He wants me to come see him...

[klambert918]

Hi! My boyfriend is moving 700 miles away to be with his daughter. He and I have the most amazing relationship I could ask for. There are many reasons why we have a great relationship, but it can't last because he's leaving. It unfortunately is not an option for me to go with him.

My dilemma is that after begging me to go, and realizing that it is not possible, he really wants to continue our relationship. He thinks we can have a 100% committed relationship living in 2 different states... he suggested we visit as often as we can and keep in touch daily via phone, text, and Skype. Part of me can see this working, only because we really do have a great relationship. But the other part of me says no way, I want another child and a family, and I want that with him. By having a relationship like this, it eliminates that possibility. I have also suggested to him that if we were to stay together (him not leaving this state) I would want to get married and have a child someday.

He and I have already been living together for close to 10 months and he is planning on leaving next month.

He is really the only person I've had a serious relationship with who I can see a very promising future with... I was in a relationship for 5 years prior, which produced my son. And another prior to that for about 3 years.

I really don't know what to do here...

Help?

[klambert918]

Anybody have anything?

[mhowe]

There really isn't a solution that involves being together. Long distance are not for the meek, you cant go --- he needs to be with his daughter.

 

Say "goodbye" with love in your heart and move on.

[Madamdiva007]

Long distance relationships only work out if there is a definitive end to the distance.

[catfeeder]

You don't mention the factors that prevent you from moving, but if one of them is your son's access to his father, then that's not negotiable. In which case, I'd quit this. The LDR would only last as long as it takes for one of you to find a more local partner, and that spells heartbreak.

 

As painful as this is, I'd wish BF the best and free myself to move forward and seek for myself someone with whom I can have the family I desire and deserve.

[klambert918]

You don't mention the factors that prevent you from moving, but if one of them is your son's access to his father, then that's not negotiable.

 

That is one reason. The others are the economy in the state he is moving is just terrible. I have looked at jobs similar to mine and cannot find anything that pays more than half of what I currently make. The other is that my current employer pays for my education 100%. Due to some poor decisions when I was younger, I am tapped out on my federal financial aid, so I am sort of stuck with this company until my education is complete. 100% payment is pretty much unheard of. Ultimately, I decided it would be the worst financial decision I could possibly make, and that is without my son in the mix!

I am also worried that he is not going to be able to make it out there... The job selection is poor, at best, and I am concerned he will be in over his head. I certainly understand the need to be near his daughter, however, he has already told me he is going to have to work two jobs in order to pay for everything, which leaves little time to be with her... I have talked to him about the fact that together he and I could give her a better quality of life here, but he doesn't want to be an "out of state dad".

So I think you're right, I have to let him go.

[lavenderdove]

>>But the other part of me says no way, I want another child and a family, and I want that with him.

 

Look, i think that there is more going on here. Suddenly he MUST move away to be near his daughter, but when she was born he didn't move, and he didn't file for paternity, and he didn't set up a formal custody arrangement and he didn't even bother to she her very much.

 

And now you're talking marriage and family and he suddenly has to decamp to a far away state he knows you can't move to. He seems to be more about fleeing things that he perceives as scary than he is about commitment to anybody (you or his daughter etc.).

 

So an LDR may be EXACTLY the way he wants it. He has you on tap for emotional support and can see you when he's in the mood, but he doesn't have day to day responsibility and commitment to you and your son.

 

I suggest you cut contact with him immediately. Because I think he'd be HAPPY to be in this LDR role where he is still a free agent and doesn't have to commit to you and your son and a marriage and more kids. And he's showing that he has very poor judgment on lots of levels. He never saw his daughter much before, and now suddenly he's bolting there and will have to work 2 part time jobs and rarely see her there either. So that doesn't make sense either.

 

I don't think this man is ready for a commitment to anybody given his knee jerk reactions and that what he SAYS he wants is different than his actual behavior (i.e., he's acting like his daughter is so important, yet for 3 years he had nothing much to do with her at all). So i think it's just a convenient excuse for him to run away from you and commitment. Don't waste your life on someone who behaves this way. Cut him off and go find a man who wants to be an active and permanent part of your life and your son's life.

[lavenderdove]

btw, i also find it problematic that he will so quickly run to stiff involvement in your son's life when he has been more present in your life than he has in his daughter's up to now. If he was ready to marry you and stepparent your son, he wouldn't be making this call at all. His daughter is already used to him being an out of state Dad, whereas he is abandoning you and your son when your son is used to having him in his life every day. So he's not fully bonded enough with either you or your son even after living together if he makes this particular choice. So let him go.

 

And 700 miles is a LONG distance. You won't be able to see each other often unless you have money to buy an airline ticket a couple times a month. So the way you have to look at it is you'd only see him maybe 6-10 times in a YEAR for a few days at a time, and your son would see him less than that. So over the course of a year, you might see him maybe 20-25 days out of 365. That gets old really really fast, and since you have no way of moving to live in his state, there is really no end game for this relationship, just a whole lot of loneliness and time spent without a real partner in your life.

[klambert918]

lavenderdove -

 

I agree with you on many points. There were several reasons he could not be part of his daughters life from the beginning... many of which I do not hold against him or think he could have avoided. He really needed the past 3 years to get his life back in order. That being said, I still don't think it's right what he is doing. To his defense, I did know of his plan to leave since before we started dating. It was one of the very first things he told me when we met. Obviously neither of us could have predicted we'd grow so close over the past year and a half.

I do agree with you about up and leaving my son and I when he has been more involved in his life than his daughters. Part of the lack of involvement with his daughter is that it is not cheap to fly to where she is, and her mother is... difficult... so organizing visits is tough. He he has seen her for all of her birthdays, christmases, and about 3 other week long visits in between.

I didn't think about the idea of him actually being happy with a long term relationship and it makes me curious about a lot of things that are going on. I have considered that I am his "plan b" in case something goes wrong, which is upsetting, but what it feels like right now. He has been trying to convince me to try an ldr for 3 months to see how it works and then we will "reevaluate". He found a place to rent for those first 3 months until that happens, but it just seems like time wasted to me.

I'm so torn on it. I feel like there is hope for us in the future and that I should stick with it because of that... Like having the tiniest bit of a relationship with him is better than nothing. But on the other, more logical side, I think there's not a chance in hell it would work out.

[mhowe]

To his defense, I did know of his plan to leave since before we started dating --- well, then ---- again I say "let go with love". It isn't going to work.

[lavenderdove]

>>I feel like there is hope for us in the future and that I should stick with it because of that...

 

Well, you can hope to win the $5M lottery or for all kinds of things but you have to compare it against reality and the odds of that hope becoming real or whether there are insurmountable obstacles in the way of that hope, hence making them unrealistic fantasies rather than any chance of actually happening.

 

So what other than 'i really want him' is the basis for your hope? You've pretty well said that there is no way for you to move to his location for quite a few reasons, and he's determined not to stay in your area. Do those reasons have any likelihood of evaporating or changing in the near term (next 6 months or so)? Otherwise you are in the exact same position he was in with his daughter, but potentially worse because you'd either have to leave your son behind to see him, or pay for dual plane tickets which i imagine might only be able to happen a couple times a year.

 

The most realistic hope that i see here is that he may discover that he hates working two part time jobs, and that seeing his daughter there isn't as rewarding as he thought, or that he misses you so much he rethinks the whole thing and decides he should move back to where you are.

 

But that would argue that a better position for you to take would be to tell him that you think you should have 3 months of no contact at all when he moves, where he gets to see if his feelings are strong enough for you to change his mind and have him move back again, since there is really no way at all you'll ever be able to move there and you have no desire to do an LDR for the next 20 years rather than having a real and normal relationship with someone. And at the end of 3 months you talk and see whether he will be moving back, or whether things are working out for him there as he planned and he will stay there and it is time to really let go permanently and move on.

 

You have better odds of him coming back if he is instantly shocked into what life means without you in it. If you continue in an LDR, then that gives him time to wean himself off you, get more established in his new location, and look for a new woman to replace you with there while still having you comfort him and provide emotional support during this move transition period. So all extending this into a 3 month LDR does is give him time to adjust to his new place, and time to wean himself off you rather than accepting that he's made a bad choice that ensures your relationship with him can't move forward and with no way to take it to the next level due to the distance and restrictions made by the distance.

 

So flip this around. Tell him that given that you will never be able to move there, it is better to spend those 3 months by cutting contact and figuring out whether he misses you enough that his feelings for you are strong enough for him to move back and commit to you and really being with you rather than expecting you to live a restricted life because he's not willing to work out a long distance custody situation with his ex. At the end of 3 months, you either call it off, or he decides that this move didn't work out the way he expected and he is better off coming back to you again.

[abitbroken]

I do agree with you about up and leaving my son and I when he has been more involved in his life than his daughters. Part of the lack of involvement with his daughter is that it is not cheap to fly to where she is, and her mother is... difficult... so organizing visits is tough. He he has seen her for all of her birthdays, christmases, and about 3 other week long visits in between.

 

It is on you that you let him be so close to your son to "up and leave him." (unless you are talking about you up and leaving your son). Also, your son is not his son or stepson. His daughter trumps your son for him rightfully. It could be that if the mother of the daughter is difficult, he is now jumping at the chance now that she is loosening up about the daughter. If you knew from day one that he was moving, why did you get involved so deeply with him? Or were you more attractive to him because you ultimately couldn't commit because of the move?

 

I think that if you were together several years and had talked marriage before this, had gotten married, it would be okay if your career paid half if the cost of living was also half if you were doing life as a married couple, but not just to date.

 

I would let him go and let him be. It is sad that you really care about this guy, but there are guys who are will stick in town and where things would be better for your son.