoe141]

Hey pfc-

 

Use your prior experiences to your advantage. They're a reminder that you got through dating those two alright. I know that there are times where I'm just as nervous chatting with a girl now, then when I was younger. And I've been dating for 20 years! That being said, don't let your age or experience level act as a deterrent or worry you. Could you ask this girl to study? Make it sound nonchalant. i.e. at the student center, school library etc. Hopefully from there you can pick up more clues as to see if she's interested. Hopefully this is a start for you.

 

Good luck.

[imbalanced]

Someday when you are talking with her, ask what her top three favorite restaurants are where you live. If of those top three you don't like any of them are the thought going on a date there scares you, put the thought of dating her out of your mind. However, if you would eat at any of those places, then wait two days and THEN ask her if she would like to have dinner with you at one of those places. Tell her you were thinking of all of them and they all sound good, or name the one you like best, and see what she says. If she turns you down, go anyway, by yourself. tue next time you see her tell her about it. Ask her again if she wants to have dinner, because you'd like to go back or try the others. If she says no a second time, move on! shame on you for persisting where persistence won't pay off if you continue to pursue. The gut level attraction isn't there.

[shellyf62]

How about something simple like asking her to join you for a coffee?

Then you can get to know her better, and there is no expectations if you don't hit it off.

A dinner date straight away might just be a bit too much for you at first.

 

If she says yes, that is great, if she says no then you have your answer & can move on.

 

Good luck

[pfc78]

I appreciate the feedback, everyone.

 

I've considered the study idea and something small like coffee. I'm pretty sure she has a better grasp on the class than I do, so studying together may be beneficial in more ways than one.

[Ms Darcy]

At 36 with two marriages under your belt, part of the problem is that you haven't really taken some time to get to know and be confident in yourself. Be single, enjoy life. Relationships aren't the end all, be all.

[pfc78]

I agree with part of that, but I've been single for nearly five years. I'm ready to see what's still out there.

[bulletproof]

 

The thing is, I'm a big-time introvert and that's something I've been working on really my entire life, but moreso recently. I have a hard time talking to anyone, let alone a girl I'm attracted to. I also have a lot of negative feelings towards relationships resulting from my divorces. I know that if I give it a shot and meet someone that I enjoy being with, those feelings could subside.

 

I don't recommend looking to a relationship with someone to help those feelings subside. That has to come from within you, in my opinion. I realize it's been five years, but you honestly don't sound ready.

[Jeffbobo]

I agree with part of that, but I've been single for nearly five years. I'm ready to see what's still out there.

 

I'm 45, there's a lot still out there. Lol.

 

PFC, seems you have no problem talking non-chalantly with all of us. What makes taking the same way in real life different? You talk here non-chalantly because you've nothing to lose. Transfer that to real life.

[pfc78]

I'm 45, there's a lot still out there. Lol.

 

PFC, seems you have no problem talking non-chalantly with all of us. What makes taking the same way in real life different? You talk here non-chalantly because you've nothing to lose. Transfer that to real life.

 

Exactly. I don't have to look any of you in the eye while I do it.

 

As far as me not being ready because of my feelings towards relationships, I feel like maybe I need to get back out there and see how I do at this point. I'm not so sure I haven't been trying to trick myself into thinking I didn't want to date to justify not going for it earlier, if that makes sense.

 

I have a small group of friends, all of who are either dating or married. It's hard to make plans to do things sometimes, and sometimes I miss having someone to spend time with. Whether that's going out to eat, or to a movie, or just sitting at home and watching a movie. I think part of me really misses that.

[abitbroken]

I would honestly seek counseling. You need to work through your feelings of the dissolving of your marriage and learn what behaviors you are repeating that has contributed to the break up of two marriages. It always takes two to tango - learn what your part was down from maybe not marrying someone compatible, to your communication style, etc. You have to find some confidence in yourself and some self love - otherwise, don't date. I also would get through your classes and find your niche. Don't bother with college aged girls in their early 20s and late teens. They are in a different stage of life than you. Talk to them sure, but right now, I would get on getting to know yourself better rather than focusing on finding wife and divorce #3.

 

Also, introversion is not the reason why you can't think about dating. You obviously are not that introverted to your disadvantage if you have married twice unless you attract women that want to rescue and fix you.

[catfeeder]

I have a hard time talking to anyone, let alone a girl I'm attracted to.

 

Practice this more with couples, elderly people, children and small animals. Stretching yourself to feel natural with those who are 'non-threatening' will translate into feeling more at ease when it counts.

 

It also helps round you out so you can cultivate relationships when you form them. It makes no sense to build yourself up to asking someone out only to feel ashamed of your lack of sociability while actually dating.

 

Social comfort is cumulative, and it only comes with practice and consistent exposure. It can feel exhausting at first, and that's why building up your comfort in daily situations will support you in becoming more relaxed when you reach for the big stretches.

 

Meanwhile, you have an interest to pursue, and I like your coffee idea. You can raise it as something for 'after next class' as opposed to putting her on the spot for 'right now'. After a lecture you can also ask her how well she understood something about the material, and ask her if you can phone her later to go over it with you.

[pfc78]

I agree that it's good to get as much practice as possibly conversing with others. I've been trying that recently, whether it's with cashiers at the store, or instructors at school, and it does help.

 

I saw her in class today and we talked for a few minutes. It seems like we're both loosening up with each other, and I get the feeling she does like me. I had a golden opportunity to ask her out after class, as we were the last two out of the room, but I froze up let the moment pass. I won't see her again til after Spring Break, but I'm thinking that class may be a good time to see if she'd like to get something to eat afterward. We'll see.

[abitbroken]

I agree that it's good to get as much practice as possibly conversing with others. I've been trying that recently, whether it's with cashiers at the store, or instructors at school, and it does help.

 

I saw her in class today and we talked for a few minutes. It seems like we're both loosening up with each other, and I get the feeling she does like me. I had a golden opportunity to ask her out after class, as we were the last two out of the room, but I froze up let the moment pass. I won't see her again til after Spring Break, but I'm thinking that class may be a good time to see if she'd like to get something to eat afterward. We'll see.

 

1) Does she know your age? That you are that much older than her.

 

2) She might see your advances as just wanting to make a connection with someone in your major. She may not interpret your wanting to get something to eat as romantic intent. I suggest you just see it as lunch is just lunch for now.

 

3) I think you should try to make as many new friends as you can right now. Don't get tangled up in looking for wife #3

[pfc78]

1) We haven't talked about age, so I'm sure she doesn't know. I also don't really know how old she is. I'm horrible at gauging age.

 

2) I've also considered this. I know if I'm gonna make a move, I should do it soon before she categorizes me as just another classmate.

 

3) I'm not looking for another wife. I'm really just looking for someone nice to do things with. That may not be what she wants, but that's something that can be figured out later. Right now I'd just like to get a date.

[abitbroken]

1) We haven't talked about age, so I'm sure she doesn't know. I also don't really know how old she is. I'm horrible at gauging age.

 

2) I've also considered this. I know if I'm gonna make a move, I should do it soon before she categorizes me as just another classmate.

 

3) I'm not looking for another wife. I'm really just looking for someone nice to do things with. That may not be what she wants, but that's something that can be figured out later. Right now I'd just like to get a date.

 

1) Keep in mind your age might be a negative to her assuming that she is college aged. So you should proceed with caution and with respect. Older men take advantage of the perceived naivete of younger woman all the time so that is how you could be perceived.

 

2) You should want her to consider you a good classmate FIRST and establish a good foundation with her. Friends first if you are looking for someone to do stuff with and not looking for a wife.

 

3) You are looking for a girlfriend at least if you want someone to do stuff with. I suggest joining meetup groups so that you have a number of people to do stuff with - men, too - and women closer to your age - so you are not looking for that one special person to do stuff with until you get yourself sorted out.

[pfc78]

1) Keep in mind your age might be a negative to her assuming that she is college aged. So you should proceed with caution and with respect. Older men take advantage of the perceived naivete of younger woman all the time so that is how you could be perceived.

 

2) You should want her to consider you a good classmate FIRST and establish a good foundation with her. Friends first if you are looking for someone to do stuff with and not looking for a wife.

 

3) You are looking for a girlfriend at least if you want someone to do stuff with. I suggest joining meetup groups so that you have a number of people to do stuff with - men, too - and women closer to your age - so you are not looking for that one special person to do stuff with until you get yourself sorted out.

 

1) I've considered how the age difference. I don't want to come off as some creepy old guy trying to get laid. I obviously don't make her uncomfortable, and I don't plan on changing that.

 

2) You're right about that. I haven't ruled out seeing if she also wants to work on class together.

 

3) I'm not focusing only on her, but I also don't meet a lot of people these days, male or female. I have my small group of friends and that's about it. She just seems like a nice girl and she talks to me, so of course I've noticed.

[abitbroken]

 

3) I'm not focusing only on her, but I also don't meet a lot of people these days, male or female. I have my small group of friends and that's about it. She just seems like a nice girl and she talks to me, so of course I've noticed.

 

 

Then you need to meet more people. Expand your circle.

 

 

And btw, have you examined why your marriages failed, and what your part in that was, so moving forward and finding someone to date, you don't fall into the same patterns in a new relationship? It helps to do this so you don't end up in another vicious cycle.

[pfc78]

Then you need to meet more people. Expand your circle.

 

 

And btw, have you examined why your marriages failed, and what your part in that was, so moving forward and finding someone to date, you don't fall into the same patterns in a new relationship? It helps to do this so you don't end up in another vicious cycle.

 

Absolutely. I've even had discussions with my latest ex to get her perception on things I did wrong in our relationship so that I can try to avoid doing those things again in the future. Some things I knew beforehand, and some were kind of a surprise to me. She told me I seem different than I did while we were together, so maybe I've been somewhat successful in changing my behavior.

[abitbroken]

Absolutely. I've even had discussions with my latest ex to get her perception on things I did wrong in our relationship so that I can try to avoid doing those things again in the future. Some things I knew beforehand, and some were kind of a surprise to me. She told me I seem different than I did while we were together, so maybe I've been somewhat successful in changing my behavior.

 

You need to come to those things with your own personal work and reflection, not by polling your exes. If you have - okay - now time to let go and take time to figure some things out. You are not very self aware/self reflecting if you have been divorced twice and have little clue and are surprised at what went wrong after the fact - or communication was poor and that is why you never figured it out.