Confused...Should I fight or should i move on?

[annie24]

oh, ouch. Well, it sounds like he flew up for the weekend then. It's no guarantee that they are soul mates or that he is thinking long term either!

 

But you know, like you told us, she's been giving you "drop dead" dates for a while, telling you she wanted a proposal soon or else she was moving on, and it *sounds like* meeting this guy gave her the additional push she needed to go through with it (moving out, planning a weekend with him).

 

If you came over to her place tonight with a giant ring, I don't know how she would react.

[lavenderdove]

>> Can't believe after 5 years she could jump in the sack with someone righT away.

 

Actually she's probably been pulling away emotionally for a long time because you never came thru with a proposal after 5 years, and she was losing hope that you'd ever do it or that the relationship would ever lead to marriage and kids.

 

I suggest that you have a brief window of time where you may be able to turn this around if you are willing to get engaged NOW and set a date. She needs to know that you are offering her the life she wants, which is marriage, rather than a perpetual live in situation with no engagement.

 

There is a chance it is already too late if she has moved too far along the 'uncoupling' curve emotionally to the point she no longer trusts you or your promises because she has a 5 year history of you promising but not delivering. But you won't know if you don't ask. And if you can't bring yourself to ask her to marry you, then i suspect that it is just time for you both to move on because you just really don't want to marry her (or marriage makes you too squeamish).

 

This could well be a case of 'you snooze you lose' and you've been snoozing on the marriage issue for 5 years, which is a long time. So if you really want her, you need to overcome your pride and just come thru for her. She may or may not accept depending on how distanced she is emotionally after 5 years of hoping and disappointments.

[can1328]

I haven't contacted her. It's over. Too much has gone on to come back from this unfortunately. I wanted to marry her and would've but couldn't do it after how all this went down. To move out and have a guy fly in to visit after only 4 days of being out doesn't seem stable to me. If we got back together I would question all she does and would always feel restless. I understant 5 years may sound long to many of you but we had met when we were 22. Both of us never had intentions of tying the knot until recently. We've had the conversation for a little over a year now. I really can't take all the blame here. She wasn't stable enough to be ready for marriage in my eyes for various reasons. With that being said, I thank everyone who put in their thoughts on my situation. It means a great deal. I will now move on to heal and try to get over this terrible situation. Maybe down the line we will connect but maybe I'll see that she just wasn't the one. I will see what the future holds.

[annie24]

I am sorry and am glad at least you have some clarity now.

 

that all said, 5 years is while to wait, and you've had some serious reservations about her. She's given the indication many times, so I'm not surprised she moved on when the opportunity presented itself. I hope you find someone in the future you are more compatible with.

 

HUGS

[mhowe]

I think, in the long run, you will see this as the best solution.

 

She moved out ---- because he was already invited.

[annie24]

I think, in the long run, you will see this as the best solution.

 

She moved out ---- because he was already invited.

 

yeah, absolutely. i mean, if he was coming to visit, he couldn't have stayed in your guest room.

[mhowe]

yeah, absolutely. i mean, if he was coming to visit, he couldn't have stayed in your guest room.

 

 

She came clean and told me she felt like she connected with him

 

Rule #64 ----never let a house guest have better "connections" with your SO in the HOUSE!

[can1328]

Would your advice be silence at this point? There's a part of me that wants answers. This all happened so quickly. 5 years and another guy in the mix so quickly? If that fizzles out I only assume she would come back to me. We had a home together for over a year. We hosted holidays for family, she had her garden that I built for her... Would it be wrong to call and try to talk to her. Or is it just worth letting go. Silence speaks the loudest is something I always hear. I know she's not over me since she called me on Friday night crying. And the next day I see her with the guy.

[mhowe]

Yes. Whether or not she knows YOU know about her visitor, she clearly THINKS you are a back up plan.

 

You know the answers....you don't need to hear her spin.

 

What would talking do? You NOW don't trust her, she is as immature as she was yesterday. You have been together for 5 years --- so she called with a problem

and you helped her through it. That was Friday. He was in her car Saturday.

 

I would wait to hear from her and then see what she has to say.

 

Silence is your friend right now.

[can1328]

Yes. Whether or not she knows YOU know about her visitor, she clearly THINKS you are a back up plan.

 

You know the answers....you don't need to hear her spin.

 

What would talking do? You NOW don't trust her, she is as immature as she was yesterday. You have been together for 5 years --- so she called with a problem

and you helped her through it. That was Friday. He was in her car Saturday.

 

I would wait to hear from her and then see what she has to say.

 

Silence is your friend right now.

 

Thank you. I will stay silent. This is a tough go. I will need to be prepared of losing her to this guy forever.

[can1328]

Why would she call me on Friday night with him coming to town for the weekend? She stopped by the house when I wasn't home. The reason she called was to tell me that she stopped by and "picked up tomatoes from her garden." Then we got into it once she started to cry. She also had been drinking a bit. She kept asking me why I haven't called her and what have I been doing all week. She ended the call by saying she would call me later. It seemed like she was regretting moving out. Then I find her with this guy the very next day... Can anyone tell me what's going on in her mind?

[t1lersm0m1]

Does it matter why? Would you want her back if she came back?

 

You can drive yourself crazy asking yourself or us why, but it won't change anything right now. The best thing to do is to focus on you, and probably healing. Easier said than done I know, but that's what you need to focus on.

[mhowe]

You have been together a long time...she misses you. She didn't say anything about coming back.

[testcase]

No one knows. She probably doesn't even know. You gotta just do you right now man. If this girl seriously left to have this man fly in do you even want to know? I'm sure she's having a hard time with it... I'm sure it won't be all roses for the new guy... But you're the one that got screwed here. Do you... there's someone better out there. At least someone who can communicate better.

[can1328]

I guess I just have a hard time understanding. Looking back at the end... We seemed to have no issues up until the time she met this guy at the high school reunion. Funny thing is, I was supposed to go. Like everyone says, I can drive myself crazy trying to understand how she could love me and want to marry me 3 weeks ago to having a new guy now. I know in my heart that she'll miss me very much and see how much of a life we had together. I can't imagine a new long distance relationship would be the easiest. Hopefully I'll be strong enough and have a clear head when or if she does contact me again.

 

I have trouble with the friends we now lost over this. Our families now broken.... but I guess this is life.

[annie24]

In my opinion (just mine!) - You basically called her bluff. She's said, "poop or get off the pot" multiple times, right? Not really the best communicator but it sounds like she wanted marriage, she wanted it asap. You called her bluff, so she walked away. You can't say this happened out of nowhere because the warning signs were there, but you didn't take them seriously enough.

 

In the absence of this guy, i think she would still be living with you, but the same problems would be there - she would want to marry, you'd be dragging your heels. This guy came along and gave her the "push" she needed to make a decision. They may or may not work out, as you said, but I think she wants to get married, saw that it likely wasn't going to happen with you, and moved on.

 

It's like going to vegas and playing the slot machine in hopes of a big payout. At some point, you either have to move onto a new machine, or move on, you can't pull the lever all night waiting for that big payout.

[annie24]

PS - The other thing - I think she also wanted to see how the weekend with that guy went before making any final decisions. If he came out with "serious intentions" towards her or not. He could have just come out for a fun weekend, then she'd be left high and dry.

 

Amazingly, she was honest to you about having met someone else. Maybe she was even hoping that piece of information would have made you try to lock her down.

[t1lersm0m1]

Yes, I agree, this wasn't out of nowhere. For whatever reasons, you refused to propose. She got tired of waiting. Maybe if she had a ring on her finger, she wouldnt' have fancied a guy at her reunion. Or maybe she would. You can just never know. And it's probably too late now, you dragged your feet for way too long. Whether you truly wanted to marry her or not is irrelevant, she was willing to move on and start looking for someone who will marry her.

[can1328]

PS - The other thing - I think she also wanted to see how the weekend with that guy went before making any final decisions. If he came out with "serious intentions" towards her or not. He could have just come out for a fun weekend, then she'd be left high and dry.

 

Amazingly, she was honest to you about having met someone else. Maybe she was even hoping that piece of information would have made you try to lock her down.

 

She wasn't completely honest. She claimed to have no communication with him while she was still living with me. Clearly that was a lie. All she told me was that there was a "connection" with someone else at the reunion. She wasn't upfront with me about that either. I found that out on my own and had to confront her about it. That's a longer story.

 

Sure, the warning signs were there. But I communicated with her many times of what my hesitations were. She didn't feel it was important enough to fix. Drinking, single friends, etc.

 

So I guess that's it. Nothing else I can do. I won't know if her weekend was a success or if it was a bust. I guess only time will tell if we can rekindle. I still feel that this was an immature route to go whether she gave me warning signs or not. To be in a relationship where you are living with someone and are told that marriage will happen very soon - to meeting someone and having him fly up for a weekend. If I met someone that I had a connection with it would tell me my relationship was lacking something. I would've tried to work that out before I jumped ship. That's just me I guess.

[can1328]

I told her when she first told me about moving out that I was ready to marry her and she wouldn't have to wait any longer. She chose to ignore and move out anyway.

[Ms Darcy]

I told her when she first told me about moving out that I was ready to marry her and she wouldn't have to wait any longer. She chose to ignore and move out anyway.

 

I don't think she believed you by then. I know it's hard on you but five years is waaay longer than I would stay. My fiance and I got engaged after 2 and a half years together.

[t1lersm0m1]

She had been asking for marriage for years. She got tired of waiting. Maybe as others have said this wasn't the right woman for you that you kept dragging your feet. You keep calling her immature. For whatever reason, she got sick of waiting. Can you really blame her? You guys were together 5 years! I don't blame her whatsoever.

 

You don't propose to someone if they grow up and become the person you want them to be. You propose because you love them just the way they are at that time and because you can't imagine spending the rest of your life without them. You wanted her to change. That's not right. You should have accepted her as is or told her you were unwilling to marry her. Not wait 5 years.

[testcase]

Dude forget this girl. I can't believe the amount of posters who are putting this squarely on you. You're young. Young relationships are hard to transition in to marriage. Do you really want to marry a girl who can "find a connection" with someone one weekend away. Shut I wouldn't be surprised if she cheated on you right then if this guy is flying in shortly after. She handled this whole thing terribly. That's not your fault. That can't be put squarely on something you did or didn't do.

 

Heal up. Find the right person for you. When you're in the right place in life you'll find the one for you.

 

BTW I was brought to this forum for a very similar reason. Lost my girl of 6 years... thought marriage might have been one of the issues too. If I got married I would have surely been divorced by now. Marriage isn't the answer to all of life's problems.... it's probably the root of many of them though.

[annie24]

I'm not saying that marriage to this girl was the right thing to do - obviously, he had some serious doubts about her being the right one, otherwise he would have done it. And they're 28, they're not that young. He dragged his heels for a reason, and she left for a reason. They had different life goals. I just feel like him saying, "I would have married her...." was kind of well... just empty words, otherwise he would have done it by now. And maybe it's for the best, he will meet someone he feels is more mature and is better suited to be his wife.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with Annie. They aren't young so waiting five years is excessive.

 

And I think the point is that they weren't right for each other because of the things that made him hesitant to propose in the first place.