Why am I attracted to men who treat me badly?

[Electra]

Sometimes, when I'm seeing someone who is being downright abusive towards me, instead of feeling repelled by them I feel attracted to them and I don't understand why.

 

Years ago I had a relationship with a man who felt that it was fun to hurt me physically during sex and to crush my ribs. It did not end well. I tried to get out of it unsuccessfully. I knew that what he was doing was wrong but I felt so attracted to him I wanted to carry on seeing him and eventually I went back to him. Then I had another 'normal' relationship in between.

 

Recently I've been seeing another man. I forced myself to cut him off after he kept on trying to force me to do things sexually that I did not want to and then getting angry with me when I would not. He was very big and did not understand that I found certain positions painful as a result. I felt that he treated me like a blow up doll and ordered me around in bed. Even though he has been quite horrible really, I still feel attracted to him and I still feel as though I want to see him. I am stronger this time and I am fairly confident I won't go back but I still have moments of weakness.

 

I don't want to feel attracted to abusive people. So why would I be? Does anyone else have this problem?

[Sportster2005]

You should take this up with a professional. The advice here is often good, but with something as important as this I wouldn't trust it to amateurs.

[blueidealist24]

Is it just because you find them attractive physically, maybe? I'm never attracted to men who seem physically abusive (I've never experienced any physical abuse, besides a drunk guy twisting my arm really hard at a party, hard enough to bruise it, while calling me a b*tch), but sometimes I'm attracted to rude or verbally abusive men sort of against my will/against my own sanity because they're good-looking.

[mhowe]

Please seek professional help. This is not a professional site.

[notalady]

Definitely go for professional help. Sounds like some deep seated psychological issues you got there that no one here can offer any real help.

 

But in response to your question I don't have that problem, and well adjusted, mentally and emotionally healthy people do not have that problem.

[ParisPaulette]

This is an excellent question to ask a therapist and to explore whether or not there are other areas of your life where you respond to abuse or abusive behaviors. If yes, then that may give you an added area to look at, but is it normal to be attracted to someone who hurts you? No, it isn't. You do seem to recognize that it isn't and you have enough self-preservation to have walked away twice, which tells me you do have the means to stop it altogether.

 

What you need to do is explore this all with a licensed professional. The reasons can range from something in your formative years like an abusive relative to the fact you form attachments too quickly and so feel that way about everyone including the abusive ones to etc. etc. The bottom line is that's not something you're going to get a quick answer to on a public forum, but the fact that you are asking that question is a very good sign. It means you know something isn't quite right and you want to fix it and that's always a good thing.

[Tinydance]

Well yes I agree with getting professional help but I think some possible reasons may be that you have very low self-esteem esteem and sense of self-worth and deep down don't think you don't deserve to be treated better. Also could be because you are masochistic in relationships, not sexually but just in the way you behave.

[Electra]

I've had professional help before to try to fix my boundaries. As a previous poster said, in both cases it was that I was physically attracted to them - not that every relationship I had was like this. But I suppose I feel that for most people the abuse would completely override any feelings about wanting to see them again. I have personality disordered parents so it's not surprising that my boundaries aren't as good as they should be. This is not something easy to fix. I guess I am trying to gauge how others feel when they leave a situation like this. And it seems that most people would surely not look back.

[blueidealist24]

I've had professional help before to try to fix my boundaries. As a previous poster said, in both cases it was that I was physically attracted to them - not that every relationship I had was like this. But I suppose I feel that for most people the abuse would completely override any feelings about wanting to see them again. I have personality disordered parents so it's not surprising that my boundaries aren't as good as they should be. This is not something easy to fix. I guess I am trying to gauge how others feel when they leave a situation like this. And it seems that most people would surely not look back.

 

I think if you're used to abusive behaviour (like because of your family) you'd likely perceive it as less bad and more normal than the average person who hadn't experienced abuse would... so the abusiveness wouldn't always override the attraction in your case.

[patterned]

You know you're triggered by poor treatment. But you also know how you want to be treated. That's great. Simply recognizing that you're drawn to something that's not good for you is a start toward reevaluating how you perceive pain an trouble vs attraction.

[Cheetarah]

OP, you are not an anomaly. Most people aren't even aware of how to label the dynamics between themselves and other people in situations like that. There's plenty of people that do what you do even ones here on this forum, they just don't even have the awareness.

 

With that being said, none of us can really delve into the 'whys' for you and if 'why' is very important to you(it personally always has been for me - I never found it enough to merely change how I interact with people but want to know what sets that off to begin with), I think it's good to talk to a therapist where you can have some kind of insight directed therapy rather than something simply structured to change how you interact. Or, a combination.

 

But I suppose I feel that for most people the abuse would completely override any feelings about wanting to see them again.But I suppose I feel that for most people the abuse would completely override any feelings about wanting to see them again.

 

It would, in theory. I can easily say right now that I would be appalled by abusive treatment but if I was in the thick of it, where I'd been conditioned TO receive such treatment through childhood and specific relationships, it would be a different story.

 

If you have disordered parents, growing up in that sort of environment has certainly affected your definitions of 'normal' and acceptable treatment. People who abuse us can wield a particular sort of power and familiarity - Even when you are repulsed by it - That keeps you strongly attached to them(which is, well...their goal). The good part here is that you are intellectually aware that this is not ok stuff and you don't want it, but emotionally you feel differently. The goal is to connect the two. I don't think just working on boundaries is going to be helpful for you when you've got an undeniable attraction. Yes, it will help steer you away from unhealthy situations but you will still be left with all these questions and such. So I think maybe, you might want to try a different kind of therapy.