Stress

[Man with Dog]

I'm currently sufferring from a high level of stress. Some of it is caused by recent events: my wife is in hospital following a heart attack but a lot of it is due to my overall life situation, which is less than comfortable. Here's a few:

 

1. We are in a bad financial situation. We are clinging onto our house by our fingernails and cannot afford to do much for entertainment. I had to ask my mum for a bailout 4 years ago and we have just paid her back. We have not had a vacation for years

 

2. Aside from recent events, my wife and I have bad health issues

 

3. My career hasn't been a complete train wreck but I never got anywhere near my career goals. Don't say it's never too late, as I am within 5 years of retirement

 

4. My current job situation is insecure and there's a real probability of redundancy (or FMP as they call it in the US). My chances of re-employment are not good

 

5. Although I have a job, I don't have any close co-workers I can really talk to and I can talk to some family members but they have their own stresses

 

6. I am insecure about the physical signs of ageing. I don't like the idea of people noticing my grey hair and wrinkles

 

I really don't know what to do.

[IAmFCA]

It's time for the serenity prayer. Focus on the things you can change, accept the things you can't.

 

Past career moves, money choices, etc... that's all in the past. Accept your past career choices etc. Aging is better than the alternative. Today is Square 1. "What moves do i make from here?"

[SpottiOtti]

Man, I wish I had good answers for you. It sounds like things are pretty stressful right now, and like you might need some financial advice . . . know anywhere you could get that?

 

Is it all bad? Has anything happened that is good, even just a little good? What's worked for you in the past when you were feeling stressed?

 

But you know, sometimes we just need to wallow and have ourselves a nice little breakdown before we're ready to look for solutions or to change our points of view. Maybe you just need to wallow, have a good cry? I mean, it would be completely understandable if you did!

 

I hope your wife comes home soon. I wonder if her hospitalization is casting a darker cloud over the other stressors. And I hope you get to feeling more positive soon, too. >

[Man with Dog]

As far as debt management, etc is concerned, I'm pretty much an expert myself now. A lot of the past issues and some of the present ones are caused by my wife and I not being on the same chapter as far as money is concerned. My wife's inclination is to buy what we need. Mine is to buy what we can afford and leave a bit over for emergencies and/or treats. As a result all money gets used up on essentials plus a bit more and there's nothing for emergencies or treats.

 

I'm not specific about things on the board (as I don't want to be "outed") but the best thing that has happened is that our daughter has made a big step career-wise.

 

Unfortunately, my wife won't be home anytime soon but, yes, that is making things worse than normal at the moment.

 

Thanks.

[Man with Dog]

It's time for the serenity prayer. Focus on the things you can change, accept the things you can't.

 

Past career moves, money choices, etc... that's all in the past. Accept your past career choices etc. Aging is better than the alternative. Today is Square 1. "What moves do i make from here?"

 

Some of my career moves haven't really been choices. I have taken on jobs/roles mostly with the aim of remaining in employment and not because it's what I really feel passionate about.

[IAmFCA]

Some of my career moves haven't really been choices. I have taken on jobs/roles mostly with the aim of remaining in employment and not because it's what I really feel passionate about.

 

Then I applaud you for your hustle.

[cryingalways]

I think you sound like you've made the best of some difficult situations, you should be proud of how you have dealt with these things, it shows great strength. I am often jealous of people who can get on with life like you have, I get anxious over the smallest of things

 

Stress, I can relate to. People often tell me meditation helps, just give yourself a ten minute window each day to clear your mind and not stress. This can help sometimes I have found.

 

Nice smells help me too, insense sticks or candles...I know it sounds a bit stupid but I feel like what would be great for you and your wife is a holiday, but when you can't have these things, just treating yourself to little moments of pleasure and relaxation can help. Like I say, I know it doesn't sound like much, but if you aren't doing these things and are stressed a lot, it will help to train your mind to be at peace with itself.

 

I wish your wife the best of luck and you

[Man with Dog]

Many thanks for your thoughts. Unfortunately, even though I cope (usually with the help of medication), I still get anxious and the anxiety never leaves me. I try to find a little time for myself to enjoy a hobby but I find it difficult to put aside time that is uninterruptible. Recently I tried to settle in front of TV for a while but kept getting phone calls asking how my wife was doing.

 

I should feel grateful for their concern but I really needed some switch off time.

[IAmFCA]

MWD hope you took an opportunity to check out for even an hour.

 

When my life was a landslide and I was holding on with my fingers and toes, I heard the Sheryl Crow lyric that is now part of my signature, and I offer it to you now, below, for emphasis.

 

"It's not having what you want / It's wanting what you've got."

 

You know this already by the work that you have done to get this far. What you are facing now may force another round of prioritizing for you, when you think about what you are willing to walk away from in order to protect who and what you love and need. Focus keenly on your critical path and slough off the rest till some other day/time/era. Make yourself proud of what you have accomplished, as you should be.

 

What has been unaccomplished is collateral damage, a necessary loss in the war to protect what is most important. Good on you for making those choices and doing right by your own values.

[annie24]

Hugs. I don't have any advice, but I hope that things work out for you and your family.

[SooSad33]

Many thanks for your thoughts. Unfortunately, even though I cope (usually with the help of medication), I still get anxious and the anxiety never leaves me. I try to find a little time for myself to enjoy a hobby but I find it difficult to put aside time that is uninterruptible. Recently I tried to settle in front of TV for a while but kept getting phone calls asking how my wife was doing.

 

I should feel grateful for their concern but I really needed some switch off time.

 

Hey Man,

 

Do you have facebook? You could always make other's 'aware' of her condition etc on there and also 'ask' for some quiet time for both of you as you are 'exhausted'.

I think maybe some therapy even may help you here. I'm also on anxiety med's but have been involved with therapy/ pysch's, etc. too.

 

Yes, this ALL stretches one out emotionally/mentally with so many things going on. So, youjust have to find ways to deal with it.

As mentioned, something like burning candles, etc. I do that too.

I uses stress balls.. i do deep breathing and zone out with my music sometimes too.

Or, how about a journal? Get your thoughts down on paper?

 

It sounds like you NEED some down time.. for YOU?

 

Today may be stressful & full of anxiety... tomorrow may be more relaxed.. or not. I understand.

But we do have to do our best to manage it.

DO try n get your rest though! Eat well. Take care of you as well, here.

 

tc

[IAmFCA]

love the fb idea

[Man with Dog]

Not everyone is on Facebook but I have posted about her condition. I haven't said anything about stress, as some things I don't like to be in the public arena. I don't tell my mum any negative stuff because she is elderly and I don't want to worry her. I also am hiding stuff from my wife, too.

 

I can't afford therapy. This may be difficult for people to understand but I don't actually have any personal spending money at all and neither does my wife.

 

Coming on here is a great help and I also help I can help others too. I don't know all the answers but I've lived the best part of 3 decades and hope I've picked up some useful stuff along the way.

 

Only silver lining for me is that when my first marriage broke up, it was much worse and I survived that.

[Man with Dog]

love the fb idea

 

I can't say too much on Facebook. I'm not a celebrity but am well-known in a specialist interest as a writer and come here as I can be anonymous.

[IAmFCA]

Your post is spot on.

 

I understand very well the recovery path you describe. Keep rolling. Take a minute to say, I am doing it, I am actually recovering. Faith in the process...

 

Not everyone is on Facebook but I have posted about her condition. I haven't said anything about stress, as some things I don't like to be in the public arena. I don't tell my mum any negative stuff because she is elderly and I don't want to worry her. I also am hiding stuff from my wife, too.

 

I can't afford therapy. This may be difficult for people to understand but I don't actually have any personal spending money at all and neither does my wife.

 

Coming on here is a great help and I also help I can help others too. I don't know all the answers but I've lived the best part of 3 decades and hope I've picked up some useful stuff along the way.

 

Only silver lining for me is that when my first marriage broke up, it was much worse and I survived that.

[pfbsurf]

Sounds like life. There will always be something to stress us out, sometimes a few major stressors at the same time.

 

You are on meds without talk therapy? Not a fan of that.

 

I guess it is time to be brutally honest with yourself. What are your daily habits? What could you radically change without affecting your responsiblities?

 

I think we all tend to kid ourselves that we work hard and do our best, when in reality we work "enough" to stay where we are in life, maybe so we can have an excuse when times get rough. I'm certainly guilty of that, but i'm also aware of how I can BS myself. Its a slippery slope, bc it amounts to taking full blame for everythng in our lives. But its better than someone patting us on our heads and saying "don't worry, you'll be fine"... or you did your best, thats all you can do or whatever...

 

I am a big fan of the resources available online - particularly youtube. Depression, meaning of life, change your life, self esteem, etc etc. Enter any of these keywords and look for people talking about these subjects. Do this every AM, in the car, at night. You will pick up something i guarantee.

 

And read Nathaniel Branden - the 6 pillars of self esteem. He writes that every mental health issue from mild depression to schizophrenia, stems from the same basic issue, a "fractured sense of the self". Basically, self esteem is the confidence (or lack of) that we have in ourselves to cope with the issues and problems in life. Everything else flows from there. This is why you will find very happy people who are poor and sick, and very depressed rich, healthy people. Your circumstances are irrelevant, or at the very least, not important, compared to how you percieve them.

 

Branden has a quote - "No one is coming". Think about that. No one, here, in your family, your therapist, no one is going to "fix" anything in your life but you.

 

Good luck.

[Man with Dog]

Yes about therapy. In the UK, you are lucky to get anything out of the NHS at all and then you get enough time to start peeling the layers but you never get to the middle. I can't afford to pay for it.

 

I'm working hard at the moment but not at my actual job. I come on here when I can and keep an eye out for what's going on. I'm doing a lot of things in the house that my wife normally does, so have less free time to enjoy with family or for hobbies.

 

Before my wife was ill I was doing a lot of writing. OK, I don't make a lot from it but I get more fulfillment from it than at my "day job", where most of us are expecting to be laid off sooner or later and create a front to persuade people that we're less dispensable than others.

 

I generally find coming on here helps but maybe I should explore other places as well. As it is I don't manage to read all the threads here, though.

[ParisPaulette]

You need to find things that bring your stress levels down and let you decompress. Some things I can suggest: yoga, meditation, therapy, sports, movies or books that make you laugh or smile, driving to a place that calms you, swimming. If it made you ever feel calm or even just a teeny bit better in the past then grab hold of that activity or movie or whatever it is and do that right now. When I was going through a very bad time in my life I confess I wore out the DVD of my son's Sponge Bob movie, because I'd come home every night, cry my eyes out, then put that dumb kid movie on and laugh until I couldn't breathe. I don't even like Sponge Bob, but something about that movie just helped me put up enough of a wall against the darkness that I could feel better and keep going.

 

And I'm sorry about your wife's illness. That is always one of the hardest things to go through, isn't it? When someone you love is hurting or ill. I've told my mother a thousand times I'd trade places with her tomorrow if I thought it would give her back her life. And I mean it too. But still it is what it is and we all have to carry on when things get rough. I hope things will get better for you and I wish I had some sort of magic wand to wave and help you, but I don't. Just my own experiences on what has worked for me.

 

You need to find healthy ways to disconnect yourself from stress on a daily basis, it will help. It won't necessarily take care of all your problems, but it will help put you in a better frame of mind to deal with those problems. And aging, well good luck in that one. Aging does suck, but it beats the alternative which is dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse. Getting physically fit or taking up a sport will help with that as well as alleviate stress. Even if it's just doing housework maybe putting on music as you do your house chores could help?

 

I know my suggestions are probably silly, but it's how I've coped for a lifetime. I have horses to ride where I"m at too, don't know what I'd do without them right now frankly since I have my elderly mother to care for and some days are just...dark. All I can tell you is find what works for you that helps you in any way and do that. Writing is good too. It all helps. Good luck and I hope things do get better for you.

[Starshine]

Dear friend

Hope. Believe and pray if you may

Hope that everything will be fine and believe in yourself and life that it never remains the same there are always ups and downs in it. Hope and pray in the fact that you will see a better time and don't worry too much.

Oh yeah for your job keep on looking for something who knows you might find something suitable and yes try finding a hobby for yourself reading, or anything that interest you. It might help with the stress

Regards

[Man with Dog]

During normal periods I have a hobby that I am really keen on and write about. Obviously I have less time for it right now and I've reluctantly had to abandon writing projects for now. I have to focus on trying to hang onto my job and do the things round the house that my wife normally does.

 

Ideally, I would have more than one hobby and have a social life but I know that most people cannot have everything. At my age (late 50s) starting with a new sport is not really practical and I'm too old for football and cricket. I probably get more exercise than most of my age group by walking my dog. Unfortunately, I have less time to walk, too.

 

One or 2 people have suggested I change jobs but I'm better off staying for 2 reasons:

 

1. It is impossible for me to find a higher paying job in this employment market

2. If I get made redundant, my settlement/FMP is about 2 years' worth of salary

 

Unless I could get a "dream" job, rather than one I am likely to get in this job market, it is highly probable that I would find it just as stressful and unfulfilling as my current job. This is one reason I started writing in the first place - to make a bit of extra money and (hopefully) one day make enough that I no longer needed a "day job". Like most writers, I haven't achieved the latter but I get more fulfillment and chance to learn skills that I wouldn't get in employment. It's just a shame that I have to abandon it in favour of keeping up with housework and my "day job". I don't expect to get back to a "normal" routine any time soon. If my wife survives the operation, I see little free time for the next few months.

 

I usually only come on here when "skiving" from work.