I'm Not OK

[relevart]

Thanks for the interest. I guess it's more of an "no update" kind of update. Although she and I have been texting amicably over the past few days about different things, nothing serious. My hope from this is that we can come to an agreement eventually not to be at each other's throats and not to put the children in the middle. Maybe I'm being naive. I looked into an el cheapo online divorce, but even it is more expensive than I can afford right now and I suppose if we go the cheap route, she and I both have to make and stick to some agreements. I've been writing letters too the kids. Real, actual letters that go inside an envelope with a stamp on the outside and get sent through the mail in addition to regular phone calls and social media interaction. I used to love to write letters before the internet and feel they are more "permanent" and mean more than e-mails.

[JustWishing]

I think the letter idea is nice. The kids can choose to keep them and re-read your thoughts. Every once in a while I would give the letters to the kids in person, not only to make sure that they really get those without her reading them but also it gives it a more personal touch

[relevart]

Every once in a while I would give the letters to the kids in person, not only to make sure that they really get those without her reading them but also it gives it a more personal touch

Yeah, I have thought about that. The first one Iactually hand wrote and made a copy before I sent it out. The others were typed because, frankly, my hand hurt after three pages of writing! I write them keeping in mind that someone could be reading them first. The Other Dude would be there by himself when the mail comes during the week.

[JustWishing]

The kids might not even get them if the dude is home. In this case, I would give them to your kids personally. Plus this way you are able to write them for your kids personally. Not for your kids and whoever else is reading them

 

Besides that...how are you?

[relevart]

Forgive me. This might be a bit long. Last Wednesday I got a text from her asking if we could chat. I was skeptical and cynical. We've never really chatted via text even when we were together. But I wanted to see where this was going and replied "OK." Next text comes up: "It's not about the kids. It's about a medical condition I am having." Still cynical, but I'm the one that had been saying we need to get along better and I figure, well, sometimes to meet someone half way, you have to go more than half way to do it. So I say go ahead.

 

She tells me that I was always the one she could tell anything, too, blah, blah, blah and now she's having a recurrence of some medical issues from when we were together. I listen, reply where needed, encourage her to see a doctor and wonder all the while why I'm the one she's having this conversation with and not him. Part of it felt like she was using me and I guess she was. Using our familiarity and me saying we need not be enemies through this. So we left it that day with her saying she was going to the urgent care when she got off work.

 

Next day, I decide to keep the chat going and ask how the trip to the urgent care went. She told me she went by her mom's to talk to her and her mom said she should go to the urgent care too. Her mom is very anti-doctor and, frankly, kinda dense, so my wife said this kinda startled her that her mom would say that, so they went to an urgent care. Now I'm wanting to ask, "Where was the dude?" But I don't. Not my business. The medical stuff turned out fine, by the way. She made an attempt at humor in the chat and said, "I can't afford to be sick yet. I can in November when my insurance kicks in."

 

So against everything I know to be true, I'm feeling kinda good about this. I told myself that it's not about reuniting, but rather just getting along better, something I had been pushing for for weeks. So then wthout really thinking, later in the day, I text back that I ate spinach recently and liked it. She knows I don't eat good, so for people that know me, tis is kinda big. (As silly as that sounds to me right now.) I immediately wish I could take the text back. Nothin has really told me that we're now buddies again sharing normal, everyday conversation. My suspicision seems true when it takes her a while to respond.

 

And, yeah, I know. We always tell people here not to read into lapses between texts, etc. But I'm really good at giving out advice, just not taking it, LOL.

 

She responds back from that and we have a short conversation about food, SMH. Then on the way, I get a notification that she has accepted my friend request on Facebook. I think to myself: when did I send her a friend request? When she left, she unfriended me. I guess at some point I must have requested her friendship again and can't remember it. I'm on a phone most of the time, maybe I accidentally hit the button. So now I'm weighing all the reasons for her sudden change of mood toward me. I know it's silly and dangerous and tell myself that at no point do I suspect she's having second thoughts and even if she were, at no point would it matter to me.

 

Well, of course, since I thought that, it began to weigh on my mind that... I know, I know, dumb of me, hey, maybe she's having second thoughts about leaving! Man, I think to myself. It would be so cool for her to ask for a second (or twentieth) chance and then be able to tell her no. And that thought lasts for about a minute and then I go to, "Yeah, but teh kids are still young and I'm missing all this time with them at a really important point of their lives." So now I've almost accepted that she is having second thoughts and that at some point we will talk about that. Even though there is no real evidence to that at all.

 

All because she accepted a Facebook friend request that I don't remember sending.

 

Then this week. I spent the weekend conjuring up various ideas what was going on. Again, this is me doing the exact thing I advise people not to do -- I'm overthinking! I know it. I see it. I understand it, but I'm still doing it. So I was kinda excited, kinda nervous about coming into work to see where this might go. See, she doesn't Facebook from home and we never talk on the phone about anything other than the kids, so there was no contact over the weekend. So I get to work this week and, really, there's been very little contact between us.

 

(I did ask about the letters and the kids are getting them. Just a note that when I write them, I understand the kids might not be the only ones to read them)

 

But on her Facebook page, she's sharing those memes that people share. No Minion memes, though. When we were on the way to Splitsville, they were all directed at me and people urged me to "fight for her" because that's what she obviously wanted. So I did and she went off on me. That's not what she wanted, she said. She was mad at hell and used me brining them up as a reason to lash out at me. But now the memes are about not letting past mistakes rule you and forgiving people, etc. These are the ones she's posted since I could see her wall again. Even before that, they were along the same lines because a friend mentioned it to me that he didn't understand it.

 

I thought about giving her some unasked for advice: If you've got something to say to anyone, me, the kids, your mom.... him, just say it. Don't meme it. But I've not said that.

 

I know this is silly and dangerous and just plain stupid and I try not to do it. We've known each other for 21 years, got married, then divorced, then married again. I tend to know when things are about to happen between us, good, bad or indifferent. I think that's what troubles me more here -- the unknown. I don't want her back. Not really. But I can't bear being away from my kids like I am. When we have these moments of getting along, I remind myself how dirty and rotten she has done me. Not just the leaving, but how she left.

 

Really, the truth is that I'm lost. I don't know which end is up. I work, I go home and eat and then wait for it to not be too early to go to bed. Nothing gives me any enjoyment in life other than when I see the kids.

[Ms Darcy]

How much would a cheapo divorce cost?

[relevart]

How much would a cheapo divorce cost?

$299 is the cheapest I can find and I guess that means no one contests a thing.

[JustWishing]

Start saving up about 300 bucks and serve her the papers. It will be the best 300 dollars you have spent in 21 years! I hate saying this, but you have to get your head out of your a$$. You have so much hope left....and this will slowly kill you. You can not start your healing process, if you take one step forward and 5 steps back. You will start over your healing every time you start hoping again

 

You show that in your last post in not so may words...now you need to start following your own advice you would give anyone here on this forum in the same situation. Stop going through her facebook posts. She f***** you over big time. She lives with another guy for goodness sake! Listen to yourself!!! Stop pitying yourself. Get your act together and do the only right thing in this case. Divorce her. You move on, and she is getting a reality check.

 

Her medical condition doesn't or shouldn't flipping matter to you. She can tell dude about it. It is not your job anymore to comfort her. She just contacted you to make herself feel better. In not so many words, she is using you!!! For your own sanity you have to put a stop to that. Relevart, I couldn't be more honest and up front with you about this. I know how it feels and I know this is all easier said than done, but you have to kill your hope in order to feel better!!!

 

...and stop calling her your wife, she hasn't been your wife since a long time.

[relevart]

Just found out yesterday that I need another surgery on my foot. Third hospitalization in 10 months. Less foot when I get out this time, too. This may explain any abscenses coming up, although I do have ENA on my phone now

[Fudgie]

We're here for you, relevart.

[sky09]

This. Take care of your health first and foremost. No need to pay those paper-pushers $300. Find the forms from a local library and file yourself (i did that). All you will pay are court fees (if your stbxw consents). Use her good mood to your advantage.

[JustWishing]

...and keep us updated when you can

[reinventmyself]

Hope you're on your way to feeling better, relevart

[relevart]

So my surgery went OK. A physical therapist came up to my room and we took a walk down the hall and she said I didn't need physical therapy. I am walking fine. Not everyone does after surgery to remove your toes. But I apparently dodged a bullet before surgery. I woke up in my room at my sisters with paramedics all around me. My sister had found me unresponsive after hearing what she said sounded like gurgling noises. I was rushed to the ER with a blood sugar level of 20.

 

Long story short. I am fine. Doctor took me off my insulin and my A1C level is really good.

[fwdthinker]

Glad you are okay! My goodness!

[JustWishing]

Oh my goodness. I am glad your sister found you and called the paramedics!

[reinventmyself]

Phew. .that was a close call.

Glad to hear that things are moving along.

Here's to speedy recovery!

[relevart]

I can't remember if I have said where I live before, but we've been on the news lately for the historic railfall we received here in Columbia, SC. With my recent run of bad luck, I assumed a tree would land on my car and my sisters house would float down the road with me in it. But the car and the house made it through fine. We were without power and water for a short time and are still on a boil water advisory. That said, we were very lucky compared to many down here.

 

Meanwhile I am still recovering from all that has happened this year

[relevart]

If anyone is still interested, sorry for vanishing again. Long story short... hopefully. I've been in the hospital since Halloween Day, a full 64 days. My blood infection reared its ugly head again with cold sweats, fever and just plain cruddy feeling.

 

I'm now an amputee, right leg below knee. They think the infection is gone, but now I am having trouble with my left foot. Regardless, I have a goal of hiking to my favorite waterfall this spring with my prosthetic.

 

My relationship with She Who Will Not Be Named is surprisingly strong. I worked hard to get along with her for the kids sake as well as our sake. During a conversation, I told her that out separation was by far the toughest thing I had gone through. She started warming up after that.

 

She has broken up with Redneck Jesus and says the relationship had been a huge mistake. She's brought the kids down to see me several times. They seem to be handling everything great and my relationship has gotten stronger lately.

 

Other than that, I don't know much about anything. After the last year that I had, I feel blessed to be above ground here in 2016.

[Fudgie]

I'm so sorry to hear about your amputation. I hope you can keep your other leg too. I hope you can go hiking with your prosethetic. I am just curious, how are you handling the phantom limb pain? Do you have any?

 

Do you see any reconciliation in your future with her? Glad that she broke up with that tool and relations are improving and you get to see the kids.

 

Here's to 2016. We are always here for you.

[relevart]

Hey, Fudgie;

 

I do have phantom pain but it's not that bad, all things considered. Funny thing is I know where the pain is. Sometime it's my heel and sometimes the top of my foot.

 

The other night, I woke up with the "foot" itching badly. I was half asleep and reached down to scratch it... and couldn't figure out why I was searching the bed.

 

SMH

 

I can handle the phantom pain. It's the actual pain in my left foot that has me on Percocet.

[sky09]

All I can say is, stay strong, R. Make sure you let the docs know of any pain you're experiencing. Take care of yourself!

[WithLove]

R, glad you've checked in. I'm sorry to hear about your leg. My mom's guy recently had a scarily similar thing happen. They needed to remove his big toe but had to remove more than just the first knuckle because he had gotten a blood infection.

 

Glad to know you're hanging in there.

 

I'm glad your ex is being supportive.

[reinventmyself]

Hi relevart. So sorry to hear you've been having a hard time of it! Despite everything you sound well. Sounds like you have a good support system too.

Sending strength and good health!

 

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

[relevart]

After six months, I am out of the hospital and living with my son. My S2BX and I are getting along as we await a court date for the divorce. The realization that she is bat crap crazy finally kicked in and it dawned on me that dissolving the marriage was actually in my best interest. Took me long enough. Now to rebuild my life