Found out my boyfriend lied for 4 months of our relationship

[chanchan91]

Hi, i have been dating a guy now for four months, i have just recently found out that he has been married for immigration purposes, it was for the girl and was done as a favour to a friend of his. He says that it is fake and not a real marriage and they are only husband and wife for paper purposes. When i tell him, how do i know if its real or not, he says if she was really my wife and the one i want to be with then why is she not living in my home? why are u here every night and every morning?

 

Im at his house every day, he gave me the key to his appartment,i live with him and see him everyday, so i know he is not hiding anything. Different story if he was never home, always ‘working late’, or never answered calls in front of me and all that stuff but hes told me straight up the story and i believe it.

 

He said he was waiting for the right time to tell me and that he would be scared of loosing me, which i understand. i don't feel like he is hiding anything from me

 

I guess im more concerned with the trust factor, i understand he was trying to protect me and was scared to tell me incase of loosing me but how do i start to trust again?

 

i think in my heart i know he was trying to protect me but i just don't know how to start to trust again.

 

Any thoughts? Please put yourself in my position and dont just chuck comments around like leave him he lied blah blah, we both feel very strongly for each other.

[HeartGoesOn]

He says that it is fake and not a real marriage and they are only husband and wife for paper purposes.

 

I've never heard of a "fake marriage," and for whatever reason he's either married, or he's not. He may not be with her, but that doesn't mean he's single.

 

I'm sure you have doubts, otherwise you wouldn't be posting this. I would dig deep, and try to find some answers before committing myself any further.

[misssmithviii]

The thing about lying to "protect" someone is it's still a lie - and the only way you can start to trust him again is if you accept it. I personally couldn't, I feel like lying to protect someone is one of the worst lies ever... it's the same justification cheaters use (especially first time cheaters) and such.

 

But if you want to stick it out with him, you're either going to have to choose to be okay with his marriage, or not okay. Where do you see the relationship going while he's married? I'm thinking long-term... he can't have two wives after all.

[shes2smart]

So he freely admits it was a fake marriage in order for his wife to gain citizenship.

 

What he did is called marriage fraud, and it is illegal. link removed

 

Congratulations. You're involved with a liar and a criminal.

[chanchan91]

he said that once she gets her residency he will get the divorce.

 

We are both religious so it wasn't a religious marriage but just done for the law so she could become a citizen.

 

I've asked to meet the girl and he said he doesn't mind and to let him know a day and time i want to meet her and she will come over to his place so we can talk.

 

I see our relationship progressing as i dont consider it a real marriage and it was only done to enable her to be a citizen.

[SpottiOtti]

Set up the meeting with her ASAP, that's my advice. Make sure she says the same things he does and there isn't any discrepancy between their stories.

 

If you want to be with him, you'll just have to wait to find out if he is generally trustworthy and omitted this part of his story from you because he knew how it would sound and he didn't know how serious you two would get, or whether he lies when telling the truth is too inconvenient. Trust in yourself, that regardless of the outcome with him, you'll be okay.

[itsallgrand]

Are you seriously ok with being with someone who commits serious crime, and does not even feel like he is doing anything wrong?

[PaintWithLight]

Why do you have a key to this guy's apartment after only dating for 4 months? Why are you living there?

 

This little revelation should indicate that you jumped the gun big time here. Slow things down so you really get a sense of who you are dating.

[bulletproof]

Has he ever expressed any remorse at how these types of marriages make it a lot harder for people who want to legitimately marry someone from another country?

 

Does that bother you at all?

[shes2smart]

Well, I'd be wondering how seriously he takes marriage. If you agree to marry someone you're not in a relationship with as a "favor for a friend" so they can gain citizenship...and with the intent that you'll get divorced once that happens, doesn't seem to me like you take marriage very seriously at all...religious or not.

[annie24]

So he freely admits it was a fake marriage in order for his wife to gain citizenship.

 

What he did is called marriage fraud, and it is illegal. link removed

 

Congratulations. You're involved with a liar and a criminal.

 

Ok, well, I know several people who did this (had fake marriages) to escape a war torn country. I think when your country is being bombed, people will do whatever it takes to get out and stay out.

 

I do know one woman who married basically a random guy as soon as she got to America. She paid him $6,000 to be fake married. In the meantime, she met a guy (loaded, by the way) and they had a relationship for several years. He would have married her, but couldn't because she was already married and hadn't gotten her green card yet. In the end, they wound up breaking up, which is kind of too bad for her, because she never was married to the man she actually loved, and wasn't entitled to the alimony payments either.

 

Anyway, how much longer is this fake marriage going to endure, because if he did this, he likely won't divorce her until she gets citizenship, which could take 5 years (which means that YOU won't be able to marry him). Are you ok with that?

[CeeLambrini]

Committing crimes aside, 4 months isn't a very long time. And the secret getting out has dire consequences - jail time for both him and his fake wife.

I am not condoning the lie. I am saying it wasn't malicious.

I agree the relationship moved forward very quickly, and as you've learnt the hard way, you can't truly know someone in just a short space of time. I don't think this is a case of him lying to lead you under false pretences, but to protect not only himself but someone else's freedom as well. 4 months is 4 months - if the relationship ended on bad terms, or you didn't take the news well, how would he have been sure you wouldn't have reported him?

 

How did you find out? If it wasn't from him, have you asked him when he planned on telling you this?

 

I think meeting the 'wife' is a good first step. It shows he is legitimately (so to speak) doing a friend a favour. Whatever your take on the crime itself, I'm sure the lie wasn't personal.

[ParisPaulette]

Whoa, you need to slam the brakes on this one hard. First, I have a sibling who married a man from another country. It's actually not that easy these days to pass the green card test and INS really watches out for that sort of thing. My sibling and her fiancee ended up in separate rooms being interviewed hard by two different people for nearly 40 minutes to see if their stories matched up before he got that green card. And that was six months after they'd been married during which time he wasn't allowed to work. There's more, but the thing you have to understand here is the good ol' days of green card marriages that are simple and quick and "Oh, it's just me helping someone out," are O.V.E.R. Not to mention he could get into big-time legal trouble over the whole mess if he's caught. If it's even true, but I seriously doubt that since she'd have to be living with the guy for six months more on a day-to-day basis for their stories to check out when they go to those interviews.

 

If it's all that "innocent" then have him give you the "wife's" number and talk to her about this marriage for immigration purposes only. And serial cheaters think nothing of having a second apartment or house where they can take women or men without anyone being the wiser they're a cheat in a relationship. I swear, your BS meter needs some serious tuning up there.

[annie24]

^^ Yeah, my friends (genuinely in love) told me about their interviews which seemed intense, and according to my Spanish girlfriend "intrusive." They wanted to see vacation photos, love letters, make sure they could speak each others' languages, wanted to know if they knew each others' mothers' birthdays, what is his favorite breakfast cereal, etc....

 

Personally, I don't find the moral aspect of getting married to help out a friend very repugnant like others do. Lots of people get married for lots of reasons, who are we to judge, that's how I feel? Britney Spears married that guy for 55 hours, Kim Kardashian was married for 72 days, are their marriages more legitimate than a friend trying to help out a friend??? But INS definitely takes their job seriously, and if you and your bf are in the US, he's going to have to put on a good act to convince them their love is the real deal. Which doesn't really seem "worth it" to me just to help out a friend of a friend, know what I mean? Unless he's gotten paid $$$, I don't see how he benefits by the sham marriage.

[shes2smart]

Ok, let's say he did it for humanitarian reasons and had alturistic motives....so maybe....maybe there's some argument to be made for "doing it for what he believed to be the greater good."

 

The problem still remains that he chose to do that, but still chooses to date, knowing that he's not really available and that he's done something that's less than legal in the eyes of the governmental authorities.

 

It's just crappy that he waits until the OP has clearly developed feelings for him and then drops the bomb. Oh, what? He was afraid she wouldn't be interested in him if he was upfront about his situation? Sorry, that's what he chose when he chose to enter this fake marriage. A little consideration for others would be appreciated and dragging innocent bystanders into your drama is far from considerate.

 

We are free to choose our actions, but we are not free from the consequences of our choices. He chose to help his fake-wife...that means he also chose to limit or eliminate his options for a real gf/wife.

[annie24]

We are free to choose our actions, but we are not free from the consequences of our choices. He chose to help his fake-wife...that means he also chose to limit or eliminate his options for a real gf/wife.

 

Yeah, that's the biggest effect on her - How long until she can actually marry him (if they last and go down that route)?