Bad breakups - how often do exs apologize or feel guilty?

[star554]

First off, I went through a bad breakup exactly 2 months ago.

 

So something strange and unexpected happened to me pretty recently. When we broke up, I basically selected a handful of friends who I recycle through when I'm feeling particularly emotional. I confided in a male friend about my breakup (the many ups and downs). I thought it was pretty clear that I'm in no mental state to date and whatever feelings I have for any guy are still for my ex (good or bad). So I'm not sure what told my friend that it would be a good idea to express his feelings for me at this point, but he did. I'm in no way interested in him or actually ever will be (not gonna get into why - let's just say I know him TOO well).

 

I immediately distanced myself from this guy, no clear convo - I just sorta cut him out. It wasn't that hard because I was angry at him. I feel like he acted totally inappropriately, esp given that he KNOWS exactly what I'm going through.

 

A few weeks have gone by, and I pray that his feelings for me have disappeared. But every time he initiates a convo, it feels super awkward for me. So today, I was thinking really hard about it, and then I was like AM I BEING MEAN? Am I acting like my ex? Indifferent? Aloof?

 

So I ended up just sending him a quick text along the lines of "hope we're cool now?" I don't want him to think I don't care - I'm just not interested in THAT way. He responded with a "you know I'm always here for you, right?" I sorta laughed it off, because I still get the feeling he's interested and I don't want to lead him on.

 

But the point is I eventually felt guilty. My ex and I were supposedly in love and he made me cry right in front of him. He was completely aloof, indifferent, and downright mean. I guess what I'm wondering is, do you think the guilt ever sets in? Does there come a point where someone actually realizes "oh wow, I really hurt this person who cared a lot about me."

 

I guess I've felt a bit like a joke in my ex's eyes. And although, I know it won't affect me, but do you think that I'll always be the joke? Or do you think, he one day will look back and say "I could've handled that a lot better"? Do people even look back?

[alli]

Everyone's breakup situation is different, but I think for many people by the time they are ready to go through with it their biggest priority is making the break. Yes, the other person will be hurt and will express that hurt, but there is no way you can break up with someone and avoid that. Maybe when he was being "aloof, indifferent and downright mean" he was just trying to make the breakup as fast and unambiguous as possible. I know it's harder to be the person getting dumped than to be the dumper, but it is still hard to end a relationship. Maybe putting up a wall is a self-protective mechanism.

 

I'm not sure why he would think you are a joke. In any case, his opinion of you doesn't matter anymore.

 

Regarding the other dude, I guess he thought your vulnerable state was a good place to express his feelings about you. You've already sent him a clear non-verbal signal that you aren't interested. I don't think it would be a bad thing to verbalize this also- that you care for him but you do not nor ever will have reciprocal feelings for him. Naturally, your actions should follow your words and not give him nonverbal signals that you are interested in him. It sounds like you are already doing that.

 

Best of luck to you.

[miss_sunshine]

Hi star. I will be interested to hear what people think so I will follow this thread. I too wonder if they ever feel bad or will feel the need to apologise or talk it through. My ex decided after 11 years he did not want marriage or kids, which was news to me as we were about to buy a house and talked about marriage a lot and he said he wanted it.

 

He was very cold and downright mean in the end and I wonder if he feels badly for stringing me along and hurting me so much.

[mrb]

We will never know, really you can only speak for yourself. I know I can certainly look back at when me and my ex broke up and say "wow I could of done this better" and "i shouldn't of said that", but ifs all a learning experiance.

 

My ex broke up with me so cruelly. Came to my house after the club finished, started packing things in bags and that was it.

When we spoke some time after it I told her I respect her decision and there's nothing I can do to change her mind, but I felt dissapointed that's the way she felt she had to treat me.

 

My ex will never admit she's wrong however and is always the victim. These kinds of people often keep things like that very secret, or in a diary, they don't want to be seen as weak, or wrong to anyone and will often try justify their reasons.

[einsteins_girl]

I cannot speak to whether or not my ex has felt guilty about the circumstances of the breakup. (Technically, I broke up with him, but it was after he said some very hurtful things to me.) I do know that it has been nearly three years, and he has never apologized for the things he said (or spoken to me at all, for that matter). So I would say that exes may feel guilty (who knows), but there are definitely some that never apologize.

[Brotherhood67]

Hum.

 

For a lot of people, breaking up is something which is mentally constructed to be a gesture of survival based on a self-centered POV.

So, in the end, what is there to apologize for ? Some of them actually believe they did the famously "right thing" by breaking up. Do you honestly believe that they feel sad / bad for hurting you and want to apologize when all they think about is getting rid of you ?

 

I don't buy this vastly shared opinion about someone who gets rid of you and feels sad about it. That's a enormous proof about thé fact that the only thing that matters is themselves. I'm Amused by all of these men or women who tear someone's heart apart and then play the "sad little puppy" when talking about it. Like they are some victims of it.

 

Don't let them fool you : if they want to apologize, it's because they want to look good. To "show" remorse for hurting you rather than actually feeling it. They apologize because they are selfish and downright disrespectful. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

As a dumpee who has been hurt, you should be thankful towards those persons. They actually did the right thing for you also : to allow yourself to get rid of someone who, really, doesn't care one bit about you. Apologies are not to be expected nor desired. They are useless.

 

Now is time to build a better future for yourself. Not them. They already did it for themselves by breaking up with you.

[IAmFCA]

In the case of my explosive relationship of a couple of years ago, we have apologized to each other more than once. In the case of my most recent, I am the dumper and I have nothing for which to apologize. In any event, I have no validation or affirmation to offer him, because first, he needs to respect NC. Instead I received birthday flowers and gifts by mail. Even that kindness was not welcome.

[star554]

Hmmm interesting perspectives. I feel that you have the right to breakup with someone for whatever reason - but the way you do it speaks volumes. I'm not saying anyone has to or should apologize. Let's say I haven't spoken to my ex in 5 years. Then, perhaps, it doesn't make sense for him to suddenly drop by and say "Hey I'm so sorry for how I acted 5 years ago." It could be really awkward.

 

In my situation, my ex swore at me, laughed in my face as I cried. I just wondered, if that behaviour will ever register as "mean" and "hurtful" to him. I don't need an apology at all! I have long accepted that sometimes you need to make your own closure. This was ust a thought...

[star554]

@babydoll, oh I'm so sorry that's terrible. I understand what you might be going through. Ultimately, we may never hear from them again. But I can honestly say that being on the other side of it, I definitely learned from HIS behaviour - I know that I wouldn't want to make someone feel so little.

[Ms Darcy]

Dumpees often feel very angry and hurt by how a break up occurs. For the most part, break ups are messy. There are a lot of mixed feelings. Sometimes YOU need time and distance to get some perspective.

 

Usually anything a dumper does is wrong. Being too friendly during a break up, being too aloof; saying sweet things, saying mean things; going no contact, giving breadcrumbs.

 

Unless the dumper cheated or was abusive, ultimately their biggest crime is not wanting what you want and not wanting to be with you anymore. Again assuming no cheating or abuse, a break up is the culmination of a lot of contemplation on the dumpers part.

 

When one makes the decision that the best thing is to end the relationship, there are often a lot of feelings. Sometimes there is gulit, but sometimes anger or indifference or annoyance. Ultimately, though, guilt passes for relief. And in the long run the dumper feels relief and eventually feels nothing as they move on.

 

Ultimately, you will move on too.

[permanentshrug]

I can actually answer this question- a few months back I apologised to an ex for the way I broke up with her. I handled it in a really immature fashion, and I think it only made the actual break-up worse. That was all I apologised for, though- I don't regret ending the relationship. As others have said, if it isn't working out, there's nothing to apologise for in that way, painful as it is.

 

The reason I apologised had a lot to do with the pain of being dumped myself, quite recently- I finally understood what I had put her through. Much to my surprise, she took it really well. I suppose enough time had passed for her.

[star554]

Sorry for your recent breakup. And yah, time heals all wounds, I guess. But it's good to know that sometimes, even months later, something may click on the WAY he ended it. I acknowledge that breaking up is rough but it happens. I still stand by you shouldn't treat the your ex like sh*t just because you're not together - he/she is a human after all. Why cause bad blood? Or kick someone when they're already down.

 

I guess I'm trying to forgive, without actually getting an apology. Time. Time. Time.

[saluk]

Many dumpers don't have the clarity to know why they need to break up, or may not feel entirely justified in their reasoning. This doesn't of course mean that there ISN'T a good reason why they are doing it, but it can be quite confusing. So in their immaturity, in order to go through with the break up, and make it easier to do so for them, they trump up fake reasons, try to make you look bad, or just put up very unnatural walls. In some ways a bad break up can be better for both parties. A painful breakup is harder to undo than one where you both agree to stop seeing each other, and then second guess the whole thing over and over. That clarity may or may not ever come for either of you - but you can learn, even if you don't understand the WHY, to understand that the process had to happen and come to your own terms with it.

 

I also want to add, that it's not a good idea to cry into the shoulders of the opposite sex. Though this other friend may have been inappropriate, this vulnerability can make you seem more appealing. A lot of guys will see you like a damsel in distress to be rescued. "You were just dumped - need a boyfriend? I'll be your boyfriend!" It's not even just that, but those kind of deeply personal conversations just make you feel really close to a person. It's a blurry area. Moreover, if a guy has been attracted to you for a while, he may have been able to shelve that attraction, but now that you are on the market it comes back. This has happened to me, one of my close friends who I has previously had a crush on but gotten over it started hanging out with me more after her breakup, and those feelings crept back up to me without warning and messed things up.

[Brotherhood67]

It reminds me of a story.

 

A boy and his father are at home.

 

His father tells him : "you see this plate, take it"

 

The boy takes it.

 

Now his father tells him : "smash it on the ground"

 

The boy throws it on the ground on the ground, it explodes in a million pieces.

 

His father tells him to apologize to the plate.

 

The boy tells "I'm sorry"

 

Father : "did it stay broken ?"

 

The boy : "yes"

 

Father : "now you begin to understand"

 

When you apologize, as a dumper, you do it out of selfishness. Nothing more, nothing less. If you cared about the dumpee, you would take some glue with you. Words are cheap and apologizing is a sign of disrepect in my opinion.