Confused...Should I fight or should i move on?

[Applewhite]

Our everyday relationship was good. I loved her because of her energy. Her bubbly personality and most importantly the way she made me feel every single day. I can remember up until the last few weeks of our relationship I still got excited to see her when she pulled in the driveway. We lived life the same and enjoyed doing things together. I would rather be with her than hang out with my friends. I considered her my best friend.

 

So you say your day to day relationship was very good, and you still got excited when you saw her at the end of the day (do you think she did too?). How frequent and exactly how many times did an alcohol (or other) related unacceptable behavior happen?

[mhowe]

Applewhite....what is the point in rehashing this?

[can1328]

So you say your day to day relationship was very good, and you still got excited when you saw her at the end of the day (do you think she did too?). How frequent and exactly how many times did an alcohol (or other) related unacceptable behavior happen?

 

Did she seem happy to see me? Sure, at least I thought so. There wasn't anything to lead me to believe she didn't.

 

Alcohol issues happened at least once a month. At times it happened more. Some were severe (like car issue) and some were less severe (yelling at me in front of people, or getting plastered at my boss' Xmas party.) with that being said, she drank a lot and when she did, her personality would change. So even though something significant didn't happen while drinking, she would start fights or arguments during these times. She would drink every weekend and a few days during the week. And she would drink to get drunk.

[mhowe]

She was an alcoholic. You might read up on it...

[can1328]

She was an alcoholic. You might read up on it...

 

Told her that countless times in a calm respectful way. In conclusion, if she wasn't an alcoholic I would've respected her timeline and proposed to her. But because I didn't want to start off a marriage with a major issue I was hoping she would take the initiative to fix it. She didn't. And in turn, our relationship dwindled. The alcoholism and proposal were the 2 major issues that led to an eventual break up. It's too bad because it could have been cured with effort. I would imagine her alcoholism will affect her future relationships as well.

[Applewhite]

Told her that countless times in a calm respectful way. In conclusion, if she wasn't an alcoholic I would've respected her timeline and proposed to her. But because I didn't want to start off a marriage with a major issue I was hoping she would take the initiative to fix it. She didn't. And in turn, our relationship dwindled. The alcoholism and proposal were the 2 major issues that led to an eventual break up. It's too bad because it could have been cured with effort. I would imagine her alcoholism will affect her future relationships as well.

 

Her alcoholism was a dealbreaker for you. You have to accept that and move on. But also stop demonizing her in your head - that isn't doing anyone any good. You didn't want to marry her, you wanted to marry a different version of her that does not exist.

[sky09]

Been a long time since I posted on here. I have been in a 5 year relationship with the woman that I love. We have both just turned 28. She moved in with me in a house that I bought a little over a year ago. All along she's been speaking about engagements and marriage, etc. She's put drop dead dates on when she will no longer wait and she's extended them. There's no reason I haven't proposed. I'm nervous and being a typical guy dragging my feet. There has been a few things that have bothered me and caused me to be more nervous along the way but nothing that would be a reason to leave her (i.e. slight drinking problem - been addressed and worked on.)

 

Reading this, it didn't seem like you were too focused on this issue. It's okay, as you've had more time to digest the news, and the behavior that followed since OP was started.

 

Getting back to books. Here are a few that I'm currently reading:

1. Gary Smalley - If only he knew (basically, a book that shows how our behavior impacts our women and what positive behavior we should adapt. good read regardless of situation you're in)

2. Henry Cloud & John Townsend - Boundaries in Marriage (almost self-explanatory. lists real-life examples of what couples go thru)

3. James Dobson - Love must be tough (haven't started on this one yet)

 

Anyway, focus on yourself and make yourself better!

[can1328]

Reading this, it didn't seem like you were too focused on this issue. It's okay, as you've had more time to digest the news, and the behavior that followed since OP was started.

 

Getting back to books. Here are a few that I'm currently reading:

1. Gary Smalley - If only he knew (basically, a book that shows how our behavior impacts our women and what positive behavior we should adapt. good read regardless of situation you're in)

2. Henry Cloud & John Townsend - Boundaries in Marriage (almost self-explanatory. lists real-life examples of what couples go thru)

3. James Dobson - Love must be tough (haven't started on this one yet)

 

Anyway, focus on yourself and make yourself better!

 

 

Thanks Sky.

 

I'm going to check those books out. It'll be a good read and will help me focus on the future. Thanks again.

 

And yes, I've been able to digest what's gone wrong in the relationship since the time I first posted this thread. I wrote all the negatives down and realized how most of our arguments began with the alcohol issue. Certainly not saying everything was her fault but I am realizing that the alcohol played an extremely large role. That would've only got worse as time went on since she had no intentions of fixing the problem. I have to think I may have dodged a bullet on this one. That will help me heal.

[Doofus]

Others have said it, but I'll chime in: You dodged a big, deadly bullet. Be grateful. You said that you and she had talked about having children together. Can you imagine her as a mother? Frankly it sounds to me, like she's Manic Depresive or has BPD.

 

I started reading this thread, and, continued because I had a relationship that was almost identical to yours. We were together for 3 years. During the last 3 years, she proposed to me repeatedly - I rejected them all. These proposals started only after her older sister became engaged. In the end, she went to that wedding without me, screwed some stranger she met there, came home and broke up with me. Even though I didn't want to marry her - and, I suspected, she didn't really want to marry me - I was heartbroken for quite a while.

In retrospect, though, now, 20 years later, I am incredibly relieved that I didn't marry her. It would have been a disaster. I would have been selling myself short. We would probably have been divorced soon after. I think, heck, I know, that you will feel the same in 20 years. And, then, more than likely, you'll be married to someone better suited for you. There's lots of really great women out there. Or at least women who will be better partners for you than this one. Go out and find them.

[sky09]

In that 20 years, did you find your calling? Just curious. Thanks for sharing!

[w4332]

In that 20 years, did you find your calling? Just curious. Thanks for sharing!

 

 

 

Im in a somewhat not too different scenario as the OP. 5 years together, lived together for 4 and now we've been broken up for 3 months and no word from her. I haven't had the dramatic back and forth, instead I just sent some emails and did the begging and pleading at first. Our situations both suck the same no doubt. As much as we want to villify our exes, I don't think it's necessarily healthy to do so. We spent 5 years with them and although we didn't take the vow of marriage, we had all the other signs of it and it leaves a lot of the same destruction and pain. The fact is, that with both of our situations, communication really got messed up somewhere along the way such that you both didn't know how the other felt about you. It's the classic power struggle. I don't know what will happen in my situation or in yours. The only thing I can say that I'm fairly sure of, is that our exes are hurting. People deal with pain in different ways, and yours is pacifying herself with a rebound and alcohol in order to get over you. As for mine, I have no idea what she is doing. Sucks that it has to be this way, but I guess the lack of communication grows to a point where she doesn't think she can trust you and vice versa and things start imploding. All told, only time will tell.

[Doofus]

I'm not sure what you mean by 'find your calling', but after a year or so, I was completely over her. I met lots of other women , some of them great, some of them not, all of them worthwhile, though. I'm married now 20 somewhat tough years, but I have two children who are give my life purpose and joy - my marriage has been flawed, but the boys we had together are, by far, the best parts of my life. i have a job which is good and bad, live in a place I have mixed feelings about. But none of these things would have been better if I had married my that ex from years ago.

When a LTR ends, it's always painful, but that doesn't mean it's always bad. If people didn't confuse those two things, they'd weather break-ups - and much else - much much better.

[sky09]

I'm not sure what you mean by 'find your calling', but after a year or so, I was completely over her. I met lots of other women , some of them great, some of them not, all of them worthwhile, though. I'm married now 20 somewhat tough years, but I have two children who are give my life purpose and joy - my marriage has been flawed, but the boys we had together are, by far, the best parts of my life. i have a job which is good and bad, live in a place I have mixed feelings about. But none of these things would have been better if I had married my that ex from years ago.

When a LTR ends, it's always painful, but that doesn't mean it's always bad. If people didn't confuse those two things, they'd weather break-ups - and much else - much much better.

 

That's basically what I was after. Thanks for your input!

[can1328]

So everyone... After all this realization and NC going well, I ran into her today. And I fell for it. We chatted briefly and she called me later in the day and we decided to meet up. Looks like it was a closure meet up for her and left be back at square 1. Why would I even want to get back with her? I don't even think that's it. It's the rejection again that set me back.

 

She mentioned many things that led me to believe she was thinking about discussing reconciliation. But when it came down to it. That's not what it was. She made up excuses of why we can't. Feeling pretty low

[annie24]

When you start to feel nostalgic, think of her alcohol problems and how those have negatively affected your life and why it's better you didn't marry her. Hang in there. Plenty of good women out there.

[can1328]

I know. I need to do that. Right now I feel like she broke up with me all over again. I feel so stupid that I fell for it. I can't believe she'd lead me on again just to tell me it was her closure in the end.

[Kadbanoo]

Can1328 - I just read all 25 pages of this... I can feel your pain, as I have just experienced a really, REALLY hard breakup from a 1-year relationship. It wasn't long, but it was intense and beautiful. We are both professors at a business school here in Paris, we lived together, talked about getting married, spent several weeks in Iran (his home country) - his family was thrilled and we were both so happy... we had a great love life, same interests, laughed a lot, he was the kindest, most beautiful man I had never known... did anything and everything for me at any time... we even have the same birthday! (Scorpios). After a difficult marriage, he was a beautiful blessing in my life.

 

Unfortunately, I had anger issues (y and moody much too often) that made living with me really, really difficult and have plagued me my whole life (I'm 45). We lived in a small place which didn't help. After nine months, he just exploded and moved out (I didn't blame him) - I was shocked and hurt and asked for a second chance, which he gave me. Sadly, we did what most people who reconcile do and were so happy to get back together that we didn't address the problems that drove us apart and it started a several month cycle of mini-breakups, push me/pull me, passive aggressive stuff that eventually killed the relationship. We still told each other we loved each other every day, but we were pushing each other away. Eventually, he exploded and left, never returning.

 

I stayed in (hopeful) contact for three weeks but knowing that nothing was going to happen, I said that I had to cut contact so I could move on, as he was asking me to do. He left that night for a three-week conference in Brazil... I didn't contact him ONCE during that trip - a real come-down from dozens of texts/emails and being together every day. When he returned he asked to meet because a book was delivered for me to his office... then he asked me to dinner... I hesitated (but was hopeful) and said yes. After an hour of chit chat (I wasn't feeling good about anything) said I had to go... then he invited to have dinner with a mutual friend in a couple of weeks and proceeded to tell me that he had met a woman in Brazil and she was coming to stay with him the following month!

 

I was SHOCKED (granted, we were broken up at this time) and long story short, said I never wanted to see him again, that he was a horrible person, why would he break my "no contact' and attempt to move on to tell me this story!!! Over then next few days angry emails were exchanged and he said he didn't love me anymore and to never contact him. And I didn't for six weeks . (In the last couple of days we just had some very brief communication as I am moving out of my apartment and had some of this things). Weirdly, as jealous as I can be (on the inside) I was never jealous of this new "woman" - I could never pick up a vibration of her even being real - but got some pleasure that whoever he might be with, that I would be a tough act to follow, in spite of my flaws, so it actually gave me some (cold) comfort. Sounds insane, but at least that was one less thing to feel terrible about.

 

I tell you all of this because reading your story really reminded me of my relationship in a different way... the BEST THING YOU CAN DO NOW is to be out of contact with her. Do not ask friends about her, do not contact her, do not look at social media, pack up anything that reminds you of her. It will do NOTHING but torture you - I know this from my own experience. I also had moments early in the breakup that I would have done ANYTHING to have him back, even settling for some fundamental things that were not working (his inability to deal with difficult issues and storm out when he was unhappy).

 

Now, with almost three months behind me, the pain has eased... even those brief, neutral emails with him the other day reopened some of the wounds... I am moving out of our neighborhood tomorrow, I look at our teaching schedules and avoid anywhere at the university he is expected to be, i have students take any papers, etc. over to that area so I don't have to be there.... NO CONTACT is the way to go.

 

I will agree with Applewhite as well, is that we do have to look at our own contributions to the demise - there are always two sides any way you look at it. In this case, not wanting to get married (and it's PERFECTLY fine to not get married because there are dealbreakers, like drinking, etc.) - that was her dealbreaker. It is understandable to ruminate on the wouldas/couldas/shouldas - I spent weeks beating myself up until I could start to see both sides and remember how unhappy *I* was at the end, as well! If you can, don't even give this other relationship of her any thought. It's not a reflection on what she did or didn't feel about you.

 

So sorry to threadjack here - but I URGE you to keep in no contact... none... it will help you heal!! We never know what the future will hold. Good luck to you xx

[Ms Darcy]

You are beating a dead horse at this point. The relationship Is over, done, finito, pushing up daisies, doing the dirt dance, bitten the dust, dead as a doornail.

 

Trying to analyze it at this stage is pointless. Time to move on to acceptance. You're just prolonging the agony right now.

 

I agree. At this point you are just hurting yourself man. She's not hearing your thoughts anymore.

 

mhowe: Exactly... and I wonder if when she does mature, she will see things more clear. Maybe she'll realize that I was in the right place and sincerely wanted her.

 

Yeah, she can mature. But you both will probably be over each other when she does.

 

Her alcoholism was a dealbreaker for you. You have to accept that and move on. But also stop demonizing her in your head - that isn't doing anyone any good. You didn't want to marry her, you wanted to marry a different version of her that does not exist.

 

Agree again.

 

It takes time for those attacment bonds to diminish. You just don't fall out of love overnight, which is why there is a grieving period after any loss, and the longer you were together, the bigger the habit/connection. So just be kind to yourself and recognize it takes time to let go and heal.

 

This is what you need to keep repeating to yourself. Hard as it is ... know that it takes time and focus (on no contact and staying busy) to break down these bonds.