mindless14 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 I won't backtrack my story here because a lot of you already know it. For those that don't, I split about 8 months ago from my fiancé of 6 years. We have 2 children. We are amicable, remained friends despite some bumps along the way. What I'm struggling with right now is that it was his decision to leave, he moved in with his gf, drives her truck, which her ex husband pays for. He is now living in a dual income household, splitting the bills. I'm alone, receive no child support, i don't want it. We have an agreement to help each other when needed. But I just found out he came when I wasn't home and took our BBQ grill. Small thing to stress I know, and to be fair it was a Father's Day gift to him from me last year. It's not the grill though, it's the fact that he chose to leave and is living easily now, and I'm struggling, and he left with a tv that I had to replace, our sons xbox which I had to replace( he did take it for our son to have at his house, not for him) and now the grill. He also took my 4 wheeler but has since brought it back because his landlord wouldn't allow him to store it at his house. He's taken all these things without even discussing anything with me. I've also allowed him to use my credit card to buy a new $300 phone a few months ago, which he still hasn't payed me back for. And I payed his phone bill all but 2 months since we broke up. I know I'm just being petty and haven't brought it up to him because I don't want to argue. But I'm broke. Hanging on by a string. I always supported him because he was a stay at home dad. He now works full time so does his gf and he still takes from me and does not pay it back. I'm not asking for money or for him to pay my bills. I just hate that he does not consider this before he just shows up and takes things. Link to comment
jimthzz Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 it is unwise to NOT have a support order in place for your childrens' sake. Please consult with a lawyer about division of property and financial concerns. you were not married but there is 'stuff' to consider. cancel that credit card! change the locks! Etc. Link to comment
mindless14 Posted December 17, 2014 Author Share Posted December 17, 2014 He's been taken off the credit card as an authorized user and he did ask my permission before using it. He does help if I need things for the kids and has offered to pay half of my credit card bill. I don't like to ask for help and that includes child support because I don't need him. It's just so frustrating!! I guess considering I kept the house the car and everything but a tv and a grill, it's not so bad, but it is annoying. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 I don't like to ask for help and that includes child support because I don't need him. Why are you allowing him to skip out on paying child support? This is confusing, especially when you stated that "you're broke." Either way, it's his job to help raise the children he helped to create. You have too much to lose by agreeing to these terms. Hopefully you've consulted an attorney. Link to comment
jimthzz Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 He's been taken off the credit card as an authorized user and he did ask my permission before using it. He does help if I need things for the kids and has offered to pay half of my credit card bill. I don't like to ask for help and that includes child support because I don't need him. It's just so frustrating!! I guess considering I kept the house the car and everything but a tv and a grill, it's not so bad, but it is annoying. Is the house strictly in your name? Likewise the car? Are you paying a mortgage or rent? Car payment? Unless they are free and clear--paid off-- all he did was get out of a financial responsibility by offloading it to you. Your kids need his financial backing and his presence even if you don't "need him" If you are broke, that is partly on him to resolve. kids are not cheap! what about down the road when those children want to go to college? what then? Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Absolutely agree with everyone else. He should be paying child support. They are his children too, so he should be paying for their upbringing. I would also change the locks too, so he cant just come & take things. Link to comment
overthemoon86 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 There is no shame in asking for child support, that is part of being a parent if you are going to separate. You owe it to your children to give them a good life. Link to comment
mindless14 Posted December 17, 2014 Author Share Posted December 17, 2014 Our time with the kids is exactly 50/50. 3.5 days a week each. We each pay for what we need when they're with us. Big expenses we've agreed to split. For example, our oldest needed money for school things and we split it. Our youngest had a late medical bill and we split it. We also get formula trough wic and split that. When I say I'm broke I mean I don't have money for the extras. We don't go out to dinner or things like that very often. Bills are paid. I have food. I pay rent for my apt but always have. The car is also in my name and I have always paid it in full. I don't feel child support is fair for either of us to pay because we do have them exactly half and half and pay for what we need. I've asked him for formula and diapers and he helps. I help him when needed. It's just him thinking he's entitled to these material possessions that bothers me. Link to comment
sky09 Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 You need to set boundaries and stop "helping" him pay for useless crap when the money can be spent elsewhere. Learn how to say no and not cave into his requests, especially if his financial situation is better than yours at this point. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Your children are young and relatively inexpensive to care for right now but the cost will increase fast. Child support isn't based only on time spent with each parent. The children were brought into this world by 2 people and need to be cared for to the best of each persons ability. The child support isn't for you, it is for the children. If he makes more money than you do he will pay some child support. This isn't about you, it is about the best possible life for your children now and until they graduate college. Have you though that far in advance? You should be. A support order protects both of you and the children. Time to stop being friends and be co-parents. No more helping him out and sit down with him and divide up the assets from the relationship. Once done if he ever takes something it will be theft which is really what the grill and xbox thing was anyways. It isn't pleasant doing the business of divorce or support but it has to be done and the sooner the better. He isn't coming back, time to act like it. Lost Link to comment
Mellie Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 I know this is the last thing you'll want to hear, but what if he and the gf started a family? What if things get over-stretched? What if he (or she) was made bankrupt? Your finances still seem all ravelled up, but you're not just ravelled up with him. It's her, and whoever she's responsible for. Now that you're separated, you need to pick your finances apart, and that includes him paying child support. I wouldn't agree to him spending a penny on my credit card - not if I could be held responsible for it. It's okay relying upon goodwill, but sometimes goodwill just won't pay the bills. I think it's commendable you're keeping everything so amicable for the sake of your children, but I think you need to get it all straightened out, legally speaking, because at some point, something might just go wrong. I think you'll feel better for it too - you shouldn't feel like you're begging for money he's legally obliged to be paying to you. If he were coming into my home and helping himself to whatever he felt like, I sure as heck wouldn't be happy. Link to comment
Lester Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 You're a very nice person who is maybe is trying to still make something out this failed relationship? If so, as you wait for his next move, it's keeping your life on hold. Time to move on... have the court finalize this. Link to comment
mindless14 Posted December 20, 2014 Author Share Posted December 20, 2014 He's not legally tied to me in anyway. The car, house, all bills are in my name. And he's only used the credit card once and has since payed me back for what he spent on it. He also has helped me when I've needed it. I do not mind one bit helping with things for the kids or us just helping each other the way if help any other friend. What bothers me is that I don't even get a text saying hey I'm gunna take the grill. I mean, it was his. A gift from me when we were together, but still. And the reason I don't want child support is because I feel that child support should only be paid to one parent when the parent paying does not spend as much time with the children, therefore not spending as much to support them. Him and I spend exactly equal time with them. So why would it be fair for him to give me extra money or for me to give him money even? We each pay for what we need when they're with us. We've made an agreement to split large expenses. I'm just bothered by the fact that he feels entitled to whatever he wants. But again, he did only walk away with a tv a grill and an xbox, which really the Xbox was my sons and he asked to be able to have one at dad's house too. I just feel like, he left. I've bough everything we have because he was a stay at home dad our whole relationship. Shouldn't he have to buy the things he wants, not just take them? Link to comment
sky09 Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 you are being too nice and giving him too much advance. he walked away and now seems to do whatever he please. right now it's xbox, what is it going to be years from now? do you really want to find out? you need to protect yourself and your child, in case things go sour (and they have propensity to do so). how you do that, is up to you. don't let him play you like a flute, though. like said before, setup boundaries. there is a great book called "boundaries in marriage," I suggest you give it a shot. Link to comment
waffle Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 . . . I know I'm just being petty and haven't brought it up to him because I don't want to argue. You're not being petty, you're being a doormat. The reason he is taking stuff and feeling entitled to do so is because you're allowing it. In fact, you're encouraging it. Continually giving someone something and putting their wants first--to your own detriment--doesn't inspire appreciation, it encourages entitlement. Hate to tell you this but there is no reward for being a martyr. If you don't want child support, and want to continue paying his bills and lending him your credit card, fine, but you lose the right to complain when he continues to take take take because you insist on giving. Link to comment
Circe Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 I don't know where you live but in many countries if you are spending equal time with the kids you would not be entitled to child support anyway so perhaps that's not even an option here. If you want warning before he takes things.. Even his own things like the grill.. Just ask him for warning next time. He may not realise you want it. If you want more support.. Ask him.. He may be happy to give it to you. Link to comment
CountessJax Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 It almost sounds like you don't want to be too demanding because you are holding out hope that you will get back together. Link to comment
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