Online Dating Questions

[Btmnk21]

So I am 2 months out of a 10 month relationship. It was a bad breakup that I initiated followed by 5-6 weeks of harassment from my ex (bragging about her new bf, calling me names, threatening RO- full story can probably be found in my profile). I still think about my ex and regret breaking up, so maybe I am still too fresh for dating which is playing into my current situation.

 

So I am active on OKC and POF, partly to keep me distracted and because I do want to find someone special. I want a family, house, kids, etc. I am not afraid to start a conversation with a new girl, but I do think it's important to have balance in the initial communications. I am not a fan of chasing the girl.

 

Girl #1: She "liked" me first, and then we started to exchange online messages and then phone numbers. It was fun and light hearted. We texted for a bit, but I was travelling internationally and couldn't meet up. When I got back home the texts had stopped and it's been about 3 weeks w/o a message.

 

Girl #2: I messaged her first, saying "we should make this Facebook official already". She responded back in a very positive way saying she liked that line and it made her laugh, we exchanged basic getting to know you messages, and then I gave her my number if she wanted to keep chatting via phone. So far it's been two weeks without a message.

 

Girl #3: She visited my profile and since I thought she was cute I told her it was "rude to stop by without saying hell"o. She laughed and we started chatting before exchanging phone numbers. We discussed meeting up this weekend, but I am again travelling all week in Europe (part of my job). I said we could do it after I got back (no direct reply to this) and then we exchanged about 5 more texts about my travel plans and what places she had visited in Europe. I asked a question about her past travels and she did not reply (this was 3 days ago).

 

Girl #4: I messaged her because she had interest in a TV show that I really like and I had not seen any girl list in their profile before. I asked her when the next season was coming out (obvi something I could google, but an ice breaker) and she responded with the info and a smiley face. I thanked her and asked her how she liked living in my city because she recently moved from accross the country. So far no response after a few days.

 

 

So I guess my main question is am I doing something wrong?

 

Am I reading too much into the lack of responses? Is this normal for online dating-chat, chat, text, text, then silence?

 

Should I ever reach out after a period of silence or is that "creepy"?

 

thanks

[Batya33]

The way I liked to behave with people I was first in contact with through an online dating site was to keep the typing and talking to a minimum before meeting in a public place for 45 minutes or an hour, ASAP after the first contact. The point of being in contact was to see if I would be comfortable talking to that person in person for a short time and to do safety screening (was he lying about anything? how did he behave on the phone?). If someone said he was busy because he was out of town I would make a note of it and expect to hear from him again when he could make a plan. Unless we had a specific time/place to meet I assumed we were not meeting. I did not chat with someone over email for more than a few emails before having a phone conversation. I did not have more than one or two phone conversations unless we had decided to meet in person (again, time and place, not a vague "sometime").

[BigKK]

This is how online dating is, 4 conversations withered and died online? Go for 20 plus and then see.

 

 

There is a lot of "chatters" that are bored online and that's all they're there for, so careful for those.

 

Otherwise, just keep going at it, sounds like you're doing alright. The biggest help is having good photos and showing your best side.

 

 

You can reach out after a period of silence, but personally I just let it die after awhile and move on.

 

Keep bobbing and weaving, something will stick eventually

[DancingFool]

It's a numbers game and 4 is nothing.

 

My only comment would be don't leave it on her to text or call you. Offer your number, but ask for hers and if she shares hers, take the lead and set up that date. Maybe cut back a little on the back and forth chatter. Your goal is to set up a date, not make pen pals. When I was dating, guys who are a little passive like that would quickly get left by the wayside, mostly because there were too many other guys who are picking up the phone and arranging dates with me. OLD has been around for a long time and most people who are seriously seeking have long figured out that meeting face to face quickly is really key. Lots of chatting before then is just a waste of time, because ultimately you'll either have in person chemistry or not and that's that. Also, it does eliminate all the damaged birds seeking online succor and attention as they will avoid meeting quickly or at all.

[John John]

You're not doing anything wrong my friend. Women are getting their inboxes blown up, as well as getting hit on in real life. I've had women go silent on me two dates in (though I've done that myself, to be fair). Like BigKK said, you can reach out after the silence has lasted a while, but I never do because in my mind, if they were interested, you'd know it.

 

Keep trucking on and you will find one that sticks bro.

[lostandhurt]

There are plenty of virtual daters and chatters like Big K mentioned. They like the attention and even may have an initial attraction but the problem is many of these women have tons of guys messaging them so if you give out your number and sit back and wait you will be waiting a long time. Ask for their number so you can set up a meeting. Like Batya and Dancing Fool said too much back and forth is not needed and wastes time.

Once you have their attention keep it and set up a time to meet for coffee or tea. Also if you are about to go out of town don't contact anyone unless you have the time in the next week to meet them.

 

You may not like chasing but when they are getting 20 messages a day or more from men you need to stay on their radar and keep them thinking about you.

 

Everything else you are doing is perfect. Cocky and funny works great and you are finding things in their profile and talking about them. Way better than "HI Gorgeous" like so many D-Bags send out.

 

Lost

[snf23]

As a women who has online dated (OKC), what everyone is saying is completely right. Sometimes I would get 15-20 messages a day and I didn't reply to even half of those (either lack of interest, creepy opening line, or sometimes there would be so many messages the good ones would simply get lost). And if what these men initially said to me didn't stand out or they didn't keep the conversation going, their messages got lost and I didn't bother replying.

 

The guy I'm dating now, I actually messaged first because I saw his profile and I didn't want to sit around and wait for him to message me so I took the initiative. However, after a couple of messages back and forth, he asked for my number and then called/texted ME. It was nice to know that he wanted to talk to me because he put the effort in. I had good chats with a few men on there, but he was the only one that asked for my number and so (as of now), he's the guy who grabbed my attention.

 

Keep trying! You sound like a nice, funny guy. Don't take a lack of response personally, and if you're truly interested in a girl, ask for her number and then call/text her

[John John]

This is exactly why I almost always never message first and just wait for women to message me. Women are getting too many emails, and it's too easy for quality guys (like me and the OP) to get lost in the mix. My strategy has always been to maintain a kick-ass profile with a lot of great pictures and humor. That, and I make the most random tweaks to make sure my profile stays at the top of the "news feed" or whatever.

 

I only ever message women that have profiles that blow me away AND if I have a good hunch that she'll actually respond to me (because we clearly have something in common, for instance). I've usually been right.

[snf23]

My strategy has always been to maintain a kick-ass profile with a lot of great pictures and humor. That, and I make the most random tweaks to make sure my profile stays at the top of the "news feed" or whatever.

 

Completely agree. The reason I decided to message the guy I'm now dating wasn't only because we did have so much in common, but also because his profile made me laugh and I found it was the first one that I actually took the time to read all the way through. I'm a confident woman and knew that the worst thing that could happen was that he didn't reply (which did happen with a few other guys, no big deal). If you see someone who looks great, then that's awesome and message her. But if a woman sees your profile and thinks you're great, she (usually) will take the initiative. After that, then you can take the steps to keep the conversation going and ask her out.

[weathergirl]

Read what I have bolded. No you're not doing anything wrong, but it appears you are (and will be) gone A LOT so that may discourage them a bit from wanting to move forward with you.

 

Some women are wary of men who travel a lot.

[Btmnk21]

Thanks all. Just in the context of post-breakup I was unsure. Felt like rejection all over if that makes sense.

[SooSad33]

Yes, consider that you are looking too heavily into this.

 

On these dating sites, there are thousands of other's doing the same thing you are. Someone can get hits a number of times in a day.

So don't think because you inititated an 'interest' that it's going to go anywhere.

 

If they aren't interested enough, they'll either not reply or not continue the interaction. Take nothing to heart with this.

 

After the silence? Don't bother continuing with them. IF they're interested, they may strike up a convo again with you.

But remember, there's tons of them out there on these sites.

 

it's just a hit n miss kinda thing. I was on one for months before I actually began interacting with someone of interest and we di both continue. But this was after a number of months on there.

So, go with the flow. Don't get your hopes on on there that it'll happen within a week that you'll get someone reeled in.

 

Also.. as for YOU. I'm not sure if you're actually ready to do this.. if you're still affected from your Break up?

Maybe give it another month or 2?

It is best you make sure you are actually 'ready' to go out & date again. Don't do it because you're bored or lonely.

[LoveSoDeep]

I think getting back out there is good but honestly if it's only been 2 weeks since your ex stopped harassing you (maybe my math is wrong) then you're probably not ready for relationship right now. But only you can decide when you're ready.

 

My other suggestions are don't just give a girl your number and expect her to text you...honestly if I guy gives me his number without asking for mine....I pretty much ignore it. Maybe it's just me but hey maybe the girl who never texted you feels the same way. Reach back out to her and ask for her number and see what happens....what do you have to lose?

 

Also as another poster mentioned being out of the country for work so often or for so long is going to throw up a red flag when on-line dating. Honestly, from your story I believe you that you have job that has you out of the country but if some guy form PoF told me, "So sorry I can't meet up this week I'm in Belgium on business. I won't be back for 2 weeks and after that I have to go to the UK." I would not believe a word of it. I'd assume he was married or not who he says he is and I would move on to real guys who were available. I'd suggest not writing to women until you are back for good.

[notalady]

It's easy for chatting online to fizzle out, because the person you're talking to isn't real until you've met them in person. They could have met someone they are more interested in, or just generally lost interest in messaging.

 

If I were you I would meet asap, and try to squeeze in a first meet before you go travelling, at least that way you have met and know if you'd like to see each other again, and they'd actually remember you for you, not just another message on the screen. I did this with three guys I met up with before I went on holidays recently lol, because I know my interest level will drop when I'm away and maybe theirs too, and I didn't want them to just fizzle out, they seemed like nice guys. That did mean 3 dates in a week lol but now I know which ones I'd like to see again when I came back from holidays and which ones I didnt.

[Natasha24]

This is how it sounds to me:

 

Girl 1 - she was interested but you left for work. She lost interest/didn't want to wait around and moved on to another guy.

 

Girl 2 - sounds like she just lost interest, someone else messaged her, etc. The regular disappearance act that we see with online dating.

 

Girl 3 - Again, sounds like she was interested but you left for work.

 

Girl 4 - not interested, she only replied to be nice

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't travel for work just because you're trying to date, but I don't blame these girls for losing interest when you go away. If I'm chatting/texting with a guy and he has to travel for work for the next 2 weeks, I'm probably not going to invest more time in the "online" part of dating. I like to meet sooner rather than later.

[Batya33]

I don't think any of this has to do with "online dating" -just has to do with meeting people who are single who can meet someone the next day and choose that person instead of the person they met the day before (at least temporarily).

[Natasha24]

I don't think any of this has to do with "online dating" -just has to do with meeting people who are single who can meet someone the next day and choose that person instead of the person they met the day before (at least temporarily).

 

That's what I meant.

I would prefer to meet someone else tomorrow, rather than wait a week and text/chat/email ("online") and meet him when he comes home.

[Batya33]

That's what I meant.

I would prefer to meet someone else tomorrow, rather than wait a week and text/chat/email ("online") and meet him when he comes home.

 

Yes -same here- I obviously misunderstood what you wrote. I approached meeting the same way you do.