invisibleheart Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 19 days and counting... Ugh am so tempted and struggling lately to look at his page... But no. No. No. I wanna be proud of myself, wib the least I can do for now. A day at a time. Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 Hi invisibleheart hope you're doing okay. I still have 25 days left and then tagging on another 14 to make up for posting on my social media last weekend. I'm really struggling and it's mainly due to the weather (blissful sunshine in London) and the fact my family are ignoring me whenever I mention anything. Feel utterly alone. My friends are listening but I don't want to say too much as I don't want to lose everyone. I just still want him back and I know it's never happening. This weekend has seriously sucked. Not said a single word to anyone. Not tempted to be in touch or look on social media or even post myself just really struggling. Link to comment
chamachama Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Hi invisibleheart hope you're doing okay. I still have 25 days left and then tagging on another 14 to make up for posting on my social media last weekend. I'm really struggling and it's mainly due to the weather (blissful sunshine in London) and the fact my family are ignoring me whenever I mention anything. Feel utterly alone. My friends are listening but I don't want to say too much as I don't want to lose everyone. I just still want him back and I know it's never happening. This weekend has seriously sucked. Not said a single word to anyone. Not tempted to be in touch or look on social media or even post myself just really struggling. I think you are doing really great actually. OK so there is a reason that you have the compulsion to talk to everyone about him all the time. Its because the loss your relationship with him left a void. Its basically like walking around with this gigantic hole in your chest and obviously you have to talk about it.... I mean its this huge hole and you're walking around with it every day! Like "ouch look at this hole! Its super painful! Can someone help me with it please!". Of course you can't talk about anything else! If I had a huge hole in my chest I wouldn't be able to talk about anything else either. Its normal and healthy to think about it this way because of the exact reason I posted my last post on your thread. The only way to start filling in that hole and make it smaller is by filling it back in with new experiences. Things that you never experienced when you were with him. New things that you can talk about that don't lead at all back to your time with him. For example, if you joined a road biking or co-ed softball link removed group and you really enjoy doing it and the new friends you're making and you've never done that before... you can then talk about softball or biking without thinking about him. You'll finally have something else to speak about aside from that gaping hole in your chest... Does this make sense at all? Again, doing "new" things that have nothing at all to do with him, and everything to do with YOU is the best way possible to stop the bleeding and really start to heal at a faster pace. New is synonymous to healing... Anything new. Even volunteering at a homeless shelter or kids with cancer or even a link removed group that gets togeteher socially for drinks etc.... anything that you've never done before will help fill in the hole... Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 Thank you chamachama. That's such a lovely and great post!! Exactly what I needed after today. Thank you!! Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 In the process of organising to go on a blind date.... feels so bizarre when I never wanted to be dating again.... Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 In the process of organising to go on a blind date.... feels so bizarre when I never wanted to be dating again.... You doing great DaisyHope.Some things dont just go as we wish or plan.Go for it !You never know how it may turn with new date.Time to be happy again !! Link to comment
miss_sunshine Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Well I stuffed up last weekend after I was drunk from a hens night and looked where I should not and found out he has a live in girlfriend, they have been together for months, they are both overseas together at his girlfriend sisters wedding. It is a girl from his work and I a quite sure he was already cheating on me to move on that quickly. At the very least emotionally, if not physically. It was a horrible weekend but im much better this week. I can see him now for the liar he was! I still idealize him in a lot of ways but the rose coloured glasses are slowly coming off now. I am trying super hard to stop asking myself how and why and just accepting it is what it is. He was too weak to actually talk to me about his issues and just left for someone new after all the love I gave him for 11 years. I hope one day he falls flat on his face and realises what he had and how much I loved him. For now though I just need to hold my head up high and move on. Good luck to you all xxxxx Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 Oh no. So so sorry to hear that. If it's any consolation it'll happen to us all at some point as in knowing there's someone new. I've convinced myself of it already as a means to stop myself contacting. Even though I can't as I don't have any contact details. I was going to break my own ban on social media tomorrow but I'm thinkING I am going to try not. I hate thinking of the sinking feeling you felt and feel in knowing there's someone new. Please stick on thus thread and keep us all posted. We've got 19 days left until the official end of lent...I'm tagging on 14more days due to stuffing up by posting photos on my social media. Hope everyone's okay. update us all.xx Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 P's the 'new' relationship in my opinion is going to fall flat. He had 11 years with you and he's now in honeymoon phase with someone else. I don't wish bad things on people and she may be an innocent party in this that I wouldn't want heartbroken too but his feelings for you won't have disappeared not after that length of time. Continue to leave him well alone and yourself a mystery. I'm sure you're in his thoughts and things will be a constant reminder. JuSt his head has been turned....let's see how it all plays out. I don't mean to give you false hope. Perhaps he has moved on but I don't believe moving on quickly is good for anyone. Read a thread on getting back together called something like 'why dumpers always come back' that explains what I'm trying to say.x Link to comment
dave_1966 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 For Gods sake, Facebook is not the real world. I have a friend who divorced earlier this year and all his posts were of him and his ex living the dream, it was a sham. Facebook, and other similar media, are just data capture machines to find out what brand of cola you like. I was royally finished with a month or so ago, and one of the first things I did was de-friend my ex and one or two of her grotty friends on FB even though I rarely look at it. You need to do this also, and any contact with an ex should be made in the real world, using a phone to arrange a meeting in the flesh on your terms. It's too damn easy to click a 'like' button, and it has no value at all in any sense. Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 Dave_1966 that's exactly why we're doing this... social media is ridiculous. Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 13 days to go.... and then what?? ARGH!! Thoughts? I'll just carry on I guess but I feel like I should mark it somehow and set a new 'challenge' on top of it.... Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Do set new challenge...that has nothing to do with him. Make the focus something.positive for you. Link to comment
invisibleheart Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I failed ugh miserably... When I am almost there. *sigh* Link to comment
miss_sunshine Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Ok I am restarting from tomorrow. It will be exactly 2 months until my birthday and in that time I will not check FB, instagram and anything else to do with him, his family, friends or his new gf. I will also hit the gym hard and lose another 5kg in the next 2 months, I will eat better and actively try to shift my thoughts when I find myself obsessing over him. Here goes... Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 How Invisibleheart? Try not to dwell or beat yourself up just restart...x Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 I think I'll just continue as I am and I do need to take up the date in a couple of weeks. Worried it'll set me back further rather than helping me. Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 I feel like heartbreak is a madness today. I don't want to be having memories popping into my head. I want to forget him. I don't want to miss him or think of him or wonder what he's doing or who he's with. I don't want to care about him anymore and yet I do. He's not giving me a second thought so why am I burdened with it. Even if he were to come back (which he wont) I'm not sure I'd want him anymore. I just wish I'd never met him. It's not taught me any lesson other than not being able to trust and how wrong it is to let my guard down. I know I deserve better and yet I'm stuck still wanting him but I don't want him. It's actual madness and so unfair that I can't get him out of my head. I miss it so much I miss us as a couple and the weekends we spent doing inconsequential things. It feels like utter madness and I wish I knew a magic cure to rewind time and to unmeet him or meet him and not be interested or know what I know now as to him being a complete cad and leaving Me.how can I want him and despise him at the same time. How can two people still seem so perfect for each other and yet hate who he is And wish he weren't going on living his life regardless and being happy. I SHOULD want good for him and I just can't. Not unless he comes back but that won't happen and it's just plain wrong.how could he have claimed everything he did and then behave the way he did. I know he's allowed not to want to be with me I just can't see how he can't want it when we were so spot on and he allowed me to believe that. Sorry I'm ranting I know. Just a difficult day. Beautiful weather and I know he's probably making the most of it possibly with someone new. I hate this madness and I don't ever want to put myself back out there because he's destroyed all trust and hope and wish for it with anyone else and why would I want anyone else when I can still remember and want what I had with him. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 >>I can't get him out of my head. I miss it so much I miss us as a couple and the weekends we spent doing inconsequential things. It feels like utter madness Honey, this isn't about him being your one true love, this is about obsession. Keep in mind that stress (and a breakup is stressful) can bring about biochemical changes in the brain and trigger obsession. Obsession has been clearly shown to be linked to biochemical imbalances, and is very treatable with medication. Your brain is stuck in a groove and latched onto him, and you need to jumpstart yourself out of that groove. It is normal to be obsessed for a certain period of time after a breakup, but it is not normal to be totally obsessed months after a breakup, or deeply obsessed after a short relationship. But if you are still obsessing and going over the same thoughts and memories again and again after months have passed, you have kicked into a biochemically obsessed state and could seriously benefit from medication and some talk therapy. Brain chemistry does usually right itself but it can take a long time in some people (years) which is why going to a doctor is very important to help you fix this and help your brain right itself again so you can let go of these thoughts. People who get treated for obsession usually wake up one day when their medication kicks in and say, 'i have no clue why i was so obsessed with X, Y, and Z' and they suddenly feel lighter, happier, and able to focus on other things besides these obsessive thoughts. Your brain is like a hamster running on a wheel and you can't break out of that. Your ex is the center of that wheel you are spinning, and you have to get off that wheel to get better. Look at how your mind is working now honey. You can't get off that wheel. It's a beautiful day instantly translates to 'I'm sure he's enjoying this beautiful day with someone else, poor me!' Then, 'ooh I miss him so much. I want him back. No i don't. Yes I do. No i don't'. 'How could he say he loved me then leave me. How could he say he loved me if he didn't mean it.' 'We were perfect we were perfect we were perfect. were were spot on we were spot on. how could be be perfect and not work out?' Round and round you go. Archetypal obsession! All roads and every thought jumps back to him. Your brain is stuck in a groove, has latched onto him and and those pathways are burned in your brain and flooded with the WRONG chemicals to keep that loop going. Everything translates to him, and you keep having the same thoughts over and over and it doesn't change anything at all. I've been watching your posts for a long time honey. You need to get in there and get treated for depression and obsession because it is 6 months after the breakup. You can't think your way out of this, you've already tried for months and months and you're still white knuckling it. Wouldn't you REALLY like these thoughts to stop? Wouldn't you like to have peace and just enjoy a day again without your mind running in this meaningless groove over and over thinking about a man who is long gone? It is time to get some treatment. You need to fight for yourself and gain control of your mind back again, and medication and therapy will be the start of that. And try googling 'thought stopping' and start practicing it to wean yourself off him until you can get help and give the meds time to work. Please make sure to tell the doctor you have seriously obsessive thoughts and are stuck on him, so that they can prescribe the right medication for you. The problem now is no longer him or the breakup. The problem is obsessive thoughts, and you need to deal with them. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 >>hate this madness and I don't ever want to put myself back out there because he's destroyed all trust and hope and wish for it with anyone else and why would I want anyone else when I can still remember and want what I had with him. Ant that... of course it is not true! The heart is amazingly resilient and we can love again and again and love multiple people. This is the obsession talking! 'Nobody but him. Only him. Only him. My man. My man. My man.' Except he isn't your man, he isn't your God, he isn't the be all and end all in this universe full of lovely men out there waiting for your if you will just do what it takes to kick this obsession and set yourself free from obsessive thoughts by getting treatment for them. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 >>hate this madness and I don't ever want to put myself back out there because he's destroyed all trust and hope and wish for it with anyone else and why would I want anyone else when I can still remember and want what I had with him. And that... of course it is not true! The heart is amazingly resilient and we can love again and again and love multiple people over a lifetime. This is just the obsession talking! 'Nobody but him. Only him. Only him. My man. My man. My man.' Except he isn't your man, he isn't your God, he isn't the be all and end all in this universe full of lovely men out there waiting for you if you will just do what it takes to kick this obsession and set yourself free from obsessive thoughts by getting treatment for them. Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 DaisyHope...believe me i do know how you feell.I was reading the other day an article about letting go...the reality is that it has nothing to do with our self estim.We can be really successful in our carrer,wealthy and blessed physically ,but when we love someone unconditionally we just love them...just because the relationship ended does not mean love in our hearts did.If its true love remains in our souls for a very long time.In my case ,i cannot force myself to erase the love i have for my ex in my heart...we dont quit loving people ,we just have to learn to live without them.I may allways love my ex ,but i accept that does not not mean i will have a life ,a family with him,and i am ok with that.It is what it is.I know is not easy...we cannot force anything.I stil miss him and i am not healed completely...But Daisy Hope nothing is ever lost,everything transforms.Hugs !! Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 It does have to do with self esteem. Success and self esteem are not synonyms. And loving someone "unconditionally" is usually a synonym for co-dependent relationship behavior. Letting go ---- is accepting that the moments we cherish will always be ours, and that the future belongs to us as well. But letting go in your heart means opening up your heart to love again....and if you are focused on the ex from your past, you will never find the love of your future. Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 It does have to do with self esteem. Success and self esteem are not synonyms. And loving someone "unconditionally" is usually a synonym for co-dependent relationship behavior. Letting go ---- is accepting that the moments we cherish will always be ours, and that the future belongs to us as well. But letting go in your heart means opening up your heart to love again....and if you are focused on the ex from your past, you will never find the love of your future. Maybe u right mhowe !! i kind of found someone i clicked with ,a ,,friend ''.We are both atractted to each other,but we both like,,the intimate friendship'' as it is for right now.We are just getting to know each other.I also went out last night to dance club...for different guys asked me to dance with them,but none of them i found attractive and my friend girl thought i am shallow ...maybe i am just vain,but i am not going to get close to someone i am not atracted to.I know i will eventually have to move on ....and as one of my dear friends stated,,tears during intimate moments'' mean,im not healed completely... Link to comment
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