To remove her completely.....

[IDer89]

So I'm struggling to initiate 100% NC with my ex girlfriend. I'd like to talk it through with a few of you if thats ok? Some may remember me from a few months ago but to recap heres my story:

 

I am British and she is American. We met when she lived in the UK and dated for a year, then she had to move back to the States and I followed her where we were together for two more years. Unfortunately I had to move back to the UK due to visa restrictions and five weeks in to us doing long distance she decides to break up with me. All in all we were together for nearly three years, just shy by two months.

 

We haven't spoken in two months now and in that time I've found out that she pretty much hit the refresh button on her life. Quite frankly I would have never have expected her to be this cold towards me as we were both madly in love with each other. We've been through a great deal together and I sacrificed a lot to be with her given that I moved countries for her. I've also spent hours by her bedside when she was in hospital on three separate occasions.

 

However as far as I am aware she is actively putting herself on the market again, which she started doing less that 24 hours after we broke up by signing up to dating websites like Tinder etc.

 

So my two main reasons for not going 100% NC are:

 

1) I didn't want to end up being like this. I thought we were different and this wouldn't be a necessary step for us. This is the final straw in cutting all ties with her, an act I thought never would happen.

 

2) I want her to still be able to see what I'm up to and be reminded of me. I want her to see that I've been hitting the gym, that I've eaten at a nice restaurant, that I've gone on a vacation, that I've hit a career goal, that my office is fun, that my new flame is hot etc etc.....

 

I'm just struggling to click the buttons that I need to and I think it's because I want her to feel something. I don't feel as though I saw the emotions I thought were appropriate for us ending, even though we are now an ocean apart. I guess by me popping up on her social media such as Instagram or Facebook I want her to be reminded of me....

 

She hasn't removed me for what ever reasons and I'm not reading anything in to that but I dunno, given the way she has cut me out I would have thought it might be her doing this and not me?

 

I also have a lot of her family on Facebook too which I feel it would be appropriate to remove them also. A lot of her cousins already unfollowed me on Instagram but not defriended on Facebook. The only people left on IG are her, her two brothers, her dad and one cousin. Apart 10 cousins unfollowed me as well as her mum.....

 

I know this is all Social Media stuff which is ridiculous really but it's the only window/avenue we have since it isn't like we'll be bumping in to each other....

[reinventmyself]

""I want her to still be able to see what I'm up to and be reminded of me. I want her to see that I've been hitting the gym, that I've eaten at a nice restaurant, that I've gone on a vacation, that I've hit a career goal, that my office is fun, that my new flame is hot etc etc.....""

 

At the risk of being insensitive I wish I had a dollar for each OP that came here listing all the fabulous ways they were improving their life to lure their ex, that dumped them in some cold hearted fashion, back?!

 

shaking my head. .

I am however sorry you are hurting and you sound like a great guy. .please for yourself and everyone else, make improvements for yourself (hence 'self improvement') and have some self respect.

[IDer89]

Thanks for the kind words in the latter part of your reply!

 

Those self improvements aren't for the benefit of winning my ex back though. The gym bit is 100% for me as my waist line in the States came back a lot bigger than when I left, man those portion sizes! The other things are just examples as a way of saying "I want my ex to see what I'm up to"

 

Believe me, all the goals I've set and am slowly achieving are for me and to better myself.....it just wouldn't hurt for there to be an audience.

[reinventmyself]

. . what she thinks shouldn't matter.

Her opinion of you gives her too much power over your happiness.

Take that power back !

[blackcat777]

I don't feel as though I saw the emotions I thought were appropriate for us ending

 

All I can say is this. hits. home. I've been here the whole time trying to understand the same thing myself. It hurts so much.

 

NC is really the only thing you CAN do... take care of yourself, meanwhile, and give them the space/consequence to feel their own emotions completely.

 

First I defriended on Facebook, then I blocked. It wasn't until after I blocked that I felt sane. It was so painful to be "connected" with someone, yet so utterly ignored.

[saluk]

You need to cut her and anything about her from everything. Take an axe to anything still connecting her to you. She took an axe to your heart, why keep something like that around? She was useful for a time to help you grow, and there was a purpose to you being together - it's not all for nothing - but it's time to find new purpose, and a new future. You can't find that if you continue holding onto these strings. They will squeeze the life out of you if you let them, and if you don't cut them off that is a very real possibility. Cauterize the wound man, so your flesh can grow back. Just find the right time, plan for it (this friday at 6 I'm cutting the ties) put some music on sit down and methodically go through and cut off everything. You are in a great situation, being in a different country. There is no obligation to stay friends with any of these people, her friends, her family, whoever. You can be a free man, if you will take the necessary steps. You need to clear room in your soul, get rid of the old negative attachments to be able to form new healthy ones.

 

After you do it go out for a run or walk, be physical in some way. And be away from any kind of technology. You are going to be tempted to refriend. Don't do it. You will feel really bad if you do. Trust me

 

You don't need her to see how you are doing. You don't want someone in your life who can so casually drop you. It does hurt to have an audience, because when she says nothing, or blows you off, you will feel all your progress has been for nothing. Even if you tell yourself, "Well, I'm doing this for me, but it would be nice to have recognition" when you don't get what you thought you would get, you will realize that it was actually "Well, I'm doing this for her, but it will be nice for me also". You're the gatekeeper to your own happiness. Don't give anyone else the keys.

[chitown9]

The fact that you care that she see these updates in your life is not a good sign. You should be indifferent to her. chi

[IDer89]

Thanks for the replies so fat all!

 

The fact that you care that she see these updates in your life is not a good sign. You should be indifferent to her. chi

 

It's not that I care so much that she sees them, more so that she can if she so chooses to look. Initially when we broke up I thought it was just due to the distance which although very sad is understandable and a legitimate reason. It didn't take her long however to hit that 'refresh' button and as many pointed out this may have been something she was thinking of for a few weeks before she swung that axe.

 

I know for my own sake I need to cut ties, with her and her family as they are no longer apart of my life. It's just a very difficult task for me.

 

Theres another thread about an OP's ex coming out of the woodworks after five years of NC and I gave an example from my own past that I have an ex that I haven't spoken to in over six years. It was a silly high school relationship and after we ended I found a lot of what the girl did to be annoying, vowing to never date a girl like that again. I bring this up because even though I have no intention of reconciling with this ex I still hate going through life knowing I'm not on speaking terms with someone that was once so close to me, I'd at least like to know what path she is now on in life.

 

My most recent ex was far more serious and I just hate this no talking and cutting all ties. Even though I know I have to....

[Clinton]

You can't be friends or have contact with someone you have romantic feelings for

 

And you can't really heal if you are holding on to hope

 

Go full NC and heal. Exes surfacing after a long time and looking to reconnect are rare occurrences. It's like winning the lottery and we all know the odds on that.

 

Live your life as if she is gone forever. Life's too short to hold onto something that will likely never happen

[saluk]

"Initially when we broke up I thought it was just due to the distance which although very sad is understandable and a legitimate reason. It didn't take her long however to hit that 'refresh' button and as many pointed out this may have been something she was thinking of for a few weeks before she swung that axe."

 

This is almost always the case. Breaking up - and in this case pretty much breaking all ties, no "let's just be friends" - is a pretty big decision. It's not one that is made quickly, but a culmination of thoughts over a period of time. It sucks for the dumpee, because without the prep time, that shock pushes you down into a different emotional state that can't cope with the sudden change.

 

"I bring this up because even though I have no intention of reconciling with this ex I still hate going through life knowing I'm not on speaking terms with someone that was once so close to me, I'd at least like to know what path she is now on in life."

 

I've thought this way before, today in fact. It doesn't actually make any logical sense. There are many people who have passed through my life who I am not "on speaking terms" with. I don't feel bad about... well most of them. I definitely don't lose sleep about not being on speaking terms with any of my exes, other than the most fresh one. I really don't care. Sure I look them up occasionally, just to see what they are up to - but I don't feel a strong NEED to do so, and I really don't care if they know I exist or not. You are pretty much just tricking yourself into having a good reason to keep this connection in your life - even though it is a bad connection. Cutting ties now doesn't mean 5 years later, when you are completely healed, you can't do the old "I wonder what x is up to these days?" But by then it will be just a curiosity and not a connection you are tricking yourself into trying to hold on to.

[jak3]

I have no intention of reconciling with this ex I still hate going through life knowing I'm not on speaking terms with someone that was once so close to me, I'd at least like to know what path she is now on in life.

Why? Why would the future you like to know this? Because the current you can't let go?

 

She's an ex. Leave her in the past. Life is best spent looking forward instead of looking in the rearview mirror.