Trying to make sense of this.

[Scoe141]

I’ve been dating Jane for approximately 4-5 months.

 

• Jane works 2 jobs and commutes a lot. Several days out of the week she's out of the house from 6:30am until 8p.m.

• She works 6 days a week, sometimes 7 depending on if she has to freelance.

• Jane is always complaining. About work, her family life (her sister is going through an emotional time and every week there seems to be something going on.) I would say 75% of our conversations lately are her complaining.

• She is negative just about all the time. I try and cheer her up and feel it doesn’t do any good. (i.e. give her a sweet compliment and I get ignored or the subject is changed to something negative in her life.) Tonight I asked how her day was and she said, “sh*tty” I don't want to talk about it. So we didn’t. I texted her a picture of us and said I hope this cheers you up. She responded, “it doesn’t”. I know we all have bad days, but this is one example of many lately.

• I’ve been super supportive, understanding and respectful of her schedule and life and often I feel it’s not well received. I try to give her space and don't overwhelm her with texts. If she doesn't respond, I leave her be and let her get back to me. Although we rarely talk (text most of the time, and that is only at night randomly for an hour or so.)

• One day she’s brash, another day she’s all nice. This has been happening for several weeks.

• She said she loves me, but often her actions don’t reflect that. Jane has said that she isn’t leading me on (when I asked her about it.) She is never sweet anymore, doesn’t flirt, rarely gives compliments. Lately I don’t see the side of her that I fell for months ago.

 

 

I’m having a very difficult time trying to discern the reason for it. She says it’s her life and crazy schedule. I’m just having a hard time swallowing that. Could it be:

 

Her work/family life is precluding her from giving the relationship 100%?

She’s just not into me.

Her personality is something I’m trying to “figure out”, or Im finally see the real her?

She loves her personal space. (She is an introvert.)

______?

 

We get together once a week, sometimes once every two weeks. Lately we talk once or twice a week. She attributes that to her schedule. I don’t feel she’s seeing anyone else as we have talked about it and she has never given me a reason not to trust her. She’s been open and honest with me. So I have no reason to suspect anyone else. She’s back with her folks until she gets a full time job. She said she can’t talk on the phone because her mom will yell at her. (She has complained about that as well.)

 

We’ve had this talk several times and it always comes back to “I’m too busy or too tired.” Last weekend she was supposed to come over after work on Friday but she cancelled. She said she had a headache. Then on Saturday she was going to come over again, but then said she was too tired (but I met her after work and we talked in her car for two hours.) Then she went home (her folks were gone so we talked for two hours on the phone.) The next day I drove up there (about 40 mins) to go for a run. She was in a bad mood the entire time.

 

Jane has also mentioned that when she moved back home, she had no intentions of getting into a relationship. Apparently when she met me, that changed things. But I feel (and she’s mentioned) that there are days where she needs to be alone.

 

Last night I asked her how Sunday went and the response I got was: “better than I was - but scared. freaked out. upset. annoyed. feeling helpless. freaked out about what is going on.” (This is referring to her sister’s dilemma.) She wouldn’t go into details and would provide no other explanation. Lately I'm getting short answers and I feel like she’s crawling into a cocoon.

 

I’ve tried backing off and giving her space. (Last week we spent two days without talking.) I’ve just never been in a relationship where things were so up and down. I feel like Im on a Merry-Go-Round that won’t stop. Very hot. Very cold.

 

I also asked her about going out for New Years Eve and she said, "I have to see what mom and Frank are doing. And then, "I don't know, I don't like going out before work the next day." (Her second job is in the afternoon.) I suggested dinner and be home by 9. I'm afraid to ask about Christmas because who knows what I'll get. (We agreed to exchange small gifts due to finances.)

 

I really don’t know what else I can do at this point. To sum it up:

 

• I’ve tried being nice and sweet- no luck.

• Giving her space is a temporary bandaid. It causes me stress because I feel like it’s not normal to go that long without talking, texting, etc. And I feel she isn't interested.

• Talking to her about it gets me the same answer. I’m tired, stressed etc.

• I feel like if she got a full time job, moved out of her folks place it would change things. So at this point, I’m holding onto that.

 

If you need more information, please let me know. Thanks for any advice and of course, reading this short story.

[annie24]

my take is that jane is going through a hard time in her life and it doesn't sound like she has a lot of love to give you. I bet she would be a more nice/funner person if she only worked 40 hours a week. I'm not sure what you're getting out of this. Unless there are plans for her to scale back her work hours soon, i'm not sure if it's worth it??

[Scoe141]

my take is that jane is going through a hard time in her life and it doesn't sound like she has a lot of love to give you. I bet she would be a more nice/funner person if she only worked 40 hours a week. I'm not sure what you're getting out of this. Unless there are plans for her to scale back her work hours soon, i'm not sure if it's worth it??

 

Thanks Annie. I've always been fond of your advice. She is working towards getting a full time job. I've often felt like waiting it out may be worth it. But another part of me has thought that relationships should be a place of solitude, a breath of fresh air. It's been pretty smoggy in here...

 

I know that relationships have their ups and downs. And right now, I'm not getting much. My friends have said to drop her, that it's not worth it. My family has seen a change in my behavior. I'm usually pretty upbeat and happy, but lately I've been down in the dumps. I feel her negativity and drama is sucking the life out of me. A part of me is holding onto hope.

 

It's not easy... I've been mulling over it for a few weeks now. I've even seen a counselor a few times. I guess I'm just trying to get various perspectives to help shed some light on this. I'm hoping someone may have experienced something similar. This is new to me.

[bulletproof]

I think that this is just who she is. My opinion is that, generally speaking, people have a "set point" of happiness that they get back to no matter what is happening. In other words, she might reduce her work hours and stress and be happy for a little while, but eventually she will see the dark side of things again. Just my opinion, of course, although there have been studies about this.

 

I think you have different approaches to life, and it sounds like she's bringing you down a bit. Since it's only been five months, maybe it's time to let this one go.

[Ms Darcy]

When you "talk" to her about this, are you clearly stating your concerns and needs and setting boundaries?

 

You talk about her but you don't talk about you. Are you an introvert? How much time together would you need? What are the behavior changes that you would need long term?

 

Instead of focusing on the negative from her, focus on what you want and need.

 

Also, you have only been dating 4 months. Dating is for figuring out compatibility. You might find that she's not the right fit for you.

[SpottiOtti]

Eh, I think at this point she should still be putting her best foot forward. The fact that she's already all doom and gloom signifies to me that she's just like that. And what exactly is going on in her sister's life that she should be so bent out of shape about? Is it serious? Doesn't sound serious from the way you describe it.

 

Benefit of the doubt - she is going through a rough time and has no emotional energy left to give to you.

 

How do you feel about backing off and letting her know if she has more time/energy in the future, to give you a call?

[Scoe141]

When you "talk" to her about this, are you clearly stating your concerns and needs and setting boundaries?

 

You talk about her but you don't talk about you. Are you an introvert? How much time together would you need? What are the behavior changes that you would need long term?

 

Instead of focusing on the negative from her, focus on what you want and need.

 

Also, you have only been dating 4 months. Dating is for figuring out compatibility. You might find that she's not the right fit for you.

 

Thanks for the comments. Yea, I'd say I am an introvert, but not to the degree she is. I do like that about her as well, since Im a pretty low key kind of guy.

 

We have talked about it before, but since I've noticed her being unhappy lately we may need to revisit it. One of the problems is, when we do talk it's about the drama in her life, so I don't want to add another stressor.

 

I also keep busy, work full time, exercise, go out with friends, read, play video games and visit with family. So it's not like I'm sitting around waiting for her. But if she can get together, then she'll be the priority (since it's so rare.)

 

We used to get together after she got out of work (during the week). We would meet up and chat, even if it was for 30 minutes or so. That was sufficient for me because I got to see her. Now that doesn't happen as often because she's tired and wants to go home after work.

 

Obviously I wouldn't want her to change who she is... however I would like to see her more than once every two weeks (we don't live that far away, and her second job is 10 minutes from where I live). I guess Im trying to figure out if this behavior of hers is a reflection of her life and stress, or who she really is. If it's the latter, then I won't put up with it.

 

You're right, we may not be compatible. I guess Im hanging onto the beginning, when we first met. It was great. The person I saw then was amazing. I guess that's what got me hooked. Now it seems "that person", isn't present anymore. Or if they are it's 10% of the time... If that makes sense.

[Scoe141]

Eh, I think at this point she should still be putting her best foot forward. The fact that she's already all doom and gloom signifies to me that she's just like that. And what exactly is going on in her sister's life that she should be so bent out of shape about? Is it serious? Doesn't sound serious from the way you describe it.

 

Benefit of the doubt - she is going through a rough time and has no emotional energy left to give to you.

 

How do you feel about backing off and letting her know if she has more time/energy in the future, to give you a call?

 

Apparently her sister is divorced and has two children. Evidently the children are neglected. Both parents supposedly don't want anything to do with them. So Jane and her mom try and provide that support and give them attention when they can.

 

I've been going back and forth about backing off and giving her space. For example, last week I backed off a couple of days since I know she was stressed about work and getting her car fixed. When we spoke on Friday night she complained about work, her family and how the holidays aren't fun and that they're "for children, older people and those who have paid holiday time." The conversation wasn't completely pleasant, so I didn't want to bring up "us". But I told her that we or I, should be place she can come for solitude and not worry about the everyday stressors. She may have said thanks. What does give me hope is that she will text me pictures of her putting together presents for her nieces or say things like "We should go Christmas shopping." But we haven't yet and we all know Christmas is around corner. So there is good thrown in there. It's just not that often. And I would say the negative far outweighs the good lately.

 

I'm learning, and last nights conversation is evidence of that, that when she's stressed or has a bad day she likes to be left alone. I can completely understand and respect that. Now tonight, do I text her and say "hey hope you had a good day" or just leave her be? It's not that we talk often, so it makes it kind of tricky.

 

Thanks again.

[annie24]

I get the sense that you're walking on egg shells here. Is this relationship fun for you? Shouldn't things be more fun 4-5 months in?

[Scoe141]

I get the sense that you're walking on egg shells here. Is this relationship fun for you? Shouldn't things be more fun 4-5 months in?

 

Eggshells... shoot... more like a hen house! In all seriousness, the relationship was fun. And I'm trying to figure out if this stress is just temporary. You're right, 4-5 months in should be fun. Our fun only lasted a couple months now the ship has changed course.

 

I'm just figuring out how we need to get it back on route. Or if it's lost at sea for good.

 

This is helping, thanks again for everyone's advice.

[WithLove]

Hey Scoe, I'm glad you are talking about this finally and open to getting some insight.

 

I don't think she sounds bipolar. I think she's clinically depressed and this is what her mood normally is. I get that people's lives are hectic and there are tons of stressors, but the fact of the matter is, that's life. People handle stress differently and it's sounding like she doesn't quite know how to handle hers except to be in a bad mood.

 

The thing about the work thing is that you don't know how long her situation will stay this way. Employers are hard-pressed to hire full-time, but most won't due to the extra insurance premiums. So your girlfriend could very well end up having 2 part-time positions for quite awhile. That's not something you can change, and it's something you may have to "put up with". Are you willing to stick around for it?

 

As far as her family situation - when there's a child involved, it's going to be YEARS before anything is resolved. Her mom might end up with custody and then will more than likely rely on your girlfriend for support. Which will probably not be good news for employers looking to give full-time positions to someone that must have a completely open schedule.

 

You can talk to her about this til you're blue in the face, but ultimately, she's a victim of circumstance, and this is how she's responding to the stress of it. Only she can change how she acts and reacts.

[Scoe141]

Thanks WithLove- I appreciate you taking the time to read this and respond. What you're saying makes sense. She has been in a bad mood lately, and has even said that when she is stressed she isn't as affectionate or sweet. (A nice warning, anyway.)

 

I think I could put up with her schedule as long as the negativity subsided and we talked about the boundaries within our relationship. I can't fee like I'm walking on eggshells. And if she needs to be left alone, I need know and honor that.

 

I also don't know how the holidays are affecting her. I know they affect everyone differently and it appears from our conversations that they haven't always been a happy time for her. I need to be more sensitive around this time of year.

 

Yet, I also can't be making excuses for all of the negativity. I believe I know what we need to talk about.

 

Ultimately two things are going to happen. We stay together and work through this or we break up and go our separate ways. I can't be constantly worrying about which one it's going to be. It's not healthy at all.

 

Thanks again for the insight.