Dating a Contrarian

[moundshroud]

The rundown: Myself (29yo), my girlfriend (28yo), we live together and have been dating for two years.

 

My girlfriend is a contrarian in the absolute truest sense of the word. It's not that she wants to argue (we rarely truly argue), it's just that she HAS to offer a contrarian thought to practically everything. She will even contradict her own views and feelings if it means disagreeing. Additionally, she never passes up a chance to correct someone and doesn't really know how to let small potatoes be small potatoes.

 

She rarely showed this when we first started dating, and when I began to see it I initially took it as her being bold and fiercely independent in thought.

 

But here's the biggest problem: It's bringing out the worst in me. I respond in either of two ways: 1) I ignore her and become stand off-ish, or 2) I become petty and stand my ground on the dumbest possible issues.

 

There obviously is a more healthy, rational third option.

 

I've spoken to her about it before, but she wasn't the least bit receptive. I've conceded to learning to live with it and handle it. I'm trying to be less sensitive about it, but I'd love any advice on how to handle myself within the context of her contrarian ways.

[mhowe]

Hmmm --- YOU are going to change to accept her attitude (because that is what it is).

 

I would suggest the 3rd option you are looking for, is to agree with whatever she says ---- every time. It will take the wind out of her sails. She is looking for attention --- plain and simple.

 

So, when you say "my, what a lovely day".

And she says "what are you talking about --- it looks like rain".

 

YOU say: You know, I think you are right.

 

And walk away. No further discussion. Keep telling her she is right. It doesn't matter if she is wrong. Tell her she is right, and refuse to engage any further.

 

It just may confuse the bejeezus out of her and make her stop. It also doesn't add any fuel to her fire.

 

I had a bf like this. Sometimes he would pick arguments just to hear himself speak. I couldn't bring myself to agree with him -- but I stopped disagreeing.

Everytime he pulled his stunt, I would just say "hmmm" or "well...." and say nothing more and get up and go to the bathroom or get a glass of water.

 

If he started up again, when I came back, I would do the same thing. And look at him with a blank look of disinterest.

[Clinton]

mhowe offers some good advice on coping. But I'd ask you, can you live with this long term? Many people do, I know one older couple where it's worked for decades. But it takes a certain mind set from the partner who isn't argumentative to make it work.

 

There's no right or wrong answer, just make sure it's something you can live with long term.

[chickadeedee]

Contrarian? Is that what you call it? These kinds of people are frequently just rude and argumentative and know-it-alls who constantly need to prove to themselves and the world that they are right or smarter than others (whether they are or not).

 

If you find this annoying now, it will be driving you bat-crap crazy in a few years. So your question asking how do you change yourself so that you can put up with a rude and argumentative know-it-all isn't really the right question. The right question is why do you put up with someone who does this to you when you've asked nicely for her to be more considerate and less argumentative/obnoxious? Unless you want to spend your life being submissive and listening to her contradict you every step of the way, then I would find a nicer GF.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think mhowe's advice is good. I will add, too, that not only have I dated someone who did this (he even disagreed with himself, on occasion!) but my brother-in-law is like this. It is annoying as HELL, and I thank my lucky stars I don't have to be married to my brother-in-law -- or my ex -- because I'd probably go nuts.

 

If you REALLY feel she's worth giving a chance to otherwise (though for me, the person would have to be pretty awesome otherwise for me to put up with this long term), you can try doing what mhowe said and just NOT respond other than to say, "Hmm...you know, you may be right" or just nod and say "OK."

 

I did this with my ex a lot, and it helped. It helped a lot more than telling him, "We don't agree, and that's OK," because it wasn't enough for him to agree to disagree most times -- he HAD to feel "right."

 

Honestly, your girlfriend's issue is symptomatic of someone with serious insecurities and/or ego issues. Often, the two are connected. If you think she's worth it, you can try to let this stuff slide off your back, but...you may find that you can't.

[Batya33]

I also would be careful about what in your opinion is small potatoes - it might not be to her and you can ask her whether she's disagreeing just to disagree - you might get some insight that way. Obviously some things are ridiculous in the objective sense but try to think out of the box a bit and see where she's coming from.

[browneyedgirl36]

Contrarian? Is that what you call it? These kinds of people are frequently just rude and argumentative and know-it-alls who constantly need to prove to themselves and the world that they are right or smarter than others (whether they are or not).

 

If you find this annoying now, it will be driving you bat-crap crazy in a few years. So your question asking how do you change yourself so that you can put up with a rude and argumentative know-it-all isn't really the right question. The right question is why do you put up with someone who does this to you when you've asked nicely for her to be more considerate and less argumentative/obnoxious? Unless you want to spend your life being submissive and listening to her contradict you every step of the way, then I would find a nicer GF.

 

Yep. My brother-in-law would be insufferable to me -- I wouldn't be able to stand living with him. I don't know how my sister does it, and I've often wondered, because she's NOT a submissive type. Maybe when no one's around she puts him in his place -- I'm not sure!

 

The thing to know is that this will only get worse over time -- not better. People can change their thinking, and to some extent their behavior, but...fundamental aspects of our character really do not change, and people who always have to be "right" generally can't back off from that. It's part of who they are.

[Ms Darcy]

I think it's worth it to talk to her about it as it happens. It's hard to know how you brought it up (confrontationally for example). But I would think during the times when she is contradicting herself, it would be especially helpful to point it out to her and try to ask her why in a non-judging way.

 

Also, when you say it didn't go well when you told her, what do you mean by that?

[Capricorn3]

This is the same girl who you say is "bad mouthing" both you and everyone she knows. She belittles you. Add to that she's contrarian. She does not sound like good relationship material (imo). Remember, it usually gets a lot worse. Ask yourself if you can really live like this for the rest of your life?

 

Maybe it's time to start re-thinking this relationship, and whatever you do, put ALL ideas of marriage out the window, until these major issues can be resolved.

[moundshroud]

Capricorn3 sadly, I know you're right. I certainly am heeding the advice of addressing these issues before marriage.

 

I've been trying to deconstruct everything lately and approach one thing at a time. It's so hard. I don't want the cumulative feeling of unhappiness to deter me from addressing each issue, though.

[sentiententity]

I was once married to a woman who would argue for sport. I don't recommend it.

[chickadeedee]

^^

LOL... so true... nothing is worse than being trapped married to someone who is by nature a negative or argumentative person. I was married to someone who wasn't a big arguer, but he did spend a huge amount of time whining and complaining whenever he didn't exactly get his own way or everything wasn't fun fun fun. He managed to turn the most innocuous of every day occurrences into something where he had to vent his negativity. So i spent my days marinating in a negativity soup being married to him, until I couldn't stand it anymore, and it was lovely and truly freeing experience getting OUT of that marriage.

 

You have to think of negative/argumentative people as polluting your mental landscape as surely as someone who is a chain smoker will poison your body by smoking around you constantly. Think long and hard before you sign up for life with someone who generates such an environment for you.

[moundshroud]

I like the analogy you used, Chickadee. I definitely feel like negative/argumentative people can pollute one's mental landscape. It's just terribly unpleasant to be around, and it can slowly make you negative at times. It's horrible.

[Batya33]

I don't think ignoring it is petty - just do it in a civil way -change the topic, etc.