Romantic relationships

[Ms Darcy]

He knows how important it is.

 

On a day to day basis, when sex is a 2 hr practice for him, how do I fit it into every day life on top of other tasks that take time? Like let's say you have children and you only get a few moments here and there..it's already difficult to make him come, my hands and neck hurt. On a personal level I struggle to handle a partner with sexual hang ups or difficulties.

 

Without any changes, you would probably be one of those couples that has sex once a month or every couple of months ... less and less as time goes on.

[tiredofvampires]

Maybe the answer is to be sexual but he doesn't reach orgasm every time.

 

This is a pretty sound suggestion, totally sensible. After all, a ton of men take Cialis and Viagra to be able to keeping going longer for the woman. If you're climaxing and he's enjoying it, it could be fine -- after all, a lot of women enjoy sex but don't necessarily orgasm. You don't have to finish him off every time.

 

And yes, I do think a sex therapist could help. But I think it would be important for you to go at least part of the time, together, as a team. That would be up to the therapist to direct, but I think you and he should approach this as a mutual issue. I know I would want to be in on at least some of the sessions if it were me, even if he has private sessions on his own. Perhaps one reason he isn't moving on this is that he feels it's just "his" problem and that makes him feel really bad/embarrassed, and if you went along at least for the first session, it might ease things for him. Unless it makes it worse in his mind, lol. It's something to discuss, and when he makes the appointment with the therapist, to ask him or her what would be best.

 

A therapist can speak to possible medical issues, talk about techniques, and address underlying fears, so yes, I do think this is quite important. I also have a feeling that the years he abused pot could be a cause of this. Something to bring up, as well as any other medical history issues, such as medications taken (whether self-medicated, or prescribed). If you don't know why it's happening, you can't work on finding strategies to improve it or fix it.

 

I'd wait a couple of weeks and then bring it up again, having this discussion, and also trying to feel out why he may be hesitating. Communication is everything.

[chickadeedee]

>>I am dating a great guy with tons of issues.

 

My feeling on this is that the world is full of people you can be great friends with, who are great guys etc., BUT the person you choose as your romantic partner needs to be someone you are romantically and physically compatible with because he is supposed to be your only and primary source for that (unless you believe in open relationships).

 

So you are trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole here (no pun intended). He might be a great choice as a good friend, but he is not a good choice as a partner. it has never been right from the beginning, and you are trying to engage in a relationship with someone where you are going to feel constantly unsatisfied and disappointed, and he is going to feel constantly bad and inadequate because you two are just not lining up in terms of expectations in the bedroom.

 

You should never be with someone just because you feel you SHOULD want the person in a particular way or SHOULD be coupled up or SHOULD be married. If you do that, you are not being authentic to your true self or your true wants and needs and are just trying to force yourself to do something you think you should do because everyone else is doing it.

 

I had my share of romances (and a bad marriage where i 'settled') before i turned 40, but after I was 40, I met a man who absolutely set me on fire like throwing a match into a pile of dry leaves. There was NO QUESTION that the two of us set each other on fire (in positive ways), and i finally after more than 40 years had that moment where I said, 'AHA! This is what is should be like!' It finally clicked, and I realized i'd spent 40 years trying to hammer square pegs into round holes. And I'd never do it again. And would advise you not to.

 

If you have to have counseling to 'make it work' before you are even married, i see that as a sign that you are just not compatible on enough levels to have the fire you need about that person to keep you going thru many years and all the curves that life will throw you way. And that eventually you will just become more and more depressed because he is not measuring up to satisfying your needs.

 

So I suggest that if you have to drag him by the hair to get him into counseling and into performing in a way that gratifies you, it is just a match that is not good enough on enough levels to make it work. And you definitely need to be sexually compatible if you are going to only have sex with that one person and not get it elsewhere.

[Batya33]

I think there is far more of a spectrum than either "square peg in round hole" and "I met a man who absolutely set me on fire like throwing a match into a pile of dry leaves. There was NO QUESTION that the two of us set each other on fire (in positive ways), and i finally after more than 40 years had that moment where I said, 'AHA! This is what is should be like!'"

 

No one should settle but there are very happy marriages without that level of intensity of fire and where one or both partners have some doubts -not major doubts - those that are fairly easily resolvable (either internally or externally with one's partner). Obviously there are people who must have that intense fire from day one or they're settling. There are different definitions of course.

[chickadeedee]

^^

Sex once a month when they are not even married yet, and where she wants more/different, is not enough for this OP. It is fine if the level of intensity is fine for both people. It is not fine for the OP. That is what I was addressing, that it doesn't seem to be working for her, and she shouldn't settle for less just because she feels she 'should', or she may well end up in a totally sexless marriage because it will probably drop off even more after marriage if they are not compatible and not really enjoying doing it.

[Batya33]

^^

Sex once a month when they are not even married yet, and where she wants more/different, is not enough for this OP. It is fine if the level of intensity is fine for both people. It is not fine for the OP. That is what I was addressing, that it doesn't seem to be working for her, and she shouldn't settle for less just because she feels she 'should', or she may well end up in a totally sexless marriage because it will probably drop off even more after marriage if they are not compatible and not really enjoying doing it.

 

I was responding to what you wrote, which was more detailed than what you wrote in this post. I agree she should not settle for less than she wants - an obvious truth.

[SometimesShy]

I agree she should not settle for less than she wants - an obvious truth.

 

...As long as what she wants is realistic. Some people have ridiculous "laundry" lists of features they want in a partner. They are looking for someone that they will never ever meet in their lifetime.

 

Personally I can boil my "laundry" list down to about five attributes that are must haves for me, and beyond this anything else is simply a bonus.

[Batya33]

...As long as what she wants is realistic. Some people have ridiculous "laundry" lists of features they want in a partner. They are looking for someone that they will never ever meet in their lifetime.

 

Personally I can boil my "laundry" list down to about five attributes that are must haves for me, and beyond this anything else is simply a bonus.

 

Yes of course. Part of this process is being open to evaluating your "musts" if you're finding it hard to meet anyone you connect with. But after the evaluation it still has to feel like you're not settling, just that you've decided, sincerely, that what you thought was a priority is really not.

[quirky]

I had my share of romances (and a bad marriage where i 'settled') before i turned 40, but after I was 40, I met a man who absolutely set me on fire like throwing a match into a pile of dry leaves. There was NO QUESTION that the two of us set each other on fire (in positive ways), and i finally after more than 40 years had that moment where I said, 'AHA! This is what is should be like!' It finally clicked, and I realized i'd spent 40 years trying to hammer square pegs into round holes. And I'd never do it again. And would advise you not to.

 

What do you think changed and you met that man, was it a chance meeting and a feeling from the start?

 

 

Don't get me wrong. I really like my guy. Not trying to like him. But trying to take the concept of perfection out of my head.

 

I couldn't see him as just a friend, we have strong physical attraction. Which is why I am gutted at the sexual issue. He had that with everyone. To even come with oral was great progress for him. Judging by his past relationships (long distance, not fully inlove, not aiming high) I suspect deeper intimacy fears tied with his low self esteem. Which he plans to have counselling for. When we are good and he feels secure he is more relaxed sexually too.

 

Sex once a month is out of the question for me. For him too. It's not that he doesn't want it. It's that it takes too long. And that then can mean late nights, tiredness at work etc

 

Perhaps one reason he isn't moving on this is that he feels it's just "his" problem and that makes him feel really bad/embarrassed, and if you went along at least for the first session, it might ease things for him. Unless it makes it worse in his mind, lol.

 

I think it would stress him out if I came along.

 

At the moment we are very well together. I will bring it up again in the next month.

[IAmFCA]

I had my share of romances (and a bad marriage where i 'settled') before i turned 40, but after I was 40, I met a man who absolutely set me on fire like throwing a match into a pile of dry leaves. There was NO QUESTION that the two of us set each other on fire (in positive ways), and i finally after more than 40 years had that moment where I said, 'AHA! This is what is should be like!' It finally clicked, and I realized i'd spent 40 years trying to hammer square pegs into round holes. And I'd never do it again. And would advise you not to.

 

I echo this experience. Several things changed, all within me. Yes it was a chance meeting, and yes it was a feeling from the start. All of those answers have nuances that are important. Here goes...

 

What changed within me: I identified and overcame my fear of abandonment, which allowed me to see and eliminate Co dependent patterns. At the same time, I recognized my intimacy avoidant pattern, which was ironic because my goal had been to find a deeply intimate connection. I eliminated that pattern, though its vestiges remain and I am constantly finding bits and pieces to replace with simple kindness and acceptance. And, I decided to be bold and brave, and believe I can have what I want. I saw that this belief really did feel like a courageous act: what if I am wrong? I knew that without the belief, I never would succeed, so I chose to believe. Also, I read about the Law of Attraction. Realized I am who I date, what does that tell me about me and what do I need to change to reflect and embody what I want. I decided to choose, and not get chosen. I decided to be responsible for myself in full, my lifestyle, my happiness, everything. I decided to move at my own pace: I will choose you when I know, and not sooner.

 

Our meeting was in a business context and afforded us several hours to have a long running, often interrupted conversation. I knew that I was interested, and I knew my interest was based on the content of his conversation and how we worked together in certain social contexts that arose. I did not know the depth of my interest. I did not remember his visage, only his carriage and the general cut of his suit. I did not know how dang attractive he is.

 

The critical pattern that you describe, I used to do that. I used to act as fault finder and fixer to my men. That was how I avoided intimacy and sabotaged my relationships, all the while thinking I was being helpful and serving them with support and knowledge. I learned, I think, that my task is only to choose what I want for myself. I have no interest any longer in finding a man's faults, or even seeing his traits as faults. They are simply methods he chooses to help live his life. Every choice we make is effective at something. There is a reason for it. My faults existed because I was afraid of being abandoned and therefore kept myself from becoming too vulnerable. Being critical was a fault of mine, perhaps. Also, it was a tool that I needed based on who I was then. So, there are no faults. Only traits.

 

The last thing I learned to practice? To live in the moment. A lifelong practice. It has helped enormously in my efforts to eliminate dream thinking and the temptation to use a man to achieve a dream.

 

Can't read what I wrote. Apologies for inability to trim, edit, and correct.

[quirky]

I just wanted to update here instead of starting a new thread

 

About 3 weeks ago my bf went to a sex therapist. He told her he has never come through sex and they discussed what is called death grip and how he can train his body to come in a vagina. She mentioned something about him focusing on his sensations and both of us doing exercises which all sounded good. Then after asking about our relationship, my bf said we can be rocky sometimes. She then suggested couples counselling before sex therapy.

 

I was surprised at that as this is an issue he had before I came into the picture, this is an issue he has had all his life...so why do I need to go to couples counselling? Nothing was decided as I think we felt both apprehensive, fearful, sceptical of the cost (I struggle a lot financially) or just frustrated that we had to do that instead of just sex therapy.

 

After that consultation by bf also realised how it is me that often initiates things and is more forward/proactive with sex, lights up candles etc.

 

In the weeks that have followed I believe I have slowly started building on resentment and I do not pursue sex like before. I don't even get as horny, perhaps subconsciously I don't want to cope with the hassle that accompanies what I once considered a wonderful and necessary bonding experience.

 

The other night I gave him oral sex for god knows how long and he didn't come. I felt deflated and in physical pain. I felt for him though and tried again 2 days later. Sorry about the graphics here but when it gets rigorous for so long and he doen't come and he is big so my mouth feels stuffed, I was in pain, my neck nerves pulling and he still wouldn't come. I had to finish him off by hand and then applied Deep Heat lotion for muscular aches on my neck and shoulder.

 

You might guess I didn't initiate any sex when I saw him last night.

 

Apart from that he has been ill, missed a week of work and really that is his priority, I understand, he feels too unwell to concentrate on anything else. He has doctor's appointments, high blood pressure, ear imbalance that causes him vertigo, a cyst on his testicles, the keyloids stopping him from taking his top off during sex or accompany me for a swim, anxiety leading to social awkardness/paranoia/lack of assertiveness.

 

I love him and think he is a great person. I just don't know how to live with all that and be ok. I also find his family very low key for my likings and found myself judging that inside, I don't know why..it's like illness, unemployment, no ambition in his family. completely the opposite to mine. We laugh a lot and have a good time. He is caring and nice person, very handsome too and we are both generous. With most tasks though I feel I am ahead of him or that I cannot trust his advise fully. We have grown up differently and I am starting to wonder if upbringing, class and education play a part in the end when it comes to romantic relationships..

 

I don't particularly want to go to couples counselling but said I would and I am open to it. He hasn't followed it. It feels like he would leave it unless I ask about it.

 

Good news is he is moving out of his mum's house into a tiny studio of his own. He implied that if he wasn't dating me he wouln't yet move out (mostly because he is not 100% healthy and wouldn't be pursuing dating anyway if I wasn't in the picture)

[itsallgrand]

Wow you weren't kidding when you said there are a lot of issues here.

 

How long have you been seeing him now?

[quirky]

This time around 6 months. In total 11 (4 months before, break, back for 1 month, breakup, dated investment banker for 6 months, now again with him). That alone shows my problematic pattern, I genuinely don't know how to make sense of it all yet but I am now at least working towards it in therapy. I don't often jump from one relationship to next, in many ways dating the investment banker was a mistake and lasted much longer than I ever expected. I was thinking of my current guy often whilst with banker.

 

 

I didn't mention the sleep problem because that has improved. He tells me sometimes he feels bad and worries he holds me back. I have suspected that too but now my mind is blurry, I have become used to all the things I was hoping I could have but aren't there. We are very open and communicative with each other and transparent too.

[itsallgrand]

Oh so it is the same man! When you mentioned the keyloids it made me wonder if it was him.

 

Sorry if this is over simplifying it but do you think maybe this is a case of where you adore him but there is some real incompatibility? That is the impression I'm getting. And I'm familiar with that ; there is just something about the person that draws you in and that makes you feel so much warmth and love for the person. Even when you know deep down it's not a match.

 

We are both at an age now where we have some experience and a better ability to look out over the long range picture. Sometimes it's helps to put the situation in that context - thinking five, ten, twenty years down the line - the total scope of your life and what it is about and what you want it to be about - do you think there is a place for him in that as your partner?

 

I'm interested to see what other people have to say about your latest post. I didn't want to address the specific issues because I think as the total package, you are still very much drawn and love this man. I think people will tend to work on issues so long as they are at that place and 'in' - and I think you are. I don't think it's about the specific issues anyways so much as it is about you having trouble deciding if he is a good long term match for you or not.