Getting back together or healing after break up?

[pfbsurf]

Well, anyone who has followed my story, my many fans might be interested in the most recent development.

 

Before I get into the specifics, i will say that I have learned so much and continue to learn about myself and my ex, and relationships, and i'm not sure that full NC in my situation would have been as helpful. Maybe now or soon, but there was definitely some unfinished business between us that we seem to have gotten around to now.

 

Anyway - 10 months R, 10 weeks LC - i broke up with her because of emotional and likely physical cheating (and an incredibly high level of stress in my life outside of this) she's 44/ im 47, 1 hour apart, i have three kids and a very busy, productive life.

 

I was pretty good about staying away, but was (and all this is detailed in prior posts) completely devestated for about a month. Better now. I just sort of faced the stuff head on - slept alot, stopped drinking for a bit, and just dealt with each day as it came. For those of you at the front end of this process (and trust me, i was as bad as i've been mentally in my life) you WILL feel good again.

 

Just as i was feeling good - we ran into each other. Of course. And reconnected rekindled over a couple of days. (labor day). That was a week and a half ago. She has been texting me - i had been reserved and not pursuing her at all. I have been still very cautious. She has not asked to get back together or said that she made a mistake - but thats not her style anyway. On paper, it could have been just one of those things that we reconnected - blame it on the salt air, wine and dancing We both agree that it was much, much better than we had expected..

 

But neither of us know what it means at this point. I'm dating - she's dating. We are both poised to move on. But she has gotten used to me as a good friend (but i am defintely not in the friendzone, she knows that is not my deal and there is still a definite sexual tension, that never went away..) So she's been staying in touch, has had a rough week at work and personally, and just needed me to talk/text.

 

that was over the last few days. I'll leave out the details but I am not under illusions here - she misses me but also has hopes for meeting her "dream guy", which in a couple of ways, i am just not. (her dream guy makes 500k+, is tall and very handsome, and will take care of her. Think Mr. Big from SITC. I make a great living, just not 500k, short but handsome and make her laugh and know her combination in bed)

 

We talked / face timed last night for an hour. Here is where it gets interesting.

 

She admitted texting that 28 year old guy, and getting shirtless pix from him. But she claimed they never hooked up. I didn't really pull this out of her, she just admitted it when i brought his name up. I now have a very mild concern that this was not the guy, and that there may have been another guy. Sigh. I"ll never know i guess. Bottom line is that when things got tought, she strayed and didn't have the guts to let me go. She wanted me around and wanted freedom too.

 

OK, this came up and we dropped it - she never apologized and i didn't ask. I just don't get mad i guess. She agreed that her behavior was worthy of her being dumped. I suppose at this point, its irrelevant. (Honesty and commitment are not irrelevant)

 

The rest of the call i made her laugh and we talked about whether it was a good idea to have reconnected. We both agreed that it was, but that it definitely is confusing. She says she thinks about me all the time, and that it is making it hard for her to meet other guys. I said i was dating and that it was easy True actually. We talked about getting together every few weeks and dating other people.

 

I know that whatever we talk about, at least for now, is sort of pointless. The ONLY way we can figure some of this out is to actually get together and then give it some time.

 

Right now, my strategy is simple - and its my fave relationship quote

 

"the only relationship strategy is self improvement"

 

i'm going to keep focused on myself, on my kids and my career, and allow her to reach out. I will not, for now, go to NC, but I am not going to pursue and express my feelings to her at all.

 

I'm going to continue to date, to meet women and just have casual fun. I'm not 100% in that mode, but its not like it was 8 weeks ago, where she was the only girl in the world.. She's human now. A hot, kooky, sweet and confused human..

 

So, the moral of the story? Well, off the top of my head, LC worked pretty well- it was brutal, absolutely brutal, but right now i am in the best mental shape i've been in since we first got together, actually, even better (was drinking and depressed when we first met up last year). Maybe its just the cycles we all go through, but i think that the turmoil and pain of the relationship made me stronger and forced me to deal with some serious issues. Without her being somewhat on the sidelines, i may have had a much harder time, who knows? I do know more about how she feels about me because of LC- and of course that could backfire, but in this case (ego boost) she really did miss me, she really does like me alot and compares me to other guys, etc. That is nice to know.

 

Anyway, thanks for reading. wish me luck

[mhowe]

Her "dream guy" is just that --- a fantasy unlikely to ever come her way.

[abitbroken]

You don't have to wait to "actually get back together" to figure it out. Figure it out before you contemplate. Lay it all out. Tell her your concern is that she will be gone when the first six pack of abs comes along. Don't just let her bring stuff up with no remorse and just listen. Comment. You are not her "friend" - you are either dating her or you are not dating her/not communicating. If she has shown no remorse for what she did before, she is not worth dating. You don't want your kids to get attached to her either

[pfbsurf]

Her "dream guy" is just that --- a fantasy unlikely to ever come her way.

 

Of course. She knows that.

 

And i have a dream girl. Its not her.

 

I really am trying to make the point that there is theory in relationships, and then there is the real world, if that makes sense. People have ideals and expectations, much of the time they are unrealistic. I know I do, i try every day to match up my goals with my effort, but i get lazy and rely on "hope" and dreams... She is no different.

 

i'm sure i am starting down a road that could end poorly for me - disappointment and pain. But i am 100% certain that i will be able to handle this better than the last time - when i can honestly say that i hit 'rock bottom' partially due to my inability to handle the stress around the relationship.

 

We'll see...

[pfbsurf]

You don't have to wait to "actually get back together" to figure it out. Figure it out before you contemplate. Lay it all out. Tell her your concern is that she will be gone when the first six pack of abs comes along. Don't just let her bring stuff up with no remorse and just listen. Comment. You are not her "friend" - you are either dating her or you are not dating her/not communicating. If she has shown no remorse for what she did before, she is not worth dating. You don't want your kids to get attached to her either

 

I've got a sort of a six pack Maybe thats why she keeps me around...

 

As for dating/not dating, i'd say we are somewhere in the middle. We are clearly not dating. We are clearly not "just friends". And all of this is up in the air.

 

Great point about the kids, and also about the remorse. She did not apologize, i sort of swept it under the rug.

 

For now, i think i'll just react when she reaches out. Maybe she doesn't. I really feel that there is limited downside for me at this point, because I have not made any decisions. I do want her to know that she does need to "win me back" - she knows I"m dating casually, and honestly, if she is not worried about me finding someone else, then that sort of answers the question.

[lavenderdove]

>>"the only relationship strategy is self improvement"

 

That is actually not true. A relationship is a dynamic between two people. Where there must be negotiations involved because you are NOT the same person and have differing wants, needs, goals, choices, hobbies, likes/dislikes and on and on. Relationships work or not due to lots of factors, the main one being whether you can negotiate a relationship where there terms of the relationship mean you are both happy with it and with what you are getting out of it.

 

So this is the dynamic: You > Us

 

Each of you can independently work on the 'You' or 'Me' part, but if the 'Us' part isn't clearly spelled out, understood, agreed to, appreciated, desired etc., it just doesn't work out.

 

So you can 'do your own thing' only up to a certain point because of the Us factor. And you can waste a lot of time if you are just running in your own groove and not really figuring out what 'Us' is and whether 'Us' together is truly compatible and able to go the distance due to commonalities.

 

You and this girl seem to enjoy each other but never really resolve the 'Us' issues that keep people together. And if i recall she's a cheater. So you can be on the most stringent self improvement plan on the planet, and if she's a flighty cheater not truly committed to you, you'll have the same outcome you had in the past.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

You seem to have a healthy approach towards this, but you'll need to be guarded with yourself as well. The moment she appears to be interested in trying again (seems like a possibility), you may fall back into your emotional attachment to her and repeat old habits.

 

Thanks for posting. My ex has some similarities to yours and I can now live through you about what could happen if we ever got back in touch. Every situation is different, but I stay completely NC with my ex because I get most of my what-if answers through everyone else.

 

Good luck. If nothing else, I hope you build a long-term meaningful friendship together.

[Clinton]

Every situation is different but dating other people and trying to hang onto each other as an option usually isn't a recipe for success.

 

If you truly want to meet other people this will hold you back and it's not really fair to the people you are dating.

 

If you want to get back together introducing other people into the mix usually leads to jealousy and hard feelings.

 

But if all you two want to be is friends, that's not a bad thing

[abitbroken]

Title doesn't matter (dating/not dating) once you have been romantic. You are acting like you don't have permission to confront the topic like a buddy. Yes, there is a downside because you are rewarding this woman with your presence, access to you and possible sex. You are answering when she reaches out. Shouldn't you sometimes not be available? Also, casual dating, to me, when one is ultimately looking for a partner is the chance to date a variety of people for proper dates (no sofa dates/sex/"hanging out" too soon and not actually dating them) and being able to weed out people that don't have long term qualities before you get too hooked. And pairing off when you are ready and the situation is right. It seems like you already weeded this one out because of her indiscretions - and the solution should be to move on and say "next" rather than have the ability to have sex and flirt but "not get too serious". It leaves no opening for a quality woman who is faithful.

 

I have been there when a guy really wanted someone different and i was the placeholder - it didn't matter how dazzling, charming or sexy I was, etc. I just wasn't that other person real or imagined

[pfbsurf]

First, about the cheating. I know. I suppose it was mild as far as that stuff is concerned, but maybe not. Maybe i'm just sweeping all this under the rug. I am excusing her behavior a bit, "they didn't sleep together", it was only a few texts (according to her), "we were on the rocks, i was stressed"...

 

And the "you me us" thing - we really never got close to that. We dated - and then it ended. She talked about the future - getting married maybe, and then sort of got silent on the subject. I probably would have gone down that road, but now, i don't know how that would work.

 

As for the self improvement angle, in the early dating stage, i do believe that this is the point of a relationship. Even as an "us" there has to be some interdependence and independence. Hobbies, work, attitude and effort, these are all things that we have to develop whether in a relationship or not. If all goes well, then two people can figure out how to blend two happy productive lives together. But too many (myself included) fall back on the relationship as the primary source of happiness in our lives. A dangerous proposition.

 

I've been single for 8 years, and have done some decent self improvement. this will continue no matter what, or at least I hope it will One reason the recent relationship started to fall apart was because I was very stressed, and I stopped develping. I think you can do both in a relationship, but you have to prioritize yourself, that is all.

[pfbsurf]

Every situation is different but dating other people and trying to hang onto each other as an option usually isn't a recipe for success.

 

If you truly want to meet other people this will hold you back and it's not really fair to the people you are dating.

 

If you want to get back together introducing other people into the mix usually leads to jealousy and hard feelings.

 

But if all you two want to be is friends, that's not a bad thing

 

 

 

This is the main concern i have right now. We both want to be in long term relationships eventually, we don't want to be single forever. I have kids and a pretty set life - she does not.

 

We both have dealt with the dating scene. Its easy, fun and superficial on one level, and it is difficult and lonely on another. We are in a spot that so many other people get in.

 

I can't lie. I want to date others, have her date others, and have her come back to me and see that i'm her guy. Pretty juvenile I know.

 

And i am more worried now about getting sucked back in and getting hurt again.

 

Maybe we can be friends at some point, my feelings are too strong for that now...

 

I just need to take this one day at a time.

[Clinton]

This is the main concern i have right now. We both want to be in long term relationships eventually, we don't want to be single forever. I have kids and a pretty set life - she does not.

 

We both have dealt with the dating scene. Its easy, fun and superficial on one level, and it is difficult and lonely on another. We are in a spot that so many other people get in.

 

I can't lie. I want to date others, have her date others, and have her come back to me and see that i'm her guy. Pretty juvenile I know.

 

And i am more worried now about getting sucked back in and getting hurt again.

 

Maybe we can be friends at some point, my feelings are too strong for that now...

 

I just need to take this one day at a time.

 

What you describe doesn't work. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

 

Love, real love, isn't this complicated. Not from what I've seen anyway. You either both want to be together or you don't, there's no real mystery. And love always carries the risk that you'll get hurt. It's a sad fact that we can't avoid.

 

I will say that the only real regrets I have in life are the times I didn't try. I don't regret the pain that failed relationships brought, just the times where there was an opportunity and I didn't try because I was afraid.

 

Life's short, and real love doesn't come around that often.

[pfbsurf]

Oh boy. This is a helpful response...

 

First, your comment about "real or imagined" is very interesting. The text I sent to her -very out of character for me because i have been indifferent and casual in my responses -yesterday, was that I was attached to someone that I "wanted" her to be. Fatal flaw. No matter who i am or what i do or say, she will always be the same person, and vice versa.

 

And i have been pretty unavailable. 10 weeks of her texting and my late/indifferent responses - never asking to get together or work on things, i guess that is my verson of being unavailable. Last two weeks, since we reconnected, a bit less, but still indifferent, up until last night/yesterday.

 

Now, we are in the present moment. She may or may not contact me today. or tomorrow. Or maybe she does. She knows at this point that her reaching out is more meaningful than our chatting as friends. I'll decide what to do then. I would like to take her out this weekend -and its my birthday Monday - but i will not reach out to her first.

 

So maybe that means we go back to NC, she reaches out on my birthday and it sort of dies on the vine. I do have a couple of dates lined up, work is busy, and my life is good. I'll be sad, but i am in a very good position I think to be happy with her and be happy without her.

 

I know that my loyal fans are concerned about my heart I feel like i've got it protected - i may be in for some sad moments or sleepless nights, but i'm willing to pay that price. I"ve done my checklist of my great qualities - and my goals - all of which exist without her.

 

At this point, it is really up to her to proceed (as a side note, i will bring up the cheating at some point, but honestly, only if we spend a bit more time together. The subject is out there, and i don't see the point of bringing it up again until we know that there is some sort of future...

[pfbsurf]

What you describe doesn't work. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

 

Love, real love, isn't this complicated. Not from what I've seen anyway. You either both want to be together or you don't, there's no real mystery. And love always carries the risk that you'll get hurt. It's a sad fact that we can't avoid.

 

I will say that the only real regrets I have in life are the times I didn't try. I don't regret the pain that failed relationships brought, just the times where there was an opportunity and I didn't try because I was afraid.

 

Life's short, and real love doesn't come around that often.

 

 

 

I'm totally on board with your comments about regret and trying. No matter what, my feelings for her are real. I'm 47 and have said before that i would rather be grateful and sad than spiteful and pissed about an ex that i care about. Who knows if I'll ever feel this way about someone again.

 

And, not to beat a dead horse, she does have genuine feelings for me - this is not just codependency. It is worth trying to get to a point where we understand it and handle it all like adults - even with all the juvenile behavior...

 

As for my goal/strategy - maybe its cake eating, but the alternative means that I either put her on the spot or walk away again. It is just a bit too early for that. I really only want to focus on reacting to her reaching out. Anything else is trying to pull strings.

 

And actually, there is a lot of mystery, and it is complicated. We are just two people trying to figure things out without a rulebook. We are both confused - and cautious.

 

As of two weeks ago, we were both dating and had mostly moved on. For me to stop dating, or ask her too, would be a bit out of a fairy tale.

 

Will it work out? Honestly, probably not. Will I be ok if we go horseback riding this weekend and pretend that it is 6 months ago, and then we go our separate ways? I think so.

[pfbsurf]

i'll be honest everyone, i am most likely delaying the inevitable. I have re-read my posts, and i just know that we can't be together in the long run. She wants me because we have fun, but that is not enough for her. I want her because I love her, but even that isn't enough.

 

Very sad to know that this is coming to an end...

[Clinton]

You'll be Ok. At least you are mature enough to recognize what this is. A relationship that's run its course. But you tried and thats all anyone can do.

[abitbroken]

First, about the cheating. I know. I suppose it was mild as far as that stuff is concerned, but maybe not. Maybe i'm just sweeping all this under the rug. I am excusing her behavior a bit, "they didn't sleep together", it was only a few texts (according to her), "we were on the rocks, i was stressed"...

 

 

Oh boy. if someone cheats because they were stressed or you were "on the rocks" it means that they don't solve problems by talking through them, confronting them, comprising or breaking up - instead, they flee, they act badly and then they don't take responsibility for themselves. Excuses, excuses. That is the worst kind.

 

The other thing is if some guy was text flirting her, it meant that she actively gave out her number. its not like some guy walked down the street, made a flirty comment, she said something pithy back and they parted never to see eachother again. She not only participated, but she welcomed and invited.

 

One reason the recent relationship started to fall apart was because I was very stressed, and I stopped develping

 

My ex got me on the wagon of "you are not working on yourself, so we are doing badly." Yes, you should always look to improve, but someone should love YOU in your current state and want to be with you in your current state not only who you can potentially be. Temporary stress at work, death of loved ones are things a good relationship can weather. But the relationship should not be going south like a speeding bullet when life happens. it should make the relationship stronger so long as its temporary, or show you that it needs to end.

[Clinton]

 

One reason the recent relationship started to fall apart was because I was very stressed, and I stopped develping

 

My ex got me on the wagon of "you are not working on yourself, so we are doing badly." Yes, you should always look to improve, but someone should love YOU in your current state and want to be with you in your current state not only who you can potentially be. Temporary stress at work, death of loved ones are things a good relationship can weather. But the relationship should not be going south like a speeding bullet when life happens. it should make the relationship stronger so long as its temporary, or show you that it needs to end.

 

Agree with this 100 percent.

[pfbsurf]

Again, all of this now is a bit of journaling for me, helping me to work through my emotions, so, yes, I agree on all points.

 

The only caveat really is that this was not a very long term relationship. It was about 8 months in, and we were both bad at communicating. (in may, she tried to tell me we needed to take time off, i sort of listened and let her have her space, but three days later she was asking to see me. I should have put the brakes on big time then - because it was a huge red flag about where we were. I am a bit of a conflict avoider and she just doesn't talk about her feelings... Instead, we picked up where we left off. Of course the stage was set. At the same time, my stressors kicked in big time.

 

I'm trying hard not to let her off the hook, but i think that we invite people to treat us the way they will treat us sometimes. I stopped being fun, she started drifting. In a longer term relationship where there are very specific rules in place, this is 100% unacceptable (the cheating). Still unacceptable to me in our R - obviously because I left her - but it happens every day unfortunately. I'm old enough to know that this is a deal breaker

 

 

I'd add that we only saw each other 1x a week on average, due to my kids schedule, 1 hour distance etc. So, that alone slowed the relationship down a bit i think - we just never got out of the casual stage, at least she didn't, even though pretty strong feelings developed over that period..

[pfbsurf]

Agree with this 100 percent.

 

Well, my current state in March-June was drinking every night to go to sleep, sliding into a severe clinical depression, unfocused at work and obsessed with her, and having her as an escape and an addiction. I'd lost 40k in one week in the market, 1/3 of my savings, due to idiotic decisions, and basically wanted to hide from the world. at the same time, i had to go through an unexpected move - which was stressful and yes, she shoudl have been more supportive. the other stuff i hid from her - and to this day she still does not know the extent of my problems.

 

I'm fine now, really. Its remarkable - no ADs - much more productive and happy. Is this because i broke up with her? Partly. Does that mean i can only improve/fix problems on my own? I hope not.

 

But again, and this might be controversial - early stage relationships should be fun, we should not lean on our partner too much in the first year. I'm good at fixing my own stuff i think - i'd rather not and moan...

 

All that said, her behavior was very immature. She knows that she should have either let me go or had the courage to tell the guy that she had a boyfriend. At 25, this might be fixable. She's 44 - and if you read my old posts, it is part of her wiring I think. (i am not beating myself up, but at 47, i shouldn't have been gambling with my nest egg in the stock market either...)

 

But really, and I don't want to sound like some self help guru- ALL of this is a very positive and important learning experience. I was complaining to a friend lately about this and he reminded me that there are many men out there that would kill to have a relationship of any kind. this one wasnt perfect or even easy at the end, but we had alot of fun and great interactions, and i feel very lucky to have been with her - without putting her back on that pedestal...

[pfbsurf]

i'm nuts.

 

Monday is my birthday. She texted me about doing something this weekend. I agreed.

[Clinton]

You are an adult in your forties and you are going to do what you are going to do no matter what the advice. You know the risks, you know the cost of a failed relationship. So if this is what you want, do it.

 

Just don't expect a lot of sympathy if it crashes and burns. Having said that this community will be here for you.

[Monkey ai]

i'm nuts.

 

Monday is my birthday. She texted me about doing something this weekend. I agreed.

 

you are not in control, sad as it is, I have experienced and see so many relationships as yours, it is modern love and love based on fear, believe me one day you meet right one, you know how foolish to chase the "love", or as you called attraction, I am 45 years old, I can see your ex behaviors, she fears of commitment, that is why she is spread seeds everywhere, so you want not put all eggs in one basket... and the fact your never will have a basket with any eggs.. Love is risk; more you get older you have more fear. It is ok when the love is not meet your need, and walked away, and least you know you have tried…

 

if you are really want be with her, you should be direct, without game play, you think you are cool and indifference, you are lying to yourself, be frank, I do not think you love her, but you like the drama and excitement, love yourself first, then you have strength to love someone else. Put your energy to someone worth your attention and love.

 

As our age, everyone know they want to find a partner, we thought we have knowledge and skill… but it is not everyone able to deliver the result, does you/her skills to have long lasting relationship, part of self-improvement is try to learn from mistakes, and heal all the wounds, and ready to love...

 

Best of luck to find your true happiness!

[pfbsurf]

You are an adult in your forties and you are going to do what you are going to do no matter what the advice. You know the risks, you know the cost of a failed relationship. So if this is what you want, do it.

 

Just don't expect a lot of sympathy if it crashes and burns. Having said that this community will be here for you.

 

I never expect sympathy, truly. I grew up poor, lost both parents before I turned 30, had a wife leave me for our best friend, have spent the last 9 years as a divorced dad- and consider myself one of the luckiest people i know. This is a walk in the park. I have dated alot - and, while i don't have any illusions that i "know" what i"m doing, i think i know myself. And, after all of this, should know myself even better...

 

Its nice to get feedback however, and i appreciate everyone's concerns. The depression i had recently tied to all of this was very, very real, but was also linked to more than just my ex. I think at this point, i can handle whatever comes my way.

 

I have no expectation that we are going to get into any sort of relationship at this point, but i would like to spend some time with her. I think she would say the same exact thing. What has worked for me over the last month is to not really plan further than today or maybe later in the week. I'm more productive at work, happier and have more energy - and honestly feel that i have a pretty clear head about, well, most of this issue.

 

Not to beat a dead horse, but these feelings don't come around very much, and this experience/relationship - the good and bad - is important enought to me for a bit more energy. For now.

[lavenderdove]

>>Well, my current state in March-June was drinking every night to go to sleep, sliding into a severe clinical depression, unfocused at work and obsessed with her, and having her as an escape and an addiction.

 

You need to be very careful with this slippery slope you are on. You're getting a temporary 'lift' from this hoping you have a 'do over' that will turn out positive rather than negative for you, but you need your focus to be on solidifying your sobriety and fighting the depression and not jumping back into a situation that caused you a lot of grief and stress before and might well suck you in again. This is putting your head in the lion's mouth at time where you are just barely over being desperate about everything. It takes more than a couple months to stablilize from a major depression and obsession.

 

And you haven't had any real conversations about what these hookups 'mean' with her. You really need to have them. It is almost impossible to 'take it light and easy with no strings' with someone you have once been obsessed with and who helped tilt you into a major depression. The emotions and hooks run too deep.