18 Months since BU, no longer moving on, stuck, confused, and desperate.

[bionicgt]

I totally understand how you feel. I don't wish this upon nobody...

[Destiny15]

Brother. You sounds so much like me its concerning and I am 6 months out however you have given me a glimpse what another year looks like. I too think about looking back on this 10 or 20 years down the track thinking I lost the best thing that ever happened to me.

First few months were a blur now settling into depression that is consuming me. I think about her 24/7, from the time I wake up until I go to sleep.

I feel like the breakup my fault was too and all i do is ruminate about what was and what I would give to go back a year. I would give everything I own, I would give my soul. I would give my life if it meant I could experience those 2 years over again. I dont care, she made me happy, content and fulfilled. Now I live in regret, in pain, in the past and basically hell.

Unfortunately perspective does not help. Sure I have my health, family, friends, good job and interests but I'm dead inside. So selfishly, this all does not matter. Nothing matters without her. I know what it was like to be happy with someone, I feel like i had something most people search their entire life for so now I have something to compare it too. That, as good as it was at the time, has become curse.

I am seeing a therapist, I tried anti-depressants for a few months but did not help. I 've tried dating.

Most people do move on. Some people don't however managed to live with the pain, like someone that has lost a loved one to death.

Unfortunately, you and me my friend must fall in the minority that no one else would understand.

I too, think about death everyday. I dont think I could ever commit suicide however an accidental death or from an illness would ideal.

Im sorry your going through. Im sorry your in this hell. I dont know what to do to get out or if I ever get out.

I just want to let you know you are not alone.

[pavlo81]

Thanks guys, and trust me i know she's a messed up little girl and has big issues so im confused on why i still love her. Its baffling and quite bizarre to me still that when i hear another girl with her name my heart skips a beat, or something triggers a memory and i cant talk. I dont get it. I know she isnt the girl for me anymore, just the pain for some reason is still so real everyday. Well just gotta keep fighting the good fight i guess, trust me i want to get over her, i dont want to feel this pain. Thanks alot for the advice everyone, i hope it helps me move past this sticking point.

Im in same boat mate. ...3 yr relationship 10months on I have the same symptons...that no1 guy has good advice he also gave me some....for me its the loneliness and being rejected has made me feel ugly inside and out....I want you to know tour not the only one who feels these things.....I wish I could have a beer with ya man

[maccerz]

I'm so sorry and sad to hear you're having such a tough time getting over her. A friend of a friend mine lost a parent last year and has been having a very tough time getting on with their life, she started doing this meditation class and she claims it's saved her. It's all about focusing on this very minute in time, not looking back or forward, just focusing on right now. I know meditation is something a lot of people turn their noses up to (I would have been the same) but it's helped my friend a great deal with her grief. Couldn't hurt to try!! There are meditation schools all over the place

[kayleezen]

Hi bison67,

New here but your post grabbed my attention. .

I don't agree with a lot of what is being said.

I don't think you are choosing to be stuck and wake up in pain every day,

it sounds like you've done a lot of positive things for yourself in this process. .

 

Just had to throw that out there☆

kayleezen

[gone]

Hey Bison - it's been 18 months since my ex and I broke up, too. Did I think that after 1.5 years I'd still think about it? Yes. I thought I'd never get over it. Part of why for me was because my ex lied to me and treated me very poorly. But I had a lot of anger. Like you, I had cherished dreams of a future together with my then-boyfriend. I was very attracted to him and I thought he was the love of my life - I even told my father that, that I had finally found the person for me. While my ex acted in horrid ways, actually a lot of it would not have happened had I not loved him enough to keep giving him chances. (That's not to blame me, though.)

Anyway, I am here to say, I don't know what it takes to get over your ex. Like you, the end for me is not yet in sight, but I will give you the advice I am taking for myself:

 

1. YOU MUST DATE OTHER PEOPLE. Get an online profile and USE IT. Doesn't matter how you feel about it - get out there and date. In the worst case, you will meet friends and start changing your social life a little. At best, you will meet a new partner.

 

2. Explore a hobby or something you love and indulge yourself. For me, I went back full throttle into a sport that I love and I now play 4 times a week. It makes me feel great and reminds me of who I used to be, and also I set goals within my sport that I am excited about. Plus, your hobby is all yours. It's a nice thing.

 

3. Date yourself. Do you want to go somewhere or do something or have someone do something nice for you, but you're single? That's not a problem! Take yourself out for a date! Go do fun things and treat yourself. I date myself all the time. I get ice cream, I go clothes shopping, I go to the beach...things I would like to do with a SO but not having one doesn't stop me from enjoying these pleasantries. It should improve your mood.

 

If you're having trouble sleeping, spend less time indoors and online and more time outside being physically active, even if it's manual labor.

[kayleezen]

Hi Bison67...

I hope you are feeling a bit better since this post a couple days

ago...What I'm hearing here, is a pretty severe episode of depression, which was specifically triggered by this break up.

 

I'm not negating true love and the feelings you had for this girl but I think we have moved on from grief to a depressive episode.

Does anyone in your family have depression? I know you mentioned a counselor and some medication. I would revisit that.

 

Also the stuff she told you about what she did with other guys right after your break up could have been traumatizing and triggered the depressive episode as well. It was actually very emotionally abusive for her to say those things although I'm sure she didn't do it on purpose.

 

Move away from all the "move on," comments and look into your mental health...

Feel free to ask any questions you like. .

 

blessings,

kayleezen

[Kadbanoo]

People are not predisposition end to love harder, stronger, deeper.

 

I think your problem is that you feel responsible for the demise of the relationship. And that is hindering you forgiving yourself.

 

I really agree with this - the feeling responsible is hindering forgiveness/moving on.

 

My boyfriend of 14 months left me almost a year ago - I'm 46 and this was the first time I had been dumped (I'd certainly had dates/flings that didn't work out but all of my long-term relationships -5 and 12 years, and my 8-year marriage - ended amicably and I'm still close friends with all of them today.) This last breakup was a slash-and-burn by my ex - completely cutting me out of his life, saying he didn't love me anymore etc etc - and he was angry with me for so long afterward, still lashing out seven months after the breakup. I knew I had treated him poorly, so I just suffered with the couldas/wouldas/shouldas for months and months.

 

I fell into a deep depression about four months after the breakup, spurred by the breakup, but intensified by loneliness - living alone in a big city, being kind of abandoned by friends who just thought I was too sad - and I started thinking of suicide every day for about two months... I knew I had to get help or I would die and I started seeing a psychologist specializing in EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) therapy, originally used to treat soldiers with PTSD. It was to specifically help with "rewiring" your brain to elongate yourself from painful/traumatic memories. I also started taking a combination of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, for a total of 3.5 months to get me stabilized. She also recommended staying away from forums like these because you are just immersed in other people's pain all the time, which does not help.

 

I have been off the meds now for about three+ months but still see my therapist weekly. About two months ago, my depression lifted and my sadness toward the end of the relationship lifted as well. I was able to see the flaws in my ex (take him of the pedestal) and realize that even if I "got the ball rolling" with my bad behavior, that each of us contributed to the final demise. I have worked with my therapist to understand the roots of my poor treatment of him and learn to work on my issues (controlling my anger) that have always caused me problems.

 

I contacted him a few weeks ago and have had friendly, fun contact almost daily- sharing photos, etc. and as he opened up about the pain he felt, it gave me a natural opening to apologize for my role, something I had never had the chance to do because he didn't want contact with me in the months after the breakup. This contact really helped me continue to move on, forgive myself and be even more at peace with the break up.

 

If you are feeling suicidal you MUST MUST MUST look for professional help. DO NOT get down about not "moving on" - anyone that told me to just "move on" got a big f*ck off in my head - we are not robots, we are human beings and we all process pain, loss, etc. differently. Just recognizing you are feeling stuck is a great step. Take care!