Romantic relationships

[quirky]

Romantic relationships are always hard work for me. I try to keep the faith that one day it might just fit and work, not miraculously.. but at least with some more fluidity rather than me trying to accept things that actually bother me. One could say 'you're choosing the wrong partners' 'you don't believe in yourself enough' and to some extend all these are true. Put my high expectations into the mix and the task becomes impossible. I genuinely wish I could be in a relationship with the fluency others seem to be. I am never fulfilled..maybe for a moment or a week. But long term..I just see flaws in the other person or the relationship.

 

I am dating a great guy with tons of issues. I really wish it worked with him because he is unique. But he has so many issues. I am losing any faith in relationships. I try to look at my own blocks and issues and develop myself. I still have fear in fully pursuing what I want. I still also don't know what I want exactly. Marriage and children..I want it but I am also scared of it. I choose guys that aim for a long term commitment. I had to accept that by this age, children will likely not happen.

 

Does anyone else feel this way? What is that ingredient in finding a relationship that works for you on all levels?

[SpottiOtti]

This is something I'm sort of coming to terms with at the moment. I'm getting married next year, to a wonderful human being who has many qualities I admire. I've dated a lot of people, been dating for almost 20 years now, and I know that this guy is special and that I am lucky to have him. But, there are things I'm missing. I know that no one person can be everything I need, and that no matter who I'm with and how great they are, there will be things they don't bring to the table. So I'm kind of grieving that a little bit, because I'm getting married, and dating around, freedom to be picky and flighty and all of that, is going away forever. I am going to have to let go of whatever remnant of the dream I have left of finding that "perfect" person who checks all your boxes - and that's a significant dream for a lot of people.

 

I guess it kind of sounds like I'm saying you have to settle. And it sounds negative when it's phrased that way, but in reality you do settle when you get into a relationship. You have to remember that people are just people, and everybody is going to disappoint you sometimes, even your significant other. If something is missing in your relationship, you find a way to fulfill that need in a different way.

 

I used to have a bunch of qualifications I wanted filled, but then even if someone fills all the quals, they might suck at day-to-day communication. They might be brilliant, but lack emotional spontaneity. They might be affectionate, but suck at communication. On and on. So I bottom-lined it: As long as a guy can talk to me intelligently, won't screw around on me, and won't judge me for my eccentricities, I will give him a shot. (Of course, these things are a given: No alcoholism, drugs, abuse of any kind). And that's how I found my fiance. Our relationship IS hard work, but it's worth it.

[ThatwasThen]

The ingredient is quickly getting rid of men with issues instead of wasting good dating time on someone with them... like you're currently doing at the moment.

[FreedomRing]

Prior to being married, I found letting go of all the societal pressures(in relation to a woman's age, timeframes for x, y and z to happen, etc) helped me a GREAT DEAL. I got out of my head, so to speak and came to terms with MY standards, values and goals for a relationship. I stopped all the analyzing and picking apart men..realized the only person who was standing in my way to a successful relationship was myself. Whats the 'ton of issues' this present guy has?

[pippy longstocking]

hiya quirkybumbalina xx

 

Its funny you starting this thread because it is indirectly linked to the thoughts I have been having over the last few days . Its 3 years since me and mine split and I miss who he was within the relationship ..and I think I know why ...because I did near as damnit , find the perfect mix of what was right for me . And likewise from his side .

 

What is that ingredient in finding a relationship that works for you on all levels?

 

for me , and I can only relate this to my ex because all of the others where not right .. he supported me on all levels ..but didn't just agree with me .. so it was a good balance ..I was the fly off the handle person , he was the ..reason ... I would listen to his reason because I respected him and he would offer his reason with care , because he respected me ... and that balance carried on in all areas ...I just potter in the garden till dark , planting , growing , making things .. so did he ..our pass time and hobbies didn't involve pubs or clubs or anything of that nature .. so we found a happy union of two minds who enjoyed the same ..

I could go on forever , but my point is in all areas we either found a balance with respect or we had the same appreciation for the same things.

 

As a mother bringing a man into my childs life , which is obviously a biggy ..well that must of been a good thing , because I recall my daughter saying she now knows what a father does and what it feels like to have one ..that was a very sad moment for me because of what she lacked all the years before I met him , but also a glorious moment because she now felt what it was like .

 

so in all areas it worked .

 

so they are out there quirky .. good men who join our souls ... never give up.

[ThatwasThen]

Take if from someone who has been with the same man and happy in that union: You quickly get rid of men who are issued and who you think you need to repair. If you do that and you have the personal boundaries in place so that you're confident enough to truly believe that there will be another guy come along that won't need fixing.. then you'll be in a successful relationship where there will be no need to label your perfect match an "ex" because there will be no need for a separation outside of death.

[quirky]

Prior to being married, I found letting go of all the societal pressures(in relation to a woman's age, timeframes for x, y and z to happen, etc) helped me a GREAT DEAL. I got out of my head, so to speak and came to terms with MY standards, values and goals for a relationship. I stopped all the analyzing and picking apart men..realized the only person who was standing in my way to a successful relationship was myself. Whats the 'ton of issues' this present guy has?

 

How did you do that? And how do you feel you were standing in the way of a successful relationship, in what way?

[quirky]

Take if from someone who has been with the same man and happy in that union: You quickly get rid of men who are issued and who you think you need to repair. If you do that and you have the personal boundaries in place so that you're confident enough to truly believe that there will be another guy come along that won't need fixing.. then you'll be in a successful relationship where there will be no need to label your perfect match an "ex" because there will be no need for a separation outside of death.

 

But I feel everyone has issues. And I think deep down I simply don't believe enough in me finding that love. I am very positive about other people finding love but I think I am negative about myself finding long lasting love. I communicate well and transparently but I am never fully ok with someone.

[ThatwasThen]

Not everyone has Many Issues as you describe your current partner of having. If they do have issues then those issues should be something that you don't even have to mention because it means you are fine with the issues that he has... which of course makes them non-issues.

 

You're settling and then you soon enough find yourself in discontent. I suggest you stop being with someone just for the sake of being with them and not being alone.

[FreedomRing]

How did you do that? And how do you feel you were standing in the way of a successful relationship, in what way?

 

Self sabotage, is what I am referring to. I realized there was a part of me, which I did not like, therefore I felt undeserving of a healthy relationship AND that I actually DID have a quality (or two, or three) that men might find desirable and want for a partner, was something I couldn't quite believe. Alot of harmful, destructive thinking and projecting, which naturally became self fulfilling prophecies. It was not a 'them' problem, but a 'me' problem. I got there through therapy(mainly CBT) as both the client and as the professional(I work in the mental health field and helping others helped with my own battles tremendously) as well as strengthening my faith/spirituality.

[FreedomRing]

You haven't answered....what are the issues this guy has? Trying to accept things that bother you, sounds dangerous. For example, are you trying to accept that he hogs the covers at night? Or things like he has an active drug addiction that bothers you? You may be thinking too hard about something that really isn't. You have to be ok with trusting yourself, even if that means being lonely at times.

[quirky]

No he has no addictions..he did waste all of his 20s smoking weed heavily though but he doesn't do that any more. He went back and forth at his mum's a lot and had no career direction/ambitions. Nowadays he has improved tremendously and wouldn't leave a job unless he had another. He has been back at his mum's to save up to buy a flat for 1 year but quickly realised he couldn't save up what is required (noone can afford to buy flats/houses here). So I asked him...didn't he calculate in advance what money he needed to save? And that going back at his mum's wouldn't really be sustainable unless he found accommodation he could afford long term.

 

Issues with sex too. Has never come through sex. And by oral it takes about 45 min. My shoulder nerves are in pain sometimes. There is no such thing as quickies. He is happy to please me but it is just such a shame he can't come through sex. How can we have children? How will we attempt sex when it takes so long when our lives are busy with more responsibilities? I worry about that. And because he knows he can't come much he won't initiate as much. He is very attracted to me though and I am to him. But sex is a 90 min/2 hour job. I have found myself thinking twice occasionally about starting something when I know how long it will take. And I am not one to just have sex once a week

 

Health issues that prevent him from having an ordinary social life, no alcohol, no staying up late, sleep issues, he has patchy sleep and sometimes ends up sleeping and snoring while sitting up, sometimes at 9 in the evening. Which will prevent us from watching films for example, I don't think I have ever watched a film with him in the evening together. He will be asleep in 2 min, twiching next to me, pretending to be awake and saying delusional, random things whenever he wakes up. He doesn't go to bars or to dance, I don't mean clubs,I hate them too, just chilled out nights. He is also very anxious and awkward, he will not be very forward towards kissing me or grabbing me a bit when we are out, he is paranoid of what others might think. He has a skin condition too which means he is uncomfortable about that and will not take his top off during sex, or sometimes he is physically uncomfortable or paranoid someone might touch him on the shoulder and realise his issue. So much anxiety the poor guy..I do feel for him. His self esteem is not the best but to be honest but that's not the biggest issue because that's not my priority with someone..I can be insecure myself. But he has such fantastic qualities that I am gutted of the above issues. I think because of the anxiety and low self esteem he just hasn't learnt to be forward and assertive. And I struggle with that because I feel like things are up to me...maybe theya re not but it feels like it sometimes, like he doesn't fully know how to take a situation in his control. His pattern of dating was aiming low, he has never fallen in love fully. He also met almost all women online (even 10 years ago) and had a couple long distance things.

[Zuri]

You called sex a "job". No bueno.

[tiredofvampires]

Can he ejaculate from masturbation?

[90_hour_sleep]

It seems like you're consistently drawn to men who can't meet your needs. And you get stuck investing energy in them because they're ''good people''...and from that vantage, they're worth a shot, right? Maybe it's not right though. Not that they don't deserve your respect...and a shot at being something in your life. But...do they feel ''right'' from the get go? Or, is there something a bit off right from the start?

 

Self-sabotage. That seems like it might be worth considering. Or, a place to start asking the questions. Why am I attracted to men who can't meet my needs? Why do I invest energy in relationships that aren't really going anywhere? Is my gut telling me things? Am I able to pay attention to that...to entertain it honestly?

 

The post that talked about this being a ''me'' thing was onto something. I don't think this is a one-off. Or that it has much to do with the specific circumstances from relationship to relationship. It's an inside job. It's the idea of attracting the kind of person into your life who reflects where you're at yourself. So where are you at? Do you feel good about yourself? Are you happy with your direction? Do you feel like you have a lot to offer the 'right' person? What is it about the quirky guys that you're so drawn to? Maybe on some level you know it probably won't work, that the quirks will be too much in the end?

 

I don't think it's easy for anyone. But I do think there's a certain ease that comes along with the ''right'' people. Some people just feel good...and I think those are the ones we should invest our time in. There will still be plenty of room for struggle...and growth...but at least there'll be an abundance of good stuff to go along with the inevitable struggles.

 

I wonder if I'm cut out for it too, quirky. Sometimes I'm not sure I'll be happy with anyone. I think that's a bit of a mind-trap for me though. I think it has more to do with the fact that I don't often give myself enough credit. I spend too much time on people I'm not really that into. I like the idea of who they are. They're good people. But that doesn't mean they're the right ones for the deeper connections. I'm trying to learn discernment...where to focus my energy. It's starting to make some sense. A lot of it is coming back to my own sense of self-worth...and emotional self-reliance. Feeling confident in my own skin...and capable of receiving the good things that come my way.

 

What are the things that you value in yourself?

[quirky]

Can he ejaculate from masturbation?

 

 

He can but it takes long. After a while the mood is not there as much and the whole issue can become technical. He has basically been used to touching himself too hard and can't feel as much during oral or a vagina. I think it's linked to his own view of himself too (physically , intellectually and emotionally). He is trying to sort it out by not touching himself so hard but still...it has never taken less than 45 min straight of hand job or oral for him to come.

[quirky]

90 hour sleep, you give me food for thought..I am getting ready to go to work but will reflect on your points and come back to it.

[tiredofvampires]

I spend too much time on people I'm not really that into. I like the idea of who they are. They're good people.

 

I can really relate to this, bigtime.

 

I think there's a direct relationship between the fear of being alone and this pattern. You're making most of your love-related decisions based on this base fear (just varying up the characters from time to time), and you can't make sound decisions about love when it's fear-driven. It's kind of a vicious cycle: because you're afraid of being alone, you glom on to people that really aren't the right fit -- they're just good enough that you're afraid to leave. Your staying with them then continues to perpetuate the fear of being alone (because what if they're as good as it gets?) Which justifies your staying. And then you feel more afraid. Ad nauseum.

 

There's only one way to really break this cycle, and that is to very seriously entertain the idea that you may be alone, and stay alone. And be willing to face that scary concept. Could you be happy anyway? Could you let go of the idea that a relationship will complete your life? What would you do then?

 

I've been finding that the more I let go of the idea that a relationship will complete my life, preparing for being alone -- the more willing I am becoming to look for exactly what feels right. Yes, I'm being discerning. But it's hard to choose correctly when you have all these messages in your head telling you that "you're too picky." Yes, there is such a thing as having unrealistic expectations, and I agree with the poster who said that there will be no perfect relationship or match. No one is going to check all your boxes. It's a matter of knowing which boxes MUST be checked for YOU. And really studying that in yourself -- what you're willing to live with and what not. And let's face it, your being dissatisfied, whether it's because you're "too" picky or not, is still you being dissatisfied. So how you characterize the dissatisfaction is really not that useful.

 

I think the irony is that when you're prepared to be alone rather than settle for dissatisfaction, that shift in thinking allows you to figure out truly where you're willing to "settle". Then, it's not "settling". It's a choice you're making to add someone to an already full life that can stand the imperfections in the person you've chosen, for the greater good of the relationship. That's a change from how it is now, where you're trying to fill a need, a void, and trying to figure out if the imperfections are bearable enough.

 

Two completely opposite vantage points of accepting imperfection in another. The first way is based on love; the second is based on need.

 

To get to this point though, you really do have to spend time alone -- and not thinking, "this is just a break to give myself time to think, then I'll get back on the horse" but thinking in terms of how you'd be okay if this was not going to change. Cut the cord of dependency, the NEED...and you'll cut the fear out. Then you'll be able to see more clearly what you can live with.

[tiredofvampires]

If the sex issues weren't there, but all the rest of the issues were, how would you feel about it? Because I do think the sex issues could be improved, with the help of a sex therapist. You could learn to become more sensitive to each other, and make some of these things work for rather than against you (and he could learn actual methods to improve obstacles.) And he CAN come, so it's not like you can't think of having children with him. IF this were the dealbreaker in the lot.

[90_hour_sleep]

quirky! Where'd you go?? Are you living it? Have things improved?

[quirky]

Thanks for asking.

 

I was away and then didn't quite know what to write tbh...confused..I am ok with him overall right now just not sure about a future...

 

 

If the sex issues weren't there, but all the rest of the issues were, how would you feel about it? Because I do think the sex issues could be improved, with the help of a sex therapist.

 

It would be a great weight lifted off. I don't see sex just as a means of having children. For my every day life it is difficult to spend 2 hrs for sex, I have things I have to do that also need time. I am having less sex than I would want to ideally. He knows how long it takes him so he isn't spontaneous about it or initiate as much. The chemistry is right.

 

I asked him if he'd thought of seeing a sex therapist and he didn't know he could do so privately. He said he'd go. He hasn't booked an appointment yet. I know he sees me seriously though...do you really think a sex therapist can help? Shall I tell him again? I don't want to push him, I brought it up once.

[Ms Darcy]

If it is a potential make-or-break issue, I would let him know how important it is for you to have a mutually satisfying sex life before you can see a future with someone. I don't think he knows it's a big deal to you - otherwise, he would be moving on it (I suspect).

[Batya33]

If it is a potential make-or-break issue, I would let him know how important it is for you to have a mutually satisfying sex life before you can see a future with someone. I don't think he knows it's a big deal to you - otherwise, he would be moving on it (I suspect).

 

I agree with this. (and I wouldn't worry about the "how will we have children" -there's always insemination/ivf and if you are trying to conceive when you are older you might have to do those methods anyway).

[quirky]

He knows how important it is.

 

On a day to day basis, when sex is a 2 hr practice for him, how do I fit it into every day life on top of other tasks that take time? Like let's say you have children and you only get a few moments here and there..it's already difficult to make him come, my hands and neck hurt. On a personal level I struggle to handle a partner with sexual hang ups or difficulties.

 

I first brought it up 3 weeks ago I think about the appointment. I thought I'd give him some more time before I bring it up again.

[Batya33]

Maybe the answer is to be sexual but he doesn't reach orgasm every time.