chamachama Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Well done Invisibleheart!! You're doing great!! I'm on day 5 officially however if I mark it from Wednesday which is the official start of lent (I think) then I'm on day three!! WE CAN DO IT!! Still toying with getting in touch on his bday but like Chamachama said, why open myself up to the hurt.... just goes against who I am, NOT to be in touch on a birthday with ANYONE, much less the guy I adored!! As far as the birthday thing goes, and I hope that you don't mind my input on this... BUT, while you are going with who you are as you say...who you are is the girl that he no longer wants to be with "in his mind". By contacting him, and showing him again who he "knows you are", he validates is reasoning in his mind. Does that make any sense to you? The reason why they say NC "sometimes" results in the dumper questioning their decision is for exactly this reason. In order to break up with someone, a dumper paints their ex with a specific color of their own choosing. You ARE this color to them. And the more you are YOU in front of them by contacting them after a breakup... the more they feel justified and see that same exact color they thought you were. It pushes them away farther. Not the other way around you see. If you take away the contact and stop being that color and move on with your life in a healthy positive way without them in it... all of a sudden you stop being that color to them. Just like your mind plays tricks on you after a breakup (we've all been there before) and you think contact will go a certain way " hey I'll contact him and say happy birthday and he will think its so sweet and miss having someone in his life that will remember things like that and care about him." When in reality he will most likely see it as you pining for him and pathetic and transparent. He will see you as exactly the same person (color) they broke up with in the first place (he knows you remember?), resulting in him possibly ignoring it or being indifferent and just replying "hey thanks.". So just like your mind plays tricks like that and gives you false realities... a dumpers mind "might" do the same thing eventually IF you stop the contact. If you go strict NC, eventually they might start painting you as another color in their minds. They might actually start to wonder about you and how you're doing. They stop thinking of the reasons they didn't want to be with you so much. Why? Because you are not there in contact all the time anymore holding up that sign saying "Hey look at me! I'm that color you painted me as! You were right to not want to be with me!" Maybe they start remembering certain scenarios that attracted them to you in the first place again... They question things in their own mind on their own. At that point, sometimes (more times than none) a dumper reaches out eventually... But hopefully by that time, with enough NC and healing behind you and the new healthy life you created without them... hopefully you will be able to make a much better and more clear decision as to if you actually even want that person back or not... But at least you might have the option to make the decision. Contact of any sort usually results in killing any hope in having the option ever again. THAT in my mind is basically the only way to get someone back. By moving from the box they put you in... and creating a better more exciting healthy life "for yourself".. without them in it.. Hope that all makes sense. And maybe, some of you will start to realize that NC works whether you want to move on or you want them back. The answer is still the same. NO CONTACT. Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 How is everyone doing? It's 40 days to go if we're going to the correct end of lent day!! Well done us!! Link to comment
miss_sunshine Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Hi DaisyHope, I'm going ok. Just came home from a night out with friends. It's 2am, I'm lonely, I want to check, but I won't do it. I just feel Iike I'm never going to meet someone new. No one approaches people anymore and noone ever approaches me. I'm just sad and lonely tonight but I am stronger than this! How are you going? Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 Well done you. I hope you stayed strong? Let me know. I'm really struggling. I think it's approaching my time of the month which doesn't help general mood but feel confused and sad again. That and the knowledge he'll be out and about meeting people and he just genuinely doesn't want to be with me. Urgh. Link to comment
miss_sunshine Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I did stay strong and I am determined to make it the 46 days and then keep on going. That is the worst thing thinking of them out and about meeting someone new and we are still here pining over them. Sucks totally. I just hope some karma comes their way.... Stay strong hon! xx Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I did stay strong and I am determined to make it the 46 days and then keep on going. That is the worst thing thinking of them out and about meeting someone new and we are still here pining over them. Sucks totally. I just hope some karma comes their way.... Stay strong hon! xx I went NC for 48 days since break up ...and just messed it up.i think some people done it worse . Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted February 22, 2015 Author Share Posted February 22, 2015 Don't worry...easier said than done I know just reset the NC clock and join us lot with the remaining 39 days....we'll all get through it together..... Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 Same situation DaisyHope...he called me back and wants to stay friends and hangout but will not come back .i m not going to.my bad for calling him.The proof that the person I knew no longer exists.i will never look at him with the same eyes...I stated to see someone else .we just friends .just slowly .in time I will be over him completely . Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I'm down! I was trying to think of something to give up for lent... This is perfect yup,im here with you guys...and my ex even said ,,how do i find you on facebook to add you '' ( we never were facebook buddies) ...i was like ,maybe later.....Thats the worst thing to add ex on facebook when u not healed compeltely....we not even ready each.He wants a friendship but on his terms....meaning if we talk and see each other not to bring up the past...he got defensive when i told him to seek help for his bipolar condition and the situation related to his custody of his children and that i always tried to help him but did not know how .i d be too emotional to see him.not a good ideea to stay friends when you are healing.....i go out a litlle bit right now which works better for me than stay home every weekend and cry over him. Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 How are we all doing? 37 days to go!! Link to comment
miss_sunshine Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Good thanks hon. We've got this haha Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 Feeling really sad. I have no way to contact him now as this morning I did something I've been stopping myself from doing since he broke up with me. I deleted ALL his and his family members text messages to me. These included photos and messages right from the day dot. So its a great move for me but just another hurdle that I've jumped over but feel sad about it. I know they're just words and believe me the memories still float around my head but it's still marking the fact its totally over and means I now have no way to contact him ( I didn't know his number) unless he contacts me which he won't. It helps with the birthday saga as I know I would have struggled with whether to message him or not even though I knew I shouldn't but now I definitely can't at the end of this month. Wow just feel so sad like I have no hope of desire to meet anyone else and he's as happy as Larry out and about meeting people and more importantly new girls. Yuck. So there we are. Thanks for reading Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Hugs !!! You ll feell better !! Link to comment
miss_sunshine Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Wow DaisyHope that is so strong of you! Well done. I know my exes phone number off by heart anyway so I would always be able to contact him even though his number is deleted out of my phone. I am so proud of you! I almost cracked yesterday, I had a really bad down day but I made it through. Keep on going, you are stronger than you know! Link to comment
invisibleheart Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Hi everyone, yes stay all strong. I myself is keeping up with this. 😊 Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 Sorry to hear you're struggling too by I guess comforting for us both. so random and typical that an ex of mine from years ago. Now married with two children got in touch with me yesterday. We've been in limited contact for years....The annoying part he's telling me I'm the one that got away that he still thinks about me a lot. 1.how can he say this when he's married with two children and 2. WHY CAN'T IT BE MY CURRENT EX!! Why on earth do they realise it when it's too late to do anything about it. Or in this case I could if I were ready to date but HE can't as he's married with children so I'm not even entertaining it. Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Sorry to hear you're struggling too by I guess comforting for us both. so random and typical that an ex of mine from years ago. Now married with two children got in touch with me yesterday. We've been in limited contact for years....The annoying part he's telling me I'm the one that got away that he still thinks about me a lot. 1.how can he say this when he's married with two children and 2. WHY CAN'T IT BE MY CURRENT EX!! Why on earth do they realise it when it's too late to do anything about it. Or in this case I could if I were ready to date but HE can't as he's married with children so I'm not even entertaining it. Oh ,DaisyHope interesting ....have u read my thread about 'reconnecting with my first love after 18 years ?? Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 Feel so disappointed in myself for me and everyone on here I feel I've let down too. I posted some things on to social media which he would have seen. I did it for me so I could have the photos, however I'm mad at myself that he would have seen something about my life. Really beating myself up about it. Link to comment
miss_sunshine Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Hi DaisyHope, don't feel bad and you definitely have not anyone down. Breakups are super hard. It's normal to struggle and make mistakes. Just keep your head high and keep moving forward. You can't change the past, so pick yourself up and keep going. I hope you are feeling better now? Link to comment
invisibleheart Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Having urge right now to look and stalk on his page... But no. Ugh. Having major set back. Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 As you'll see I faultered, I didn't look at his page but I did allow him in to 'my world' by posting... that said I'm now just going to tie on the days I stuffed up by doing that to the end of the actual end of lent!! I still think I'm doing really well. That said today I'm really struggling with missing him as I had a really vivid dream about him and his family home. Woke with a start this morning over it. Had me in a low all day as a result. Plus I'm getting to the point of thinking about how at some point soon, we'll have been split for almost half the amount of time we were together, and then it'll be the whole amount of time we'd have been together. URGH!! So hard. And still seems so pointless of him to have ended it... especially when I still don't know the reasons as to why aside from him just not wanting to be with me. STAY STRONG ONE AND ALL - YOU'RE DOING GREAT!! Link to comment
chamachama Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I still don't know the reasons as to why aside from him just not wanting to be with me. Him not wanting to be with you is all that matters. It doesn't matter why. It's tough to read through this thread and see good people bash their heads against a brick wall over and over again. The wall (contact with ex, pictures, social media) always wins, and your head always hurts after. You know the wall wins every time, yet you still hit it. You must not value your head as much as you value a guy who "doesn't want to be with you". Hoping that you eventually start to see that you are worth more than someone who doesn't want you. Some of you may have seen me post this before, but here is a story for this thread: A man found himself in the middle of a long hallway. In the middle of this long hallway was a solitary door. He walked up to the door and knocked on it. It was answered by a clown who proceeded to beat the living daylights out of him. The next day, the gentleman was in the hallway once more, and once more found his way to the door and knocked on it. Again, it was answered by the same clown and again, the clown beat him senseless. This occurred for 4 more days - the man would be in the hallway, go to the door, knock on it, and the clown would answer the door only to beat him senseless once more. On the 7th day, the man was once again in the hallway. He walked up to the door and knocked on it - but no one answered. So, he went looking for the clown. STOP LOOKING FOR THE CLOWN. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 >>I still don't know the reasons as to why aside from him just not wanting to be with me. Honey, you do know the reason why he ended it, you just don't want to really accept that he ended it. He wanted to end it because he wanted to end it. There could be a million things leading up to that, but all roads lead to the same reason, he ended it because he wanted to end it. End of story. Knowing every little excruciating detail as to why he finally came to that conclusion won't change the outcome and certainly won't make you feel better. Do you really want to know he dumped you because he decided your ankles were too thick, or your voice annoyed him, or he got bored with you, or he decided he wanted a girl who was smarter, or less smart, or with bigger hooters or with a bigger bank account or a better sense of humor, or who was kinky in a weird way, or who liked football as much as he does, or who his sister would like better, or who doesn't want kids, or who doesn't believe in marriage, or any number of a million reasons why people break up. You are stuck doing something I call 'looking for the magic key.' That magic thing that if he says it will make it all better. Or that you can hear and say, 'ah, but i'll change that' and then he'll magically want you back and take you back. Which most likely you can't change, and he's not interested in you anymore. So you need to focus on just accepting that people want what they want, and sometimes (many times) what people want changes over time. And many many relationships never make it to marriage, otherwise everyone would marry the first person they date, which they don't. Most people date a LOT of people and discover along the way they don't want to make it permanent. So you just have to learn to dust yourself off, and keep looking until you find that person who wants you as much as you want him, and permanently. Link to comment
DaisyHope Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 I have accepted it... I haven't wanted to but believe me I have and the fact I've deleted everything of his on my phone, including photos and messages from day dot including his number etc plus no longer looking at him or his friends on social media, and not getting in touch with him at the end of the month for his birthday - I've accepted it. Link to comment
chamachama Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 DaisyHope there is "hope" for you yet! Your decision to minimize your own pain by deleting pics etc... is very impressive. WTG on some real big steps toward healing and moving on! You're really showing some awesome strength, and your self worth must be growing as a result. You did those things with YOU in mind, not him. Bravo!!! Simply awesome. Let me ask you this... What have you done that is "new" since you were with your ex? Have you started any new activities? Traveled to new places? Met new cool people? If not, this should be your next awesome step toward being ok and feeling normal again... Start seeking out new healthy fun social activities that you've never done before but find that you really enjoy. Something that has nothing at all to do with him and the life you had, and everything to do with YOU and the new life you're now creating... Does that make any sense to you? Doing new things and having new experiences is how you start filling in the void left behind from ex's. It helps you think about and talk about new stuff instead of your ex... New is synonymous to healing in my book... It helps so much when you decide to get out there and have new adventures and try new things. It's an entire other level of healing. I hope you take the next step which is starting to lay the foundations of a new more exciting and satisfying life without your ex. If you need some ideas for what to check out let me know! Link to comment
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