So my gf of two years broke up with me...

[BrokenGator]

Google the explanations that go with this, if you want. It might be interesting. Whatever the outcome, it's clear she wanted something she wasn't feeling with you. It's not a value judgment about you. It's just a compatibility issue.

 

link removed

 

I agree with you. But if she doesn't communicate it concretely.. then how does she know I can't fulfill it? I know that when I want/expect something from her, I tell her. If she can't meet it, I understand... she's able to fulfill my other needs.

[BrokenGator]

Google the explanations that go with this, if you want. It might be interesting. Whatever the outcome, it's clear she wanted something she wasn't feeling with you. It's not a value judgment about you. It's just a compatibility issue.

 

link removed

 

 

Your Scores

 

11 Physical Touch

6 Acts of Service

6 Quality Time

5 Words of Affirmation

2 Receiving Gifts

[ojk85]

Yes I understand what you mean. To be honest with you, I really hope we can work this out. You might think i'm dense... hardheaded...etc.. lol Before she acted like this, she was the type of person I was looking for forever.

 

Man, I feel yah, my ex was my ideal woman. I'm so close to contacting her, by the skin of my tooth, but I just of it like she gave up on us for a reason, and if I love her enough I would give her that time. Being selfless is a really grown up way to make decisions. Even of its painful to let her go, it might be for the best. If its meant to be it will, think on that.

[BrokenGator]

Man, I feel yah, my ex was my ideal woman. I'm so close to contacting her, by the skin of my tooth, but I just of it like she gave up on us for a reason, and if I love her enough I would give her that time. Being selfless is a really grown up way to make decisions. Even of its painful to let her go, it might be for the best. If its meant to be it will, think on that.

So you're not really hoping for her anymore?

[LatinBarbie16]

When someone wants to be with you they will be with you. When someone wants to call you they really will call you.

 

It has taken me awhile to learn this & accept it. And once you too learn & accept this you will feel much better.

 

Trust me I know break ups suck. But the more you try to think about what she's thinking or what can you do to make it better the worse it is for you.

 

The only person you can control is you. Leave her alone, cry & be angry for awhile. But don't let this drive you crazy & suck the life out of you. Life is so short. This will pass. If she's meant to be your girl she will be. If not, you will meet another. Yes your heart may be broken again but that's the risk you take with love.

 

Do not pick up that phone & call her. She was the one who ended it not you. She should be the one reaching out to you if she wants to be with you. But she isn't calling or reaching out to you. She isn't flat out saying sorry I made a mistake. So leave her alone like you have been doing.. And focus on yourself. Stop wasting your time trying to figure out why she changed her mind.

 

Good Luck!

[IAmFCA]

Your Scores

 

11 Physical Touch

6 Acts of Service

6 Quality Time

5 Words of Affirmation

2 Receiving Gifts

 

When taking this test, did it help you think about ways you want to show love and how they differ from ways you want to receive love? Did it help you think about ways your gf may have wanted to receive love that may differ from how you most naturally to show it?

 

And to your other questions: why wouldn't she just tell you? As we learn how to make relationships, we don't know how to speak what we want, explicitly. It doesn't feel like a gift if we request it first. As we grow up, we realize we are simply telling other people what works for us, its more mechanical. If she needed you do things without her telling you, you were in a winless place of her own making.

 

It sounds to me like your gf was seeking affirmation that you cared for her, didn't find it, and moved on. Whether you cared for her or not is not the issue. It may be that you could have handed the moon, and she would not have believed you, because she herself didn't think she was worth loving that much. Or it may be that her 5 love languages differ from yours in ways that make you incompatible.

 

Just accept it and move on, as hard as it is. You will find a more appropriate match, in time.

[BrokenGator]

I'm not so sure I agree with you. You should be able to communicate with someone what you like and don't like. You can't just make assumptions otherwise failure will happen every time with everyone.

[IAmFCA]

I'm not so sure I agree with you. You should be able to communicate with someone what you like and don't like. You can't just make assumptions otherwise failure will happen every time with everyone.

 

Careful: I didn't prescribe what should and shouldn't happen, only what does happen, right or wrong. "You should be able to..." in your own sentence shows your judgment of her skills. You may be right. At the same time, she can't do what is beyond her capability. Love is accepting each other at whatever level we are at, in current time. She tried to tell you what she needs using the language she could find; that is all she could do.

 

You heard her using the knowledge you have, that is all you could do. The gap between you represents what neither of you knew.

[BrokenGator]

Careful: I didn't prescribe what should and shouldn't happen, only what does happen, right or wrong. "You should be able to..." in your own sentence shows your judgment of her skills. You may be right. At the same time, she can't do what is beyond her capability. Love is accepting each other at whatever level we are at, in current time. She tried to tell you what she needs using the language she could find; that is all she could do.

 

You heard her using the knowledge you have, that is all you could do. The gap between you represents what neither of you knew.

I understand. After she broke up with me I did a lot of thinking and wrote her a long letter explaining things I could work on to improve the relationship to make her feel more loved and appreciated. So she knows I'm always willing to work things out.

[IAmFCA]

I understand. After she broke up with me I did a lot of thinking and wrote her a long letter explaining things I could work on to improve the relationship to make her feel more loved and appreciated. So she knows I'm always willing to work things out.

 

Good for you: you've said what you need to say to allow you to walk away, knowing you have represented yourself as best you can at this time. In time, what you would say to her will change: if/when that happens, recognize that as signs of change within yourself, and say nothing to her. Let her remain knowing she is welcome. Whenever, if ever, she opens that door, how you welcome her will be up to you - as a distant hello, a potential new friend, a potential love interest - it will be as if you are starting from scratch.

 

The only way not to rehash what's been done before is to leave it, fully, and go become whoever you are becoming next. We all grow, if we are lucky, our whole lives. So a year from now or two you will form relationships that have different dynamics than this one. If some patterns repeat, recognize that as a pointer to something about yourself that may be worth exploring in new and challenging ways.

 

Until then, find peace, move on, change what you choose.

[BrokenGator]

To be honest with you I don't want to think of a life without her.

[saluk]

Yes we know you don't want to think of that. Your brain is afraid of going there... but that's where you eventually will have to go.

 

The thing I've come to believe about breaking up through my own process, is that the person who is breaking up KNOWS they want to break up. They are fairly sure that they want to. I mean it's a big step to take, not one you take lightly. However, getting beyond "I feel like breaking up" and actually articulating why isn't easy. It would take a long post to enumerate what happened in my situation, but TL;DR she didn't follow the advice of "be yourself", instead it was "be saluk's perfect girlfriend". So our relationship was kind of fake, but it wasn't anyone's fault. But at the time that wasn't any of the reasons that were given for the breakup. This was something she learned in 2 years, and I've reasoned about it for long enough that her explanation is plausible to me. I don't know what went on with you, but "not going to dinner enough" probably is just a small problem that's easily identifiable, which is masking something deeper. Only time will tell.

 

And most people don't actually get that real answer.

 

Your best bet is to work on the things that you know you can work on, like learning how to be single again. There are good values that you can learn from being single that will help in a relationship. People who are very confident in themselves can be relied upon more easily by another person. There are things you can learn while being single that are difficult to learn when you have someone intimately watching your every move. Use this opportunity, and don't focus too much on the future and what your life will look like long term. Wishing she will come back, or dreading a life without her, will ultimately keep you down. The more grounded you can be to life NOW, moment to moment, the better.

[BrokenGator]

She talked to me today... and she reiterated that she's not changing her mind and her feelings for me are gone. I asked her then why has she been telling me how much she loved me and how much she cared for me and how amazing I was and how passionate we were together. She just said, yeah, I thought that, but not anymore. I did so much for her and her family trusting that her feelings and love for me were true.

 

I'm sorry, but what kind of person would act this way?

[mhowe]

I suspect she has her eyes on someone else.

[maccerz]

She talked to me today... and she reiterated that she's not changing her mind and her feelings for me are gone. I asked her then why has she been telling me how much she loved me and how much she cared for me and how amazing I was and how passionate we were together. She just said, yeah, I thought that, but not anymore. I did so much for her and her family trusting that her feelings and love for me were true.

 

I'm sorry, but what kind of person would act this way?

 

Im so sorry, it's the hardest thing to hear someone you love say something like this to you. However her feelings and love for you WERE true, she wasn't lying, she just no longer feels that way anymore. Please don't let this tarnish your attitude to love in general, yes this happens in some relationships and it's awful but I'm a big believer in 'what's meant for u won't pass u' For now I think u need to try your best to focus on you, learn to be happy on your own! Being single and happy after a relationship (it takes time) is one of the most liberating feelings in the world and you learn SO much about yourself.

[saluk]

She talked to me today... and she reiterated that she's not changing her mind and her feelings for me are gone. I asked her then why has she been telling me how much she loved me and how much she cared for me and how amazing I was and how passionate we were together. She just said, yeah, I thought that, but not anymore. I did so much for her and her family trusting that her feelings and love for me were true.

 

I'm sorry, but what kind of person would act this way?

 

A person who REALLY no longer loves you. More evidence that there wasn't anything you did wrong that made her break up. I know you feel like you got stabbed in the gut, but it's good to have been shut down so clearly. The way forward is to realize that you had a good, valuable, meaningful experience with this person; but the time of the two of you has passed. If you can, try no contact. If you feel like you still need to hang out with the group occasionally, do so - in limited doses - but be very strict with keeping your focus off of her, and don't speak of the relationship to her anymore. Outside the group, no contact at all.

 

Find other things to focus on, and take it one day, one step at a time. Your life has changed, but it will continue! And it may get better. I don't even have a GF right now, but I am in a much better place than I was in my last relationship - I'm probably in the best place in my life so far. I needed that relationship, both having it and losing it, to get to where I am.

[BrokenGator]

I suspect she has her eyes on someone else.

Why do you say that?

[mhowe]

Because this appears sudden, for no apparent reason and she shows no confusion about her decision.

 

Then again, I may be wrong. But younger women are usually very conflicted about a break up.

[kbbcoop77]

My suspicion is the same, she has her eyes on someone else. Look, even a monkey has a firm grasp on the next vine before letting go of the old one. I read this whole thread and I knew you would feel like crap after that party, even though you felt great. Why? Because you saw her and had contact. You have to go NO CONTACT and heal now. No more hanging out or you are screwed. Even the mutual friend situation is not good for you as the one who was dumped. I was dumped 9 months ago and I've learned a lot, and that was a 24 year relationship. I spent WAYYY TO LONG hoping and in contact with her and it's no good for you. She's made her mind up, the sooner you initiate no contact the sooner you will heal. The more you hound her the further away you'll drive her. If she wants to come back she will, but you can't count on that or wait for her or you're screwed. Trust me on this. NO CONTACT is your salvation.

[BrokenGator]

I really don't think she has her eyes in someone else.

[mhowe]

It doesn't matter anymore. She has 100% told you it is history.

[kbbcoop77]

Nobody wants to think that but Mhowe is right. Gotta focus on you now, you can't force someone to want to be with you. Believe me I know. She's made her mind up. I know it sucks and you're gonna hurt for a bit. But you can help yourself by cutting her off and out of our life.

[BrokenGator]

You're right it doesn't matter anymore. I think anyone who can just give up like that for no apparent reason was either playing me the entire time, lives in a fairytale world, or has some psychological issues. I hope I didn't offend anyone here by that statement.

[BrokenGator]

Because this appears sudden, for no apparent reason and she shows no confusion about her decision.

 

Then again, I may be wrong. But younger women are usually very conflicted about a break up.

She might have been conflicted before. If she was struggling about something why wouldn't she talk to me about whatever it is that was bothering her? I don't have a problem talking something out to find a resolution.

[mhowe]

You are now obsessing about somerhing you cannot change....the past. Let it go.