Can't orgasm affecting relationship

[klvd]

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months. BEST SEX OF MY LIFE. Not overexaggerating it's amazing, I am so turned on by him I practically melt in his hands but I have a problem... I just can't orgasm. I can't do it, I get really close and then just lose it all together. I've only had one other serious intimate relationship and with him I was able to cum, the sex wasn't half as good with my ex and I was hardly physically attracted to him yet I could get off with him and not my current boyfriend who I find ridiculously attractive and who has really really really good sex with me, he hits all the right spots I just can't get over this hump, sometimes I get panicky when I get close. I think it's all in my head. I had some minor sexual abuse as a young teen that could be messing with me mentally. I told my bf this but He still isn't handling the no orgasm thing well, I tell him I'm satisfied without orgasming but it bothers him. He hadn't had sex with me in awhile... I have been practically begging for him all weekend and finally this morning he shoved me under the blankets so he could watch porn and get off.... It really really hurt my feelings, I woke up shook my boobs in his face, got up to get water and come back to him watching porn and it was a good 10 minutes before he even acknowledged me and shoved me under the blankets, then after he showered and that was that he didn't even touch me!! All bc I cant orgasm and his behaving this way is definitely only making it worse for me.

[klvd]

He tells me it's a turn off and it's killing me. He's hurting me so bad

[happpybear]

I woke up shook my boobs in his face, got up to get water and come back to him watching porn and it was a good 10 minutes before he even acknowledged me and shoved me under the blankets, then after he showered and that was that he didn't even touch me!! All bc I cant orgasm and his behaving this way is definitely only making it worse for me.

 

This guy is an azz. so he's gonna get all passive aggressive and punish you because he takes your lack of orgasm as an affront to his own sexual ability. I good partner would be understanding and not make you feel like crap. No wonder you can't lose yourself and let go, there is so much pressure. Dump this guy and find a real man

[pippy longstocking]

He is acting like a class A ass to be honest and the whole porn thing this morning was uncalled for ... he certainly has had is pride and his ego dented ...but that is his problem to wade through ...sadly many feel defeated if one partner doesn't reach orgasm ..it all comes from the ego ...you can't cum so he is a failure and he can't see the bigger picture .

 

He is going to end up making you a nervous wreck and you will never achieve orgasm .

[annie24]

what a jerk. the female orgasm is complicated and doesn't always happen. that's not a reflection of his love making skills, it's just biology. it's annoying that he's acting like a cranky toddler over it!! i think you need to sit him down and explain that you are really into the sex, just women don't always orgasm with sex, even if they are enjoying it. One thing that helps me is to stimulate my clitoris during sex, you can give that a try (either with fingers or with a vibrator), if he isn't going to get butthurt that you need some "help" getting over the hump. gah.

[klvd]

He does stimulate me. I can hardly even bring myself to a full orgasm anymore

[annie24]

are you on any new medication? it could also be the stress of knowing you have to orgasm for him, i mean, that's not a turn on.

[pippy longstocking]

go right back to the beginning ...inbetween your ex and your guy now ..was you ok ? could you sort yourself out and achieve orgasm ? If yes , then exactly when did this start ..and can you recall anything that happened , or anything in your thought process or anything he said ..or did you stop been able to even cum on your own before you got with your "new guy"

[klvd]

I didn't really have sex inbetween my partners. I didn't masturbate a whole lot either but yes I was able to get myself off inbetween my 2 boyfriends. I had a hard time learning to orgasm with my 1st bf. It took a couple of months but nothing like this. I was my exes first, my current boyfriend has a large sexual history, bugged me for awhile but I learned the past is the past and I can't change how many women he's been with but it definitely bothered me in the beginning of our relationship

[pippy longstocking]

so do think you felt sexually inadequate because he has had more partners ... well done by the way for letting the past stay in the past .

 

You said you just about get there ...do any thoughts run through your head just at the point where you are nearly there ?

 

I only ask because sometimes when I am on a solo mission , I suddenly start to think about what I need from the asda haha

[luxurylover]

i have a friend that had sexual abuse when she was younger and she's never had an orgasm. maybe that plays more of a factor than you think? but what stands out to me is ur partners lack of compassion. he sounds very immature. he could be more comforting and patient , im sure that would help at least some

[notalady]

Agree with the others, this guy is being an a s s. No good partner will ever react in any way other than being understanding and try harder next time. the fact that he's so egotistical that he's acting out because he couldn't get you off is his own problem.

 

If you had no problem having orgasms with your ex, I would say the fact that you are under pressure to orgasm created a mental block that makes it even harder to happen, you need to be relaxed and not be thinking and worrying about it for it to happen, which isn't going to happen as long as he keeps up this blame game.

[Andrina]

First things first, many women can orgasm more often and more easily when a man is performing oral versus penetration. If he's not doing oral, have him or a future partner try this.

 

Secondly, when you are having problems, your partner should be working with you in a positive way to solve it. If this is how he handles problems with you, in a defensive, negative, dismissive way, then that's how he'll handle other problems with you. I don't know why you'd spend another second with someone so uncaring.

[klvd]

There's plenty of foreplay plenty of oral, plenty of everything I love and enjoy. Like I said the sex is GREAT he hits all the right spots I just get anxious and can't orgasm. It's me its mental I know this I also know that after 6 months of sex it must be frustrating having a partner that won't orgasm, a month or two ago when he started to express how much it was bugging him is when I buckled down and did some research, I know what I have to do to orgasm but now as of late there's all this extra pressure from him and his attitude of telling me how much of a turn off I am that now I feel like I'm even farther from orgasm than before!

[greta96]

If he isn't capable of understanding that the sex itself is great for you, pleasurable and that you don't need the orgasm to be sexually satisfied, and if he pouts like a big baby because his ego is bruised, then he's not really the great guy that you're telling us he is. And the way he's treated you, shoving you under the covers while watching porn, is appalling. He really is an ass, whether you want to admit it or not. Talk about a turnoff in a guy...

 

I bet you that you won't have this problem with a nicer, kinder, more understanding guy. Time to look into finding one of those.

[faraday]

When I used to not play (with my little ponies) the way my daughter did (when she was 3), she would get mad, take the toy from me and play alone.

 

Do you see the similarities? She's 6 now, and she tells me what she wants my pony to do when we're playing...because she can effectively communicate.

 

Your bf is just a bit immature. Not sure if I would be able to handle dating someone that can't manage difficult situations.

[notalady]

When I used to not play (with my little ponies) the way my daughter did (when she was 3), she would get mad, take the toy from me and play alone.

 

Do you see the similarities? She's 6 now, and she tells me what she wants my pony to do when we're playing...because she can effectively communicate.

 

Your bf is just a bit immature. Not sure if I would be able to handle dating someone that can't manage difficult situations.

 

Omg best analogy I've ever seen! That cracked me up because it's so true haha...

[tiredofvampires]

First you have to know something: you can explain a woman's anatomy/responses to someone who is just ignorant, but if that someone is the sort of person who withholds affection and sex from you because you can't orgasm, and blatantly tries to make you feel inadequate (and what's up with "shoving you under the blankets"? sounds pretty coercive!)...that's a different story.

 

Orgasm is usually the end product of letting yourself go, feeling it's okay to let go -- usually for a woman, because there is a sense of trust.

 

OP, let's see if this guy you're with is trustworthy, someone who you'd want to give yourself over to, orgasmically:

 

From your last thread entitled, "Moved too fast. Trapped" (regarding supposedly this same man -- this is the thread after the other two threads about him, entitled, "Bf addicted to opioids" and "I think he's cheating"):

 

(emphasis mine)

 

And I'm not even sure why I didn't just bold the whole thing there -- I just took a few choice parts, but the whole thing is a part worth bolding, underlining, and italicizing.

 

You want to know how I picked this quote out? Your boyfriend is such a miserable, disrespectful person, I remembered your username. And your username in and of itself isn't that memorable (no offense.) Just so you know HOW bad this guy is, and the impression your posts made.

 

So you're with a bully. A control freak. He needs absolute control over you to feel power. Someone who pushes you so that he can take, take, take, take, take. He makes you do things you don't want to do (though you have given up your power to him, willingly). He punishes you when you object to anything. He manipulates, goads, and intimidates, using threats to get out of you just what he wants -- while at the same time being irresponsible. He demeans you, degrades you, and disrespects you.

 

Why would your body let you orgasm with such a person?

 

You know, people throw around the word love, because they feel a certain deep connection/magnetic attraction to someone, often fueled by sexual desire. You said in the OP of the above-named thread that the attraction was instant, and from there you fell down into this vortex of demands on his part and self-sacrificing, self-disrespecting behavior.

 

But that's not "love". Ask yourself: DOES THIS RELATIONSHIP FEEL LIKE LOVE? Don't ask your head. Ask your heart: is THIS what LOVE should feel like?

 

Being bullied almost from day 1? Forget the "but's" -- "But he does do xyz right" -- on whole if you put the good and the bad on the scales, (including how he's made you feel good both good and bad sexually) -- IS THIS HOW LOVE IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL?

 

Sexual fire is not love. It's a moment of extreme chemistry. It's like two substances reacting -- you put vinegar and baking soda in together, and they will foam up like crazy. That's not love. That's a reaction.

 

And you're reacting to something very old and deep and wounded by allowing this person to continue being in your life. He's a toxin to you that makes you feel temporarily high (which it sounds like you do seek out with weed, too). This relationship can't be fixed -- this dynamic will not change, it will only worsen.

 

So getting back to the question of how orgasms are achieved...how you expect to have one with all this backdrop? You say you can't trust him. And you're trapped. And bullied, and insulted. You knew there's more to it than his watching porn -- it's all all all alallalalalalllllllllll of this.

 

Again -- how do you expect to orgasm with such a man?

 

Your body is saying no. It's saying NO to this man, it's your way of protecting you.

 

There's a better way to protect yourself than preventing your orgasm with him (which is completely subconscious): LEAVE HIM. Leave him because he's an emotional abuser that will continue to make you feel less and less of a person, throwing you a nice bone every so often (no pun intended) to keep you hooked.

 

He's also a drug addict (and maybe unfaithful, and a liar) and going down the tubes, so he's probably intent on taking you with him. You're no better than property, or a dog on a leash to him.

 

Of course, if you had the courage to leave, and the ability to see all this to protect yourself, you wouldn't have "given up your life" for him, continuing to let him treat you this way. So I strongly suggest you get into therapy to work on your self-esteem and past abuse issues. They are going to really harm you if you don't address them.

 

You need to heal yourself so you can find a man who you are attracted to who you can also orgasm with, because he's not an abusive SOB. Find someone else, someone who knows how to love, who also knows how to find all your hot spots -- your "spots" aren't going anywhere, you get to take them with you!

 

This man can't be educated, because his heart is a lump of soot, and your body is saying, this is the last thing I have control over in this relationship -- it's not his for the taking. So you're right -- this IS in your head, but it's more than that, it's in this toxic relationship that has NO HOPE, and you will not be able to leave it, I can tell, unless you have a therapist helping you see how there is NO HOPE.

 

And I'll just add that if you don't leave, he will probably escalate the emotional abuse to physical abuse (if he hasn't already -- which I would say shoving you under the blankets is. Give him a while, and he'll be shoving you into walls and fixtures).

[tiredofvampires]

Also, because he's such a manipulative person and possibly a liar/someone who has cheated, you may be at risk for STD's.