Handling undiagnosed health issues

[zebragirl]

How do you handle undiagnosed health or mental health issues that are impacting a relationship if the person in question isn't willing or doesn't believe they have a problem? I am married and have a lot of time invested in this. I noticed quirks earlier but never put it all together. After 5 years I began to notice that his reactions to things were over the top. But he can rationalize anything. It's gotten worse since we have a child . I suspect he has Ocpd, not regular ocd . Look up the difference if you want to know . One family member knows very little but agrees that it fits to a T. I intend to get counseling for myself to figure this out . But combined with some other issues I have some serious doubts and questions right now. I want to work it out, make it work. But I also know it takes the person wanting help to really make change.

[Seraphim]

It is a rough road for sure. My husband was really half assed about dealing with his GAD and OCD for the first 15 years of our marriage. You're absolutely right the person has to be willing to first to admit they have a problem and second to deal with it in an effective manner. It almost finished our marriage for sure I'm so glad that he learned to listen to therapy and take medication.

[Antago]

You should certainly look at him with compassion and just accept it if you're certain; quite frankly, I understand the frustration but you should feel very proud that you and love and accept him rather than it being the other way around (him having OCD and attempting to get you to understand his problems and differences and you judging, rejecting, and abandoning him). Much love!

[zebragirl]

You should certainly look at him with compassion and just accept it if you're certain; quite frankly, I understand the frustration but you should feel very proud that you and love and accept him rather than it being the other way around (him having OCD and attempting to get you to understand his problems and differences and you judging, rejecting, and abandoning him). Much love!

If it were that simple i wouldn't have asked. I do love and accept him but there comes a point where certain behaviours are stifling and affect everyone in the family and if the person refuses to address his problems it's not a healthy situation.

[Willywagtail]

Gawd It's SO hard if the other person doesn't acknowledge they have a problem!

 

I think that you talking to a counselor is a great idea. I'm sure it will provide you some insight and also some strategies. I imagine a lot of it will be around how to impress on your husband the effect he has on people around him.

 

OCD can actually be a debilitating problem, so I'm unsure how your husband - of he has ocpd - can't think it's an issue.

[zebragirl]

Well the major difference in ocpd from ocd is that they do things a certain rigid way because they believe it's the right way and that everything else is the wrong way or doesn't make sense. But it's over the top. For example, my husband has to clean the appliances a certain way and it has to be done that way because it's "the right" and it makes sense. He gets upset every year over holidays with my parents because the meal is never "on time". He wants me to get them to change and believes it's wrong and stupid but can't let it go. So he fixates on what's wrong because it goes against his logic.

[relevart]

What kind of medical degree do you have to diagnosis him?

[mhowe]

Neither of these examples sounds like opcd.

 

Holiday dinner not going off on time....join the rest of the world. He likely is using that as an excuse to not go.

Appliances having to be cleaned the "right way"? Without knowing the appliance, there is certainly a way that maximimizes a sanitary outcome and a way that is faster.

[Batya33]

Neither of these examples sounds like opcd.

 

Holiday dinner not going off on time....join the rest of the world. He likely is using that as an excuse to not go.

Appliances having to be cleaned the "right way"? Without knowing the appliance, there is certainly a way that maximimizes a sanitary outcome and a way that is faster.

 

I would add that it depends on the frequency and whether it's just situational - just about your family or appliances.

[Seraphim]

I think the only time that people reach out for help is mostly when their life becomes uncomfortable for them. By uncomfortable for them I mean it starts to affect their functionality in every day life. For instance my husband would only admit he had a problem when it was starting to affect his employment. For instance his OCD rituals prevented him from getting to work on time. He would also have screaming fits if his laundry wasn't folded in exactly the way he wanted it. While at work his severe anxiety would actually cause him to pass out. After he lost five civilian jobs he was willing to admit he had a problem. However it took more years for him to actually implement the therapy he was given.

 

He was diagnosed as an adult with ADHD ,OCD and GAD. Although he had displayed symptoms of all all three since early childhood.

 

I will say now though he has really taken his therapy to heart he knows he has to take medication for the rest of his life and he's happy with that. He now has very few symptoms of any of those three. It can be rectified if the person wants to.

[bulletproof]

I intend to get counseling for myself to figure this out .

 

Unless the counseling is for him, there can be no valid diagnosis. I think you should deal with the behavior directly and not go looking for a diagnosis for him, because clearly he's not on board with getting any kind of diagnosis or help. If your marriage is in trouble, then go to marriage counseling; don't point the finger solely at your husband and decide he's mentally ill. And if he says no to marriage counseling, then you may have no choice but to end it if you feel his behavior is really destructive.

[zebragirl]

That's why I said i don't think he has ocd, but ocpd. He will Re clean said appliance if it's not exactly perfect. I cleaned it with him watching closely pointing out minute spots till it was spotless. Then he spends a minute more cleaning it himself because it's still not good enough. It's not rituals it's the way things have to be done right for fear of germs, damage to things, avoidance of spending time or money on things. He will go through the cupboard looking for things he can throw away in when he takes out the trash, combines shampoo bottles, uses up the last of some thing like mouthwash before bed just to get every bit of trash in the bag before he ties it shut. If one of us throws something small away he has to go Re dump the trash so everything is gone when he takes out the trash.

 

If our daughter gets sick he counts back 3 days to figure out where she got sick, then questions if I wiped her hands down, if anyone was sick that we were around, and basically gets so perplexed and annoyed over how she got sick. The next time we go out he reminds me to make sure to wipe her hands down, make sure no one is sick etc.

 

If there is something he wants me to do the next day and I've said I'd take care of it for him he will always make sure to remind me in an email the next morning even though I have already agreed to do it. It's not like I am forgetting either. He will remind me to be home by 5 when I go see my mom because he can't stand it if I am gone when he gets home especially to her house.

He blows at me or my daughter if we sneeze or cough so as not get our germs (of course I cover my mouth)

 

No I'm not qualified to diagnose him. But i just suspect something is off and I don't know what. It's stifling and he doesn't seem to realize how his actions make me feel or care even though I've expressed how I feel. Life revolves around saving money anyway we can, keeping things nice, getting nice things. I do save money and am very thrifty, going to the discount store, shopping sales for food etc. But it's never enough, he works so much overtime because he can't pass up the opportunity and said he didn't care if it affected his health. Honestly if I told you how much he had saved back in the bank you'd realize how his avoiding going to the Dr for his low T because of cost is ridiculous and just an excuse. You really want more?

[Seraphim]

Like I said though I think he's only going to admit he has a problem when he comes to an impasse. I think counseling is a good idea for you though so that your feelings are validated and you can also learn to communicate your point of view to him in a way that is non judgemental and non confrontational. And it will help you to feel better.

[Unreasonable]

The examples you give (so far) seem annoying, sure. But what impact do they have, other than being annoying? I mean, lots of people have quirks that somebody is gonna find annoying. My wife's quirks drive me up the wall sometimes. She's gotten on a kick of alternative medicines, pseudo science, anti-science, strange diets, etc. And she can't just apply it to her life, she has to evangelize it. And its annoying. Very annoying. However, unless it is causing actual harm (and I would not consider an reminder email so), not everything needs a shrink and medications.

 

If your husband has a particular way of doing things, then why not say "Fine. You want the appliance cleaned a certain way? Do it yourself. I'll talk to you when you're done." "Oh, you don't like something my parents do? Tell them yourself." Put the burden of solving his problems on him.

[Unreasonable]

The examples you give (so far) seem annoying, sure. But what impact do they have, other than being annoying? I mean, lots of people have quirks that somebody is gonna find annoying. My wife's quirks drive me up the wall sometimes. She's gotten on a kick of alternative medicines, pseudo science, anti-science, strange diets, etc. And she can't just apply it to her life, she has to evangelize it. And its annoying. Very annoying. However, unless it is causing actual harm (and I would not consider an reminder email so), not everything needs a shrink and medications.

 

If your husband has a particular way of doing things, then why not say "Fine. You want the appliance cleaned a certain way? Do it yourself. I'll talk to you when you're done." "Oh, you don't like something my parents do? Tell them yourself." Put the burden of solving his problems on him.

[zebragirl]

They actually do have a lot of impact. I don't feel the need to have to prove things to those who don't feel it's an issue or merely annoying. I'm the one living with him and know how it impacts our life together which it does. I am not someone that just get annoyed by little quirky things. I am pretty sure everyone is quirky to some extent. I am more concerned with dealing with how this impacts our marriage because it does . I overlook the silly things like trash, appliances etc and he does what he wants in those areas. I don't care about that. It was merely an example. But in much larger ways it does impact our marriage. I guess talking to a professional is really best otherwise I am just going to get all kinds of varried opinions from people who have no true knowledge of OCPD (not ocd) and think it's merely quirks when it honestly has a grip on quite a bit of his life at this point.

[DancingFool]

I think that you are on the right track to actually go talk to a professional about this on a personal level and perhaps seek advice and information on what can be done, if anything, and ways to handle this. Sometimes, guidance from a good professional is the best course of action you can take. Even something so simple as don't say it this way to him, say it that way can make an amazing amount of difference. Only caveat is that the first professional you go to, may not necessarily be the right fit or provide the right solution. So don't get discouraged and be sure to seek out the right fit.

[Unreasonable]

Zebragirl, I didn't say it doesn't have an impact, I'm asking what is the impact to you? So far I'm getting you feel stifled. What does that mean to you? I'm not looking for a definition of stifled, I know that. I'm looking for specifics of how it impacts you. Not really for me, but for a base to go on when addressing the issue with him and your therapist.

[zebragirl]

Zebragirl, I didn't say it doesn't have an impact, I'm asking what is the impact to you? So far I'm getting you feel stifled. What does that mean to you? I'm not looking for a definition of stifled, I know that. I'm looking for specifics of how it impacts you. Not really for me, but for a base to go on when addressing the issue with him and your therapist.

Some of the things like when he wants to argue and try to get me to change how my parents do holidays basically ruins the holiday for me. Even when I refuse to really fuss about it he will have such a bad attitude that everyone knows and can tell he doesn't want to be there.

 

With the appliances, i just let him clean them how he wants and try to keep finger prints off them but when our daughter goes to get something from the fridge he tries to intervene and keep her from opening the fridge. So he's trying to restrict her independence to protect the fridge. She's never hurt the appliances but his expectations are un realistic and a bit controlling. I always step in and tell him she can open the fridge herself and she's never damaged the fridge. If she smudges it a little it's OK.

 

Trash I don't care, that's just silly bit doesn't affect me except that he puts off taking out the trash due to his need to do it all at once. I find it annoying and normally just take it out myself if it gets to be too much.

 

The big things for me is that he's so fixated on saving money he won't go too the Dr to address his low Testosterone, because it will cost money. He won't try to get more sleep to help his testosterone naturally. He won't cut out any overtime because that would mean letting go of extra money. His lack of sleep due to his work hours and habits are what largely affect us now. We don't have sex basically, maybe once every 3 months at best. And it's not something that works when we do have it. Largely due to his anxiety, stress, and him being overtired. Yet he won't do anything about it largely because of his obsession with money I guess.

 

He blew up last August because I asked if we could get a cat for our daughter. Why? Because he never ever wanted a cat in the house to tear it up, etc. Damage and cost were his main concerns. He was thinking of leaving over it. I didn't get one behind his back or anything. I dared to ask him about it. That's what set him off. The cat in question was declawed, short-haired fixed, etc. So not likely to do any real damage other than be furry.

 

That put a in my confidence that he's really dedicated to our marriage if he'd threaten to leave over me ASKING for a cat.

 

I feel like if I don't do things to his satisfaction he's going to get annoyed or upset . But when I ask him to do something that's important to me he doesn't do it or not do something that bothers me, he continues to do it, over and over. It makes me feel like my desires aren't really that important at all, but his quirky little things are important to him because they are "right vs wrong".

[Unreasonable]

Thanks zebragirl. This is good stuff to bring up. Good luck!