transitioning from vanilla sex to femdom

[goddess]

I would like to become more adventurous and comfortable in the femdom arena with my husband. We have vanilla sex laced with femdom elements but I have trouble transitioning to more intense things and more frequency. His sex drive is greater than mine. We agree that we do NOT want a 24/7 situation and we'd like to limit it to the bedroom only. We've done quite a lot, in my opinion, but it isn't enough to satisfy his needs. He's unhappy and I am frustrated. I think I am afraid of being boring because I am not too imaginative. I need to get out of my comfort zone but don't know how.

 

I've read many articles about the subject matter, but can't seem to pass the fact that I have trouble ordering him around and being in control. I am very laid back and easy-going. Doing these things to him makes me feel like I am being a , which I am not. Plus, it bothers me to punish, humiliate or hurt him, deny him of orgasm (all of which I've done and more), even though he claims he enjoys it. Somehow, in my mind, they just don't go together when you love someone. I try to think of it as acting but I feel silly at times. I totally enjoy what he does to me (he goes down on me, I sit on his face, etc) but what he wants me to do to him (deny him of orgasm, humiliate him, etc) doesn't coincide with what I think lovemaking is all about. Maybe I've been reading too much Danielle Steel?

 

Would any of you ladies care to share thoughts that you had as you entered the femdom lifestyle? Did it bother you, at first? Any feedback would be appreciated.

[agent1607307371]

To be honest, you would probably get more and better responses if you posted on a forum that was kink or femdom focussed.

[regular joe]

I like your husband, find it very much a turn on to be bossed around the bedroom by my GF. If your husband is in a job where he is in charge, it is a nice change to be the submissive in the bedroom. Have you watched any femdom porn to get ideas? Hopefully, the two of you also talked about what he would like for you to do and what your comfortable with. I do love it though when we are getting it on and she is taking charge, damn it is so hot. I also know it hard to be the dominant one if you are naturally submissive. Start slowly, which it seems you have done and progress slowly as you grow more comfortable with being the dominant one.

[Batya33]

I think this is easy. These sexual practices are not for you. That's ok. I would not go past your comfort level but if you can reach a compromise and he sees you stretching to the comfortable limit that might help. Doesn't he want you to enjoy this too?

[chamachama]

The issue is that you are submissive, and so is he. In my opinion, true chemistry between you two will never be what it could be if one of you were dominant and the other submissive in bed. You can try and pretend to be dominant in bed with him, but it will never feel natural to you. On that same coin, the reason why you probably are as you say "vanilla" with him is most likely because you're turned on by dominant men and not by a submissive man like your husband craving to be dominated by you. So your sex drive is probably not where it should be either. Which in my mind makes perfect sense.

 

As far as an answer goes, unfortunately I don't have one for you. I truly believe that the best chemistry between two people is when there is a natural play between dominant and submissive traits. When two people have the same dom/sub traits it ends up stumbling the chemistry and its never where it could be. I have no doubt that if your husband was a natural dominant male (who enjoyed intimately submissive women like you) in bed, the bedroom would be one of MANY places that intimacy would be taking place. Instead, you're stunting spontaneity and natural flow of intimacy by remanding it to one place and that's fine with you apparently... that idea alone should be looked into and taken seriously. I don't think there is a space in my entire apartment that hasn't been sexified yet lol.

 

Something is not right at all in my mind. And if I had to guess, the ship is going down eventually. I'm sure his little alarms in his head are going off. I'm sure you are worried about it too, and you should be. I'm sorry for not painting a rosy picture on your situation. But I call it like I read it.

[MisUnderstood9]

I am very much like you goddess.

 

My fiance likes it more when I am being dominant and taking charge and I tend to feel silly while I do it. It's not that I wouldnt mind taking charge, I just dont know how. I am a naturally submissive person and naturally he is a very dominant person and I actually enjoy sex more when he is being the dominant one.

 

I have tried to explore me trying to be the dominant person but, like you I feel weird when I do it. Lately I've been doing it in baby steps, like handcuffing him to the rail of our fouton down stairs when he isnt expecting it and doing things to him. It works and I don't feel weird about it because I do it when I want him and not the other way around. I always find that if he initates I'd rather him continue be the dominant than for us to reverse the rolls but, if I initate I am more inclined to be the more dominant person.

[chamachama]

I like this idea. I think this post might be your answer OP.

[Mfic99]

You either are Dom or not. If are naturally turned those emotions is easy. If you are not, then it will be very hard. Some people can be both, but it's rare. I'm sub, wife is Dom and she is learning it's ok to express those desires more. But she is naturally that way in everyday life, not just in the activitie.

[Fudgie]

I can be both but I have a tendency to be dom because I'm a strong willed person and I think I have a controlling streak in regards to my own life. So being dominant over someone during sex is a turn on. Even when I have vanilla sex, I usually still give a few "orders".

 

There is nothing wrong with trying things. Like Misunderstood said, do baby steps. With a past ex, he enjoyed spanking and humiliation. That's too much for beginners. Start low. Becoming more vocal, a little demanding, light handcuff play. I don't like cuffs, I prefer satin ties on the bed.

 

Give it a go but if you genuinely can't get into it after a few times, I'd give it up and be honest with him. I do think it will be okay. Many people have fantasies that don't always get fulfilled. That's life. It's true for me as well. That's what porn and our imaginations are for.

[goddess]

I also am very strong willed in my daily life and perhaps quite controlling, so I've been told (though I don't realize when I do it). Now, if I can only do this in our sex lives. Then I get a bit self-conscious or feel silly. I am also afraid that it will become boring because I do the same things over and over. I don't change it up very often. I am not too imaginative.

 

We have tried many things over the years (believe me) but he seems to always desire more frequent sessions. Not long sessions necessarily, but frequently. I please him for a while and then I slip back to vanilla sex. THAT is what bothers him. It's like I forget about the domination. My problem, for sure. Guess I need to think about it more often and just do it. We do have sex about 4 or 5 times a week so he's not deprived. I thought that would please him (I enjoy it also) but he's not happy about it. He needs more. There's something going on in my head that is preventing me from letting myself go. Is this normal, or I am so tightly wound up?

 

We had another unpleasant talk about 2 weeks ago when he told me that he's unhappy in our sex lives because of me and he's cut me off completely from sex. It's not that I don't try; I really do.

 

Other than his need to be dominated, humiliated, etc, he is wonderful. We get along beautifully except in the sexual arena, it seems. Thanks for your advice.

[Fudgie]

I think he's being unreasonable. It sounds like you just like vanilla sex. Nothing wrong with that. But I find it absurd that he's mad at you for indulging his fantasy and then going back to vanilla sex, and he wants it everyday when you two have it 4-5 times a week?

 

He's unreasonable. And he's basically throwing a tantrum because of it? What a child. He needs to grow the hell up.

 

Can you talk to him about this? About you feel?

[goddess]

Thank you for your message. I've never posted on a forum before,. I wish HE would see it that way. I do think some part of him needs to grow up and realize how lucky he is (he is 50 yrs old and I am older than he is). Thank you for your feedback. I feel like he should give me credit for sincerely trying, time and time again. I wish to please him. He needs to see how much he has going for him. Hope you don't think that l I m conceited but I feel he is lucky. You've uplifted my spirits, and I thank you for that. I need some uplifting right now.

 

Yes, I have spoken to him about it, but we are not quite on the same page. I am trying to meet him half way (or some way to make him happy), and I guess he is also. I just feel that I am willing to compromise more than he is. I am not into this sort of kinky sex but I am trying to pass this hurdle to please him.. God, why does it have to be so complicated??

[Fudgie]

There is always a give-and-take in relationships. From what you're saying, assuming that it's true, it sounds like you're doing more of the "giving". I think it's great that you are making an effort to indulge in his fantasies. That's amazing. You're making an effort to be dom which is what he likes. Do you know how many people would just say "ugh, no" and not even try?

 

I think he's being unreasonable because you are trying but it sounds like he expects you to assume that dom role 100% of the time when it's not you. And that's not right. If you're willing to be dom some of the time, then he needs to be willing to have vanilla sex with you some of the time too. It needs to be fair and balanced.

 

What does he say? I would tell him what I told you, about your feelings. Relationships are all about compromise.

[chamachama]

It doesn't matter who you are in your day to day lives. In fact, most people who are controlling dominant in their day to day lives tend to be submissive in bed. In bed you're either naturally dominant or naturally submissive. Your husband is sub in bed and so are you. That dynamic alone might very well be why your sex life is not where it should be. Your chemistry is way off with each other. Your not too enthused about sex in general and most likely part of the reason is that you're attracted to strong dominant men in bed who will throw you on all fours and devour you. You having to be dominant doesn't turn you on, so of course you're rather vanilla in bed. If he were dominant you would probably love it and your sex frequency would most likely happily increase.

 

I would say work on things but I know only too well that in order to have great chemistry with someone the play between dom and sub is extremely important. No offence to the poster above (saying that you can be both), but since your tendency is to be more dominant in bed, your best chemistry will always be with a man who is turned on by your natural dominance in bed... a man who's submissive in bed. I don't think you two will ever be satisfied with who you both are naturally in bed. There will always be something missing that could be better. That's just my experience with this sort of thing. And I am extremely experienced to be honest.

 

Again, just because someone is dominant or submissive in their daily lives doesn't mean they are that way in bed. Often its quite the opposite.