Cidmercury Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I'm so conflicted. How do you leave somebody you love. I am THAT girl who does not have the courage to leave a toxic relationship. He has no respect for me, he's manipulative, controlling, selfish, emotionally and verbally abusive. Yet I always seem to have a reason to stay. I guess I'm pathetic. I live with him, we got engaged. He tries so hard to make things right but then it happends again and again. He's a liar and a struggling to be sober alcoholic. His family doesn't support his sobriety and I'm the bad guy for trying to help. I can't abandon him because I love him soo my much and I want a future with him and I hate this. He's such a ing . He is hurtful and angry and short tempered but he always try's so hard. I can't go to my friends because I know what they'll say.. My own family just lectures me and gives me a hard time and they themselves are not the nicest people but I know they care. I just hate the lectures and the questions because deep down I know what I SHOULD do and I don't have an answer when I'm asked why do I stay. He always says the right things, a sweet talker.. When he knows he's done wrong he is so unbelievably sorry and I know I know I know that it's all just words and an excuse and it's empty. But the things he does to make up for it seem so genuinly caring and concerned and true and loving How do you leave.. It breaks my heart so much to think about it but he breaks mine and has broken it, he has hurt me deeply in the past and I know an alcoholic will never change and if I stay then I will be that abused mistreated broken shell of a person but I can't let to of the hope that it can be different.. We have so many good days and I hold on to that. I need advice I need help from the people who have been here and not just the outsiders who think I'm stupid for being here. I don't know what I'm looking for, I don't know what answer I'm looking to get. I've heard it all before.. I deserve better, I should leave he doesn't deserve me etc etc. I want somebody to tell me it's ok and it gets better and he will change... I know I'm that "caregiver" person or that "I'm trying to rescue him" whatever. He won't change for me etc etc.. Because alcoholism is deep and it takes over and he may indeed love me and want me but he's controlled but other intentions because of drinking and so on... He doesn't drink all the time anymore.. He's been sober for 7 months but the last 3 he's had a few beers a couple times but has lied about it. I know where that road goes.. Just tell me something.. I'm so lost Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 It seems like you know about white knight syndrome, about your desire to fix, so I won't address that. How do you leave? You remind yourself that if you keep doing what you are doing, you will get what you are getting. When you leave, it will feel right and then wrong. Your instincts will try to mislead you. Igmore them. You must do something different to get something different. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 It seems like you know about white knight syndrome, about your desire to fix, so I won't address that. How do you leave? You remind yourself that if you keep doing what you are doing, you will get what you are getting. When you leave, it will feel right and then wrong. Your instincts will try to mislead you. Ignore them. You must do something different to get something different. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Getting into therapy would be good, support groups too. Learning about abusive personalities couldn't hurt either and to that end I recommend the book "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. You can find it on Amazon. Education over what is realistic versus what is simply a fantasy in your head, that's how you break free. Working on your own self-esteem and self-respect, educating yourself to find you are not the first person this has happened to and won't be the last, but this is what you need to expect--all of those things help you break free. Also, having been through something similar I can tell you this--stop thinking of yourself as a hapless victim and him the bad guy. You contribute just as much as he does to this toxic mess by staying and putting up with it. And I know that sounds harsh, it's just I've been in your shoes, I've stayed way too long hoping I could keep doing the same thing over and over and it would magically change one day--which is one of the definitions of insanity by the way. Educate yourself, take the rose-colored blinders off, take full responsibility for your own life and happiness and realize that neither he nor anyone else has that responsibility since that's on you and you alone and you'll be in a much better place no matter what you do. Good luck. Link to comment
goddess Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 It saddens me so much to hear about your predicament. It's obvious that you love him deeply and he loves you in his own way. However, do you really want to have a life like this? You know deep inside your heart that this relationship is severely damaged. You know already what should be done and that is the first step in the right direction. Nobody dies from a broken heart. I know, easier said than done. If you leave, your heart will ache terribly but the pain does lessen with time. The decision is yours to make. I wish I could tell you to stay in the relationship but I cannot. You do deserve better and I agree with ParisPaulette. You are also contributing to this toxic situation. Please, please muster the courage to leave UNLESS you are willing to be miserable in your life. This is no way to live, and you are aware of that. Do something about it, OK? Sending you a big hug. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I've been in your situation and what helped me was therapy. I am sorry you are going through this. It helps to be reminded that love is just as much about actions as it is about feelings. Please know that there is absolutely nothing loving about this - >"He has no respect for me, he's manipulative, controlling, selfish, emotionally and verbally abusive." This is not the actions of a loving person. This is hateful. This is more of a codependent toxic relationship. Not a loving one. Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 It doesn't sound like you're in love. It sounds like you two are co-dependent. I don't have much to offer. I find it mysterious why someone would stay in this situation. However you decide to do it, get it done. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 If you woke up one day and decided you were ready to leave him, what would be different about you? How will you know it's time to leave? What would be the last straw? Link to comment
chitown9 Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 I have a few questions. You say he is really trying? Trying how? What is he doing to make things better? Is alcoholism the sole reason for his behaving as he does? I recommend Alanon meetings for you. It is a support group for people who are dealing with an alcoholic in their life. chi Link to comment
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