Don't know what happened...did I offend/hurt him?

[milly007]

Hi Guys,

 

Just looking for some advice and will keep this short. Was chatting with someone online, we exchanged numbers this past week and began texting. I had a big job presentation this past Tuesday, and at the end of the day, he texted me to things how things went. We were exchanging texts back and forth and because I pulled an all-nighter the night before (preparing for the presentation), I ended up falling asleep before I received his last message (where he was asking some questions about me).

 

I texted him the next morning at about 7 a.m. where I was apologizing for not having received his message because I fell asleep. He knew that I was up all night the night before. I then answered his questions and told him that I was getting ready for work but that I hope he has a good day.

 

Nine hours after I sent my apology text he replies, "No worries. Hope you're having a great day." This is the last text I received. I will admit that I was a bit disappointed that it took him this long to reply.

 

We had been texting for a few days before this happened, and this was the longest it took him to reply.

 

Since I haven't heard from him since Wednesday, I thought I would drop him a text and see how his week went. I texted him, "How did the week go? Have you recovered from the heavy workload over the last couple of weeks?" (because he was telling me last weekend how he had worked a crazy amount of hours for 12 days straight).

 

I sent my text at 12:30 today and now it's after 3 p.m. No reply from him. Or am I overreacting?

 

I just find it rude and would like to say something, but don't know if I would be stepping out of line.

 

Did I do something wrong here, in your opinion?

 

We haven't met yet, but we were planning to soon.

 

Thanks in advance.

[Patrick974]

People online flakes all the time, regardless of gender. He might have found someone else or lose interest at worse.

 

You really shouldnt blast yourself over This. Happen all the time.

[ThatwasThen]

We haven't met yet, but we were planning to soon.

You are placing far too great a value on some guy you've never met. You are likely not the only chickie he is pursuing so take a step back and let him do the pursuing. Keep yourself busy by reinforcing the fact that YOU.ARE.THE.PRIZE that any guy should be happy to be actively pursuing and if he's not doing that then pfffft. to him.

 

You don't know him. Don't make this more important then it actually is.

[milly007]

Thanks for the feedback, guys. I can't help but think, "What a jerk!". This has never happened to me before, where someone hasn't acknowledged my message. So rude. I'm wondering if he isn't replying because I didn't respond to his "No worries. Hope you're having a great day" text. But then again, I didn't think a reply was necessary. Good grief, I'm having one of those "I hate dating" moments.

 

He should at least have the b*lls to acknowledge my message and let me know what's going on. If he wants to move on, fine! If he's pissed, fine! But at least have the gull to be honest and tell me.

[milly007]

I'm guessing texting him again tomorrow and saying something wouldn't be appropriate?

 

I just don't like people getting away with things like this.

 

I wouldn't say anything obnoxious or rude, but I'd like to say something that gets my point accross in a nice way. Any thoughts?

 

Problem is, even if I did think of something, because we haven't met each other yet, I wouldn't want him to think I was crazy.

 

And of all things, we've been chatting since the end of October.

[fitt]

I've been learning that there is the odd jerk out there who will do this. Don't take it personally. They are usually pursuing multiple women at once. Apparently one of the "rules' of online dating is to get the cell phone number as quickly as possible. Maybe he ended up getting response from someone who went into sexting, which would be more exciting to him if he's that type. Don't stress, you've invested very little into it. Texting has allowed us to see how rude and dismissive some people can be. Kind of like a screening tool. Sign of the times. Sigh.

[milly007]

I'm still having a hard time wrapping my mind around this, but then again, there are a ton of people on this site who feel like they've been hit like a ton of bricks. Sometimes I think this is the reason why I'm single. If I'm feeling hurt at this stage, I cannot imagine how I would feel if I were actually in a relationship and then I was blindsided. So, my guard remains up and I invest a limited amount of energy because I'm afraid of being hurt, so when I actually meet a good guy, I stay closed up because I'm afraid of being hurt. Kind of a scary thought. And I'm sure tons of people can relate.

[mhowe]

He isn't getting away with anything.

And texting him again wont change anything.

 

Just let it go.

[milly007]

He isn't getting away with anything.

 

Well, I disagree. He's being rude. I sent him a message asking how his week went, and wondering how he was doing. A message like this should be acknowledged, not ignored. Even if it means telling the person who messaged you that you aren't interested. Doesn't take much effort.

[shellyf62]

I do online dating & this happens a lot. It's called the slow fade out.

You need to stop feeling so angry about this. It is eating you up.

Yes he has bad manners and yes he should have replied to you but he didn't.

The best thing you can do is block his number & move on to the next guy.

Trust me, it is better to happen now than 6 months down the track. He isn't the one for you, go & start looking for that guy!!!

[milly007]

It is eating me up. Does anyone have any idea on what to tell him if he does message me? I want to ensure that if he does, I'm taking the high road and keeping it classy.

[fitt]

something like it was nice chatting with you, all the best and then just don't communicate back. silence speaks louder than words.

[Batya33]

From now on I would limit texts to a few and have one phone conversation or two at most before meeting in person. This is a complete stranger for basically all purposes and there's no reason to type and talk to that extent before meeting unless you're looking for a chat buddy instead of a date/potential relationship.

[HeartGoesOn]

It is eating me up. Does anyone have any idea on what to tell him if he does message me? I want to ensure that if he does, I'm taking the high road and keeping it classy.

 

I would use the gift of silence, it speaks volumes.

[milly007]

I would use the gift of silence, it speaks volumes.

 

It sure does. That's exactly what he's doing to me right now.

[milly007]

From now on I would limit texts to a few and have one phone conversation or two at most before meeting in person. This is a complete stranger for basically all purposes and there's no reason to type and talk to that extent before meeting unless you're looking for a chat buddy instead of a date/potential relationship.

 

I agree. This sucks. He asked me if I wanted to hang out prior to my presentation on Tuesday and I recommended the previous day for an hour or two. He responded by saying that he thought I might be distracted by my upcoming presentation and that we could instead reschedule for some other time. I didn't understand this, since I would not have recommended meeting if I was too busy. I replied to him by saying, "Yeah, maybe some other time. Have a good day." He got back to me on the dating site and told me that he wants to meet me soon and that we seem to be very compatible. Since he left his number in this email to exchange a few texts, I initiated the texting. Then Tuesday/Wednesday came and went, and here we are today. Ugh...

 

I was losing interest because of all the messages and not meeting, but I didn't get a chance to let him know because of what happened today.

 

I'm not a fan of texting, and what happened today is exactly the reason why. Messages can be misconstrued and more than anything, you can build up interest via messaging and then when you meet in person, you realize there's nothing there and a lack of chemistry. Plus, when messaging, you tend to make snap judgments about someone instead of getting to know them in person. Texting/emailing can be dangerous, and too easy. Hence why I wanted to meet briefly last Monday. Jeeez...

[Batya33]

I'm not sure what a plan is to "hang out" -just make a plan to meet for a short period of time (an hour or so tops) in a public place hopefully during the day if you can or early evening. Since you shared with him about your big presentation it sounds like he wasn't sure if you were just being polite in agreeing to a plan (because you are strangers). Once he wanted to reschedule I would have just limited the texting to making/confirming the rescheduled plan. You are in control of limiting the texting if you want "I am really looking forward to meeting you in person -I don't find texting a good way to get to know someone prior to meeting - see you soon!"

 

Sure, it's annoying when someone flakes on rescheduling but move on from it fast so that you can move on to being in contact with new people. And try not to let it get you jaded.

[milly007]

Normally I do something along the lines of what you recommended, Batya. But, I think I got so caught up in the moment and the fact that, in my mind, we were definitely going to meet each other soon (and I thought most definitely this weekend), that I didn't think I had to really limit contact (including exchanging texts with him).

 

And as for my previous email, he didn't ask me to hang out (although those were the words I used). He asked me if I wanted to meet and that he really wanted to meet me soon. Which is why I can't see why things went sideways. I really wish he would tell me; especially if it was an issue that I wasn't aware of, or if it had to do with something being misconstrued. But, it doesn't look like that's going to happen. He may message me at a later date, but I highly doubt it. And anyone with common sense knows that if you don't respond to someone's message within a reasonable amount of time (unless you have a really, really good excuse), you're basically letting the other person know that you aren't interested and that even if you did message them at a later date, that they may be too hurt or angry to respond.

 

And I'm not letting this guy hold me back from meeting others. I was exchanging messages with other people online while he and I were exchanging emails/texts. I refuse to limit myself until the exclusivity talk is had. And who knows, maybe his lack of reply is because he saw me online. Who knows. I'll never know, I guess. I've just never experienced this before (being ignored and not having a message acknowledged...especially after our lengthy communication), so this is going to take some time to absorb.

[mhowe]

Well, I disagree. He's being rude. I sent him a message asking how his week went, and wondering how he was doing. A message like this should be acknowledged, not ignored. Even if it means telling the person who messaged you that you aren't interested. Doesn't take much effort.

 

It takes more effort than ignoring and hoping they go away!

[catfeeder]

I'm guessing texting him again tomorrow and saying something wouldn't be appropriate?

 

I just don't like people getting away with things like this.

 

I wouldn't say anything obnoxious or rude, but I'd like to say something that gets my point accross in a nice way. Any thoughts?

 

Problem is, even if I did think of something, because we haven't met each other yet, I wouldn't want him to think I was crazy.

 

And of all things, we've been chatting since the end of October.

 

Oh, geez, don't do that. The guy is a total stranger who likely landed a meeting with one of the other girls he was messaging and hit it off. That really doesn't require a 'breakup,' and you will come off as strange for being so offended.

 

Don't message guys for a month. Message to screen in or out, and if in, set up a time and place for a quick coffee meet. If he won't do that within a couple weeks, skip him and move onto the next guy.

 

You're assigning far, far too much meaning to text. A stranger remains a stranger until you meet. While some strangers are more polite than others, it's not uncommon for a stranger you haven't even dated yet to go ~poof!~.

 

Think 'resiliency,' detach from fantasy, and move FORward.

 

Head high.

[janesmiley]

I completely agree with what Catfeeder says. I am just getting back out there and my dating skills are rusty...especially my online dating skills. I fell into the trap of talking, texting, and emailing the last guy I dated (who I met online) tooooo much, which ended up creating issues. There was a false sense of intimacy before we even met because we had talked on the phone for hours and hours and hours and both felt like we knew each other and that feelings were developing. The reality was that we had not met yet and did not know each other. In my defense I was on traveling for a few weeks out of the country a few days after we started messaging. Regardless, it imploded and I got my heart broken. He was not the person I thought he was.

 

That was my first attempt at online dating in 6 years. I failed and am trying again. Going forward, I will not talk to someone for more than a week or two before meeting and will be keeping the messages to a minimum. I think it's good to get a sense of someone to see if there could be a potential spark, common interests, etc. but getting face time with the person is so, so important. Like Catfeeder says "a stranger remains a stranger until you meet." And even then, tread lightly until they show you with their actions who they are, not just through words. Good luck to you. Dating is not easy.

[milly007]

It takes more effort than ignoring and hoping they go away!

 

It would take more effort for me to ignore someone; especially after the lengthy communication. I'd feel guilty if I just left someone hanging after they had gone out of their way to see how I was doing. I'd definitely feel like a jerk. Clearly this guy and I are not a match. Yeah, he would find it easier to ignore if he was a coward, didn't have a conscience and didn't believe in karma. The way people operate sometimes seriously makes me wonder and this guy isn't an exception.

[milly007]

Oh, geez, don't do that. The guy is a total stranger who likely landed a meeting with one of the other girls he was messaging and hit it off. That really doesn't require a 'breakup,' and you will come off as strange for being so offended.

 

Don't message guys for a month. Message to screen in or out, and if in, set up a time and place for a quick coffee meet. If he won't do that within a couple weeks, skip him and move onto the next guy.

 

You're assigning far, far too much meaning to text. A stranger remains a stranger until you meet. While some strangers are more polite than others, it's not uncommon for a stranger you haven't even dated yet to go ~poof!~.

 

Think 'resiliency,' detach from fantasy, and move FORward.

 

Head high.

 

I won't message him again, despite me wanting to let him know that I'm surprised by his actions (or inaction, for that matter). Plus, I deleted him and his contact info about three hours after I messaged him and didn't receive a reply.

 

I'm just tired of keeping my expectations low, but subconsciously building up this idea in my mind that maybe I've finally found a good guy.

 

I'm so tired of meeting duds. Ugh. Meeting people online and dating is exhausting.

 

Maybe it's time to take a break.

[saluk]

First, it's still a little early to expect a text back. People can get busy sometimes, especially during the holidays. Getting upset about no response a mere 4 hours later shows that you were investing yourself emotionally a bit more than was warranted for your level of contact. Secondly, it does sound like he flaked on you. Sorry for that, I know what it's like. Someone I recently went out with took 3 days to respond to me saying I'd like to go out again, we made plans, and then she pulled back on the day of our second outing. We still might go out again, but she hasn't texted me back after the last time, so I've mentally thrown that fish back in the pool. If the interest was actually mutual, I think it would be a little clearer, and I won't accept anything less than that.

 

We can't determine how other people are going to act around or treat us, but at least when it comes to dating, we get to decide how much we allow their influence in our life. After a bad dating experience I tend to take a short break, and then try again. And I use the qualifier bad very loosely. When I really look at any of these situations closely after my head clears they aren't really bad - they just didn't end in the lifelong romantic relationship I am pursuing But the ones that don't work out will pave the way to the ones that will.

[milly007]

Yeah, three or four hours isn't that long to wait, and I was thinking that while I was typing my first post for this thread. However, something just felt a bit off, and I think I felt the need to prepare myself for the worst (him flaking). So I thought posting on here would be a good way to vent my frustrations, get some feedback and possibly feel better in the process (especially if the worst happened).

 

Here's hoping I never hear from the guy again; unless, of course, he has a really good excuse, but I'm not holding my breadth.

 

I invested too much time communicating with someone without even having met them. It won't happen again.

 

He seemed like a nice guy. He was an admitted shy, introverted type, and we seemed to have a fair amount in common. But clearly meeting someone in person is the make or break.

 

I think I'm also frustrated at myself for feeling like I could have done more to show my interest in him. My concern is that he didn't get that impression from me and decided to move on.

 

I do, however, think that everything happens for a reason.

 

It sounds like you have quite the situation on your hands too, Saluk.