Results of No Contact

[heloladies21]

So this girl I dated for 1 yr broke up with me a month ago saying all this "i need to live life" and "i'm confused about how I feel" and all that. So I let her go and do immediate No Contact. After only recieving a meaningless text message 2 weeks ago, she called me up a few nights ago. We made small talk for a few minutes and as I was about to push her off the phone, she asks me out to dinner to give me some money she owes me. I was pretty shocked she had the guts to do that. So as I hesistantly ask what night she was thinking about, I interrupt myself and tell her she can mail me the check instead. She was stunned and asks if I just don't want to see her anymore. I don't answer and give her an excuse to get off the phone. I felt really good about myself after I hung up because I think I handled it the right way, but today I am feeling a little guilty that I said no to her. My head and my gut both tell me that I did right, but heart is starting to want her more now. Is it normal for me to feel this way?

[Midvalley]

Your head will keep you safe, your heart will put your emotional state on the line.

Its really something that only you can decide, you know how you feel deep down, and what you want. I'd bet you already know your decision right now, and you're just asking for advice because you want someone to agree.

 

I agree, regardless of what it is.

[anotherone]

It was clear that ..The dinner was an excuse to see u. You did the right thing.

[heloladies21]

Yeah, I know I did right. She hasn't called me since, and she actually never sent me the money she owed me which I don't appreciate. I'm sure she'll pay eventually but I wouldn't do anything about it if she didn't. She's a good person and didn't do any of this on purpose and was civil about the breakup so I would listen if she really wanted to let me know she wanted me back, but I'm sure we'll never be back together again. Timing and circumstances just weren't right for her so she could never feel about me the way I was ready to feel about her. It's too bad that two people with really great chemistry and who really cared about each other just couldn't work things out.

[Belle]

helo,

i'm not 100% sure you did the right thing unless you don't want her back. women don't pursue in a big way like guys and you didn't give her a chance to spell it out. she clearly wanted to see you, and we don't know what she intended to say but she may have lost the nerve to say it when you rejected her. i'm not saying i know that she wanted to get back together, but i'm saying women are a lot subtler than guys.

[heloladies21]

I was crushed by the breakup and all of my trust in her has been lost. She's very nice, but I don't want her back because I don't think I could trust her ever again. She was cool during most of the conversation, but sounded aloof when she asked me to dinner, as if she expected me to say yes. I would need for her to at least apologize for what she did before I listen to what she has to say. I feel that agreeing to go out to dinner with her without that would put myself out there a little too far emotionally. I thought about agreeing to go along at that moment and I was just too scared that she would break my heart again.

[FleX]

Bah she'll be back if she really wants you. You just passed her first test. Question is do you want her back?

[twelve]

you still have feelings for her but are being defensive.

she may have changed and realised and maybe she deserves

another chance, but that's up to you.

maybe you should be a little more forgiving.

but then again, she didn't apologise.

then again, she may have done it at dinner.

if it were me, i wuld say, um, you really hurt me and now you want to go out to dinner?

an opener for her to apologise...elaborate...say what she really wants to.

i don't think shutting her out was a good idea, i don't think she'd feel comfortable contacting you again since she has been rejected.

Getting her back doesn't really solve anything.

If you want her, but are scared to trust her, contact her, go out with her, and see if she apologises at dinner and has changed.

if she has not, or does not, then you can call it quits.

What do you think?

[detox5]

Helo youve said something that interested me, and i can relate, you said she hurt you so why would she want to go to dinner with you, that you might be hurt again.

 

I thought the SAME thing, with my ex, I was like well doesnt she know she hurt me and that im sacrificing alot to kind of come out with her.

 

anyways, i thought i was the only one that was hurt, but dude deep down I was told girls hurt alot to after a breakup, it takes alot for them to end things.

 

So with that in mind, i realise that my ex was hurt after the breakup, maybe just as much as me, so she is risking alot in being hurt by the asking me out and stuff, so dude you need to think about that.

 

shes risking too, and shes willing to give that up, just to see you, doesnt that say anything to you?

[Snarfnaj]

She broke up with u because she wanted to experience life. I doubt if she's done experiencing after one month. Seems to me she was feeling kinda lonely when she contacted you and started thinking about what she lost. If she realized she made a mistake and wants you back she'll has to work hard to prove to you that she wants to be with you exclusively. There's a lot of trust she needs to rebuild in you and convince you she's worth to be in a loving relationship with you. I think you did well not to jump when she asked you to. If she seriously wants to get back with you she'll be contacting you again.

[detox5]

im not so sure she will follow, she was rejected when this dude said no, so you cant say if she likes him she will be back, if you think like that then yea she will be contacting in about 6 months or so. she might be in a position where she dont wanna get hurt cause he rejected her by saying no to her, she might not wanna proceed after being told no, she shes backing off, maybe this dude should take a s tep forward?

[cassiana]

If i asked an ex out I would be terrified. If he rejected me I would be crushed and think that he hated me. If she sounded aloof it might have been nerves. You should have gone i think.

[shockeddismayed]

It doesn't really matter whether you said no or not.... what matters are two things:

 

1) What do you want?

2) Did you leave the option open to get what you want?

 

From what you've said, for the moment you do not want her back because of your hurt trust.... but, IF (and it is a big IF) she can rebuild that trust, how would you feel then? If you think you might only be protecting yourself, and deep down you think you might want her back, then you should have answered a bit differently. Read **** below.

 

However if you know she could never make it up to you, you answered perfectly... you should move on now and stop looking in the past. If you don't think you can forgive her, then it is very likely she isn't the one for you.... you may know this already deep down, which is why you feel like you need to move on, and the easiest way to do that is focus on how she treated you and say "she can never make it up to me". To me if it was true love, you'd be willing to forgive and trust her again. It's TOTALLY OK to admit that you can't do that... it just suggests (in my way of thinking) that there is someone else out there for you (whom you could forgive). That is a fair attitude to take.... so if this is how you feel, stop reading now.

 

 

********

If on the other hand, you think that she might have been the one (or one of the ones), and you secretly want to get back together, then you should have answered aloofly, but with some positivity to keep the door open. Perhaps you could have said, "actually I'd like to go to dinner, but I'm going to be away/busy the next couple weeks. Perhaps you could just mail the cheque and give me a call in a couple weeks to set up a time." or "You know, I'd like to go to dinner with you, but this break-up has been tough on me, on both of us, so if all you want to do is give me a cheque, it might be better if you just sent it by mail." Either of those responses leave the door open a crack.

 

From the way you responded, I think you slammed it shut. See the hardest thing in a breakup is to truly see the other person's perspective... especially early on if there has been little "closure" or discussion.

 

As the other posters said, in many cases, women feel incredibly hurt by some of the behaviour we men do without realizing it. Something as simple as not holding hands in public, or whatever (it's different for everyone), can be enough to make them feel you are distancing yourself from the relationship. If they lack effective communication, they let this hurt build until they run from the relationship.

 

Only you know if this could possibly be the case.... and it will take time to sort that out. But IF that is a possibility, and she is now realizing what she missed out, or at least starting to, you need to give a little back and see how she responds.

 

It's all about baby steps.

 

My personal guess... and that is all it is... is that the answer is somewhere in the middle. Like the other poster, I don't think she will have done much growing up, self-reflection, or "living life" in one month. However if you want to leave the door open, you didn't do that...

 

If she is the one you want (be sure about this), try to maybe do a bit of damage control. Perhaps a short email like....

 

Hey, sorry if I was short with you on the phone. It was quite a shock to hear from you. I've really been taking what you said about "needing to live a little" to heart. Perhaps you are right and you and I aren't meant to be at the moment. I guess I reacted the way I did because I am still sorting through what you've told me about how you feel. It's been tough. Maybe one day we can be "just friends", but for now I'm not quite ready for that.... so I thought maybe it is best that we don't hang out until I am ready to accept that is all that you want.

 

..... if she doesn't disagree with the email, then you know nothing has changed... if she does disagree with "only friends", she'll come running... maybe not right away, but eventually.

[FleX]

It has been 2 months of NC since me and that girl broke up... For the readers sake we'll call her "The other one" simply because my mind has become numb from thinking about her... Yes I still have feelings for her but I smile with a huge grin because there is more to life out there. I would have given her the world. However nothing is perfect. I have to thank her for everything because it has opened my eyes to the possibilities of experiencing the finer qualities women have to offer. For each day I do not hear from her, I become stronger and more confident to do my own thing. You really only get one chance (two at most depending...). Love is war, war is love. You only get one parachute. There is no going back. If you mess up someone else will put the extra effort to appreciate and show you love. I am learning so much from this experience and because of this I come out more happier more wiser.

 

Currently I have 4 girls that are either interested in me or that I have interest. One girl accompanied me to a Christmas party that "The other one" attended. We'll call her Girl A. So far she seems like good gf material. A little tempermental but heck nobody is perfect. If it wasn't for "The other one" I would have chosen her instead... it was bad timing because she held back and I went with the latter. After I broke up with "The other one" I found out Girl A had feelings for me. What could I have done? Gone for someone new with the possibilities of rejection or someone that was my friend for over 3 years. No regrets... I have all the time in the world to make it up.

 

I recently met Girl B when my buddy brought her out for drinks. She seems really outgoing, funny and energetic. Things I would have never seen had I stayed with "The other one". I am not sure if she is GF material but she is great to hang around with. One night Girl B got drunk and came over to visit me @ work. She kept hugging me and it was a sure sign because her eyes told me everything I needed to know. Girl A knows Girl B so I have a dilemma.

 

Meanwhile... Girl C is from a LDR that I've known for 5 years. We've been on and off but it is more of a comfort feeling. Through thick and thin we have realistic expectations in the event that either party finds someone closer we will respect their decision. She too is a great person and so much more "experienced" than I even though she is 6 years younger than me.

 

Girl D just got out of a relationship. She has great personal qualities. Her past bf's have been real losers. I feel that she would be a good choice because she is smart outgoing yet a good girl. I find her physicaly and mentally attractive. She dumped her bf because he was not attentive or sensitive to meet her needs. Too busy playing video games... yeesh!

 

As a result life does get better. NC is a great tool for healing and discovering yourself. If "The other one" calls I would be courteous and show her respect. However my belief is that you should never take back a dumper. If they hurt you once they have the power to hurt you again. Have respect for them and for yourself. You can only go back with someone if the problem has been 100% solved.

 

From here on I have many choices so I am going to take all the time in the world to get to know Girl A, B, C and D. There are over 6.5 billion people out there in the world. Of which roughly 4 billion are women. Do you know what that means? That's 4 billion possibilities!

[Phoenix Down]

I wish I had your frame of mind right after my brake up. I agree with your thoughts on dumpers and not taking them back. My last story how ever was a big mess. We dated for 3 years and split for 6 months. We just now got everything out in the open, (games). I'm still not sure where we stand, but I'm moving on. I'm just mad it took this long to see the right path where it took you only a month or two. Keep up the good work, and good luck with girl A-D or one of the 4bill.

[FleX]

I was able to heal quickly by remaining positive and I was brutally honest with myself. Expressing my feelings on this forum have also allowed me to share my experience and see what other people have to say. Smiling more and avoiding bitterness also helps alot.

[heloladies21]

It's been some time since that phone call and I feel I made the right decision. I don't see us ever getting back together again and I'm enjoying living my own life and meeting new women these days. I don't long for her anymore and she only crosses into my mind a few times a day now if that often. I would like to thank everyone at enotalone for giving me the support and the guts I needed to start making my life into the one I want it to be.