sleeping together......but will we get back TOGETHER?

[sunnydays]

I know every relationship has its elements of confusion but see if you can figure this one out.......

 

My ex and I have been officially broken up for 4 months now. Anyway we were fighting a lot during our relationship but I was never in doubt of his feelings for me. We broke up after a series of huge fights........

 

I am a huge advocate of the no contact rule as I firmly believe for my sanity I need to not see or know anything about my ex. As it turns out this has resulted in him contacting me with random text messages and we have even had one conversation about the complexities of our relationship and what went wrong.

 

We have both dated other people in the time we have been broken up. I think it is too soon for me because I seem to find fault in everyone I date, maybe he is the same?

 

So we organised to meet up again and the chemistry was out of control. Contrary to what I know to be the right thing to do, I slept with him. He cuddled me a lot and everything felt so fantastic and comforting. I told myself that because he was the one who ended the relationship that if he wanted to get back together he would be the one to do the chasing.

 

Since then we have seen each other app once a week and sleeping together. He made a special effort to see me at work on Christmas eve and we spent Christmas night together.......... I am so confused because I am not sure whether he is just calling me up when he wants to sleep with me or if he is just treading lightly and taking it slowly to see how i behave, whether i will smother him or not. I have a million questions to ask him but am happy at this point not to ask them because I feel like I have moved on quite a lot and wont be surprised if this doesnt lead to anything but am I setting myself up to be hurt if I keep doing this?

 

Basically is sleeping with him a bad idea?

[Hope75]

sunny,

 

I think the general rule is to not sleep with him until you figure out where he stands, but some situations are different.

 

I'm kind of in the same boat as you, my ex of 5 weeks and I are still sleeping together too, but we have been talking about possibly getting back together (I want this, he loves me but is scared to repeat old mistakes)

 

People here tell me that if you can sleep with him and it won't hurt you if he decides not to get back with you, go ahead and do it.

 

I know it will hurt me if this doesn't work out, but I still want to take that risk for now.

 

Here's my story:

 

link removed

 

I think it would be Ok to talk with him about it, not too much at first, but maybe just say that it has been nice to spend time with him, and how does he feel about what happened? Theni f he asks you, you can tell him how you feel about it.

 

What do you think?

[rnorth]

I have a different take on "sleeping together" in these circumstances. Its a definite sign that two people, in most cases, still care about each other. Its also sometimes a foundation from which to rebuild your relationship, especially if its a mutually caring relationship.

 

See the movie, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". It deals with breakups very well, but also captures the essense that if we could emphasize more on what's good about our relationships, we would probably work on keeping them a bit more. I think physical intimacy can be a launching point through that warm connection to rebuilding your relationship. Just make certain that you are honoring your own feelings and that your needs, as well as the needs of your partners, are made clear.

[Day_Walker]

You are setting yourself up to get hurt because you want to get back with him, you have feelings for him and you are sleeping with him. You have no ideas of his intentions so you are only getting yourself more attachted to him while he may only be using you for sex. If you dont know what he has planned then you can conclusively say anything. If you choose to continue this then you need to stop thinking that it can lead to getting back together.

[annie24]

Yeah, I agree with the other posts. It's generally best if you're sleeping with someone to know exactly where you stand with them, so that there isn't a miscommunication in that area. You have a right to know what's going on - sex may or may not lead to a relationship again.

 

How does he treat you in general? Is he attentive, calls often, wants to see how your day is going, asks you out? Or does he only make booty calls?

 

Best wishes!

[Nap-Man]

Sunny….

 

I realize I am running the risk of sounding very narrow minded but based on MY past experiences and experiences of my guy and girl friends I would be very wary if I were you. When I was younger I had an ex that I slept with after the break-up. I had no intentions of getting back with her but I was hooked on the friends with benefits idea. While it was great for me, in the long run it really hurt her and in fact caused us to never speak again. Before I go any further with my ideas I want to state that this was before I had ever had my heart broken so it was much easier to do when I had no idea what it really felt like to be hurt.

I have learned from MY friends and past that guys are much more capable of separating themselves from emotions and sex, particularly when we were younger. I was thinking back to conversations I have had with friends who are girls and the ones who slept with ex's for the most part still loved them, and hoped to rekindle the relationship with them. My guy friends who did the same were usually just in it for the sex, not always, but usually.

Now I am not the same person I was when I was 23 (I am almost 27). I know that it was only four short years ago but trust me in that a person can learn a lot about themselves and the way they want to treat others in that time. So if this guy is older than you I would have more confidence that he may not be doing this just to use you. I have seen drastic changes in many of my friends and myself since we have left college and experienced different situations in our own lives. I did not say this to give you false hope but I felt I was passing judgment on a guy I have never met and I could be completely wrong about his intentions.

To sum up my incoherent rambling, if I were a girl I would be wary of an ex-bf trying to sleep with them, more so than if a girl sleeps with her ex-bf. I know there are examples of guys not using their ex's and girls using their ex-bf for sex but from MY experiences and friends this is rarely the case. I am sure this may piss some people off that I can generalize the differences in gender like this but it is my OPINION based on MY experiences. This is why you really need to figure out where he stands before you get your heart broken all over again!

 

Nap

[Hope75]

Nap,

 

I think your opinion is honest and wise, and appreciate it that you shared it here. As I have said to sunny I myself have been physically intimate with my ex for a while now and it's nice to hear an honest opinion about your experience, and your friend's experiences too.

 

I agree with you that each case is individual, and that sunny should proceed with caution.

 

Thanks for sharing honestly!

[FleX]

I smell booty call.

 

Girls use sex for relationships. Guys use relationships for sex.

[Hope75]

Flex!

 

Could you PLEASE be a little more kind and sensitive here??

 

Some people actually have feelings about these kind of things and your approach is not considerate of those feelings.

 

If you don't have something constructive to say.......

[Mun]

I think maybe you should pay attention to other things as well. Like... have you been dating too or just spending time in the bedroom? If you haven't then maybe you should pull back a little and see how he responds... you don't have to tell him--show him that you want more by not being so available for sex. When he asks what's wrong, that's the time to tell him that you aren't comfortable with the setting ( assuming you are not dating)

 

If you are dating and spending time together besides just having sex... then that's great.

 

Good luck to you!

[sleuth222]

Go buy the book

 

He's just not that into you.

 

Sad but true, if a guy won't commit, send him packing.

 

Doesn't matter how unique you both are--sleeping together isn't a committed relationship and until he can show up for that, there is no woman in the history of the world--if there is-find her and have her post here, who slept wiht a man who was her ex boyfriend, continued to have casual sex with him--without a relationship--(and by the way dinner doesn't count as a relationship--showing up at your parent's for dinner with you or going to your friend's wedding or your office party DOES--) and at the end of all that, enjoyed a real relationship with him. Has never happened. Don't try to make history.

[Vampiremoon9]

My situation currently is very simular. My guy and I broke it off about 2mos ago. Then in a heated and very emotionally charged talk we decided to give it another try. We hugged and kissed and told each other we cared and did not want to let go of the other.

 

I felt on top of the world and began in ernest the "rekindling" of our once very sour relationship. But as things progressed I began to see something was just not right between us...we slept together just like before (we live together) but he was not as responsive, he would not cuddle me or hold me. He kept nearly a foot between us in a king size bed. Often he never aknowledge I even came to bed. I saw his back more often than any other part of his body! He was not showing any interest in sex and found several weak and lame excuses why he was not so passionate.

 

Finally after weeks of this behavior and feeling islolated I took a deep breath and stood my ground and this past Sunday booted his hinnie out of the bedroom. I made him go bunk up in the spare room in the twin bed alone from now on.

 

My theroy is: I agree with sleuth...sleeping together is not a commited relationship. If my guy loved me enough to want to rebuild our relationship then certain very obvious signs should exsist and rejection sexually and not showing affection is not one of them. In your case he is showing the sexual side but is choking on the commitment part.

 

I had come to terms that my guy was not offering me what my heart truly wanted most and that no matter how much I gave or how much I worked at showing him the depth of my love, unless he too felt just as deeply it was never going to get off the ground. I had to admit to myself which is the hardest that he just did not love me. My pride would not allow him to remain in my bed under false pretenses so I made him leave. And its only been about 3days now but let me tell you what...I feel great! the stress and the pressure is gone.

 

Now Ive commited myself to treating him with respect and kindness but I have removed the intimacy. I will not be easily "available" and this time around if he wants a relationship he is going to contribute and put forth some serious effort to show me I matter.

 

So my advice to you is to stop being so easily "available" and make him take a stand on where you are in his life and in the relationship besides under him..