almost contacted him after 14 months

[kathy679]

My ex split up from me over 14 months ago and we haven't spoke since, apart from him requesting me on Facebook (which i declined) and 2 phone calls where he hung up when i answered.

 

i still love him. He dis treat me badly but i know he was horrid to me when we broke up by giving me but i do still have feelings for him. The pain has lessened so much, but the feelings wont go. I guess he is the reason i cant move on and find someone else. He is very damaged man, he has mental health issues that effect his actions, but i cant make excuses for how badly he treated me towards the end and the cheating.

 

i recently found out he split up with the girl he was with, i don't no, if in honest it made me feel good. I know that's wrong but i cant help it!

 

also i found out two days ago from a mutual friendship he fell down some stairs and has done some really bad damage and may never walk again. All of the anger ive felt for him the last 14 months, all the times ive wished bad luck for him for the cheating and lies he did to me and they way he left me to deal with the abortion on my own while he went off with another girl, now for the first time since i find the anger turning to sadness. Sadness for him because i still love him, and sadness because he may never walk again.

 

i still love him and i wish it hadn't of hapened to him. I almost sent him a message on Facebook earlier telling him in thinking of him and im sorry to hear what's happened, but i thought about it and stopped myself. I feel a bit confused to love someone and wish them hate, but also feel so sad that this has happened

[sadchick83]

Is this the ex that slept with your close friend? Remember that the next time you have the urge to make contact.

[ParisPaulette]

I would advise you to, of course, leave it all alone. Try not to get into a mind set of sympathy over his misfortunes. If you believe at all in karma then yeah, not the falling down the stairs, but the other girl obviously left him, because she wasn't willing to put up with his crap. That's just his own behaviors coming back to bite him.

 

It's important to remember this: when bad things happen to toxic people it doesn't change them from toxic to good. Pity is one of the worst emotions you can feel for someone and that sounds like you have a giant case of it, almost as if it absolves him of everything he did to you and others. No, no it doesn't. And many times toxic people prey on other people's sympathy and milk it for all it's worth using others and using the misfortune as a free pass to act even worse. That's been my experience anyways when I let sympathy and pity cloud my judgement of the fact that someone who was ****ty to me before was still the same person. And yes, they were just as toxic the second time around, more so even.

 

Also, you are nowhere near a state of mind where you could contact him and a) not get manipulated and hurt by him again and b) just accept that he is who he is--warts and all. I know one of the hardest things to do is let go of a fantasy version of someone you loved, but it sounds like here you still have that fantasy version firmly in place even as you know on a logical level that's just not the truth.

 

Your time is better spent on yourself, continuing to do the things you want to do, to enjoy and put together a life that fulfills you, to learn that you can let go of toxic people and while you are not a mean person who is going to gloat over their misfortunes, their misfortunes are not your problem, burden or responsibility either. He had made his own life, he is a grown man who can clearly and fully choose how he treats others. And you are a grown woman who can choose not to engage with people who were toxic to you and mistreated you. It really is that simple and I hope you realize that and keep moving forward.

 

You can love someone, but still choose not to let them continue to hurt you when you know that's what they do.

[kathy679]

I always thought that he deserved something bad to happen to him. Now it has it doesn't make me feel happy at all that its happened like thought it would.

 

no sadchick83 this isn't that ex. IM still good friends with the ex who slept with my friend. I don't want anything more than just friendship with him and i let it go that he slept with my friend because they can both do what they want.

 

parispaulette i was hoping you would leave a comment on this post because you always tell me what my inner voice is saying ( the bit that gets clouded by my emotions at times). He is toxic to me and to be honest even if i dis contact him, um so busy with my life i wouldn't even have time to make for him.

 

it just made me feel sad when i heard the news, i did feel the urge to reach out, but i resisted.

[DaisyHope]

SO pleased I read 'almost' contacted him. SO SO PLEASED!! WELL DONE!!

You COULD be the bigger person and message him to show your concern etc, however he lost that right (in my opinion) when he ended things. Would he show the same compassion to you?

Anyway - my advice stick to ALMOST contacted him.xx

[ParisPaulette]

You feel bad for him, because you have empathy. And that's actually a good thing, believe it or not. It's just that you have to sometimes learn that as with everything else that empathy for the wrong person or circumstance can open you up to being hurt or taken advantage of. Trust me, it's a lesson I have had to learn repeatedly myself since I used to empathize with people who frankly played on that to get things from me.

 

To that end have empathy for yourself as well. There does come a point in most ex-relationships when the anger fades and you don't quite feel as bad as you did about the other person. And it's kind of a danger zone if the relationship you left was toxic, because it can be when the mind starts reminding you about all the good and leaving out all the bad. To that end I once drew up a list of the things my ex had done that had hurt and/or were toxic to me. I read it any time I started to waver and in the early days there was plenty of wavering, trust me. He also used to wait then come creeping back into my life after months, because he knew I can't hold a grudge and don't stay angry with people. So yes he used that to his advantage and I had to learn to say to myself, "I am no longer angry, but this does not change who he was, who he is. Or me." And then I would look at that list, revising it over time to place my own actions and faults beside his, and keep no contact.

 

It's rough to do, because the nice person you are wants to be there for people you care about. And like I said that's a good thing, so long as those people care about you in return and want only the best for you. That pretty much leaves those who are toxic out of the mix though. Stay strong, stay busy, the initial "I should contact him" feeling will pass.

[SooSad33]

Think on it... in the end, what 'good' is it going to do you?

Would it just satisfy some curiosity.. deal with that 'urge' you have to just 'talk' with him?

IS this really necessary?? Or is it just best to keep going forward.. and move on with your Life??

 

I've been there and I have fought those urges. Am glad I did. I heal faster.

[kathy679]

I dont think it would do me any good to be honest. I do still remember what pain he put me through and the way he treated me. It was awful. If i contacted him now he would probably think that the way he treated me was ok, like me contacting him makes it all ok. But its not ok. im quite a forgiving person really, but in my time ive learned that sometimes it is better to be harder about forgiveness because it does open you up to being hurt more by the wrong person.

 

Ive learned to resepect myself more and i guess thats why ive held back