Is it true that if you give up looking, someone will find you?

[Blue Spiral]

It hasn't been my experience, and I gave up a long time ago, so you'd think something would have happened by now.

[Patrick974]

Giving up for me would be to deactivate my online dating sites accounts.

 

I've been on and off for years with them. I'm usually on 6 months circles, as of recently nothing good came and I'm close to giving up.

 

We'll see.

[faraday]

It hasn't been my experience, and I gave up a long time ago, so you'd think something would have happened by now.

 

Right, but you don't want a gf. You don't respect or even like women...that's why "nothing has happened" for you. Oranges and apples, my friend

 

 

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[Blue Spiral]

Right, but you don't want a gf. You don't respect or even like women...that's why "nothing has happened" for you. Oranges and apples, my friend

 

 

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I'm not your friend. That said, I like women way, way too much, and I respect women just as much as I respect men.

 

I blame evolutionary psychology for the statement in this thread's title, btw. "If you give up, that's when you'll find someone!" is like "There's more to life than sex"--it's a fake-reassuring, actually-mean statement that's meant to encourage people to self-deport from the gene-pool. It's what they tell you when your chances are truly horrible, and they don't expect you to ever find someone. If someone is encouraging you to give up, or not try, they're subconsciously admitting that they think you don't have anything to offer, and that the world is better off without people like you.

 

The Blue Spiral translation: "Yeah, I'm really sorry about how frustrating and disappointing this has been for you...but, the thing is, your experiences are revealing how unfair and awkward this relationship stuff can be. I want my relationship to work/I want to find a relationship, and your mere existence is sort of freaking me out, because it shows that this doesn't always work. So could you please just give up and go away and stop reminding everybody about problems like this? Plus, without you involved, this stuff will be a little less dysfunctional!"

 

Statements like this are no different than a store making sure that potential customers don't hear the complaints of past customers. They've got something to sell (in this case, the idea that relationships are worth it), and they don't want all that negativity around, because it's bad for business. They aren't really interested in solving the previous customers' problems (though they pretend to be), they just want to get them out of the store ASAP.

[faraday]

I know we aren't friends. It's a phrase, dude. I thought we had a decent rapport. I've always held my contempt in check...which not all women on the forum can refrain from regarding you BS.

 

Not all people that have trouble dating are destined to your fate. Most of them can go on and have happy relationships. But not if they dwell in negativity and have already decided that they don't want a relationship. It sounds like the OP is looking for a relationship...so already...you're completely different.

 

If you read up on all the negative reviews before you do something, you will go in with a negative mindset....and even if the experience is good, you won't like it. People should stop reading all the negative reviews of their "grocery store", and determine for themselves if they like "shopping" there. Who knows, maybe "the store" heard their complaints and made changes to become better.

 

You choose the life you live. You create your own happiness.

 

ETA: I also think you completely missed what people have actually been saying in this thread. No one is saying "give up"...they're saying...change your mindset.

[abysmal]

It is not an encouragement to withdrawal from the gene pool; it is rather an appeal for patience and introspection, the latter of which I strongly suggest you take into consideration, because your bitterness is so palpable. It is quite understandable the notion that if you're tiring yourself out and are overwhelmed by a defeatist attitude, you will not succeed.

[jimthzz]

You may or may not stumble accross love by not looking for it. There is noone pulling the strings of fate, as it were.

 

However, what you ought to to do is pursue a full and healthy life. if you hermit yourself then no, there is no chance of finding a darn thing but the can of soup in the cupboard and way too much bad TV on the tube.

[compwhiz345]

I think if you really want to find someone to date who you will have things in common with then coming accross as needy/desperate won't work either. On the other hand "stopping" your looking because "when you stop looking someone will find you" doesn't make much sense either IMO. There's a good balance - a person who wants to date for the short term and have fun doing it still should be out there doing activities and interacting with people where it's more likely they'll meet people who are available to date.

 

As the OP, I'm at a typical crossroads of where I'm at currently and where I would like to be. Over the last few months, things have been up and down regarding meeting people and being too busy to keep in touch with those same people to create basic friendships. FYI, I'm not looking to get married just yet, that's not what this post was originally about. But I have found myself making excuses not to do something about where I'm at currently. Maybe I'm comfortable in my lifestyle right now where a women isn't needed right now. I suppose it's still the age factor and the massive amounts of engagements and pregnant friends starting families that have gotten me under pressure at 25. I don't want to be too far behind the curve. I'm just simply wondering what the odds are if I just stop trying and wait for her to find me by pure luck and/or being at the right place at the right time. The problem with fate is that it can either take too long for something to happen or can lead to a missed opportunity that was not recognized. Who knows, I could missed quite a few already by simply being too occupied in my graduate studies or working. How can one compensate for unknowns like that, let alone recognize the signs?

[Batya33]

I think it's fine if you're not ready for a serious relationship - listen to Dixie Chicks "taking the long way around" -and at your age there's no such thing as "behind the curve" and that's not what marriage/relationships are about anyway. We all make choices -if you're not making friendships/socializing/outside activities a priority right now, that's fine - the downside is you might miss out on opportunities to meet good people but that's always a risk when you reorder your priorities.

 

I definitely wouldn't play the comparison game especially with Facebook-obsessed people.

 

I made looking for a marriage partner a priority starting in my late teens. Some people make it a priority much later. Some people never do. It's all fine.

[Sportster2005]

My question is exactly my title. They that the best things are usually found right in front of your face, but you're usually too occupied looking for something else, that you miss it. So, if I give up looking, is it possible that instead of me furiously looking someone, that my match might find me? What are the odds?

 

No it is not true. Either is:

1. Stop looking and it will find you.

2. It's not you it's me.

3. I never sleep on the first date, I'm just making an exception for you.

4. My account was hacked, that's why my age is incorrect.

5. Size doesn't matter.

6. I'll respect you in the morning.

 

You may find someone when your'e not looking. People confuse this with 'stop looking it will find you'.

[jonny15]

Maybe the saying is true if a person is good looking. But if your butt ugly, no one is going to fall into your lap like the saying seems to imply.

[mhowe]

No one falls in anybody's lap. In order to have a life...you must live a life.

[jonny15]

No one falls in anybody's lap. In order to have a life...you must live a life.

 

Not looking and somehow still finding someone might as well mean they fell into your lap. Someone is looking. Wether it's you, or them.

[PH88]

I can see why people say this, because it rings true in many cases including mine. But there are many different variables that may have an impact on the amount of expectation one may have. In other words, these people who abide by this saying are focused on their lives, or have shifted their focus from relationships that they may have been in or are currently in. By doing something you love, or by doing something you have to do such as work, grocery shopping, I think gives more ground for this to relate to this saying.

 

However, by simply stating that they come when you least expect it, means you are still expecting it in the future in some capacity, because that's human nature. I don't truly believe that everyone "stops" looking. Yes, actively chasing insinuates going to bars, clubs, the beach, online sites, to pick up potential mates. However actively looking implies that you are always on the lookout without truly realizing it. I hope that makes sense I'm half awake and trying to convey something complicated.

[TheDMan05]

This is a saying that attractive, sociable people love to say to shy people. It isn't true.

 

Saying that, I'll find out soon enough because I've effectively given up looking for someone at this point.

[mhowe]

Extroverted sociable people were not necessarily born that way.

I was a shy child and teenager and could see how much of life I was missing out on.

 

So every day...I would do something just a little outside my comfort zone. Say hi to the mail man,

Raise my hand in class....join a club. By the time I got to college, no one would ever have said I was shy.

 

It doesn't matter what age you are...you have to greet life. Some sociable person isn't going to knock on your door and find you.

[faraday]

Extroverted sociable people were not necessarily born that way.

I was a shy child and teenager and could see how much of life I was missing out on.

 

So every day...I would do something just a little outside my comfort zone. Say hi to the mail man,

Raise my hand in class....join a club. By the time I got to college, no one would ever have said I was shy.

 

It doesn't matter what age you are...you have to greet life. Some sociable person isn't going to knock on your door and find you.

 

Exactly.

 

I'm a huge introvert. I work from home alone...I only go out a few nights a week with people...but when I say,"I'm an introvert" no one believes me. You gotta fake it 'til you make it. Smile. Sincerely compliment people. Ask them about themselves. Talk about TV shows, books...whatever common interests you share.

 

Keep in mind that everyone that you talk to has people in their lives...and if you make a friend out of them, they might know your future partner.

 

 

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[TheDMan05]

Extroverted sociable people were not necessarily born that way.

I was a shy child and teenager and could see how much of life I was missing out on.

 

So every day...I would do something just a little outside my comfort zone. Say hi to the mail man,

Raise my hand in class....join a club. By the time I got to college, no one would ever have said I was shy.

 

It doesn't matter what age you are...you have to greet life. Some sociable person isn't going to knock on your door and find you.

 

Nor me, anymore. I'm just too boring and, I suspect, confusing (conversationally) for people to be interested.

 

Try as I might, that isn't changing. I get my hopes up only for them to come crashing down again. I'm fed up of it so I've pretty much accepted being alone now.

[Batya33]

This is a saying that attractive, sociable people love to say to shy people. It isn't true.

 

Saying that, I'll find out soon enough because I've effectively given up looking for someone at this point.

 

I get along great with introverted/reserved people - I am good at making them feel comfortable in their own skin. I've been complimented several times at being able to do this. My husband was very very shy when we first dated and I would say he is on the shyer side. I was shy/socially awkward until I was a teenager - my high school boyfriend was the main person who got me out of my shell,

[happy_snapper]

I'd just like to add something to this discussion, because now I actually have some insight.

 

For a long time I was pretty unhappy with my life in general. I knew I never had a chance with a girl, because I was depressed. Self fulfilling prophesy basically.

 

Later I began to fill my life with interests and activities. I was much happier than I'd been for years, but the only thing "missing" was a girlfriend. This feeling of needing a girl made me a bit desperate, so I spent too much effort on girls who didn't suit me and my desperation was probably visible at times, which everybody knows is unattractive.

 

Then about a month ago I had to temporarily move back into my parents house. I continued with the interests and groups that made up my new, happy life, but I stopped the girlfriend-hunt. I didn't think dating would work while I was living there, so I consciously decided to stop looking for a couple of months, until I had my own place again.

 

So I was going to these meetup groups, meeting people with shared interests, having fun, talking to whoever I liked without trying to be somebody else or trying to impress them. Being relaxed, comfortable... I didn't even care if people knew I was a 28-year-old who was living with my parents, because I had a reason and it's only until early January.

 

And it was in this state-of-mind that I met CJ. At first she was just a friend, which probably wouldn't have happened if I was still in woman-hunter mode, then we really started to get to know each other and now we've just started dating.

 

 

It doesn't just happen, a lot of luck is needed and as people have said, you need to be happy in yourself. But I can definitely see what people mean by it.

[IvanKaramazov]

Extroverted sociable people were not necessarily born that way.

I was a shy child and teenager and could see how much of life I was missing out on.

 

So every day...I would do something just a little outside my comfort zone. Say hi to the mail man,

Raise my hand in class....join a club. By the time I got to college, no one would ever have said I was shy.

 

It doesn't matter what age you are...you have to greet life. Some sociable person isn't going to knock on your door and find you.

Being extremely introverted, I've tried something like this myself. Every once in a while I decide to try to exit my 'comfort zone' and go to a bar or something... and almost the moment I'm through the door, and I hear the obnoxiously loud rap music, the throngs of binge drinking people with all their friends all talking at the same time while watching some sports game on TV I don't care about, and it occurs to be how much I'd rather be at home reading an old book while listening to a symphony on youtube. And then I leave and go home immediately and do just that.

 

As I see it, some people have more idiosyncratic personalities or interests than others. The more idiosyncratic (or 'weird' we could say) one is, the harder one will generally find it to 'fit in' socially, unless one is very extroverted (and even such extroverts can be outcasts). And if we assume that a certain measure of similarity is prerequisite to finding a 'special someone', or they finding you, then the lower the chances of that actually happening. The multiplicative rule of probability applies: a la the odds of one white buffalo running into another.

[happpybear]

So I was going to these meetup groups, meeting people with shared interests, having fun, talking to whoever I liked without trying to be somebody else or trying to impress them. Being relaxed, comfortable... I didn't even care if people knew I was a 28-year-old who was living with my parents, because I had a reason and it's only until early January.

 

And it was in this state-of-mind that I met CJ. At first she was just a friend, which probably wouldn't have happened if I was still in woman-hunter mode, then we really started to get to know each other and now we've just started dating.

 

I think it's very alluring when someone does their own thing and is comfortable in their own skin enough to go through life independently with comfort. There is a an air of ease and obvious self-possession in people that are comfortable being single, and not necessarily "given-up" on dating, but just have taken a more chilled-out mind frame to just let things be. If it happens, then it happens. If it doesn't well, at least you made/are making an awesome life for yourself regardless.

 

I met most of my BF's when I was not looking. My last BF, I met when I was not looking, and also in hermit mode...so it can happen.

 

Being extremely introverted, I've tried something like this myself. Every once in a while I decide to try to exit my 'comfort zone' and go to a bar or something... and almost the moment I'm through the door, and I hear the obnoxiously loud rap music, the throngs of binge drinking people with all their friends all talking at the same time while watching some sports game on TV I don't care about, and it occurs to be how much I'd rather be at home reading an old book while listening to a symphony on youtube. And then I leave and go home immediately and do just that.

 

As I see it, some people have more idiosyncratic personalities or interests than others. The more idiosyncratic (or 'weird' we could say) one is, the harder one will generally find it to 'fit in' socially, unless one is very extroverted (and even such extroverts can be outcasts). And if we assume that a certain measure of similarity is prerequisite to finding a 'special someone', or they finding you, then the lower the chances of that actually happening. The multiplicative rule of probability applies: a la the odds of one white buffalo running into another.

 

I am very introverted too. I think really introverted types do better at OLD. I agree that putting oneself out of one's comfort zone does indeed help to get over shyness, as this is exactly what I did to get over mine, but you will never get over being introverted. If you want to increase your odds of meeting others there are some things you can do aside from going to clubs or sports bars (I avoid both of those venues like the plague!).

 

For example, when I go to a cafe with the newspaper crossword puzzle, I always end up in a chat with someone in the cafe, always. It's so easy...Those things you love to do alone, many times you can go somewhere and do them in public--it gets you out and noticed at the very least.

[happpybear]

Exactly.

 

I'm a huge introvert. I work from home alone...I only go out a few nights a week with people...but when I say,"I'm an introvert" no one believes me. You gotta fake it 'til you make it. Smile. Sincerely compliment people. Ask them about themselves. Talk about TV shows, books...whatever common interests you share.

 

Keep in mind that everyone that you talk to has people in their lives...and if you make a friend out of them, they might know your future partner.

 

 

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Ya, I agree with this, just being sociable with people (a pleasant smile, a compliment) really goes a long way. I used to work in retail, and as a shy introvert, that was really hard for me at first. After 2 months I was the best sales person on the floor, because I greeted and chit-chatted with everyone who walked in, and I complimented people all the time. When women came in the store with their kids, I would usually goof around with the kids so that the mom could actually try stuff on and browse.

 

I had so many loyal customers who would only let me help them, and I regularly had people offer me jobs at other stores or customer service type businesses because they liked the way I handled people. And no, I wasn't doing any of this to get commission--because commission wasn't apart of the companies pay structure. I did this in an effort to get over being shy. But it also taught me that it's really easy to make connections with people--everyone, before this I was so awkward around people. A kind word or smile goes a long way, it makes people remember you.

 

And like faraday wrote, you never know who you might meet, it could be your future spouse or your future MIL.

[mhowe]

There are steps...and there are poor choices. Going into a crowded, noisy bar is a bit extreme. Going to a book reading, a lecture, a volunteer organization...these are steps.out of your comfort zone that might produce results. The chance of finding your white buffalo in the noisy bar approaches zero.

[Bismark776]

My feeling is that, for those people who haven't met someone because they keep trying to "force" their relationships into serious dating situations, this strategy will work. You stop trying to push everything too fast and you can take the time to let things develop naturally. I think people who give the advice that "you'll find someone when you stop looking" this is what they're thinking of. Additionally, in my experience, that advice is given by women most of the time. Its easy for women to say "stop looking" because they don't have to initiate things and options will still present themselves whether they're trying to find them or not.

 

However, for those of us, like me, who basically don't ever meet anyone, are never asked out, and usually get turned down on the rare occasions we do ask someone else out, its a death sentence for finding someone. When you're only getting a few dates a year and you're actively trying, if you stop trying altogether then its just not going to happen for you.