Considering Breaking My Second Engagement - Need Advice!

[lavenderdove]

btw, don't be surprised if she suddenly promises to 'be good' or 'do what you say' in an attempt to prevent her meal ticket from dumping her. Those kind of promises under duress are meaningless. She'll 'behave' for a bit, meanwhile scheming some new plan to trap you into taking care of her, like a pregnancy. People who live in the NOW are ruthless about ensuring they get what they want and to get someone else to pick up the tab, and if they feel their mark slipping away, they up the ante to try to reel you back in again rather than let you go.

 

So you need to get her out of your life, and not listen to any promises she makes because she does not mean them and will only 'behave' long enough to find a way to get a firmer grip on you to keep you from getting away. You already very clearly know how she perceives money and debt and that her intention is to get pregnant very soon, so don't give her the opportunity to get her hooks any farther into you or you'll wreck your life.

 

If you're lucky, she'll be angry enough to leave in a huff because she's not getting her own way, but equally likely is for her to make false promises to behave or change in an attempt to prevent losing her meal ticket.

[lavenderdove]

also, i find her addiction to 'Friends' every night slightly sad/funny... it clearly says a lot about who she is... that show is about a bunch of irresponsible/drifting types whom you rarely see at work on the show, and work is seen as a joke or to be avoided. They all just hang out in a cool apartment with cool clothes and hip hairstyles and don't seem to have any way of paying for that cool stuff based on what they supposedly do on the show. They are in and out of jobs and in and out of BFs without a thought. So that is her fun fantasy world, where people live for fun and in the moment, which is where she wants to live too. The 'Friends' are all 'spunky' and have nice 'laughs' as you describe her, but that just isn't enough to cut it in terms of living a real and balanced life. Works fine on TV sitcoms though.

 

So it says a lot about her that she 'needs' reinforcement from that show every night, even though she is supposedly in school to get educated and have a career etc. I don't think she really wants that, i think she wants to live in a magical world where she has fun and doesn't worry about money and everything works out in the end regardless. that's a fantasy, not reality.

[itsallgrand]

^It's like a layer of hell, Friends on repeat every night as you close your eyes!!

 

Those little things really can add up over the span of time. I lived with someone who had to have noise to sleep. TV, radio, music blaring, something. I don't even like a TV in the bedroom, never mind having it on. I'd lay awake some nights waiting for him to fall asleep so I could turn the damn things off and sleep myself.

 

If it had been Friends, I think the TV might have not made it.

[Demoncracy]

Wow, thank you Lavender for the deep incites. I never really thought of it in that light, especially in regards to the loans and Friends. She hates her grad. program at school, I even insisted she drop out so she could get her money back before it was too late and come back when she knew what she wanted to study. I feel that when approaching Grad school, you should have an idea of what you want to go into. My belief is, and going along the lines of what you are saying, she is in grad school for only two reasons. 1) putting back her undergrad loan payments for two years 2) to get more extra loan money. She has a degree in education, but hasn't made it a priority to get her teaching certification. Jesus, this is freighting to think about in this perspective.

[Demoncracy]

^It's like a layer of hell, Friends on repeat every night as you close your eyes!!

 

Those little things really can add up over the span of time. I lived with someone who had to have noise to sleep. TV, radio, music blaring, something. I don't even like a TV in the bedroom, never mind having it on. I'd lay awake some nights waiting for him to fall asleep so I could turn the damn things off and sleep myself.

 

If it had been Friends, I think the TV might have not made it.

 

And when I do turn the TV off, even if she is asleep, I get scolded in the morning for doing so. Lavender made a good, psychological point on the whole Friends ordeal. I never thought of it that way. Really makes some sense now.

[Demoncracy]

Lavender, she doesn't understand that we won't be able to get a home in 5 years with that much debt. I've tried to explain, but she doesn't listen. She certainly lives in the now. I hold a good credit rating, she doesn't. After reading through the responses and thinking more deeply, I'm shocked that she could be with me just to back her bill. In this thought process, I remembered her ex-BF of three years. She didn't like him, as far as she told me, but lived with him for a solid year. I asked why she lived with him then... He paid for all the rent and utilities! It is becoming clearer now, even though it hurts, that she could be sticking with me for the perks. However, I do feel as though she loves me beyond the benefits, but those perks might have shaped the love beyond that.

 

I apologize if my ranting is getting annoying, but I sincerely appreciate everyone who is reading and contributing.

[redrose85]

How old is she? Did you say that already?

 

Yeah this girl is just clueless and naive. You have to work for what you get in life, it doesn’t just come. If you’ve got 125K in student loan debt, no bank is going to qualify you for a mortgage. I’ll paint a picture for you. Friend married a girl, after many years and much doubt about marrying her. She hasn’t worked in years and doesn’t do housework or cook or really anything to contribute. They had their first child last year and they lost custody because she doesn’t take care of her while the husband is at work. They are tens of thousands of dollars in consumer debt and about to lose the house and land they inherited because she can’t stop spending money. It’s just insane, but just goes to show that if you enable someone, it will come back at you in a very bad way.

[Ms Darcy]

Lavender, she doesn't understand that we won't be able to get a home in 5 years with that much debt. I've tried to explain, but she doesn't listen. She certainly lives in the now.

 

I think all of this complaining about her is a bit of a red herring. Dating is for determining compatibility and your insistence on proposing to near strangers is the bigger problem.

[Shylight]

Demoncracy, I agree with everyone here. Please let us know how this goes.

[Demoncracy]

UPDATE:

 

Hope everyone has been having a good week. We got very close to a breakup last night, but I can't summon the strength in me to do so. She packed up a bag, and even handed me back the ring. After a series of strenuous discussion, and me explaining that I was having second thoughts based on what has been discussed on this forum, she continued to come back to me. She walked out, got in her car and came back a few times. I was so emotionally tired and numb, that I caved in. I valued her strength in wanting us to work out. In a glimpse, I thought "hey, maybe we can work it out and get back to where we were. Maybe I can be happy again. Maybe we can forget the serious things for a bit and move on". But then, as I wake up in the morning, those worries about the future linger on. Not only that, she now knows I'm having second thoughts, so the entire situation is awkward. There is a part of me that hopes it gets better, but another part of me that thinks it won't.

 

How do I summon the strength to do this? Being an empathetic guy, how can I put my feelings first before hers. I'm the only thing in her life that she relies on right now, which is why she kept coming back yesterday. Can this get better?

[mhowe]

No, it can't. It isn't your job to fix her. She is broken.

 

You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.