I'm Not OK

[relevart]

Well, Monday evening was kinda a daze. I moved in with my sister. She has two cats and two dogs. I don't like dogs... but one of them really liked me from the get go. She comes over to where I am sitting and puts her chin on my knee and gives me those sad eyes until I pet her head. So I guess I like dogs now. Then Monday night came and one dog barks at almost any sound she hears... which means the other dog has to join in. I didn't get much sleep that night.

 

Tuesday was interesting. My sister was at a friend's birthday party and I stayed at her house binge-watching "House Of Cards" for five straight hours. (No spoilers. I'm on Season 1.) When I went to bed, I got my fan out and turned it on... my sister said that at first she didn't think she would be able to sleep with it on. The bedroom doors face one another and I had to put the fan at my door due to lack of outlets. But then she realized the white noise was actually really nice. And the dogs either haven't barked at all since or either I just don't hear it.

 

My wife called on Tuesday to tell me she had just left the apartment for the last time and she had found something she thought I might want to go get. So later I went by one last time and realized it was something I did, in fact, want to keep. I started to call her and thank her, but I didn't. Later, when I was talking to the kids, my son said they now had a new oven. Against my better judgement, I asked how they got it and he said, "the Millers gave it to us." (Not their real surname.) She befriended an old friend from middle school a few months ago. Yes, a dude. And sicne then she's tried to sell the idea that she's friends with his parents too, adding that she has a better relationship with Mrs. Miller than she does with her own mom.

 

Yeah. Right.

 

So that put me in a bit of a depression and I am still in it now. She called yesterday to let me know that our son was finally enrolled in school. (The paperwork between old school and new school was a bit slow.) And I told her I was missing the kids. She tried to tell me she knew how I felt and understood because of all the time she had spent away from the apartment when we were going through our thing. I said it was not the same thing; that was her choice; I don't have a choice now. And we eventually hung up.

 

So it's hard. I have to look at my money and see if I can go up this weekend. My sister has hinted that maybe she would like to go up. But that brings up another point.My sister is bad mouthing my wife. Well, really name calling her. I get that she's upset; I obviously am, too. But I don't need my sister to call my wife a b*tch or a wh*re, even if it is just between us. Gripe about the situation or what she's done, but the name calling is not wanted or needed. I had hoped it would die off, but so far it has not.

[sky09]

My sister is bad mouthing my wife. Well, really name calling her. I get that she's upset; I obviously am, too. But I don't need my sister to call my wife a b*tch or a wh*re, even if it is just between us. Gripe about the situation or what she's done, but the name calling is not wanted or needed. I had hoped it would die off, but so far it has not.

 

She is not going to stop unless you tell her (in a loving way, of course). Boundaries, R. Is she that upset that her brother moved in with her that she feels the need to blame your wife and "vent" about it?

[WithLove]

In the future, to save yourself some heartache, don't ask.

[Ms Darcy]

She is not going to stop unless you tell her (in a loving way, of course). Boundaries, R. Is she that upset that her brother moved in with her that she feels the need to blame your wife and "vent" about it?

 

I agree. I would be sympathetic to your sister (a little) in that this is directly impacting her life too. Especially if you aren't having to contribute to rent and are staying for an undetermined period.

[relevart]

Talked to my wife for the first time since last Thursday. She wanted to let me know that her "friend" (Miller) may move in to "help with bills." She said she would sleep in our daughter's room. I said so he gets to be the father while I'm 60 miles away. It got testy between us. She said Miller has been coming by a lot and told the kids he wanted to be their friend, not their father. I haven't seen kids in a week and two days.

 

Good news is that I'm seeing the kids this weekend.

[relevart]

She is not going to stop unless you tell her (in a loving way, of course). Boundaries, R. Is she that upset that her brother moved in with her that she feels the need to blame your wife and "vent" about it?

In the future, to save yourself some heartache, don't ask.

I agree. I would be sympathetic to your sister (a little) in that this is directly impacting her life too. Especially if you aren't having to contribute to rent and are staying for an undetermined period.

Thanks for the replies, the advice and the comments. It's very much appreciated. And you all make valid points. I never mentioned this to my sister and for the most part, she has ceased with the name calling.

[sky09]

Talked to my wife for the first time since last Thursday. She wanted to let me know that her "friend" (Miller) may move in to "help with bills." She said she would sleep in our daughter's room. I said so he gets to be the father while I'm 60 miles away. It got testy between us. She said Miller has been coming by a lot and told the kids he wanted to be their friend, not their father. I haven't seen kids in a week and two days.

 

Good news is that I'm seeing the kids this weekend.

 

I hope you're not buying this "friendship" and are in process of mapping out your next steps.

[WithLove]

Well, other good news is that I don't think she's eligible for alimony if a person of the opposite sex that's not family is living with her and helping with bills.

[relevart]

Well, other good news is that I don't think she's eligible for alimony if a person of the opposite sex that's not family is living with her and helping with bills.

One of my friends mentioned this, too. I wasn't thinking of that at the time, just about how little I know about this guy and how much contact he is having with my kids.

I hope you're not buying this "friendship" and are in process of mapping out your next steps.

I'm not on the "friendship" part and I am mapping out my strategy.

[WithLove]

That's the first thing I thought of, too. I know you're not buying into the whole "moving in to help with bills" thing. Check with your state's laws, though - I know for sure in my state, alimony is not eligible if someone of the opposite sex lives with her.

[Fudgie]

She probably has been bagging "Miller" for a while, and now with the separation, she gets to use it as a nice excuse to move him in, play house, and set up a fake family. What a w___re.

 

So sorry you're going through this.

[pippy longstocking]

Talked to my wife for the first time since last Thursday. She wanted to let me know that her "friend" (Miller) may move in to "help with bills." She said she would sleep in our daughter's room. I said so he gets to be the father while I'm 60 miles away. It got testy between us. She said Miller has been coming by a lot and told the kids he wanted to be their friend, not their father. I haven't seen kids in a week and two days.

 

Good news is that I'm seeing the kids this weekend.

 

great news that you are seeing the kids ....

 

I am not one for assumptions , but I think the writings on the wall as to what part miller plays in her life !!!!

[relevart]

Tomorrow I see my kids. I believe soon they will be able to come down and spend the weekend with me at my sister's, but I want to make sure the sister is totally on board and will manage to keep the namecalling to zero when they are around. My sister does not have kids, so she doesn't understand exactly all the reasons to try to keep the peace as best she can, but it has been better over the last few days.

 

I have been trying not to call my wife except when there was a real issue to speak to her about. Every point of contact between us over the past few weeks has been her calling me. The last time we talked was Tuesday about Miller and since then, I've realized she was actually only laying the ground work; he's already living with them. Today I had to call to finalize plans on us meeting somewhere to trade the kids. So I was to the point and when we agreed, I said goodbye and hung up.

 

A few hours later, she called me just to chat as she made a thirty mile trip to the biggest town near her to look for work. We talked for an hour about various things and at first, it felt like a good idea. Keep the peace, be friendly. We didn't fuss, it barely got contentious. But after the talk, dammit if I don't miss her. Miss us. I've been really good at keeping my emotions in check when on the phone with her and the kids and I did that today, too. But every since getting off the phone with her, I can't stop thinking about her.

 

I feel like a moron.

 

But I also can't wait to see my kids tomorrow!

[sky09]

That's okay, we all make mistakes. Think about your kids, first and foremost.

[relevart]

Here's the update if you're interested. I'll try to keep it as short as possible. Seeing the kids last weekend was very good for all of us. We spent a day just kinda hanging out. Went to a mall, went out to eat, went to a park and just were together for the first time in two weeks. There was one point when I asked a question about them seeing her family because my daughter was looking real forward to seeing her cousin. And apparently they haven't seen one another nearly as much as my daughter thought they would.

 

In the course of the conversation, they said that Miller smokes. He initially would smoke in the common area of the house, but my wife put a stop to that and told him to go outside and do it. Now, he smokes in his room. I say his room because my wife has said she sleeps in our daughters room and I can believe that she probably does have a place set aside from her in there. My wife still claims nothing is going on romantically between she and Miller and until there is more direct evidence, I have chosen to let that go.

 

So after a great day with the kids, I took them back to their new home. My wife had asked me to pick something up that our son needed to return to the library where I live, so I walked in and saw her. Miller walked in, shirtless, looking like Redneck Jesus, saw me and turned to walk out. My wife called to him to introduce us, but he didn't come back. She made a comment that, "He must not have heard me." Which we both knew to be false. But I let it go. It was getting real weird, so I decided to make a hasty departure, but my daughter would not let me. When she saw me about to leave, she gave me the sweetest, longest and tightest hug of her life. I believe I've said before that our relationship is a bit strained because she simply does not voice to anyone how she feels. Before the move, she would close herself off in her room for hours at a time. Even now on the phone, it's been hard to talk to her because i have to lead the conversation and so far, if I asked yes or no questions, she mainly gives me yes or no answers. With my son, if I ask how his day is going, five or ten minutes later, he's still telling me! If I ask my daughter the same question, she'll say "Good." So the hug was real emotional and felt good and, frankly, and somewhat selfishly, I was glad my wife was there to see it.

 

It was hard to drive away from the kids and I suddenly felt very alone. I decided to take the long way back to my sister's to clear my head and by the time I made it, I was ready to go to sleep and not think about anything. The next day was lovely and against my better judgement, I went for a ride. The plan had been to stay at my sister's and vegetate and as I drove, I got closer and closer to where my kids live. Suddenly my wife called and said there was a problem she hoped I could help with.

 

It seems things have not been as rosy as the three of them had said. The kids behavior had been bad the whole time since the move. My wife quickly added that she didn't think it had anything to do with the move and reminded me that they had always been better when I was around than when I was not. (Typing this now, it suddenly occurs to me that in itself means it's at least partly the move because I'm not there to parent them.)

 

So I listen and tell her that I'll do what I can, but then say, You can't tell me it's not the move. They have been taken out of their family home, out of their school, out of their town and away from their dad. And now you have this guy living with them..." Trying to make this a little shorter, I complain about how he doesn't even have the common courtesy to try to make an awkward situation less awkward and I tell her it was rude of him to walk away from her when she tried to make the introduction..."

 

Suddenly he's on the phone telling me he didn't walk away from her, that he didn't hear her... Most of what he said was a blur because I was flabbergasted that he had been listening in and that he was now yelling at me. So I said, "You need to shut the (expletive) up. I'm talking to My wife about OUR kids. Now get off the (expletive) phone." I then hung up and was fuming mad. I began driving to the house and eventually called my wife to tell her I was going to pick up our son to talk things out with him.

 

The conversation went fine. As a 15 year old, he doesn't take too well to lectures and he hates to feel like he is not in control. But I told him I was not mad at him and if he noticed any strain in my voice, it was due to the whole situation and had nothing to do with him. Basically, he told me he is upset on a couple of fronts about the move. He didn't want to leave his school and had thought he'd at least be able to finish this school year. He misses his friends and he misses being able to see me.

 

He said that he and Miller do not get along, but that Miller and my daughter get along fine. That worried me, because I still think this guy is an angry, drunk meth head. But maybe I'm wrong. My son also has a problem because Miller took his bike away. A little history on the bike. It used to be mine, but I let it stay outside where it got rusty and the seat is old because it's been rained on. We had said we'd leave it beside the dumpster when we moved, but my brother-in-law said put it on the truck and he'd see if he could fix it. Somehow it got to their house unfixed and Miller worked on it and got it good enough to ride. With my son's behavior and being rude and disobedient to my wife, Miller took it upon himself to take the bike away from my son. My wife had told me this and I told her I did not think that was right at all, that Miller is not his step-dad or uncle or anything like that. I told my son that he should forget about the bike and act like it doesn't exist. That would take away Miller's control and maybe somewhere down the line I could get him a new bike, even one from the flea market.

 

The conversation seemed to go well and I took him back home and went to my sister's house. (I don't call it home for me and it seems weird to call this new place home for them.)

 

Since then, my wife and I have talked about the conversation and the phone call. She says Miller cares for her and does not like to see her upset. She said she's confided in him about our problems and he feels the need to protect her. I said this was a screwed up situation, that the guy should not be living there. I said, "It's not right ethically, legally and it's just wrong for the kids." She immediately went into, "Oh, so what? Now you're going to sue me." Which means to me they have been talking about what would happen if I did.

 

But since then, our conversations have been kind without any contention. She knows how I feel and I don't think right now that it helps to keep belaboring the point. I believe she understands that the situation has a lot to do with the kids behavior and I suspect she had hoped against hope that I would turn a blind eye. I see them again this weekend, so we will see how that goes.

[jimthzz]

Please tell me you are either:

 

• NOT paying spousal support
  
• or actively working to get it cancelled.
  

 

This Miller person is acting like he is a head of the house, even meting out punishment to your son.

 

Smoking in the house should not be allowed if that was the norm when the kids were in your house.

 

Both the smoking and the support payments should be addressed with your lawyer.

 

What are you waiting for?

[relevart]

So far, neither of us have seen a lawyer. So there is no child support, etc. going on. Since they are living with her, she is paying for day to day needs, but if something unexpected comes up, I'd of course be willing to help in any way I can.

 

He also brought a pit bull which stays chained up outside. And one of our cats is missing now.

 

As to why i don't have a lawyer, I'm saving my money to get a place of my own first, looking for a better paying job and planning my strategy.

[jimthzz]

Please tell me you are either:

 

• NOT paying spousal support
  
• or actively working to get it cancelled.
  

 

This Miller person is acting like he is a head of the house, even meting out punishment to your son.

 

Smoking in the house should not be allowed if that was the norm when the kids were in your house.

 

Both the smoking and the support payments should be addressed with your lawyer.

 

What are you waiting for?

 

So far, neither of us have seen a lawyer. So there is no child support, etc. going on. Since they are living with her, she is paying for day to day needs, but if something unexpected comes up, I'd of course be willing to help in any way I can.

 

He also brought a pit bull which stays chained up outside. And one of our cats is missing now.

 

As to why i don't have a lawyer, I'm saving my money to get a place of my own first, looking for a better paying job and planning my strategy.

 

OK, you are not off the hook for child support. If i were you i would be paying that. However, SPOUSAL support is something you should not be paying if your ex has shacked up with some guy.

 

 

The hits keep on coming. smoking inside, pit bull so dangerous it is chained up outside, cat missing.

 

Have you considered that maybe you need to have primary custody?

[sky09]

R, the time has come for you to visit this site: link removed

Read "The List" asap removed[/i]

 

I knwo you can't afford a lawyer right now, but do read up on what the legality of your current situation is: your wife leaving with kids and staying with some random man. You can get a free consultation, look into that as well.

Also, document everything and do not lose your temper (it seems like your fuse might be a tad short) ever! This is very important. Do not engage your stbx in any verbal sparing either. Keep us posted.

 

P.S. I did chuckle at your phone confrontation with Redneck-Jesus (RJ). I would've done the same thing, but try your best to keep your cool. How awesome would it've felt if you just politely asked him to surrender the conversation to just you two?

[Ms Darcy]

As to why i don't have a lawyer, I'm saving my money to get a place of my own first, looking for a better paying job and planning my strategy.

 

That's like saying I don't have locks on the front door of my house because I am saving for a new house.

 

There is really no excuse not to see a lawyer. There is so much wrong that is going on.

[relevart]

Today is our fifteen year anniversary. When we decided to get married again, we thought we should do it on the first day of Spring on teh beach.

[relevart]

Here's an update. The last time I said that, I also said I'd keep it short. I'll actually try to keep it short this time, but we'll see how that goes. The weekend after seeing them for the first time since the split, I saw my son again. My daughter had made plans to spend the weekend with hr cousin not knowing I would be coming up, so I told her to keep her plans and that my won and I would do something we like to do that maybe she wouldn't be so interested in anyway. We had a good day out, talked basketball and just hung out, my son and I. I tried even harder this time not to talk about the situation, to just hang with him.

 

Unfortunately, my car started developing problems later in the afternoon. They went from "that doesn't sound good" type of a problem to a "Crap, this car is going to strand me" type of a problem. The stranded on the side of the road came after I had dropped my son off and I suppose he mentioned it to his mother. Now it's my hometown, but all of my family up there are in-laws. So I called her to ask for help. In the background, Redneck Jesus is yelling, "Call a tow truck! Call a tow truck." My in-laws are all mechanically inclined and usually willing to help, so it made sense to ask her for help. She says, "What do you want me to do? i don't have the money to take you home." Which is not what I was asking. (Never mind that I could have paid for her gas.)

 

Meanwhile, Redneck Jesus is still in the background with his tow truck mantra. I'm mad as hell at this point, but manage to hold my anger in check. I say, "Janet, you and I are still married, even though obviously split. I am still the father of your children. You and I have talked about staying as friendly as we can. Now I am calling asking for help because there's no one else to call, so if you're fine with what he's doing, just tell me and I'll hang up."

 

Silence on other end, then there is noise as if she's putting the phone against her to mute what she might be saying. She gets back on the phone, gives me a few numbers and says she will also make a few calls. Now this conversation was actually pointless, I would realize soon. Her sister and brother-in-law were out of town, but they told me what they thought it was over the phone. I ended up calling a friend one town over whose son works for a car mechanic. Long story a little shorter: my friend got me home, his son got the car to the shop and I should get the car back today or tomorrow.)

 

It's been bothering me that Redneck Jesus has not tried to acknowledge the situation at all. The first time when I went to pick up the kids, he would not get out of the car. When I dropped them off, he walked away from both me and my wife when she tried to introduce us. Aside from the "Call a tow truck!" mantra, other times when she and I have talked on the phone, he would yell at me through the conversation. It became such an issue than Janet has said she'll try to call when he's not around, but if I need her, that she may not be able to take my call at her house, but would call me back when she could.

 

So I messaged him through Facebook. I'm willing to take opinions on how I handled myself both good and bad. I will say that my wife was very angry at me and unfriended me on Facebook afterwards. And now that I'm going to share the messaging, we can forget about this update being short --

 

Me: "You are living with another man's wife and two children trying to be both husband and father. Do not hurt them physically or emotionally. I love all three of them and while I might can't undo Janet's decision, those kids already have a father. They don't need another one and you're clearly not their step father."

 

Him: "First keep out of my business, sec. dn't send me no shot. Oh, dn't happen by our house either. Piss off!!!"

 

Me: You're living with MY family. That is my business."

 

Him: "Think again."

 

Me: "About what? My family and their well being is my business. I love them very much and don't want them hurt. Your anger toward me doesn't make me feel good about their safety."

 

Me: "Other than that, I said what I intended to say to you. Thanks for listening."

 

Him: "I don't answer to you, my house, my business. Disappear!!!!

 

Him: "I'll say what I need to say to, face to face."

 

Me: "I will be up to Janet's house when I get my car back to see our kids. Thanks again for listening."

Me: "Face to face like when my wife tried to introduce us and you walked away?"

 

Him: "Trust me. Bad idea. As a resident of the house, I've done asked you and told you you're not welcome here... I'm telling you , stay away from me...."

 

Me: "And what about when I need to speak with my wife or pick up my kids? Just out of curiosity."

 

Him: "Dnt come here, how in hard is that to understand?"

 

Copied as sent, other than I guess ENA will censor some of his choice words. Now I guess I could have been a bit more diplomatic in my opening message to him, but I would really have hoped he would have said something along the lines, "I don't have anything to say to you other than I care about Janet and your kids and they are all safe with me." Instead, he issues thinly veiled threats. As I said, Janet was mad and said I "baited" him. I said that was not my intent, but even if it was, he allowed himself to baited.

 

So the next time up will be this weekend. No one knows I should have my car by then because I want to make sure I actually have my car.

 

*Janet is not her name.

[relevart]

R, the time has come for you to visit this site: link removed

Read "The List" asap removed[/i]

Meant to say thank you for this link. I am there now.

[WithLove]

Can't you call to report that you don't feel safe with your kids in that house? That he has sent you threatening messages and you fear for their safety if he becomes angry?

[relevart]

I contacted a sheriff's deputy up there... still waiting for a call back. FWIW, Janet and the kids say he's not a threat to them and that is mainly what I am worried about.