phone calls

[somuchcooler]

Oh, I just realized- you're the poster who always starts threads about how you want to be included in all your bf's family business. He's not your fiance. You're not married. And even if you were, I would still say that he has a right to private conversations with his mother.

 

What is your obsession with inclusion in his family?

Just because we don't have a piece of paper saying are married doesn't mean we are any less committed. So I don't get your point about not being married or engaged. Not everyone believes or even wants to get married so that argument doesn't hold much water with me. We plan on having kids together so we are a family to each other.

[somuchcooler]

Maybe his family has personal stuff going on that he doesn't want to involve you in, or that his mother has asked to keep private? Maybe he leaves the room to take his phone calls out of respect for his mother?

 

Even if his mother asked him to keep it private he should still trust me. Its like he is putting his mom before me. The point is after 4 years and us living together he should trust me enough to discuss family issues with me. I consider him family. It just hurts my feelings that he doesn't group me with family and trust me not to run my mouth about his family business.

[somuchcooler]

Maybe his family has personal stuff going on that he doesn't want to involve you in, or that his mother has asked to keep private? Maybe he leaves the room to take his phone calls out of respect for his mother?

How is it disrespectful to be in the room with me to talk to his mother? He doesn't leave the room to talk to friends on the phone.

[Seraphim]

Okay, when you have a daughter-in-law just expect your son will have no privacy whatsoever, all his conversations must be monitored by his girlfriend/wife. All your family functions will run according to her. And your house rules will be according to her as well. That should be fair right?

[somuchcooler]

Okay, when you have a daughter-in-law just expect your son will have no privacy whatsoever, all his conversations must be monitored by his girlfriend/wife. All your family functions will run according to her. And your house rules will be according to her as well. That should be fair right?

 

Well when I have a daughter in law I will include her in the family. Its really not that crazy that when you start a life someone that yes you ask them if its a convenient time to go to an event. I would understand that as a mother my son has a life with his partner who he lives with and he will run things by her how is that weird? Maybe she had something planned. It is kind of expected that as people get older couples attend events including family events together. As a mother I would encourage my son to grow up and start a family of his own. That's part of life and it's to be expected.

[Snny]

Why would you say I should be very careful picking a fight on this ground?

 

 

I think asking him about isn't picking a fight as long as I do it nicely. If you can't tell your partner when something they are doing bothers you then why be in a relationship with them if you can't communicate?

Picking a fight means you are choosing to make a minor aspect/behavior appear bigger than what it really is. He is possibly speaking to his mother about personal family matters that doesn't involve you at all. And since you aren't legally his family because you aren't married to him, it's strictly none of your business to even pry.

 

If he feels that it is important for you to know, then he will include you. But he can't have a three way conversation while he's on the phone with another person. Either way, you should leave him alone and give him space to speak with family without intervening. This way you are showing him respect and a sense of trust.

 

Why does your fiancé start speaking a different language is it so you don't know what he is saying??

Excellent question. His family doesn't speak English well and are from a different country. I don't feel any suspicions when he does this, especially since it really helps him overcome his home sickness. They are more comfortable speaking in their native tongue. The only time they will attempt to speak English is when my fiance and I Skype his family together. But see... the difference is that my fiance and family are inviting me into the conversation vs. my fiance speaking to either his mother/father on the phone.

 

Just because someone speaks a foreign language around you doesn't automatically mean they are being rude about it. It's a matter of cultural comfort.

 

Well when I have a daughter in law I will include her in the family. Its really not that crazy that when you start a life someone that yes you ask them if its a convenient time to go to an event.

MAYBE. But that is because your DIL is married to your son. It is a different dynamic when your relationship is legally unified. Sometimes my grandmother calls up my father and they do not include my mother into the conversation.

[Fudgie]

For the record, I have walked out to take calls from mom/dad because I didn't want to talk to them in front of my SO. Sometimes there were family issues and yeah, I wanted a little privacy. There was also some confidential information being exchanged, like they may ask specific things about my health or whatnot. May not want to discuss that in front of a SO, depends.

 

Assuming it's his mother (and i'm still a little skeptical) but assuming that it is, you don't know what's going in his family and he may want some of those calls to be private. And he is entitled to that. He shouldn't have to feel bad for leaving to talk to his mom.

[jjkk]

Well when I have a daughter in law I will include her in the family. Its really not that crazy that when you start a life someone that yes you ask them if its a convenient time to go to an event. I would understand that as a mother my son has a life with his partner who he lives with and he will run things by her how is that weird? Maybe she had something planned. It is kind of expected that as people get older couples attend events including family events together. As a mother I would encourage my son to grow up and start a family of his own. That's part of life and it's to be expected.

 

It could just be how his family does things. My own family never even asks ME if it's convenient to attend an event. It's like we're going here this day/time, you're invited. If I can make it great, if not, oh well. They're like this w/ my 3 siblings as well and forget trying to find out if it's convenient for their SOs, too. We'll also attend family functions w/out our SO if they can't make it for some reason (my siblings have all been married for over 10 years). It's how my parents have always been and no one gets upset over it. It's nearly impossible to plan things that everyone can attend if you have more than one child and they're all adults out living their own lives.

 

My guess is this is how is family is and it's not personal and you need to figure out how to accept it and quit stressing out about it because it's not going to change and you could destroy your relationship over it.

[lavenderdove]

Ok, having read more of your story here, I do have to ask why after 4 years you are only living together and not married. Sadly, you may be a lot more committed to this guy than he is to you. You are pushing to be more included in his family life with his parents etc., possibly because you want some sign that you are going to be a PERMANENT fixture in his life whereas now you are only a live-in lover and not his fiance or wife.

 

My advice to people is to never live with someone unless you have had a proposal, and engaged, and are planning a wedding. Otherwise you get into these situations where one person may be far more serious than the other and want marriage and kids, whereas the other person may just see you as a perpetual GF with the option to bolt rather than really commit his life to you.

 

So if marriage and kids is what you want, I think after 4 years he should be proposing to you. You shouldn't be worried about how he speaks to his mother when she calls, but after 4 years SHOULD be worrying about why he isn't proposing to you if your goal really is marriage and a family and more inclusion with his parents.

 

He should know by now whether he wants to marry you are not, and if he is not moving in that direction now, he probably doesn't intend to.

[somuchcooler]

So even though yes legally we aren't family doesn't mean that he shouldnt trust me enough after 4 years and that we Dont see each other as family. Family is what you make it. My parents aren't married but you better believe that they are family to each other and that each others family doesn't see them as less than family just because they Dont have a legal paper stating they are married. I just would think that after 4 years you trust your partner enough to tell them personal things.

[lavenderdove]

For every live in couple who never marry after 20 years, there are 10 live-ins who break up, especially at the 5-8 year mark when the blush is off the rose and they get bored with their partner and get the 7 year itch. So your parents may have made it that far and never married and are still together, but that is really the exception to the rule. the break up rates for live-ins are just higher than those who make a legal commitment and marry.

 

Anyone can break up, but to protect yourself you need to have some very serious talks with your BF to talk about what your goals are to make sure you are on the same page. He's not going to treat you as if you were an old married couple with the same rights to his family and the rest of his life just because you expect him to act that way. You need to really talk about it and make sure you are on the same page.

 

Live in couples have extremely different ideas of what that means... some believe it should mean total independence with never any intent to blend finances and family, and other act as if married. Because there are not formal legal guidelines as to what being a live-in means, there is lots of room for interpretation.

 

And if your BF is excluding you from his family life with his parents and family, then that should tell you that his idea of 'live-in' isn't the same as 'family.'

[somuchcooler]

If your parents are married then isn't your mom just as much family as your dad? I'm lost there unless I missed that your parents aren't married. Im not being smart serious question.

[sophie274]

I also prefer not to speak with my family in front of my boyfriend (and we also live together). It's not that I'm saying bad things about him or excluding him. I just want privacy, and I want to be able to talk freely (for example, I'm living in his country and some things here drive me nuts, but he feels bad/guilty when I complain about them, so I'd like to be able to vent to my mother without him listening), and often my mother and I argue and it's just weird and unpleasant for him to overhear. And I will often speak a different language if he's right there, just because I don't like having an audience. I have never said anything bad about him to my family, or shared anything that he would want kept private.

 

If he wants to run things by you, he will, after the phone call is over. I'm sure most of what they talk about has nothing to do with you. Most of what I talk about with my parents has nothing to do with my boyfriend.

 

I don't think this has anything to do with his commitment to you or with his family including you. Some people get married, some don't, I don't think this is relevant here.

[somuchcooler]

I also prefer not to speak with my family in front of my boyfriend (and we also live together). It's not that I'm saying bad things about him or excluding him. I just want privacy, and I want to be able to talk freely (for example, I'm living in his country and some things here drive me nuts, but he feels bad/guilty when I complain about them, so I'd like to be able to vent to my mother without him listening), and often my mother and I argue and it's just weird and unpleasant for him to overhear. And I will often speak a different language if he's right there, just because I don't like having an audience. I have never said anything bad about him to my family, or shared anything that he would want kept private.

 

If he wants to run things by you, he will, after the phone call is over. I'm sure most of what they talk about has nothing to do with you. Most of what I talk about with my parents has nothing to do with my boyfriend.

 

I don't think this has anything to do with his commitment to you or with his family including you. Some people get married, some don't, I don't think this is relevant here.[/QUOT

That's a good point about not wanting to offend him about his country. That makes sense. What do grown people argue with their parents about if they don't live with them? I usually tell my bf about argument s with my parents.

[sophie274]

Well, I argue about where I'm living and being with my boyfriend (my parents want me to come home) a lot. So that's another reason I do not want to argue in front of him! It makes everyone feel bad. I've been arguing about that with my parents for months, because my mother won't let it go.

 

Also, my mother telling me to do x or y ... She's the queen of badgering, doesn't let anything go. So she'll tell me to buy this, write to this person, do my hair this way, make an appointment with the doctor ... Just silly things but they get on my nerves and then we can both get unpleasant.

 

I don't like to talk about arguments with my parents because I think it paints us all in an unflattering light. If it's something really important or that's going to affect me or both of us, yes. But otherwise, I'll keep it to myself. I do think there's such a thing as over sharing.

[somuchcooler]

It must be a motherly instinct to badger their kids Lol. Even though I'm 23 my mom will be you should really do this and I know my bfs mom is always up his ass about getting a better job.

[Ms Darcy]

Oh, I just realized- you're the poster who always starts threads about how you want to be included in all your bf's family business. He's not your fiance. You're not married. And even if you were, I would still say that he has a right to private conversations with his mother.

 

What is your obsession with inclusion in his family?

 

Because she's insecure about not being treated like she is his wife.

 

My mind goes towards me thinking he is talking about me because what else would he be talking to her about that I can't hear?

 

That's a really self-centered way of thinking. People have posted many reasons why that have nothing to do with you.

 

Just because we don't have a piece of paper saying are married doesn't mean we are any less committed. So I don't get your point about not being married or engaged. Not everyone believes or even wants to get married so that argument doesn't hold much water with me. We plan on having kids together so we are a family to each other.

 

Does it mean you are less committed by not being married? Yes and no. No because if you two have an agreement and abide by it, then it can certainly work out. Further, depending on where you are, some states recognize common law marriages.

 

Yes, because marriage actually creates legal responsibilities. If you marry and divorce, one of you may owe the other spousal support. Not so by living together. Similarly, you have automatic next of kin rights in making life/death health decisions, getting financial benefits if he dies, etc. So marrying you would require him legally to be more responsible to you (and vice versa) in many ways (these are just a few) that living together would not.

 

Even if his mother asked him to keep it private he should still trust me.

 

Sounds like you lack boundaries then.

 

Well when I have a daughter in law I will include her in the family.

 

It's interesting you talk about having kids with your bf outside of marriage.

 

As an FYI, there is research to suggest that unmarried couples with children are more likely to breakup than married couples.

 

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[somuchcooler]

Because she's insecure about not being treated like she is his wife.

 

 

 

That's a really self-centered way of thinking. People have posted many reasons why that have nothing to do with you.

 

 

 

Does it mean you are less committed by not being married? Yes and no. No because if you two have an agreement and abide by it, then it can certainly work out. Further, depending on where you are, some states recognize common law marriages.

 

Yes, because marriage actually creates legal responsibilities. If you marry and divorce, one of you may owe the other spousal support. Not so by living together. Similarly, you have automatic next of kin rights in making life/death health decisions, getting financial benefits if he dies, etc. So marrying you would require him legally to be more responsible to you (and vice versa) in many ways (these are just a few) that living together would not.

 

 

 

Sounds like you lack boundaries then.

 

 

 

It's interesting you talk about having kids with your bf outside of marriage.

 

As an FYI, there is research to suggest that unmarried couples with children are more likely to breakup than married couples.

 

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What boundaries do I lack?

[Seraphim]

You lack the boundary of not letting people have their own privacy. People are entitled to their own privacy whether you think so or not. You also insist that people do things your way. And you're miffed when his family doesn't run the way that your family does or that you think it should. Here is what you will find out people's families run the way they want them to and that's not necessarily the way you think it should or the way that your family did. If you don't learn these two crucial things you will put your relationship in jeopardy.

[Seraphim]

The other thing you're doing is you're putting your self in competition with his family. This is not a one or the other deal. His relationship with you and his relationship with them are completely and utterly different that don't need to be in competition with the other. But the minute you want to be above them is the day you start putting your relationship into the gutter. My brother's soon-to-be ex-wife was just like this. You notice the soon-to-be ex-wife part. She wanted to be the stars and the moon and the holy Grail and wanted to be above every single one of us. And for about 20 years my brother let her be that way. And then he got tired of her BS. He got tired of her controlling ,he got tired of her dissing his family and he got tired of her bossiness. However he still has his family. We are never going anywhere but she is.

 

Don't end up being THAT girl.

[bulletproof]

Just because we don't have a piece of paper saying are married doesn't mean we are any less committed. So I don't get your point about not being married or engaged. Not everyone believes or even wants to get married so that argument doesn't hold much water with me. We plan on having kids together so we are a family to each other.

 

I am not married, nor do I think people need to be married. What I am pointing out to you, which I said originally, is that even if you were married, he still has a right to privacy with his family. I mentioned that you're not married because you keep insisting you're "family." Technically speaking, you are not family with each other, period.

 

Again, what is your obsession with what his family is doing and the level to which they include you? It seems like something you think about very frequently, judging from your threads here.

[somuchcooler]

So even once a man gets married he should still put his family first? I agree with you I would never make him choose. I realized that this isn't an issue worth battling and to let it go since I have a good relationship with his family and I don't wanna rock the boat.

[Stay_home]

This is a little bit flaky to me; I don't understand why he needs a private conversation with mom every time she calls. I don't think that's normal at all at this point in your relationship.

[Seraphim]

So even once a man gets married he should still put his family first? I agree with you I would never make him choose. I realized that this isn't an issue worth battling and to let it go since I have a good relationship with his family and I don't wanna rock the boat.

 

You are putting words into my mouth. I never said your original family has to come first. What I said was you don't have to be in competition with them. Which is what you are insisting on doing. If you keep insisting on doing that you're going to lose.

 

You are never going to make other grown people do things the way you want them to be done. But you might have to figure this out the hard way.

[Ms Darcy]

I think once you get married spouses should put their marriage first. But that has to be carefully defined by and agreed upon by the couple. And for lasting marriages both sides really have to pick their battles on things that really do matter.

 

If you can break down your need to control how his family views and interacts with you and focus on trusting your partner you will do well.