I'm Not OK

[sky09]

R, the opening def. wasn't your best, but it's obvious this guy is a walking . A "normal" person would not walk away during all those situations, but yell during conversations instead. It's kind of like internet bullying - very easy to do, while you are not physically interacting with the actual person. I bet he will walk away again next time you're around. Keep your guard up and do not engage him any further, either verbally or physically.

It is also obviously that your wife has been having some sort of extra-marital relations with him. Keep reading that site and their suggestions. Be smart.

[relevart]

I apologixe for going AWOL on you folks. This thread and these forums helped me when I was down, so thank you all for that. Briefly, when I signed up, I did so from work (understanding boss and not much to do) because my wife, with whom I was still living with at the time, seemed to find every single word I ever wrote about her on past help forums. So I never went to this site at home whether on the computer or my phone.

 

So at the end of April, I left work on a Friday not feeling so well and by Sunday night was admitted to the hospital. It had started out as a toe injury that I thought, wrongly and stupidly, I could treat on my own. And maybe I could have if my car engine had not gone. So I had to walk a half mile to the bus stop and back twice a day. (Up hill both ways! OK, maybe not.)

 

So by the time I got my car back, my toe was horrible. Mind you, I'm diabetic. So, long story a little bit shorter.... by the time I made it to the hospital, not only was my tow hurting liker hell and looking like something from a horror movie, but i was having cold chills in 75 degree weather and generally felt like crap. That Saturday my kids and I were together and I had to keep pull over to the side of the road to be sick.

 

So the toe became infected, which then infected my foot. The infection reached my blood and by the time I was in the hospital, I thought worst case scenario was I'd lose my foot, but the doctor told me very gently that I could possibly die. Which was kinda sobering, but with everyting else that had been going on, I was numb at that point. Trying to keep it short here although my preference is normally melodrama. I didn't die. My foot was saved, but I lost my big toe and my fourth toe on my right fot.

 

Money was a huge concern. I had just put everything i had into my car. I set up a GoFundMe site and basically Facebook friends and my sister supported me for more than two months while I was off my feet. I'm back at work now. My foot isn't healing as fast as it was. It's a little swollen but seems to be doing fine with all the walking I have been doing.

 

While off my feet, I caught up on three seasons of House of Cards, watched the entire season of Bloodline, started the West Wing and Lost from the start and watched a lot of NBA.

 

So what about my wife and I? Things have not changed there. She did not even bring the kids down to see me in the hospital after I told her it was touch and go. because of money issues and not being able to drive, I went eight entire weeks without seeing my son and daughter! We talked a lot on the phone, but it's just not the same.

 

So how am I doing? In some ways it's harder now than it was when she first left. Reality can be a cruel . I feel numb more than depressed. I have suicidal thoughts. Part of me knows I have come through way too much crap to give up now, but the other part of me knows it would be so easy to just let the tide roll in. I nmiss her. I hate her. I love her. I mourn for her. I want to yell and scream at her and I want to hug her all at the same time.

 

I feel miserable.

[sky09]

R, you had your chance to leave this world, but something kept you here. Remember this next time another suicidal thought creeps in your head. Stay strong. For your kids, and most of all - for yourself. The road is long and hard, but well worth it. Keep us updated, and best wishes to you and your kids.

[WithLove]

Hey R,

 

So sorry to hear about the new troubles. I'm really glad you're okay, at least physically.

 

I wish I had words of wisdom to offer you. I wish I could tell you how to make this better. All I know is that it gets worse before it gets better; just keep plugging along.

 

Stay healthy and keep us updated!

[buffy6956]

So sorry to hear of your troubles.... It's hard to say the right words to comfort you but I will try... Firstly I'm hoping that you get to have a regular regime to see your kids and secondly with regards to your wife.... Before you met her you did not know her so you did not love her so it stands to reason that there is another somewhere out there that you don't yet know but whom you will love... It's a logic I use when my heart has been broken... Also I read about a man once who was stuck in a traffic jam... Cursing and swearing getting heated up cause he was late for work... The place where he worked was the twin towers and so he survived... And now whenever there is some irritation in his life or something is delaying his progress... He quite calmly thinks " right now I'm right where im supposed to be" ... Everything happens for a reason... Sometimes we can't find rhyme nor reason for it but there is a reason.... I sincerely hope you can start to mend and feel better soon x

[relevart]

An update, of sorts. She's engaged. The dude's mother posted a picture of them sitting side by side on her couch. He's got his arm around her. His mother tagged my soon to be ex using her married last name because, afterall, she is still married. No legal or official separation yet. The last few weeks were already hard with reality setting in and now this.

 

A recap --

 

She left on the last Saturday in February

 

She called in early March and said she was "thinking" of letting her friend, whiom I call Redneck Jesus (sometimes The Replacement) in to help with bills. She goes through tis whole thing where she'll share a room with our daughter, etc. etc. Meanwhile, I'm a moron because she's actually already moved him in and this is her way of telling me.

 

A few weeks later, my son tells me she is sharing the same room as RJ. She tells me that, yes, they are sharing a room but that it's platonic. I live be, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice I'm an effing idiot, so naturally I don't believe this.

 

And now this.

[pippy longstocking]

dear god rel I missed all that with your foot/toe ...good grief man . It is no surprise what you have just said , it seemed that she was going somewhere with the jesus man when I last saw you comment about it all .

 

of all the post I read rel you worry me greatly , so I will be straight , are you still having the suicidal thoughts ? Has this triggered you off again ? Do you need help .

[relevart]

Yes, I'm having those thoughts. No, I won't act on them. This weekend was really hard and I'm not entirely sure why. I knew we were not getting back together. She wasn't showing any signs of coming back and I actually found I do have some self-worth. I couldn't have taken he back. I was hoping we could at least have a good relationship post marriage. We had talked about that. She said we would be friends, etc. etc. Of course, she also said she would not even consider another relationship until the kids were at least through high school and like an idiot, I believed that.

 

Like I said, I know we could not get back together now, even if the whole RJ thing was not happening. But it's hard to figure out who I am without being her husband. I don't feel like a father anymore either. I invested a lot in our life. I was very happy and content as her husband and their father. And, yes, I know I am still their father, but I haven't wrapped my mind around the weekend dad thing yet.

 

My foot is still healing fine though. That might be the one good thing I have going for me.

[Fudgie]

Oh R I am so sorry. my heart goes out to you and your children.

[pippy longstocking]

rel sorry I couldnt remember where I had asked how you are ..

 

To become a weekend father is nothing short of tragic for any man ... I put myself in your shoes and imagine having to face that with my emily and I know it would just break me . It was the one thing in my exes life that held so much bitterness for him , he had to do the whole court thing and got every other weekend ..and that was it . For me personally reading your feelings on fatherhood it breaks my heart because emilys father doesn't want to know her , he has had 4 different children with 4 different women and only sees the last child becaue he married that mother ...I read your heart break and ask myself what kind of monster my daughters father is and how unfair it all can feel .

 

I think most can relate to what you said about not knowing who you are now as you was happy to be a husband and father and now have to start again . We all slip into a role and obviously we like that role or we wouldnt stay and it really does take some effort and a whole lot of time to find your place again . I am sorry rel for all that you are going through .

[relevart]

Thank you, pippy. It is incredibly hard, not made easier by the fussing she and I have been engaged in today. I plan on sleeping ten to eleven hours tonight

[sky09]

R, please divorce this woman. Get her to sign the papers while RJ is still around. Tell her it's your wedding gift to them.

Your worst enemy right now is your own mind. Reframe and rebuild. Keep us posted.

[relevart]

First day of school for the kids today. I have always been there on their first day of school as they left. Most times I would drop them off. Some times I had the day off and would drop them off and pick them up. First day not to even see them at all on their first day of school.

 

But that's OK. I'm just the father. I'm sure RJ was there for them.

 

Yeah, I feel like crap.

[WithLove]

I wish there was something I could do or say to make it better. I'm sorry. Please know that I'm sending good thoughts your way, R. ((hugs))

[JustWishing]

Took me a while to catch up your threads, but I did.. I am sorry about your situation, because this surely isn't an easy one. When I read your initial post on your first thread, I was thinking there must be someone else involved. I have seen this quite a few times, that when a partner wants to leave instead of working on issues and starts blaming the significant other for things which are hard to change, there is usually another person involved. Your ex wife blamed all this crap on you to make herself feel better, and justify her ridiculous behavior. Her "madness" came from within herself. In her view she had to get mad at you in order to have the strength to move out and do what she did. It was her excuse to herself for cheating on you, which I am sure she did way before you knew about it. This truthfully said...don't beat yourself up anymore about things she blamed you for. It wasn't you, it was her all along. She was not in love with you anymore, due to the fact she was in love with someone else. That is why she was able to completely disregard your feelings. In a situation like that it doesn't matter what you say or do...it wouldn't have changed the outcome of it.

 

As of her and your situation now....The advice I can give you is:

 

1. If you don't have a court order in place yet, you have to get this started. Make sure you have your kids as often and much as possible, because if you let your own insecurities and self pity get in the way of your and your kids relationship...this would be one of the worst things you could do to your kids. In the long run you can look back someday saying...I was always there for my kids, so don't let this slip away. It doesn't matter who lives with her or what he tells you, you can or can't do. You have the right to see your kids regularly. And your kids will thank you for this one day when they are in their adulthood. I promise you.

 

2. File for divorce. This is the last thing she expects. Do it. Slap her right in the face with those papers and act like you couldn't care less. She will stand there and won't believe her eyes when she sees the case number. LOL This is reality setting in for her and she will wonder about if it was the right decision leaving you. I know what you are thinking R. I bet you sit there and tell yourself I am not divorcing her, because if I do she can go right ahead and marry this buttw***. If I don't divorce her, that makes her mad and they can't get married...lalalala. Anyways...wrong thinking. Divorce her! You do not need or want that woman in your life anymore. Not after she betrayed you the way she did. Not after all this crap she put you through!

 

The good news is, there is light at the end of the tunnel. So stay strong, do what you have to for your kids and try to live your life to the fullest. Do all the things you always wanted to do, haven't done yet, or haven't done in a while, because you were married. Don't let diabetes get you down and as of your other problem....I know this guy who was in a relationship with a very controlling beehive for several years. He had the same issues. She left him. Years later his dog ran away. He chased the dog around the corner of a bakery. As he walked around the corner a nice lady held his dog in her arms and said: I believe this one belongs to you. This was the start of his new relationship and the amazing part of it was...He never had a problem with her!! Ever

[sky09]

This. Stay strong, R.

[relevart]

Saw Just Wishing's post the other day, but wasn't ready to heed it... yet. Just reread and there's lots of good words and advice in there. Thank you so much. I'm looking into divorce proceedings now. I think it might be kinda liberating. The issue, as always, is money, especially with my recent surgery and a new engine for my car. Coincidentally, she and I have been texting civilly today about the kids. In the past few months, us being civil to one another has directly preceeded another one of her meltdowns.

 

SMH

[JustWishing]

Please R, don't make money an issue. When you divorce her and go through the court, they will take all your financial issues into consideration. I highly doubt they will be unreasonable. Be confident and go forward. Just because you two had a civil texting conversation with each other does not mean she changed her mind. She didn't. Do not get your hopes up, because if you do you are going backwards in your progress. Have the sanity to accept the way things are and move forward from that moment on.

 

To file for divorce most likely you won't need a lawyer. There is legal help available at most courts, for free. They help you to fill out everything. If you don't want to fill it out yourself, you can seek a paralegal. They are cheaper than any lawyer and do as good of a job in filling out those papers and filing them.

[relevart]

Just because you two had a civil texting conversation with each other does not mean she changed her mind. She didn't. Do not get your hopes up, because if you do you are going backwards in your progress. Have the sanity to accept the way things are and move forward from that moment on.

Nah, it wasn't that. As we were heading toward the separation, we promised one another we would remain friendly -- hell, friends -- during the whole thing. We sat down with the kids and told them the same thing and, silly me, I believed it. A few weeks ago -- I think I mentioned this, but can't remember -- she asked our son to tell me not to drop him off in the driveway because she hated seeing me. So that's where we are now. And, like I said, recently when she's civil to me, it goes ugly soon after that. It's not about me hoping she reconsiders; it's me wanting the civility we agreed to. Maybe I'm still setting myself up fo a fall though.

To file for divorce most likely you won't need a lawyer. There is legal help available at most courts, for free. They help you to fill out everything. If you don't want to fill it out yourself, you can seek a paralegal. They are cheaper than any lawyer and do as good of a job in filling out those papers and filing them.

Thanks. I am going to exhaust all avenues and will hopefully find one that works for me.

[JustWishing]

Relevart. Be aware that true and honest civility might not happen for a long time. It can take years to forget and forgive everything that happens. "Staying friends" right away and "being civil" is a phrase people use and try to put into reality, but "in" reality this is hard to achieve. It is possible, but mostly only after several years after the fact. Don't hold on to a promise, most likely neither one of you is able to keep right away. The only thing you should promise yourself is to be civil in front of your kids, and as much as you want to say something negative about her....Don't. Your kids are old enough to see the difference. Your ex wife already involves them in enough of her dirty laundry.

 

Example:

she asked our son to tell me not to drop him off in the driveway because she hated seeing me

 

It is not your sons "job" to tell you this. She is using him as a messenger and this is a big no no. It is already hard enough on your kids as it is. But as you also know, there is nothing you can do to change the way she is acting....but what you can do...is to be a good influence on your kids and not do what she does. Your kids will thank you for that and be in a healthier state when they are with you.

 

There is no law which prevents you from dropping off your son in the driveway, just because she hates to see you. If she had a restraining order for you or slammed you with papers for trespassing, that would be a whole different story.

[reinventmyself]

""It is not your sons "job" to tell you this. She is using him as a messenger and this is a big no no. It is already hard enough on your kids as it is. But as you also know, there is nothing you can do to change the way she is acting....but what you can do...is to be a good influence on your kids and not do what she does. Your kids will thank you for that and be in a healthier state when they are with you.""

 

^^ this. Squash this dynamic, asap! Let her know that any messages between the two of you should be done directly and not through the kids.

Do this as a gift to your kids.

 

Hang in there. . you're doing good!

[relevart]

""It is not your sons "job" to tell you this. She is using him as a messenger and this is a big no no. It is already hard enough on your kids as it is. But as you also know, there is nothing you can do to change the way she is acting....but what you can do...is to be a good influence on your kids and not do what she does. Your kids will thank you for that and be in a healthier state when they are with you.""

 

^^ this. Squash this dynamic, asap! Let her know that any messages between the two of you should be done directly and not through the kids.

Do this as a gift to your kids.

 

Hang in there. . you're doing good!

We talked about what she said and what she did. I don't know if we came to an agreement. She said I was trying to control the situation, SMH. I'm planning to pick the kids up tomorrow at their house.

[JustWishing]

Sometimes you just can't come to an agreement. No matter how hard you try. If both people insist on their opinion being the "right one" this causes arguments. If both try to persuade each other that their opinion is the right one and they should change theirs, that is when it really starts getting ugly. This is when you start learning the Art of respecting someone's opinion....and leaving it at that.

 

Everyone thinks subjective. Everyone has an opinion. You can't always have the same opinion than the other person. It is also pointless to try to change someone's opinion, because this would mean you don't trust this persons judgment or you are disrespecting their opinion. Either one. Let it go and realize they have a different opinion...that prevents the initial argument. How is that saying: It takes two to tango.

 

Next time she tries to argue with you. Ignore her, if you don't share her opinion. Don't say anything at all to her. Bite your lip and just walk away. Avoid the confrontation. Choose not to argue. It works and it is better for the sake of your kids.

[journeynow]

relevart, so sorry you are going through all this.

 

Civility is hard when emotions are running haywire, which is expected during break ups and aftermaths. Try not to take the bait when she starts the uncivil stuff. Count to 10, take a deep breath, and like JustWishing said, walk away. She might protest, want her say at the moment, but you can tell her because of the current situation you'll only talk when everyone can keep calm so that you can keep is civil and focused on the kids or the business at hand (visitation, dividing assets, handling responsibilities, etc). Divorce doesn't have to be expensive. You can stop by your family courthouse and get information yourself. They very likely have packet with the forms needed and information for options, procedures, what to do with or without a lawyer.

[JustWishing]

Hey relevart, how is everything going?? Keep us posted!!