So my gf of two years broke up with me...

[ojk85]

I went through the same thing recently, was about two weeks ago when we broke up, we were together for 2 1/2 yrs. We always talked about getting married and settling down. I got close to her family and always provided help whenever needed. I was in it 120%, I was window shopping for an engagement ring, I've been saving for our future, I always imagine how I will propose to her and how were gonna plan our marriage. Then suddenly she made me feel that our relationship was being a burden, we decided to end it. I felt betrayed and I don't know if I can trust her again...

 

It would take a lot for us to get back together. For now, I just plan to rebuild myself and try to reach my personal goals. Good luck man, it will pass. Its hard when you get fixated on what could have been, take this time to focus on yourself. Take care!

[BrokenGator]

I am in so much emotional pain. I just don't get why it has to be like this. I did nothing to deserve this... I was such a good boyfriend. I feel so lead on.

[mhowe]

She didn't lead you on. For the first 2 years ---- what you saw was what you got.

Then --- her feelings changed.

 

And you need to learn that some things you can change, and some you can't ---- and this is one of them. Look up the Serenity Prayer.

 

It is hard --- especially when there isn't something or someone to blame. But it does pass.

[BrokenGator]

She didn't lead you on. For the first 2 years ---- what you saw was what you got.

Then --- her feelings changed.

 

And you need to learn that some things you can change, and some you can't ---- and this is one of them. Look up the Serenity Prayer.

 

It is hard --- especially when there isn't something or someone to blame. But it does pass.

 

Why would I even want to be in another relationship? Why would I even want to give 110% into another one? This is normal? People's feelings just change after two years? I can do everything I possibly can into another relationship, bend over backwards for them, because they tell me how much they love me to just have them change their feelings just like that? How can I trust any other relationship?

[mhowe]

This is your anger talking and it is normal.

 

Her reaction (loss of feelings) --- is this normal? For some, yes. They like the honeymoon stage and don't want to delve into the deeper romantic connection.

 

You cannot treat everyone else as though they will act like your ex.

[BrokenGator]

This is your anger talking and it is normal.

 

Her reaction (loss of feelings) --- is this normal? For some, yes. They like the honeymoon stage and don't want to delve into the deeper romantic connection.

 

You cannot treat everyone else as though they will act like your ex.

 

I'm not really angry. I'm sad. I don't want to go through this again. I don't want to give someone everything I possibly have to only have them just throw it aside after they are done with it. I feel used because she lead me to believe that things were awesome. That she wanted to marry me and all the other flowery stuff she told me. How lucky she is to have me, etc... If someone else tells me all of that stuff, how can I trust it?

[mhowe]

Because everyone else isn't your gf!!!!

 

Analogous to if she cheated on you ---- doesn't mean all women cheat and you should never date again.

 

Each person is an individual. You may see your ex get into another relationship -- and then leave it. Sooner, in fact. Because she is possibly the type that chases the high of the beginning. And each time, it will get shorter.

 

It is normal to feel sad now. And disappointed that your best wasn't good enough. What you have to remember ---- is that your best IS good enough.

Nothing YOU said or did caused this.....it came from within her.

[BrokenGator]

I'm not trying to be difficult but I don't see it as cheating. You either cheat or you don't. But in this case, it's about her feelings. Anyone can control if they will cheat or not. What about feelings of love? Apparently those can't be controlled.

[mhowe]

I don't see it as cheating either!!!! It was an analogy.

 

You cannot "control" your feelings.

 

Could she have told you that her feelings were changing and she didn't know what to do? Yes.

But she CHOSE not to. And that WAS in her control.

[BrokenGator]

I don't see it as cheating either!!!! It was an analogy.

 

You cannot "control" your feelings.

 

Could she have told you that her feelings were changing and she didn't know what to do? Yes.

But she CHOSE not to. And that WAS in her control.

 

Like I said before, we've had fights and arguments. Maybe she was falling out of love with me. Maybe the "newness" of the relationship started going away after a while. I didn't neglect her. We were always doing something together. Either just lounging around at each's places, hanging out with friends and family, or doing something together. Maybe she didn't think I did enough of these things?

[mhowe]

Dude....you gotta stop taking the blame for all of this.

 

Bottom line....she could have shared how she was felling and then both of you could have searched for a solution. Instead...she chose to leave.

[BrokenGator]

Dude....you gotta stop taking the blame for all of this.

 

Bottom line....she could have shared how she was felling and then both of you could have searched for a solution. Instead...she chose to leave.

 

I understand. But what if she was trying to share it and I didn't listen? What if that one time we planned to go to dinner but we couldn't because I had to work late? What if little things like these over time just added up? If we couldn't go to dinner, we did something else instead.

[mhowe]

You are trying to overlay logic on an emotional decision.

 

Where is her responsibilty in this relationship? Were you supposed to read her mind?

IF she had voiced any dissatisfaction... I am sure you would have addressed it.

She didnt.

[BrokenGator]

You are trying to overlay logic on an emotional decision.

 

Where is her responsibilty in this relationship? Were you supposed to read her mind?

IF she had voiced any dissatisfaction... I am sure you would have addressed it.

She didnt.

 

One thing I know she complained about is that I didn't take her out to dinner enough. I tried to do it as much as I can. Maybe sh thinks I don't appreciate her enough. I'm just trying to make sense. I'm always driving her around, always taking her to places. Like I said, we are always doing something... we are always together.

[mhowe]

You dont break up over not going out to dinner enough.

[BrokenGator]

You dont break up over not going out to dinner enough.

 

At least a reasonable person wouldn't.

[IAmFCA]

Most relationships break up over a lack of an emotional connection - going out to dinner etc, if that was the stated issue, was surely a proxy for something else. It may have been a symbol for Wanting to feel special, to feel a spark, to feel a more intimate connection with you, or from you for her.

 

Whatever -- this kind of thinking will drive you mad.

 

Instead: Look inside yourself, and see if there are things you can do better, that you want to do better. This GF will not be the beneficiary of that learning - AND THAT IS OKAY. She is who you attracted with your current emotyonal skill set. As you grow, you will attract different people. Keep growing.

[BrokenGator]

I think we had an emotional connection. If dinner was her way of emotionally connect... then I'm not so sure that is really mature. But she didn't state that as the issue. She did however say that I don't take her out to dinner enough. But instead we do other things together. Go to the zoo, cook together, go shopping, go to a wine/chocolate festival, etc... like i said a few posts up, we're always in each other presence.

[saluk]

If you had a time machine you could go back and try different things... go out more, talk more, see each other a little less often... But you don't know from here whether any of those would end up in a better outcome. You can speculate on this stuff for YEARS. Don't get into that spiral, it never ends, trust me. Without being able to test your assumptions, you can think one thing one day, and another thing another day, without ever getting any answers.

 

How do you want to live your life? You sound like you were a decent boyfriend, but like everyone, I'm sure there are things you could do better. Now is your chance to really look into yourself and see what YOU want to change. Not what someone who decided they didn't want you wants to change. What do YOU want to change? You are completely free now to define for yourself however you want to live. Hopefully it will be a positive change, and there will someday be someone who can appreciate that person you are becoming.

 

My girlfriend dumping me was probably one of the best things that happened to me. Use this as much as you can to be a positive in your life.

 

In the short term, it's good that you were able to handle yourself at the party. However you are still very focused on how she reacts to how you behave. I've been in many of these kinds of situations with my ex, sometimes I handled myself like you did, sometimes it was harder. Sometimes she acted one way, sometimes she acted another. What really helped me was when I started deciding how I was going to act for myself rather than for her. Things started to change for me when I stopped judging her reactions. She will act how she will act. There is only so much you can read there without being able to read her mind; and it doesn't help you any to try. Hopefully things will settle down over time, as you start being able to focus on other things. For yourself. Not a fake focus to get a reaction.

 

My ex and I are friends now, to the point that we can talk to each other about who we are dating, and we are both OK. I know you will be OK at some point too.

[BrokenGator]

Yes I understand what you mean. To be honest with you, I really hope we can work this out. You might think i'm dense... hardheaded...etc.. lol Before she acted like this, she was the type of person I was looking for forever.

[saluk]

No I don't think you are dense or hardheaded. I'm just at the end of my whole thang, and see a lot of similarities both in how she seems to be acting around you and how you feel about things. Obviously they might not be the same, and your situation might turn out differently... but when I was going through it that's exactly what I said to anyone who had a similar story that didn't work out.

 

My ex and I did talk recently (it's been 2+ years since BU) and I got the answers to most of my questions. They are the answers I expected to get at this point. I am at a point in my healing and growth to be very content with the answers. But if I had heard those same answers 2 years ago it would have hurt, and I wouldn't have been able to process them. I would have said, "well that's what you might think is going on, but I KNOW deep down you REALLY do love me!"

 

So you just have to walk the path to find out where it leads It's OK to hope for a better outcome, just be very careful where you are spending your energies.

[BrokenGator]

What was the reason that she eventually told you?

[IAmFCA]

What was the reason that she eventually told you?

 

Being together all the time does not equal having an emotional connection. My hypothesis is not that she wanted you to take her to dinner, per se, but that she didn't feel cherished by you, and/or that she wanted a lifestyle that allowed her to dress up more, you to show her off more. From those acts, she might have felt you were more enthusiastic about her, that you were investing more out of your joy of just being her man, putting yourselves in traditional male/female roles by going on more formal dates or treating her more traditionally sometimes. Going traditional with it accentuates each persons genDer as each follows social norms, and it becomes almost sexy for some people.

 

Hanging out, jeans, sweats, and sweaters can get stale. Or, can suggest he's just not that into you, that the woman has become, simply, convenient.

 

In short, you aren't well suited. The way she feels affection is not the way you enjoy giving it. Mismatch.

[BrokenGator]

I can feel affection in any way. I don't only feel affection one way or another. We've already been going out numerous times dressed up to dinners or parties where I "show her off". Maybe she wanted more of it. But she also wanted to do other things like going to events with friends and families, hobbies, and tending to other obligations. We agreed it was all about balance. She def got affection that she said she loved.

[IAmFCA]

Google the explanations that go with this, if you want. It might be interesting. Whatever the outcome, it's clear she wanted something she wasn't feeling with you. It's not a value judgment about you. It's just a compatibility issue.

 

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