I'm Not OK

[Cope]

I just read parts of your story and i am happy for you!!

What a tough year!!

 

Congratulations!!!

[relevart]

I was mistaken.

[WithLove]

What's going on, R?

[relevart]

It's been about seven or eight months since I posted and I am struggling to adjust to my new life. The divorce was final in October. On the day of the hearing, I was in the hospital recovering from a suicide attempt. My son moved out and I decided to move in with friends to not live by myself. That hasn't turned out too well and is a thread j started elsewhere on this board.

 

Every decision I make turns to crap. I'm sorry I don't have a better update for you folks

[reinventmyself]

It's been about seven or eight months since I posted and I am struggling to adjust to my new life. The divorce was final in October. On the day of the hearing, I was in the hospital recovering from a suicide attempt. My son moved out and I decided to move in with friends to not live by myself. That hasn't turned out too well and is a thread j started elsewhere on this board.

 

Every decision I make turns to crap. I'm sorry I don't have a better update for you folks

 

Hi Relevart. . I am so sorry you are having a tough time of it.

It's nice to hear from you. I hope things start to turn around for you soon.

[OrientalSweet]

You need to love yourself and your kids more than a woman who doesn't really care about you anymore. It will pass so let time heal. Keep busy each day and focus on other things. Look for another part time to earn more income and keep you busy and stay focus on your life. This is not the end of the world. There is always better life and better way waiting for you. People in our lift just come and go all the time, no one last forever. Loving yourself and be strong and you will be ok. It will pass and when you look back and you will be just fine. Good luck to you! Everyone going through tough time in life and just think this is the tough time in life you have to pass through and things gonna get better and better.

[relevart]

I don't know if anyone will even remember this thread. I had forgotten about it. I was sitting here thinking about how it was almost exactly three years ago that my life turned south. If my recollection is correct, it was Saturday 2.28.2015 that my ex left me with my kids. A lot of things have happened since then and I believe I went through it all in these pages.

 

It looks like the last time I updated this post was January, 2017. Not much has actually happened since then. Not really. I am now living alone in the same town as my kids. The living alone part hasn't gone so well and it came to a head last August. I made some comments on Facebook that caused some friends to be concerned. One of those friends was a cop out of town. He couldn't come up right then, so he called the 911 dispatch office in the town where I live and they sent two deputies to check on me. Long story short, they saw some cut marks on my wrist and took me to the local hospital.

 

I was in for ten days or so and when I got out, I was feeling better. I was diagnosed wih depression and anxiety and put back on meds. Being on the meds helped somewhat, but mostly it seems to have taken away the desire to act on my suicidal impulses, but not the wish for death. There was a previous post I made when I mentioned waking up when I lived with my sister and finding two EMTs around me and my blood sugar at 20. I'm a diabetic and that's pretty close to being in a coma. That was a suicide attempt, too.

 

Sometime around the last post I made in January 2017, I knew I would eventually end my life. I didn't know when and certainly didn't think it'd be as long away as it turned out to be. But I stopped contacting my kids. I thought they were better off without me and that it would be better on them when they got the call. The longer I didn't contact them, the harder it got. I also got upset that they didn't contact me either.

 

Long story short(er) this is when I went into the hospital and came back out. A fiend invited me to stay with him and his wife to readjust to being out of the hospital again and while I was up there, my ex contacted me. I hadn't spoken with her for a long time and ended up blocking her from contacting me because it got so testy between us. She said we needed to talk.

 

I'll make this brief(er) that I might have before. The day I got back from my friends, my ex came by and we went to get a bite to eat. I halfway expected her to tell me she was marrying Redneck Jesus, the guy she is on again/off again with who beats her. Not sure if I've mentioned the beating part before; I'll have to go back and check. But, no, they were actually broken up at the time. She actually wanted to know what the hell I was doing not seeing the kids.

 

So I told her what I told you about why I hadn't seen them in almost 9 months and she suggested I change that then and there. She took me to see the kids that night and since then, the kids and I have been getting along pretty great. They're 18 and 17 and I feel like I've missed the last three years of their life.

 

But it's a start.

[reinventmyself]

I remember you, relevart.

I am so sorry to hear you've had a really difficult time of it.

I hope reconnecting with your kids motivates you to continue to put one foot in front of the other.

Wishing you well. . .

[relevart]

Thank you, reinvent!

[sky09]

I, too, remember, relevart. Hang in there, man. Looks like you have plenty of folks that do care that you stay here for as long as possible.

[relevart]

A year after my last post, I find myself in a somewhat better place. I still live in the same place I did before, but I am looking to make a move to a bigger (better) city that has better services and opportunity. I am back on my meds for my mental issues and my diabetes. At one point, I went off both because I just did not care anymore. The meds are making me feel much better. My blood sugar had been as high as in the 600s which is really, really bad, but with the new insulin, I'm back to an average of 130 or so. Uncontrolled diabetes, aside from being medically dangerous, also can make one depressed and irritable and hard to be around. So that's a place.

 

I feel much better now. I still have dark moments and I admit I am still not entirely ready to move on with my life. I still have moments when I think about my ex and remember good times. I am sad that I missed my kids high school years.

 

My ex and I were getting along from about September 2017 to February of last year. I thougt we had turned a corner from not getting along to both being able to be adults with the divorce. But then she turned on a dime and I became the enemy again. One day she called to fuss at me while I was in the hospital on another medical scare. It was pretty serious as I was so weak I literally could not do anything for myself but feed myself. It was touch and go for a while there. So she called to fuss at me about something that is not important, so I listened until she stopped talking and then said, "Look, we're not married anymore. There's no chance of us getting back together. If there were, you could fuss at me all you wanted. But we're not, so I'm going to hang up now and if you call back and can talk to me like an adult, then I'll take the call."

 

So I hung up and she never called back. LOL That was a telling point. Since then, she has gotten engaged to the guy she left me for in 2015. More power to them. Meanwhile, I look to make strides this year. I am interested in someone and while I do not think it will lead anywhere, it makes me feel good that I can feel anything for someone. And when she gives me attention, that i a plus to. Simply put, I see me getting out of this and as you know if you've kept up with the thread, that's a huge step forward for me.