bison67 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Been year and a half since the BU. 6 Months since any form of text, call, photo, anything, strict NC. The first 6 since months of losing the girl i was crazy for and was with for 2 years was a living hell, I had plans to marry her, family, life together, all that good stuff. She left because of things that i messed up and the break up is 99.99% my fault, thats a fact. You dont know what you have till its gone. It feels like since then the past year has been flatlining, things arent getting better or worse, just not as bad as they were the first 6 months, but also no where close to as happy as i was with her or before her. its like this pain and scarring has ruined my life as my receptors in my brain that respond to happy things no longer work. Tried medication but it just made me numb. Ive tried soooo many things to get over her, travel, positive life style change, accomplish lofty goals, be a better person, ive tried everything, EVERYTHING. Love is kicking my ass. She is on my mind all day everyday and in my dreams everynight which is either euphoria or torture when i wake up. I know ill never have her back but why does my heart keep loving... I wish i could flick off a switch and get over someone like so many people seem too. Im at a loss for words now, i dont even know what to say. I NEED HELP and ive already spent to much $$$ on seeking it. I want life back to how it was, feeling great everyday, not the watered down feeling reality cause by the pain crushing me. This BU is making me want to die and it has stolen my life as of now. Link to comment
dmjord Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Does trying "everything" include seeing a therapist? You say you've already spent too much money. But that can be seen as an investment. You could have depression. Link to comment
bison67 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Ya seem 4 different therapists now over the past 18 months, got tips, advice, those generic statements they make, i can control my thoughts now better just not my heart. Link to comment
bison67 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Ya seen 4 different therapists now over the past 18 months, got tips, advice, those generic statements they make, i can control my thoughts now better just not my heart. Link to comment
alylove Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 You say you are trying to become a better person. How about starting on the inside. What I did was get a gym membership and every time I would start thinking, guess what? get my keys and drive to the gym. Eat healthy. Get good rest (the gym will surely help). And stay off social media (for a bit) Link to comment
bison67 Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Im the fittest guy you know i guarantee that! Working out is a twice day thing for me, as well as running marathons and such. I worked out like this before the pain took over my life so it hasnt helped much as it was already a part of my life. Link to comment
Clinton Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Getting over someone takes the time it takes. One recent article study pegged average time at 18 months but that's average. Some take less some more. You will take the time you take, there are no shortcuts. But try and avoid dwelling on it, stay active, accept it's over for good and don't follow her life. You will get there eventually. Sometimes it's a long journey though. Just don't give up. Link to comment
DepthOfField Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Just curious - Have you dated at all since the breakup? Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Just curious - Have you dated at all since the breakup? same question as Depthoffield....Have you tried to date anyone ? or have been interested in any other girl since then ? .... Link to comment
bison67 Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 Yes i have tried dating. Been on dates with around 10 girls i would say in the past year, minor flings, hook ups, all that stuff. Just none of it even comes close to comparing. Once the other girl leaves im always thinking of the ex again, no interest to even talk to the other girl again. Its sad really and i hate that it feels this way. My subconcious wants her so badly Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 It isn't your subconscious...it it your conscious. Time itself won't do anything if you want to think about her and compare everyone to her. You have to want to get over her...and if you don't, ou won't. Link to comment
East4 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 It seems like you are feelinng guilty for the break up. Perhaps you cannot forgive yourself for what you did and this prevents you from healing. Look at your whole life, starting from your chilhood. What was your up bringing? What did this upbringing made you be as a person? If you treated your ex poorly, what was it inside you that made you do it? Was it fear of something, lerant behavior that comes out automatically? Then learn to observe this fear or behavior when it reoccures and chose a different response. You made a mistake and you paid the price, so the bill is settled. You lost a lot, but at least you won a lesson. Link to comment
bison67 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 I want to get over her so bad, i try sooo hard every single day too, and i do my very best to not compare other girls to her. Im not really comparing these girls to her intentionally just my heart does it by comparing how she made me feel, best feeling ive known. I feel so guilty cause it feels terrible, absolutly awful and im terrified ill feel like this forever. People on here give advice on here like, forgive yourself, dont compare, move on.... Its all crap cause its such bland truths! Its like telling someone hey go land a 747 in a crosswind, i mean go just do it! Im so confused and terrified, im doing STRICT NC and time like they say, just my progress has flatlined, no worse no better, just still madly in love with a girl i used to know.... And i want it to STOP Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 By staying "madly in love" with someone you broke up with 18,months ago...you are fueling the last piece of the connection. And when you give that up it is truly over. And you do t want it to be over. No one said it is easy. Most people on this site have lost a person who was very important to them. But as long as you allow yourself to be anchored to your past you can of have a future. It is hard and conscious effort that it takes to heal. Time helps...as it allows for the emotions to fade. But if you spend every day ruminating on the past, you are keeping the embers burning. You need to pour water on the embers and extinguish the flame. Instead...you add fuel everyday. One day you will be tired of keeping this going. Only you can change it. Link to comment
East4 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Bison, do you expect some magic spell to come out of the mouth of the posters here and alliviate your pain? These little truths that you name blant, worked for us and we are kind enough to share them with you. You perceive them as blant because you are impatient. You want quick solutions. It doesnt work like this. True you do plenty of external things to try to move on, not really sure if you look inside you for answers, why were you attracted to this lady, what went wrong, what was your contribution, what was hers? Closure comes from inside,with the understanding why the story developped the way it did. Link to comment
hopefulandhurt Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Bison, im 5 months out of a 7 year relationship and I've only recently started to turn a corner about a month ago. i think the first few months i just didn't want to admit it was over. this was the guy i thought i would end up with. whats helped me since then (besides strict nc) is that i made a list of all the things i didn't love about him. i still think he's a great guy and look back happily on our relationship but he definitely wasn't perfect and it helped me to write down what wasn't making me happy. another silly strategy that has really helped me is when i find myself thinking of him too much, i literally think of my brain as being like a tv and i literally say to myself "time to change the channel" and i force myself to think of something else either by watching a tv show, reading a book, calling a friend, etc. you can't let yourself wallow. also you may just not be ready to date. i know it takes a long time for some people and theres no problem with that. something else thats helped me is writing down 5 things every night that made me happy that day - sometimes its something really big like being thankful for amazing friends and family and sometimes its something so small like having a good meal. also I'm a marathon runner and have always loved working out but switching up my workout routines to do something different has helped me too. its true that you kind of have to decide youre just sick of being miserable and actively seek out other ways to make you happy Link to comment
bison67 Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 I get all that stuff. I do all i can to move on, try to talk to myself and forgive myself, but for some reason my heart wont forgive myself, i dont know how to control it. And how do you pour embers on those flames? Like what do i do, i can say out loud a million times i forgive myself, im moving on, blah blah blah, i say it all the time but i dont know how my heart can accept it. Im damaged by this even the death of friends and family doesnt trigger the slightest bit of emotion. Im terrified Ive tried dating, met some nice girls, had fun and i thought it was great, then i would leave that girl and go home and the same thing, dreams of her, thought all the time, first thing every morning the same flatline routine of the past year. I read that you dont choose who you love and that the heart works in mysterious ways and that maybe one day itll be "poof" no more pain. They call it "falling" in love cause it just happens like it did to me and many others. Im just trying to climb out of that hole called love now and i cant see the surface! Im so incredibly scared ill never move on, suicide is a better option. Link to comment
bison67 Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 Bison, do you expect some magic spell to come out of the mouth of the posters here and alliviate your pain? These little truths that you name blant, worked for us and we are kind enough to share them with you. You perceive them as blant because you are impatient. You want quick solutions. It doesnt work like this. True you do plenty of external things to try to move on, not really sure if you look inside you for answers, why were you attracted to this lady, what went wrong, what was your contribution, what was hers? Closure comes from inside,with the understanding why the story developped the way it did. thanks for that, trust me i have learned and analyzed this as much as humanly possible in the past year. Break up 99.99% my fault, learned my mistakes, but its feels useless now as i dont feel i can apply what ive learned to a new relationship. Everyone says im a better kinder person now, but i still feel empty and unavailable. They saying moving on has no time from and some people do it in a week and some in a year, so theorttically some could take 10 years??? And is it possible some people with the biggest hearts have heard time moving on? Like some people are genetically predisposistioned to love harder, stronger, and longer then others just like some people are more likely to get cancer or suffer form addiciton? I just feel like a rare case of heart break and cant see the end. I want to soooo badly, im being so pateint Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 People are not predisposition end to love harder, stronger, deeper. I think your problem is that you feel responsible for the demise of the relationship. And that is hindering you forgiving yourself. Link to comment
trust101 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Who are these people you know that just flick off a switch and get over someone? Tell them to make an account here and share their strategies, or better yet write a book if they aren't the generous type. Everyone heals at their own pace. If it takes you 10 years to get over this girl, then it takes you 10 years. It doesn't matter what advice or guidelines you adhere to, it depends on you. You're saying the advice given to you by other posters, who took their valuable time to give it, is 'bland' and sounds so obvious; but you know why people keep repeating the same 'obvious' things, over and over and over again? Because no matter how many times they hear it, they don't FOLLOW IT. Which is why you see a lot of threads with the words "help! I broke no contact," or some thing of the sort. You said you know you'll never have her back, so that's a start. But now, you may love her forever but you have differentiate between the love you have for her now to the one you HAD for her when you were WITH HER. It's not the same. Why? Because you will find it has limitations. You only love from afar, and the memory of her. Start with that. Link to comment
No1 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I can land a B747 in a crosswind... up to 17kt after that it gets a little tricky. Bison, If you think all the advice is crap then what is it you want to hear? At some point you are just going to have to man the heck up and admit that its over. NC isnt helping because you think about her every single day. Its like you wake up and you choose to feel that pain again. You want to relive pain because thats what you feel that you deserve. If you cant be with your X then being in pain is a way that you feel connected with her. In your first post all you said was that you messed up and you have all this guilt. People suggest to shed the guilt and all you say its crap. Ill be the first one to tell you that all advise you get here is way easier said than done. Its easy for me to say "Shed the guilt" but its harder for you to actually do it. What I gather is that you are running around in circles with everyone telling you what to do but not how to do it. Example... You said land a B747 in a cross wind.. So what you do is that when you are 12mi out on final you better be established on the ILS with at least flaps 2 at a speed of 160-180kts depending on weight, then as you get closer you bleed off some speed to approach speed (about 155kt) but make sure you are above Vso when you get to flaps 3. The gear goes down at 8-13mi out (remember you are going 3miles/3min). With a cross wind the Auto throttle should still be engaged, youll feel the wind blow you from one side, remember that the nose goes IN To the wind. Now two ways you can land in a cross wind. But remember that the Auto Pilot must be disengaged no lower than 500' AGL and well above DH. #1. The Wing Low method where you keep the Nose straight down the centerline and control your path with the bank.. but its not great when you want to land a B74 Heavy but okay for a smaller plane. Or #2 You use the rudder to control your path with the nose into the wind.. then during the flare you yaw the nose down the center Line. Thats how you land a plane during a cross wind. Now how do you shed guilt? You admit that its over and you cant change what is done. You are not the first guy to make mistakes and as I type this out there are tons of guys that are making huge mistakes now. The thing is that we have to learn from them. This girl is not your perfect girl. You might think she is, but she is not. If she was she would still be with you today despite your mistakes. So quit with the notion that she was the ONE for you, she is not. If you didnt make the mistake you dont know if she would of broke up with you months after you messed up anyway. So forgive yourself because you dont know what the future would of held, but what I do know is that you are not in her future. So get over it and accept. Link to comment
East4 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 No1, you also need landing clearence from ATC. Bison, look you make a mistake on landing the jumbo -you dead. You screw a relationship -you still alive and kicking, a lil bruised, but hey alive. So, you got the easier thing to deal. Also, from your previous thread, your ex was a promiscuous girl, and quite tacky if i may-she insisted to fill you in on all the guys she slept with right after the break up. This is very traumatic. Nobody wants to know this, and 4 guys in a week-wow, she's a champion. Do you really wanna be with a girl who uses sex as validation? This points out to massive immaturity or even worse. Link to comment
bison67 Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 Thanks guys, and trust me i know she's a messed up little girl and has big issues so im confused on why i still love her. Its baffling and quite bizarre to me still that when i hear another girl with her name my heart skips a beat, or something triggers a memory and i cant talk. I dont get it. I know she isnt the girl for me anymore, just the pain for some reason is still so real everyday. Well just gotta keep fighting the good fight i guess, trust me i want to get over her, i dont want to feel this pain. Thanks alot for the advice everyone, i hope it helps me move past this sticking point. Link to comment
Lucha Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Thanks guys, and trust me i know she's a messed up little girl and has big issues so im confused on why i still love her. Its baffling and quite bizarre to me still that when i hear another girl with her name my heart skips a beat, or something triggers a memory and i cant talk. I dont get it. I know she isnt the girl for me anymore, just the pain for some reason is still so real everyday. Well just gotta keep fighting the good fight i guess, trust me i want to get over her, i dont want to feel this pain. Thanks alot for the advice everyone, i hope it helps me move past this sticking point. I'm in the same boat! If you happen to find your way out of this pityhole then by all means let me know Verzonden vanaf mijn iPhone met Tapatalk Link to comment
InRecovery89 Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Hi bison67, I'm not sure how much new I can offer you, but I felt compelled to write since your situation sounds incredibly like mine. Together for 2 years, broken up since late 2013, I idolised her to an absurd degree, she was my 'saving angel', the whole 9 yards. I fell back into addiction and depression but didn't tell her for 10 months, ad she told me at the beginning of the relationship that if that happened she didn't want to hear anything about it and that that's something I and I alone would have to deal with. What I realised, and from what I can tell from your story what may be helpful for you to realise, is that we think it's 99.9% our fault - but it's not. I'm not saying it's THEIR fault instead, but I am saying that there is shared responsibility, especially when your partner has fundamental issues going into the relationship. One thing that really helped me - though clearly not enough, as I still obsess over her every minute of every day 18 months later - is understanding attachment theory and why people relate the way they do in relationships. The book 'Attached' by Emir Levine and Rachel Heller was a real eye-opener for me, and helped me to understand why I felt so utterly dependent on the relationship while she was able to seemingly flip a switch and not care when it ended. Again, just so you know you're not alone in this, here's what I go through: wake up, think of her instantly. Start my day imagining all the loving gazes and promiscuous adventures she must be having with her new (attractive) boyfriend, made all the worse for me somehow by the fact that she comes off as really innocent but is really frisky. Walk down the street and think I see her 50 times a minute, to the point where I think I may be suffering from 'hypervigilance', a typical symptom of PTSD. Any mention of Ireland, where she's from, in a book I'm reading or throughout my day makes me think of her, because obviously my ex = Ireland and everything about it (I live in Scotland so references to Ireland pop up constantly - the recent duo of St Patrick's Day and Ireland winning the 6 Nations rugby tournament felt like she was somehow cosmically 'winning'). At random points throughout the day I'll imagine how happy she is without me and in the arms of her new guy, and it feels like someone is pulling my heart down to the floor while kicking me in the gut and my whole body feels like it's sinking downwards. Every day. What I've realised is that this isn't about them - it's about our fundamental insecurities with ourselves. That fact still hasn't allowed me to find peace, but it does empower us and help us to realise that, in fact, it's not them who holds the power over our recovery - it's us. I've got a thread going on a very similar titled 'Torturing myself with thoughts of ex being with her new partner' that may be helpful for you: I don't know how, but we'll get through this. I've started psychotherapy as well as an anti-depressant, but it's early days yet. Get in touch if you want to hash things out. Link to comment
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